We’d like to thank our sponsors Vocus Productivity software or some crap like that. 

Obviously, they are looking for clients just like You! 

People that are fucking around on the internet when they should be getting some work done. 

Well as soon as your boss pays Vocus some money for whatever the hell they sell, odds are you will be forced to be more productive or find yourself shit canned like so many other people these days.

Anyone viewing this years collection of Victoria Secret designs will rapidly jump to the conclusion that the maker of ladies lingerie, swim suits and other optional clothing items has gone completely stupid-nuts.  The CEO last year complained that the designs had gotten ‘too sexy’ and this years line up appears to fix that by making runway models look ridiculous ugly and frumpy and well like something out of a soft porn version of Alice in Wonderland.

See for yourself

“OK, like, these costumes really suck ass Victoria.”

“Anyone seen my Chiquita banana headset?”

One stupid way to hide a nice rack

Some things are worse when wrapped in a bow.

I’m Fat Bastard’s wet dream gone wrong just to piss off Austin Powers.

I wanted to be a Victoria’s Secret model when I grew up.  I was so screwed in the head.

Could only look worse if she were on roller skates

Way too much fabric for lingerie

The Edelweiss meets Thors neighborhood tramp get up

Just throw any ole nasty panties together with faux fur

“This is why Ulysses Shrugged”

“This has to be a joke right?”

Hey Victoria, Ayn Rand and Austin Powers called, they say your looking pretty ugly baby.

South Carolina Governor Mark Sanford just wants everyone to know that he is Michael Jackson’s biggest fan. 

“Next to Farrah Fawcett, Ed McMahon, the Iranian People and those crazy North Korean bastards, there is no one I love more right now than Michael Jackson . . ., . .  I mean my wife and family and then Michael Jackson, those crazy North Korean bastards, the Iranian People, Farrah Fawcett and Ed McMahon.” the governor reportedly stated as observed by a blind, deaf and dumb witness in the Governor’s office.

Next to Sony Records, Governor Mark Sanford probably has the most to gain from the media super blitz that is still ramping up even as this is typed.

Ben Bernanke and Wall Street are both happy campers too.  PR consultants around the world are scrambling to have their clients come forward with any and all bad news right now at this point in history where everything else is going to be ignored until after the 4th of July.

Separately, Osama Bin Laden is furious, still.

After billions of posters sold, the late Farrah Fawcett now will get a chance to turn the tables on a world full of jerk offs.  Now, every time someone attempts the thinkable, while gazing at Farrah’s famous swimsuit image, Farrah might just be gazing back from the great unknown. 

Don’t fool yourself into thinking that lets you off the hook for your necrophilia yearnings.  She’s gone now, just let that one go sicko…. 

South Carolina Gov. Mark Sanford, whose whereabouts had raised questions earlier this week, admitted Wednesday he had rejected Federal bail out money from the Federal Government because he did not trust himself.

“If I had that much cash under my control, I’d likely blow it on hookers and drugs in South America.” the extra transparent GOP Governor stated during a press conference today.

He recently admitted that he had also flown to Argentina to meet with a woman with whom he’s been having an affair for a year.

“I’ve been unfaithful to my wife,” an emotional Sanford said at a news conference Wednesday. “I developed a relationship with what started as a dear, dear friend from Argentina, but my real affliction is hooker’s and drugs.”

Sanford, 49, said he had spent the last five days “crying in Argentina” but that the affair was now over.

His former girl friend, returned to the states and stated, “I’m looking for a man that is not such a god damned cry baby, someone that loves NASCAR and the Republican Party and doesn’t mind spanking me when I’ve been bad.”

The governor, considered by some to be a rising star in the Republican party and a possible presidential candidate for 2012, apologized to his wife, Jenny, and his four sons.

Sanford said he had revealed the affair to his wife five months ago.

“My wife is almost as understanding as the former first lady of New Jersey.  Unlike the former New Jersey Governor, I was never able to talk my wife into a menage a trois and that ultimately proved to be my emotional undoing.”

He would not say whether he would resign as governor but said he will step down as head of the Republican Governors Association.

He said he had known the woman for about eight years and had been romantically involved with her for about a year, seeing her three times since the affair began.

“What I did was wrong. Period,” he said, “but what I could have done with a few hundred million dollars, some Columbian blow and a line up of naked hookers could have really hurt the South Carolina economy.  The People of South Carolina are a bunch of lucky bastards, lucky that their Governor has so much self control to reject the temptations of the Obama Administration and keep our unemployment rate sky rocketing while our education rates drop into the gutter where I can keep an eye on it.”

The governor had not been seen in public since June 18, and reporters began asking questions about his whereabouts.

His staff had said he had gone hiking on the Appalachian Trail, something people in social media circles have been ridiculing all day.

“RT I said I was going out for some Argentinian Tail, they thought I said Appalachian Trail”

The Governor has never hiked more than 25 feet and that was to get in line for a spanking at Hooter’s on his Birthday.

His family did not attend the news conference, but his wife issued a statement saying she asked the governor to get himself checked by a physician, leave two weeks ago and not contact the family.

The governor said he wants to reconcile with his wife, and Jenny Sanford’s statement said her husband has earned a chance to resurrect their marriage since he didn’t get caught with any pictures on the internet.

“This trial separation was agreed to with the goal of ultimately strengthening our marriage,” she said, “and giving me a chance to find a good lawyer, publicist and ghost writer for my future book”.

Sanford’s announcement came a day after another prominent Republican, Sen. John Ensign of Nevada, apologized to his GOP Senate colleagues after revealing last week that he had an affair with a campaign staffer nick-named “smurfette” due to his penchant for wearing white dresses, and dipping his butt in toilet bowl cleaner. Sen. John Ensign is resigning from the GOP leadership.

The Governor is not expected to resign his office until arrangements have been made to pardon him of the South Carolina crime of Adultery.

Inspiration: Mostly My own but a little bit from cbs

‘I’ll run like Rocky Tonight’

It started out as Hogwarts and turned into Lord of the Flies

When did spazzing out qualify as a dance?

What the effing crap

That angel guy totally felt me up

After working for a decade and a half under the Don’t Ask’; Don’t Tell Gays in the military policy established under a compromise of the Clinton Administration, Military Top Brass are trying to swallow President Obama’s transitional policy, "’Don’t Rub; Don’t Repel’ policy.

Under this new gays in the military policy, service members would be prohibited from making rubbing advances on other members of the military without prior approval.  However, if an inadvertent advance or perceived advance results in a brush, pat, or rub against a service member, the receiving service member is prevented from repelling said advance especially in a fox hole environment.

“We’re striving for an integrated culture of sexuality in the military.  Its time for us to evolve past the fear and environment of loathing that has persisted for centuries.  A time of socialization will need to be required and regulated if straight and phobic service members are to ultimately come to truly accept other members of multiple, mixed or alternative sexualities, “ stated Secretary Gates.

He went on to state that the military doesn’t want things to result in advances at every turn in the bend, but if an advance or touch happens, he wants members to accept the circumstances and adapt and later if they are uncomfortable with the resulting encounter they can request an After Action Review with their Commander (provided that their Commander is not the person that made the advance in which case service members could request a review with a chaplain, doctor or higher level Commander).

“The pendulum has been stuck so far to one side for so many years that we need to force things to the other side if we are ever going to achieve balance.  The days of compromise have not made enough progress in this case, just like the days of compromise in regards to slavery did not create an appropriate result,” said President Obama in a Memorial Day Address at Arlington Cemetary on Monday.

Opponents on the right were quick to complain that the ‘chaplain clause’ needed to be amended because Chaplains subjected to too many counseling sessions might themselves be too tempted to engage in homosexual practices (as preachers, reverends, priests etc are prone to do, especially in the military).  They called for a clause that would provide counselors of the opposite sex to be provided in an environment conducive to a proper military setting and provided a long list of such locations surrounding military bases all over the world. 

Critics claim that these establishments are nothing more than strip clubs and brothels, to which opponents on the right replied, “Damned Straight”.

That statement has also been picked up by protestors carrying signs that read, “Damned OR Straight!”