Last month on my way to the consumer electronics super bowl known as CES in Las Vegas, I ran into a power problem.

Yup, I’m not only weird, but I’m an Uber Geek.

When I arrived at my gate, I need a plug for my 7 pound ‘Puter a trusty Toshiba 17 inch monster of a laptop not designed for travel, but designed to pull on the testosterone heart strings of my compensation needs while I’m impulse buying at the local Geek store (Fry’s).

So how do you get other people to abandon their plugin at the Airport so that you can jack into some amps?  Here are several Steps to insure your power crisis ends

1. The easiest, is to sit down near the plug, preferably on the floor with your own plug in hand, and then proceed to peel a banana.
2. The banana will not immediately scare anyone off, but as you eat the banana shove the entire thing into your mouth at once.  Not like Linda Lovelace in a deep throat remake but more like John Belushi in Animal House, or like a dweeb in a hot dog eating contest just trying to smash the banana into his mouth to eat a lot at a time.  Again this will not scare anyone off, until you do the next step.
3. Next, proceed to look a little sick and then belch, very loudly.  This will not do much either, but you are basically just trying to set the stage.
4. Next pull out an obviously used kleenex from your pocket, and blow your nose in it as loudly as possible.  Then put it back in your pocket flamboyantly so that everyone will notice.
5. Now, you are ready for the real phase 1 – GAS – Fart your ass off. If you are sitting on the floor, this should be very loud and should make the concourse shudder.  No silent farts, but real loud flatulant queeefy farts that flutter around like a whoopy cushion that just won’t quit.
6. Now, when you fart does quit, do not look around at anyone, but do pay attention to the plug.  If someone pulls out early, then plug your cord in immediately.
7. If no one has left yet, you are ready for the next phase.  Spill your drink on their feet.  Do not dump it onto their feet (future step) but spill it a bit so that it runs underneath their feet.  (Oh and make sure you are spilling it under the feet of someone that is actually plugged in already as opposed to  . . . anyone else.
8. If that doesn’t get them to go, then as you are trying to make a BIG show of cleaning up things (preferably with that same snotty kleenex from above) then you accidentally dump/knock the rest of your drink into their actual shoe.  This will normally get rid of the most hard core computer users with the exception of MIT graduates that are down on their luck.
9. For those Uber geeky bastards, your best bet is to simultaneously spill the ice remaining in your cup onto their actual computer.  It won’t really harm anything, but will make a big show and force them to expose their screen which is likely to be full of the raunchiest porn anyone ever saw.  That will unsettle them and will give you an opening.
10. Now, you yell “Hey is that Jenna Jameson signing up people for a 800 person gang bang?”and point at a distant blond.  Note, it doesn’t have to look anything like Jenna Jameson as true MIT geeks, can’t see for shit anyway as they have been masturbating too much for their entire existence.  The person just needs to be relatively blond and relatively feminine looking too (need not be an actual girl because they won’t care)
11. Now as the uber MIT geek runs off, you jack your computer into the power outlet and get to work.
    1. Note, if you are trying to defend against this attack, simply put bread bags on your feet and then put your socks on,
    2. Then put ear plugs in so that you cannot hear anything, and
    3. stick a couple chunks up your nose so that you can not smell anything either.

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