Once a year, we must all submit to bathing our eye balls.  Those nasty orbs get relatively filthy without regular cleansing.  While it is true that water on your eye balls can infect you with demons who will make you succumb to the practices of the devil, it is also true you have to clean them regularly.

So in case you were feeling reluctant about this years eye ball scrub, we thought we’d share this nice image of David Hasselhoff wearing an 80’s style bikini.   

Enjoy your scrub!

TEHRAN (Reuters) – President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad on Sunday told Iran’s Prophets Television (IPTV) to start broadcasting Iran’s version of Wonka Vision across Tehran.  Wonka Vision enables viewers to literally enter their television sets. 

This technology is extremely popular among Tehrans clerics and religious leaders who hope to broadcast television shows of a heavenly paradise filled with an infinite set of 72 virgins to go around, such that the masses can then proceed directly to heaven through their wide screen TV’s imported from China.

Many in Tehran have taken to the streets this week to protest that only rich Iranians will be able to afford Wonka Vision, leaving the poor on Earth to fend for themselves after all the rich leaders have gone on to a new realm.

Most G8 leaders have expressed their doubts that Iran really has achieved a working version of Wonka vision.  Press Secretary William Gibbs from the United States stated, “As much as we would love to see our friends in Iran disappear into a television set, we just don’t think they really have this technology.  They’re really just braggarts and blowhards.”

Israel has been remarkably quiet.  Rumors have been flying over the last 24 hours that top scientists in Israel are actually working to funnel Wonka Vision technology to Iran secretly through double agent scientists in Pakistan.  Israel is currently the only country in the world that has both the capability to transmit a person into and out of a television set.  All other countries have only been able to send viewers into their sets, where they remain stuck forever.

I see Oompa Loompas by GoodToGoTees
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Property of the Oompa Loompa Army by stefrosa
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Yes Man may have been one of Jim Carrey’s best movies, but the decision to come back for a second round with ‘No Man’ almost proved fatal for the comedic genius who reportedly toppled off the back of a scooter while wearing a dog suit.  Carrey was filming his first gay bestiality scene as the movie served up one impossible situation after the next in which his character should have said No Man!

Curtis & Leroy saw an ad in the Starkville Daily News Newspaper in Starkville, MS and bought a mule for $100.

The farmer agreed to deliver the mule the next day.
The next morning the farmer drove up and said,"Sorry, fellows, I have some bad news, the mule died last night."
Curtis &Leroy replied, "Well, then just give us our money back."
The farmer said,"Can’t do that. I went and spent it already."
They said, "OK then, just bring us the dead mule."
The farmer asked, "What in the world ya’ll gonna do with a dead mule?"
Curtis said, "We gonna raffle him off."
The farmer said, "You can’t raffle off a dead mule!"
Leroy said, "We shore can!  Heck, we don’t hafta tell nobody he’s dead!"
A couple of weeks later, the farmer ran into Curtis &Leroy at the Piggly Wiggly grocery store and asked. "What’d you fellers ever do with that deadmule?"
They said,"We raffled him off like we said we wuz gonna do."

Leroy said,"Shucks, we sold 500tickets fer two dollarsapiece and made a profit of $898."

The farmer said,"My Lord, didn’t anyone complain?"

Curtis said,"Well, the feller who won got upset.So wegave him his two dollars back."

Curtis and Leroy now work for the government.
They’re overseeing the Bailout Program.

But somebody should sure as hell tell the goats that some day soon or we’re going to run out of trees.

This had most of the state of Michigan laughing for 2 days and a very embarrassed female news anchor who will, in the future, likely think before she speaks. What happens when you predict snow but don’t get any….a true story…We had a female news anchor who, the day after it was supposed to have snowed and didn’t, turned to the weatherman and asked:

"So Bob, where’s that 8 inches you promised me last night?"

Not only did HE have to leave the set, but half the crew did too they were laughing so hard!

In other news . . . Bobbing for tea bags to get a news job. 

Who says that journalism is dead?

That’s just stupid

1. Toyota – We’ll Get you to work faster!  Like it or not
2. Toyota – Providing Speeding Ticket Alibis for over 40 years
3. Toyota- Cruise control was never more automated
4. Toyota—You’ll never test drive another car, after you test drive a Prius.
5. Prius—We’re fighting the root cause of global warming with our new Prius accelerator design.  Its wiping out the real source of emissions, You!
6. Toyota Public Service Message – We at Toyota want you to phone your Congressman and demand an increase to speed limits so that your new Toyota can travel at the speeds it was designed to travel at, when it wants to travel at that speed.
7. Toyota – Moving forward whether you like it or not
8. Toyota Customer Reviews – I’m in my Toyota now, I’d love to stop and help you but I can’t stop
9. Toyota on the Recall—We’re sure you recall when we made great cars.
10. Toyota–For those who like to go everywhere flat out.
11. Toyota—Get Ready for the ride of your life!
12. Toyota—With all new super glue throttle control

Now for a quick sponsor image…

Additional Toyota Jokes in the News

• "Toyota’s slogan is ‘Moving Forward’ — they don’t say anything in there about stopping." –Stephen Colbert on the Comedy Channel’s The Colbert Report.
• "Over the next two weeks, we’re going to have the Winter Olympics. … They’re doing something this year that is going to add a little more excitement. All the bobsleds are made by Toyota." — NBC’s Jay Leno.
• "Critics of the automobile industry are saying that Toyota executives knew about the problems with the brakes years and years ago. And they’re wondering … why did they drag their feet? Well, trying to stop the car. That’s what they were doing." — CBS’ David Letterman.
• "The recall is so scary that as he is driving to work: The navigation lady was actually praying." — Also from Letterman

• "To make sure Bill Clinton’s heart doesn’t stop, doctors put in a special pacemaker made by Toyota." — Gary B. at Dailycomedy.com
• "Toyota should borrow the ad slogan from Energizer batteries: "It keeps going and going." — Cara Tramontano on DailyComedy.com, with some massaging by Drive On.
• "The new model from Toyota this spring, the Toyota Apology: It gets two repair shops to the gallon" — Bix Brillo on DailyComedy.com
• "What do Toyota and Tiger Woods have in common?  They both don’t know when to stop."

Toyota Jokers on Twitter

"Toyota (acronym) This One You Oughta Tow Away." – @vizmagnafarta

"Toyota – Putting the "liability" in "reliability."" – @standupfalldown

Local geese in Rochester, NY are becoming more and more concerned that the growing airplane problem is getting out of hand.  The situation came to a head this week when a local gaggle attempted to usher an airplane away from geese mating areas.

“No matter how much we honked and flapped our wings at the foolish plane, it wouldn’t change course.” airman second class Ferlunky Feddermine stated during a press conference.  “Some of the members of our wing got carried away and decided to take matters into their own feathers by flying straight at the plane, but the clunky dim witted metal bird could not turn away fast enough.  Two birds were wounded and 3 were killed, names will be released to the media once their next of kin hatches and can be notified.”

Over the last hundred years this new species of metal bird has proven to be more and more problematic.  The deaf and dumb creatures of the sky have very little ability to avoid other birds, they do not float nor swim well, and they seem to be mostly constipated except when they drop the most curious frozen blue feces while in flight, typically at very high altitudes.

The US government unveiled a new economic stimulus incentive for unemployed American workers this week.  The Obama administration wants the unemployed to go to fight for the Taliban in Afghanistan.

Secretary Gibbs, “We just don’t have any money left (here) in the US to extend unemployed benefits, but we have this great program in Afghanistan paying Taliban fighters to stop fighting.”  The secretary was speaking to a room full of no reporters or other living people Thursday evening.  “We just need to make lemonade out of lemons.  Shipping the unemployed to Afghanistan would decrease our unemployment numbers here in the US, thus convincing investors that the economy is improving and that it is safe to invest in America again (hint hint China how about a loan?).”

He went on to state, “Once they get over to Afghanistan and pick up arms against our own troops, our negotiators on the ground can throw piles of cash at them and convince them to stop fighting.”

Gibbs apparently conceived this remarkable policy all by himself after reading about Jihad Jane here in the US.  “Essentially, you have this unemployed woman, just looking for a job and instead she finds Islam and decides to fight Americans on American soil.   That’s just bad all the way around.  We need to export home grown terrorists to the states that do sponsor terrorism, like Afghanistan, Iran, Indonesia, Iraq and Luxembourg.”

Later when President Obama was asked if Gibbs spoke for the administration on this ground breaking policy shift, the President stated, “Right now, I’m dropping everything else to focus on health insurance reform.  If folks choose to ship out to Afghanistan, well that’s just fewer people we have to cover with universal health care here at home.  Most people don’t realize it, but the Taliban already offer universal health care.  I saw it first hand during my trips to Pakistan in my youth.  The Taliban screw up a lot of things, but they know health care!”

Do You Have the Right Stuff to Fight for the Taliban Against America?

Here’s a quick quiz to figure out if you might have what it takes to fight for the Taliban and receive US money for your efforts

1. Are you male or female?  (if you answered female, please stop taking this quiz and put on a burka, just who the hell taught you to read and write in the first place?  They should be stoned to death.)
2. Are you unemployed?
3. Are you pissed at the US government for being unemployed?
4. Can you take or leave Christianity?
5. Would you like to have a harem of women?  How about lots of virgins?
6. Do you like the mountains?
7. Would you like to travel to the country that Hitler felt started the Aryan race?  (You may be over qualified, but the US government may pay you anyway)
8. Do Liberals in the US think you are an asshole?  How about Libertarians?
9. Have you ever dropped out of a christian college?
10. Do you know anything about nuclear fission, explosives, chemical weapons?  (You may be eligible for rapid advancement and larger payoffs!)

Please note, that the Taliban will provide you training, both mental, spiritual and physical.  By the end of your physical training, you should be able to hump a SAM system over a mountain without being spotted, and go hand over hand on monkey bars for a series of up to 12 bars.  Clothing will be provided.

You will be required to fill out a direct deposit form with the US government before you can stop fighting for the Taliban and according to the Hatch Act you will not be able to use any funds provided by the US government to lobby or politicize your fellow American Taliban fighters for or against any US party or system, but you can use that money to bribe and payoff any local Afghany official that you like.  (We encourage you to spread your money around as a little goes a long way and most Afghanistan officials only stay paid off for a few minutes at a time.