Bloggers are always trying to be ‘understood’.  That is so 2008, but we need to prepare our selves for a new year and a new media world where Social Media Douche Bags take over Congress and eventually the world. 

More specifically we have to learn and practice how to misunderstand bloggers more effectively. 

1.  Find something ludicrous in a Blog’s Header that Distracts You from that annoyingly important content

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• Obviously Momzilla54 doesn’t know about child labor laws.  Get your kids out of the textile mill before you go to jail for truancy!  (That type of comment will always get a blogger talking to you!)

2.  Assume that all Bloggers are Spammers- In words of John Lennon, Imagine all the spammers, its easy if you try, in fact most facebook ads will tell you that 99% of bloggers are spammers.

3.  Sign up for things with your email address, then forward copies of what you receive to the blogger and tell them, What the fuck are you sending me all the time, I never signed up for this shit?  I thought I was getting a free Powerball ticket. (note your message doesn’t have to make any sense at all, because you are purposefully misunderstanding them first!)

• This works even better if you send them an email in 6 point fonts!
• Better yet, make sure you give them an @ reply on twitter too!

4.  Repeat these words after me, then paste them in a reply on your favorite tech bloggers comments, “But Michael Arrington Said Your Were Wrong and a Douche Bag on Tech Crunch” Even better include a link to one of Michael’s articles that has a brazillion comments and indicate that it was a comment that he made below the actual article responding to something Scobleizer said in support of the same bloggers blog.

5. If you have the balls, you can always just call the blogger stupid.  That’s always good for a laugh or two

• Two brains and you can barely scrape together a single thought? What kind of moron are you?
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6.  No Matter what tell the blogger their article is too long.  This works even better on twitter too, even if they send out a tweet that says ‘no’ ask them to quit being so damned long winded.

7. Pretend that their fake charactures of themselves and their kids are REAL Pictures, Then insult them by calling their kids ugly!  But don’t forget to call the blogger ugly too.  For bonus points, tell them that you couldn’t follow or subscribe to a blog that has an ugly blogger due to your new Apple Ugly Blogger Firewall protection.

8. This is one of my favorites.  Read the title of their article, but DO NOT read the rest of the article.  Assume that the title says all there is to say, then attack them for their stupidity.

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• What kind of moron spends $125 on shoes.  That’s the dumbest thing I ever heard of.  You probably can’t even afford health insurance, but you will spend big bucks on Nike’s
• Note, don’t feel bad if they made a clever argument to support the title or anything like that.  This is the age of twitter, if the title doesn’t say it all, well then the blogger is just wrong. 

9. Attack them for failing to come up with one more bullet point or item for their list.  “You small minded bastard, all you could think of were 9 things!  What kind of retard are you!”