Assing Around Topics & Videos

For decades GQ has lead the search for the G Spot, a quest almost as old and tired as the search for the fountain of youth.  Therefore, it came as a complete surprise to GQ editors this week when they discovered the G Spot during a Glee cast shoot.  Glee cast members who are almost as old as GQ itself, were just as dumb founded, not that finding dumb has ever been difficult.

GQ editor Morton Grunesvald even stated, “There’s no way we could have found the G Spot, its just not possible.  Hell, I wouldn’t know a G spot if I fell in it.”  Which is apparently exactly what Morton did about 5 minutes after that statement according to publicly disclosed workman’s compensation claims filed in New York City on Monday.

Of course, the the rest of the upright and proper media was outraged by GQ’s G Spot discovery.  Anchors and Anchor’s foils from CNN, Fox, MSNBC, CNBC, ABC, CBS and even the CW were all quick to point out that GQ should get back to reporting stories about stuffy young metrosexuals parading around in designer clothes that only a designer would wear outside of Vegas.  GQ has always been just like playboy but without the semi-interesting pictures, a butch woman’s Cosmopolitan.  And now all of a sudden they decide to risk that tradition with a bunch of pictures that aren’t heavily scented with an advertisers perfume?  WTF GQ we’ve come to expect so much less from you.  Maybe, some photographer is jockeying for a new job at Maxim.  Maybe they just phoned this one in, or maybe just maybe the G Spot does exist.

Just when Health Care Insurance Reform seemed almost dead, the Obama Administration and Democrats received the best gift a politician can receive, an evil insurance empire acting very badly and painting a massive bull’s eye that any Democrat could hit, even with Nancy Pelosi’s pitching arm.

Thursday morning, Health Secretary Kathleen Sebelius called to thank Anthem CEO Robert Hillman, who succeeded the unlikely duo of Larry Glasscok who begat the next CEO Ben Lytle who begat Hillman.  With so much begatting taking place it is impressive to note just how much business Anthem has been able to capture.  Rumors that Secretary Sebelius also sent lude images of herself wearing a hot little red chemise from Fredericks of Hollywood circulated the internet later tomorrow as well.  Her office denied the rumors and stated that the red chemise was standard attire for the Secretary, who frankly does have a nice body and likes to show off her ‘healthyness’ as a role model and Secretary of Health.

Sebelius is not the first hot mama to go to the mattresses over health care, Hillary Clinton made a hell of a push and almost won some awards over a decade ago as well, but Hillary didn’t have the luxury of fat cat Insurance companies acting like complete morons in the middle of a political fire storm.  Back in the 90’s Insurance companies were still a lot more tentative, but 17 straight years of increasing health care costs coupled with increasing health insurance company profits have made them fat and stupid.

Regardless, it should be pretty easy now for Sebelius and Democrats in Washington to cook up some health insurance witches just after they finish their short sited hunt in Anthem land.

Anthem may get support from an odd crowd however as Tea Baggers are starting to get their hackles up.  Anthem is also the name of an Ayn Rand short story.  Its likely that the Tea Party types might rush to Anthem’s defense mistaking it for a Rand book as opposed to an insurance company.  Its so hard to fight those pesky Democrats when they keep pulling bait and switch tactics like books and insurance companies after all.

1. You know you are a teabagger when
   1. Your dog rides in your truck, but your wife stays home and mixes ammonium nitrate.
   2. You can remember the fertilizer, pellets and ammonium nitrate mixture ratios, but cannot recall your wife’s birthday.
   3. You have stolen gravel from the county road to cover your AK -47 ground stash.
   4. You shout down someone who is talking, because you believe they are trying to limit your freedom of speech.
   5. You’ve used the same knife to whittle a shiv, and threaten your Congressman.
   6. You have been asked to leave a yard sale.
   7. You put the beatdown on your tattoo artist for spelling “MOM” backwards.
   8. You hate government health care, and don’t want them to touch your Medicare.
   9. The Rush Limbaugh show ended and you cried like John Boehner.
2. Teabagger’s Leader Questions:
   1. What is the smallest limb diameter that will support hanging your Congressman in effigy?
   2. How many car radiators are necessary to condense 200 gallons of moonshine?
   3. How long will it take your nine children to build a bomb shelter?
   4. Going 60 miles an hour, for 12 hours, from your house, how long will it take you to get to Graceland?
   5. If a man and woman get married in Texas and move to Washington D. C., are they still first cousins?
   6. If your canon fuse is 15 ft. long, and it burns at 1 inch per second, how long does it take to reach the payload?
3. Teabagger’s Computer Vocabulary:
   1. Backup – What you do when you run across a liberal in the woods.
   2. Bug – What you do to your Congressman at a town hall meeting.
   3. Byte – What your pit-bull did to your Barack Obama doll.
   4. Chip – The smart son who can load a magazine in 32 seconds.
   5. Terminal – Socialist Amtrak station.
   6. Crash – When you go to a Starbucks Coffee by mistake.
   7. Digital – Counting to nine on your fingers.
   8. Fax – Rush Limbaugh’s opinion.
   9. Hacker – Your wife after 26 years of smoking.
   10. Hardcopy – Picture looked at when selecting tattoos.
   11. I nternet – Where you put your hair at work.
   12. Keyboard – Where you hang the keys to the Hummer.
   13. Mac – Your favorite restaurant.
   14. Megahertz – How your head feels after listening to “Barry”.
   15. Modem – What you do to liberals who want socialist health care.
   16. Mousepad– Nancy Pelosi’s office
   17. Network – Fox News.
   18. PC – Losing your freedom of hate speech.
   19. ROM – Where the pope lives.
   20. Screen – Camouflaged netting to hide ammo stash.
   21. Serial Port – Boones Farm with breakfast.
   22. Superconductor – Glenn Beck, but Lou Dobbs is getting better every day.
   23. SCSI (pronounced scuzzi) – Your first cousin after sex.
   24. WYSIWYG – 5.5  inches.
   25. Serial Port – Boones Farm with breakfast.
4. Why did the teabagger fail his humanities test?        Because he took it.
5. Why did the teabagger cross the road?       Because Fox News told them to.
6. How many teabaggers does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
   1. 36. One to screw in thw lighbulb, and 35 to protest the Obama Administration’s policy on creating darkness.
7. What is Teabagging?
8. Where did the term teabagging come from?
   1. John Waters popularized the term ‘teabagger or teabgging’ in the movie Pecker but did not invent it.
9. Distantly about teabagging. . . . The Republicans strip and form a huge naked pile – a gay sex orgy in an attempt to stop the Obama Socialist future – preventing themselves from reproducing.  A few Democrats come along, and start making some reasonable suggestions: resolving our differences with diplomacy, nuclear disarmament, economic stimulus, coming together, holding hands, singing Kumbaya.  People are starting to agree, then one of the Republicans interrupts saying “Wait! This is gay!”  “OK everyone, back in the pile!”
10. A man walked into a bar and asked the bartender, “Hey, have you heard the latest Teabagger joke?” The bartender replied, coldly, “No. And I’ll have you know I’m a Teabagger .” That’s O. K.,” said the man, “I’ll talk slow.”
11. The Teabaggers were getting really pissed off about people telling all these Teabagger jokes so they decided to stage a march on Washington . . . When last heard from they were 10 miles out of Seattle.
12. Teabagger’s Joke Book
13. Yet another Tea Bagger T-shirt

THE TEABAGGER by TheManticore666
Buy shirts at zazzle.com

14. Here’s a set viralized on facebook recently starting with Q: How do you drive a teabagger mad?
A: Put him in the oval office and tell him the President’s Kenyan Birth Certificate is hidden in the corner.

15.   Q: What does a teabagger have in common with a beer bottle?
A: They’re both empty from the neck up.

16. Q: How do you start a teabagger parade?
A: Roll a few cans of Skoal down the street.

17.  Q: How do you hide something from a teabagger?
A: Put it in a textbook.

18.  Q. Why wouldn’t the teabagger Dad let his twelve year old daughter smoke at the table?
A. It would set a bad example for their kids.

19. Q: What’s the difference between UFOs and at teabagger with a college degree?
A: UFOs have been spotted.

20.  Here’s one from MikeMalloy.com that follows with one one of those politico articles about the situation, make fun of them first then debate them, it worked for the Blues Brothers fighting Illinois Nazis!

A man walked into a bar and asked the bartender, “Hey, have you heard the latest Teabagger joke?” The bartender replied, coldly, “No. And I’ll have you know I’m a Teabagger .”

That’s O. K.,” said the man, “I’ll talk slow.”

21. After this wave of jokes, I know what you are thinking.  How can I get on this band wagon and quick!  No you don’t want to be a teabagger (that wagon swings a different way), you want to dress up as a teabagger for halloween!  Here’s a G rate Teabagger halloween costume.

I saw this image sent virally in emails several time this last week, then I saw it on Facebook too.  Its not right, but its funny.  Probably, a lot funnier if you are there for the picture (with orders to ship home immediately).

Christmas may be over a month away but most people agree that getting up at 4 am to go to a Super-Walmart less than 5 miles away in any direction is the dumbest idea they have ever heard of.

"Why the hell would I go to Wal-Mart at 5 am and wait in line.  Isn’t that stupid ass store open 24 hours a day 363 days a year?  They can bite me!” said Jeremy Rosenblatz, Senior Executive Vice Director of Politically Correct Marketing Communications for Cox recently during an interview on CNBC.

Jeremy’s not a lone, That stupid ass store can bite us!  We’re not going to fall for that black sky is falling go by extra crap so you can return it in a month after you have used it just a little bit but can’t pay your credit card bill any more because Bank of America jacked up your interest rate to 80% after the US bailed them out and let them by Meryll Lynch with zero risk, yes they can bite us.

The remainder of this blog article purposefully left blank.

The Sphynx, is a hairless pussy cat that likes to run around the house commando.

Bloggers are always trying to be ‘understood’.  That is so 2008, but we need to prepare our selves for a new year and a new media world where Social Media Douche Bags take over Congress and eventually the world. 

More specifically we have to learn and practice how to misunderstand bloggers more effectively. 

1.  Find something ludicrous in a Blog’s Header that Distracts You from that annoyingly important content

• 
• 
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• Obviously Momzilla54 doesn’t know about child labor laws.  Get your kids out of the textile mill before you go to jail for truancy!  (That type of comment will always get a blogger talking to you!)

2.  Assume that all Bloggers are Spammers- In words of John Lennon, Imagine all the spammers, its easy if you try, in fact most facebook ads will tell you that 99% of bloggers are spammers.

3.  Sign up for things with your email address, then forward copies of what you receive to the blogger and tell them, What the fuck are you sending me all the time, I never signed up for this shit?  I thought I was getting a free Powerball ticket. (note your message doesn’t have to make any sense at all, because you are purposefully misunderstanding them first!)

• This works even better if you send them an email in 6 point fonts!
• Better yet, make sure you give them an @ reply on twitter too!

4.  Repeat these words after me, then paste them in a reply on your favorite tech bloggers comments, “But Michael Arrington Said Your Were Wrong and a Douche Bag on Tech Crunch” Even better include a link to one of Michael’s articles that has a brazillion comments and indicate that it was a comment that he made below the actual article responding to something Scobleizer said in support of the same bloggers blog.

5. If you have the balls, you can always just call the blogger stupid.  That’s always good for a laugh or two

• Two brains and you can barely scrape together a single thought? What kind of moron are you?
• 

6.  No Matter what tell the blogger their article is too long.  This works even better on twitter too, even if they send out a tweet that says ‘no’ ask them to quit being so damned long winded.

7. Pretend that their fake charactures of themselves and their kids are REAL Pictures, Then insult them by calling their kids ugly!  But don’t forget to call the blogger ugly too.  For bonus points, tell them that you couldn’t follow or subscribe to a blog that has an ugly blogger due to your new Apple Ugly Blogger Firewall protection.

8. This is one of my favorites.  Read the title of their article, but DO NOT read the rest of the article.  Assume that the title says all there is to say, then attack them for their stupidity.

• 
• What kind of moron spends $125 on shoes.  That’s the dumbest thing I ever heard of.  You probably can’t even afford health insurance, but you will spend big bucks on Nike’s
• Note, don’t feel bad if they made a clever argument to support the title or anything like that.  This is the age of twitter, if the title doesn’t say it all, well then the blogger is just wrong. 

9. Attack them for failing to come up with one more bullet point or item for their list.  “You small minded bastard, all you could think of were 9 things!  What kind of retard are you!”

The glory of web 2.0 is that it fails and breaks just as much and as often as that old crappy web 1.0.  The big difference is that you can see it fail, break and generally suck while you and your friends watch.

Plus, in a throw back to champions of pastels, you can watch it suck with mild looking colors and rounded corners.  No service lives quite up to the utter suckiness of web 2.0 like the current king of web 2.0, twitter.

Where did Twitter Get Its Name?

Twitter is a serviced named by many accounts after a homeless man who died on the a silicon valley curb while a mob of computer geek nerds took cell phone pictures and text messaged their friends to remark on his last death convulsions.  Not a single sucky uber geek lifted a hand to save the bum, not a single geek called 911, but 430 text messages were generated from that situation from a small group of 30 people waiting for a green bus.

Ironically, none of the 430 text messages were sent to anyone outside of the group watching.  While the poor bum twittered and jerked for the last time on this earth, the crowd of texting Poindexters were engaged in a mental sms circle jerk described by the most enterprising nerd as a twitter.

This was the conception of what would later become the most pointless web 2.0 application ever.

Quick spoiler, he makes a splat

The South Carolina Governor that got lost on the Appalachian trail angling for some Argentinian Tail may have his sights set in a NEW direction this month.  Sources close to the Governor’s SMS texting account believe that he may be carrying on a textual affair with a former member of the Latin American Boy Band Menudo! 

He is a Republican ya know and those Republican Politicians, they luv them some forbidden fruits.

Governor Sanford’s publicist will not confirm whether or not Sanford will appear on the new Fox Reality show, “Dancing with the Whores”, but she would say that Sanford has had a little more tango experience recently.

It’s called CurseBird and NO they do not have an affiliate program.  So you can go and curse them out on Twitter all you like, its probably not going to make your tweets have any more impact than they don’t already!

We’d like to thank our sponsors Vocus Productivity software or some crap like that. 

Obviously, they are looking for clients just like You! 

People that are fucking around on the internet when they should be getting some work done. 

Well as soon as your boss pays Vocus some money for whatever the hell they sell, odds are you will be forced to be more productive or find yourself shit canned like so many other people these days.

Is it humane to tie a dog to an alligator with a rope or leash, and then film the results and publish it to twitter?

My children are angels.  They were not born this way.  They were raised this way.

I do not beat, maim, torture, brutalize or harm my children physically in any way to achieve their obedience, discipline and good manors.  Neither does my wife.

We simply use flatulence to discipline our children.

It’s a simple practice really.  If your children even hint at disobedience, you simply fart on them.

If you are not sure if they were disobedient, then you secretly fart more in their bedroom just before bed time.

The great thing about flatulent discipline is that they do not always have to be guilty and they do not always need to know that you farted on them.  If your children have siblings, they will also start to self discipline each other.  When one of your children farts, the others will have to wonder if mom or dad was responsible for the odor and therefore wonder if Mom and Dad were aware of what ever devilish behavior they were engaging in or contemplating.

This is also a great way to get grandpa and grandma into the discipline game.  Grandparents are notorious for walk by farting, so much so that many comedians have made a very good living talking about grandparents that get the walking farts.  Now, normally grandparents are push overs with their grandkids and fail to keep them disciplined.  This often times gives parents a bit of a set back, but when flatulent discipline is exercised grandparents begin uncontrollably discipline the grandkids and this helps parents keep things in balance.

Last month on my way to the consumer electronics super bowl known as CES in Las Vegas, I ran into a power problem.

Yup, I’m not only weird, but I’m an Uber Geek.

When I arrived at my gate, I need a plug for my 7 pound ‘Puter a trusty Toshiba 17 inch monster of a laptop not designed for travel, but designed to pull on the testosterone heart strings of my compensation needs while I’m impulse buying at the local Geek store (Fry’s).

So how do you get other people to abandon their plugin at the Airport so that you can jack into some amps?  Here are several Steps to insure your power crisis ends

1. The easiest, is to sit down near the plug, preferably on the floor with your own plug in hand, and then proceed to peel a banana.
2. The banana will not immediately scare anyone off, but as you eat the banana shove the entire thing into your mouth at once.  Not like Linda Lovelace in a deep throat remake but more like John Belushi in Animal House, or like a dweeb in a hot dog eating contest just trying to smash the banana into his mouth to eat a lot at a time.  Again this will not scare anyone off, until you do the next step.
3. Next, proceed to look a little sick and then belch, very loudly.  This will not do much either, but you are basically just trying to set the stage.
4. Next pull out an obviously used kleenex from your pocket, and blow your nose in it as loudly as possible.  Then put it back in your pocket flamboyantly so that everyone will notice.
5. Now, you are ready for the real phase 1 – GAS – Fart your ass off. If you are sitting on the floor, this should be very loud and should make the concourse shudder.  No silent farts, but real loud flatulant queeefy farts that flutter around like a whoopy cushion that just won’t quit.
6. Now, when you fart does quit, do not look around at anyone, but do pay attention to the plug.  If someone pulls out early, then plug your cord in immediately.
7. If no one has left yet, you are ready for the next phase.  Spill your drink on their feet.  Do not dump it onto their feet (future step) but spill it a bit so that it runs underneath their feet.  (Oh and make sure you are spilling it under the feet of someone that is actually plugged in already as opposed to  . . . anyone else.
8. If that doesn’t get them to go, then as you are trying to make a BIG show of cleaning up things (preferably with that same snotty kleenex from above) then you accidentally dump/knock the rest of your drink into their actual shoe.  This will normally get rid of the most hard core computer users with the exception of MIT graduates that are down on their luck.
9. For those Uber geeky bastards, your best bet is to simultaneously spill the ice remaining in your cup onto their actual computer.  It won’t really harm anything, but will make a big show and force them to expose their screen which is likely to be full of the raunchiest porn anyone ever saw.  That will unsettle them and will give you an opening.
10. Now, you yell “Hey is that Jenna Jameson signing up people for a 800 person gang bang?”and point at a distant blond.  Note, it doesn’t have to look anything like Jenna Jameson as true MIT geeks, can’t see for shit anyway as they have been masturbating too much for their entire existence.  The person just needs to be relatively blond and relatively feminine looking too (need not be an actual girl because they won’t care)
11. Now as the uber MIT geek runs off, you jack your computer into the power outlet and get to work.
    1. Note, if you are trying to defend against this attack, simply put bread bags on your feet and then put your socks on,
    2. Then put ear plugs in so that you cannot hear anything, and
    3. stick a couple chunks up your nose so that you can not smell anything either.