I was at the golf store comparing different kinds of golf balls. I was unhappy with the women’s type I had been using.

After browsing for several minutes, I was approached by one of the good-looking gentlemen who works at the store. He asked if he could help me.

Without thinking, I looked at him and said, "I think I like playing with men’s balls."

1. You know you are a teabagger when
1. Your dog rides in your truck, but your wife stays home and mixes ammonium nitrate.
2. You can remember the fertilizer, pellets and ammonium nitrate mixture ratios, but cannot recall your wife’s birthday.
3. You have stolen gravel from the county road to cover your AK -47 ground stash.
4. You shout down someone who is talking, because you believe they are trying to limit your freedom of speech.
5. You’ve used the same knife to whittle a shiv, and threaten your Congressman.  
6. You have been asked to leave a yard sale.
7. You put the beatdown on your tattoo artist for spelling "MOM" backwards.
8. You hate government health care, and don’t want them to touch your Medicare.
9. The Rush Limbaugh show ended and you cried like John Boehner. 
2. Teabagger’s Leader Questions:
1. What is the smallest limb diameter that will support hanging your Congressman in effigy?
2. How many car radiators are necessary to condense 200 gallons of moonshine?
3. How long will it take your nine children to build a bomb shelter?
4. Going 60 miles an hour, for 12 hours, from your house, how long will it take you to get to Graceland?
5. If a man and woman get married in Texas and move to Washington D. C., are they still first cousins?
6. If your canon fuse is 15 ft. long, and it burns at 1 inch per second, how long does it take to reach the payload?
3. Teabagger’s Computer Vocabulary:
1. Backup – What you do when you run across a liberal in the woods.  
2. Bug – What you do to your Congressman at a town hall meeting.  
3. Byte – What your pit-bull did to your Barack Obama doll.
4. Chip – The smart son who can load a magazine in 32 seconds.  
5. Terminal – Socialist Amtrak station.  
6. Crash – When you go to a Starbucks Coffee by mistake.  
7. Digital – Counting to nine on your fingers.
8. Fax – Rush Limbaugh’s opinion.  
9. Hacker – Your wife after 26 years of smoking.
10. Hardcopy – Picture looked at when selecting tattoos.
11. I nternet – Where you put your hair at work.
12. Keyboard – Where you hang the keys to the Hummer.
13. Mac – Your favorite restaurant.
14. Megahertz – How your head feels after listening to "Barry".  
15. Modem – What you do to liberals who want socialist health care.  
16. Mousepad– Nancy Pelosi’s office
17. Network – Fox News.
18. PC – Losing your freedom of hate speech.
19. ROM – Where the pope lives.
20. Screen – Camouflaged netting to hide ammo stash.  
21. Serial Port – Boones Farm with breakfast.
22. Superconductor – Glenn Beck, but Lou Dobbs is getting better every day.  
23. SCSI (pronounced scuzzi) – Your first cousin after sex.
24. WYSIWYG – 5.5  inches.
25. Serial Port – Boones Farm with breakfast.
4. Why did the teabagger fail his humanities test?        Because he took it.
5. Why did the teabagger cross the road?       Because Fox News told them to.
6. How many teabaggers does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
1. 36. One to screw in thw lighbulb, and 35 to protest the Obama Administration’s policy on creating darkness.
7. What is Teabagging?
8. Where did the term teabagging come from? 
1. John Waters popularized the term ‘teabagger or teabgging’ in the movie Pecker but did not invent it.
9. Distantly about teabagging. . . . The Republicans strip and form a huge naked pile – a gay sex orgy in an attempt to stop the Obama Socialist future – preventing themselves from reproducing.  A few Democrats come along, and start making some reasonable suggestions: resolving our differences with diplomacy, nuclear disarmament, economic stimulus, coming together, holding hands, singing Kumbaya.  People are starting to agree, then one of the Republicans interrupts saying “Wait! This is gay!”  “OK everyone, back in the pile!”
10. A man walked into a bar and asked the bartender, “Hey, have you heard the latest Teabagger joke?” The bartender replied, coldly, “No. And I’ll have you know I’m a Teabagger .”        That’s O. K.,” said the man, “I’ll talk slow.”
11. The Teabaggers were getting really pissed off about people telling all these Teabagger jokes so they decided to stage a march on Washington . . .          When last heard from they were 10 miles out of Seattle.
12. Teabagger’s Joke Book
13. Yet another Tea Bagger T-shirt

THE TEABAGGER by TheManticore666
Buy shirts at zazzle.com

Republicans are getting all worked up over the party to end all parties, its the 2010 Tea Bagger Ball in Memphis Tennessee!

Of course, they are not the only ones interested in this party!  Democrats, Independents, and even the remaining Libertarians with a sense of humor that haven’t gotten sucked   into the Tea Bag blow out can’t wait for the ultimate smack down in Tea Bag jokes.

The more socially conservative, conservatives were appalled last year to learn that the fun founding father catch phrases that worked 240 years ago in politics had taken on a very sexual connotation in the present.  Even though many of those same socially conservative, conservatives are the SAME ones that give regular good ol’ boy conservatives a bad name by fornicating with any thing with a fornication button regardless of sex and religion while demonizing how bad that is for everyone else to do out of the other side of any remaining open orifice, they were none-the less surprise to find out that tea bags today can also refer to TESTICLES!

Fun Factoid! Did you know that both Tea Bags and Testicles hang around like limp sacks, not doing much of anything unless you pull on their string up and down a little bit?

Yup, it is true, so knock yourself out!

So if you have $500 for a plate of dinner, a $250 hotel room in Memphis and some twisted morals that you don’t let your congregation know too much about, head on down to the Tea Baggers Ball!

Got Tea Bags? by ViralGrapeWrath

Got Tea Bags? by ViralGrapeWrath

Don’t Teabag Me, BroT-Shirt by ClarityRules

I’m not anti-Republican, just anti-BONEHEAD by noyoudidnt

Fuk’d News Mug by ClarityRules

Punxsutawney officials are scrambling to figure out if they can schedule a redo by tomorrow morning with their most famous rodent, Punxsutawney Phil, who was scared earlier today at sunrise on Gobblers Knob when Apple CEO, Steve Jobs scared the ground hog back into is hole by flashing a new Apple iPad and cursing about how evil Adobe and Google were before a crowd of over caffeinated spectators.

Mayor, James Wehrle, indicated this was not the first time that Jobs had tried to interfere in Phil’s prognostications of the season.  “Back in 1995, Jobs showed up dressed as Woody from Toy Story and many people felt that his shooting of a cap gun at sunrise went against the spirit of Ground Hog’s day.”  That’s putting it mildly considering the official letter that was sent from the Mayor’s office in 1996, dis-inviting Jobs from attending.

Fast forward 14 years, and many are now wondering if Jobs should be banned from the town altogether.

Punxsutawney Apple Store Manager, Geoffrey Randolph said, “Everyone knows that Phil (the ground hog) is a huge Apple fan boy.  It was just cruel to flash that ugly looking over sized iPod Touch in his face.”

‘Cruel’ is also the world that PETA activists are shouting as preparations to boycott Apple products are being organized around the country.  “Groundhogs have claws and can’t use Apple’s touch devices.  The interface is very unforgiving for clawed animals.  Enlarging the device just rubs it in, and that’s before you even consider the fact that the iPad can not play Flash.  Groundhogs are huge fans of Adobe Flash animation.” PETA Animal Observational Studies Scientist, Zuen Zieu indicated during a press conference just after noon on the east coast.  They like to play animated ground hog games.  They just can’t do that with a Apple iPhone nor an iPad.  “They fear they will be disenfranchised from the internet and relegated to a life of captivity and exploitation.”

I walked into a hair salon with my husband and three kids in tow and asked loudly, "How much do you charge for a shampoo and a blow job?"

I turned around and walked back out and never went back. My husband didn’t say a word…

He knew better.

Melinda Lowe, 39, Seguin , TX

Here’s a great little email circulating what purports to be Tiger Woods Guide to picking a great woman.  Its a short guide, and doesn’t mention looking like a Barbie Doll or having an expendable phone number anywhere!

1. It’s important to have a woman, who helps at home, who cooks from time to time, cleans up and has a job.
2. It’s important to have a woman, who can make you laugh.
3. It’s important to have a woman, who you can trust and who doesn’t lie to you.
4. It’s important to have a woman, who is good in bed and who likes to be with you.
5. It’s VERY, VERY important that these four women do not know each other

Signed,

Tiger Woods

Senior Grand Wizard and Subversive Materials Desk Chief Markoff Cheney announced at a press conference today that the Illuminati Department of the CIA had in fact created a plan to allow J.D. Salinger to die a very slow and very extra natural death.  He stopped short of saying that the death of the Catcher in the Rye was a conspiracy, but did admit that up to 13 different department heads had signed off on the plan in blood.

‘Its our job to decide when and where every man, woman and child must die.’ Markoff Cheney at a 2006 presentation at Disney World speaking to the Organizers of the New World Order.

Conspiracy theory buffs and nut jobs alike will likely take issue with the Illuminati over the natural death of Salinger.  Most fans expected Salinger to go out in a blaze of martyrdom like glory in a twisted an unexpected but very concealed manner.  That was not the case, or so we are led to believe.

~This report issued verbatim as allowed by the G20’s DOOP ROCTT (Department of Official Press Releases on Conspiracy Theories & Theorists).

Related Stories that are likely full of nonsensical factoids

US literary icon dead at 91

National Business Review – ‎33 minutes ago‎

The author of The Catcher in the Rye, died at his New Hampshire home on Wednesday (local time), aged 91. The Catcher in the Rye was published in 1951 and …

US novelist JD Salinger dies at 91: agent

Sydney Morning Herald – ‎27 minutes ago‎

Reclusive US novelist JD Salinger, a giant of American literature for his legendary work "The Catcher in the Rye," has died at 91, his agent said Thursday. …

Remembering JD Salinger

Christian Science Monitor – Marjorie Kehe – ‎23 minutes ago‎

JD Salinger, creator of Holden Caufield, has died at the age of 91. What is his legacy? By Marjorie Kehe / January 28, 2010 If you’ve been to high school in …

In an effort to reduce costs at Viral Grape Vine we are only writing the headline for this article.  We ask that our readers kindly use their imagination to fill in the gaps of what will likely be a real story any day now. 

For the more daring readers, feel free to share your imaginative productions in our comments section below.

It’s a mid term election year and you know what that means, Stimulus Payments, Pay offs will be coming out again soon!  If you ‘earned’ money and ‘paid’ taxes, you can expect a stimulus payment from the US government.  This stimulating payment will not only get you excited and help pay your Viagra and Ambien cocktail bill, it can help our country and the world avoid a global economic melt down, keeping all of us from going broke in a global depression.

Below you will find some FAQ’s of the 2010 Stimulus Payment Plan that are being circulated via email

Sometime this year,  we taxpayers will again receive another ‘Economic
Stimulus’ payment.
   This is indeed a very exciting program,  and I’ll explain it by
Using a Q & A format:
   Q.  What is an ‘Economic Stimulus’ payment ?
   A.  It is money that the federal government will send to taxpayers..
   Q..  Where will the government get this money ?
   A.  From taxpayers.
   Q.  So the government is giving me back my own money ?
   A.  Only a smidgen of it.
   Q.  What is the purpose of this payment ?
   A.  The plan is for you to use the money to purchase a
High-definition TV set,  thus stimulating the economy.
   Q.  But isn’t that stimulating the economy of China ?
   A.  Shut up.
   Below is some helpful advice on how to best help the U.S. Economy by
Spending your stimulus check wisely:        
       *  If you spend the stimulus money at Wal-Mart,  the money will
Go to China or Sri Lanka .
       *  If you spend it on gasoline,  your money will go to the
Arabs.
       *  If you purchase a computer,  it will go to India , Taiwan or
China .  
       *  If you purchase fruit and vegetables,  it will go to Mexico ,
Honduras and Guatemala ..
       *  If you buy an efficient car,  it will go to Japan or Korea .
       *  If  you purchase useless stuff,  it will go to Taiwan .
       *  If you pay your credit cards off, or buy stock,  it will go
To management bonuses and they will hide it offshore.
   Instead,  keep the money in America by:
   1)  Spending it at yard sales,  or      
   2)  Going to ball games,  or    
   3)  Spending it on prostitutes & strippers,  or      
   4)  Beer or      
   5) Tattoos.
   (These are the only American businesses still operating in the U.S. )
   Conclusion:
   Go to a ball game with a tattooed prostitute that you met at a yard sale and drink beer all day !
   No need to thank me,  I’m just glad I could be of help.