We’d like to thank our sponsors Vocus Productivity software or some crap like that. 

Obviously, they are looking for clients just like You! 

People that are fucking around on the internet when they should be getting some work done. 

Well as soon as your boss pays Vocus some money for whatever the hell they sell, odds are you will be forced to be more productive or find yourself shit canned like so many other people these days.

Is it humane to tie a dog to an alligator with a rope or leash, and then film the results and publish it to twitter?

My children are angels.  They were not born this way.  They were raised this way.

I do not beat, maim, torture, brutalize or harm my children physically in any way to achieve their obedience, discipline and good manors.  Neither does my wife.

We simply use flatulence to discipline our children.

It’s a simple practice really.  If your children even hint at disobedience, you simply fart on them.

If you are not sure if they were disobedient, then you secretly fart more in their bedroom just before bed time.

The great thing about flatulent discipline is that they do not always have to be guilty and they do not always need to know that you farted on them.  If your children have siblings, they will also start to self discipline each other.  When one of your children farts, the others will have to wonder if mom or dad was responsible for the odor and therefore wonder if Mom and Dad were aware of what ever devilish behavior they were engaging in or contemplating.

This is also a great way to get grandpa and grandma into the discipline game.  Grandparents are notorious for walk by farting, so much so that many comedians have made a very good living talking about grandparents that get the walking farts.  Now, normally grandparents are push overs with their grandkids and fail to keep them disciplined.  This often times gives parents a bit of a set back, but when flatulent discipline is exercised grandparents begin uncontrollably discipline the grandkids and this helps parents keep things in balance.

Last month on my way to the consumer electronics super bowl known as CES in Las Vegas, I ran into a power problem.

Yup, I’m not only weird, but I’m an Uber Geek.

When I arrived at my gate, I need a plug for my 7 pound ‘Puter a trusty Toshiba 17 inch monster of a laptop not designed for travel, but designed to pull on the testosterone heart strings of my compensation needs while I’m impulse buying at the local Geek store (Fry’s).

So how do you get other people to abandon their plugin at the Airport so that you can jack into some amps?  Here are several Steps to insure your power crisis ends

1. The easiest, is to sit down near the plug, preferably on the floor with your own plug in hand, and then proceed to peel a banana.
2. The banana will not immediately scare anyone off, but as you eat the banana shove the entire thing into your mouth at once.  Not like Linda Lovelace in a deep throat remake but more like John Belushi in Animal House, or like a dweeb in a hot dog eating contest just trying to smash the banana into his mouth to eat a lot at a time.  Again this will not scare anyone off, until you do the next step.
3. Next, proceed to look a little sick and then belch, very loudly.  This will not do much either, but you are basically just trying to set the stage.
4. Next pull out an obviously used kleenex from your pocket, and blow your nose in it as loudly as possible.  Then put it back in your pocket flamboyantly so that everyone will notice.
5. Now, you are ready for the real phase 1 – GAS – Fart your ass off. If you are sitting on the floor, this should be very loud and should make the concourse shudder.  No silent farts, but real loud flatulant queeefy farts that flutter around like a whoopy cushion that just won’t quit.
6. Now, when you fart does quit, do not look around at anyone, but do pay attention to the plug.  If someone pulls out early, then plug your cord in immediately.
7. If no one has left yet, you are ready for the next phase.  Spill your drink on their feet.  Do not dump it onto their feet (future step) but spill it a bit so that it runs underneath their feet.  (Oh and make sure you are spilling it under the feet of someone that is actually plugged in already as opposed to  . . . anyone else.
8. If that doesn’t get them to go, then as you are trying to make a BIG show of cleaning up things (preferably with that same snotty kleenex from above) then you accidentally dump/knock the rest of your drink into their actual shoe.  This will normally get rid of the most hard core computer users with the exception of MIT graduates that are down on their luck.
9. For those Uber geeky bastards, your best bet is to simultaneously spill the ice remaining in your cup onto their actual computer.  It won’t really harm anything, but will make a big show and force them to expose their screen which is likely to be full of the raunchiest porn anyone ever saw.  That will unsettle them and will give you an opening.
10. Now, you yell “Hey is that Jenna Jameson signing up people for a 800 person gang bang?”and point at a distant blond.  Note, it doesn’t have to look anything like Jenna Jameson as true MIT geeks, can’t see for shit anyway as they have been masturbating too much for their entire existence.  The person just needs to be relatively blond and relatively feminine looking too (need not be an actual girl because they won’t care)
11. Now as the uber MIT geek runs off, you jack your computer into the power outlet and get to work.
    1. Note, if you are trying to defend against this attack, simply put bread bags on your feet and then put your socks on,
    2. Then put ear plugs in so that you cannot hear anything, and
    3. stick a couple chunks up your nose so that you can not smell anything either.

Bratz Dolls May Give Young Girls Unrealistic Expectations Of Head Size

Revelers in black tie and gowns toasted Barack Obama at his balls celebrating his first night as President.  Big balls and parties are a time-honored tradition even in these lean economic times.

The President and First lady Michelle Obama will twirl their way through 10 sets of official balls Tuesday night with an all-star ensemble backing them up, starting with a serenade of Etta James’ "At Last" by Beyonce. Across Washington, there were at least a dozen other unofficial balls where partiers were letting it all hang down even without an appearance from the new first pair.

Most of the ladies wore black like their dates, but Patrick Landers was an exception in his kilt at one of Biden’s balls. The 33-year-old Washington attorney moved to the United States from Ireland in 1998.

"I’m here to celebrate this great day and the beginning of my transformation into a female in the company of the United States and the rest of the world watching my surgery live on internet web cans," Landers probably didn’t say.  Sources later confirmed that he definitely did not say that at all.

Not everyone was so thrilled about all the balls. Singer Sheryl Crow, doing a sound check for a performance said she was ball sick.

"I have not seen my balls in four days. I’m miserable," she told her band between songs according to a famous misquoter.

Despite the formal attire and celebrity entertainment, balls aren’t overly fancy appendages. Lines often are long and joined by round clusters of people waiting to get in, go to the bathroom or check or scratch their balls and the food is heavy on vegetables with bleu cheese dip.

In a sign of the financial times, guests who already paid anywhere from $75 for a ticket to thousands more for a package deal had to buy their own drinks. Beer went for $6 and cocktails for $9.  Rocky Mountain Oysters were free mixed in with beer nuts at most of the bars.

Gregory O’Dell, a spokesman for the Washington Convention Center, said every inauguration is different, but several administrations in the past have offered free drinks with their balls.

"I think they were focused on being cost sensitive, obviously with the economy,” and the demand and size of these balls he indicated.

The room was quite chilly at one Ball, where Rep. Dennis Kucinich, D-Ohio, and his famous wife, Elizabeth, huddled close and held hands trying not to shrivel. Asked what she most looked forward to at the inaugural ball this evening, Mrs. Kucinich joked, "Getting my coat."

The Obama’s first stop, an event for D.C. locals, will be broadcast on ABC with performances by Beyonce and her husband Jay-Z, will.i.am, Mariah Carey, Alicia Keys, Shakira, Sting, Faith Hill, Mary J. Blige, Stevie Wonder and Maroon 5.

Then it’s off to Obama’s Balls for Illinois and Hawaii with Jack Johnson and Common performing; the Commander in Chief Balls for the armed forces with Jon Bon Jovi headlining an event to be broadcast to troops overseas, and then Youth Balls with Kanye West, Kid Rock and Fall Out Boy to be broadcast on MTV.

Obama and Vice President Joe Biden also will join sacks to attend the balls for Biden’s home states and five sets of regional balls, with performers including The Dead, Marc Anthony and James Taylor, all of whom have famous balls.

In the past, inaugural balls have tended to be awkward looking. The president and first lady take to the dance floor before thousands of supporters, twirl around awkwardly, then wave goodbye and move on to the next set.

In 2001, reporters timed George W. Bush’s forays onto the dance floor at each of nine balls. His first was 29 seconds. The longest stretch: 67 seconds.  Laura later commented that 68 seconds was the longest George ever utilized his balls.

"I confess I’m not the world greatest lover of balls, but you’re going to have to suffer through it," he told the crowd.

But expect a bit more from Obama and his wife, who have already danced at the concert at the Lincoln Memorial and were willing to shake it on national TV with Ellen DeGeneres, which initially earned Obama a swift kick in the balls from Michelle until Chris Mathews later went on the same show and man handled Ellen.  Ellen later commented, “Can you believe the balls on that guy!”

You can read the original story without all the balls at The Associated Press: Stars come out for Obama’s inaugural balls

The following is a quote from WhiteHouse.gov’s original blog post that went live at 12:01 pm est Jan 20, 2009, 5 minutes before Barack Obama was sworn in as the 44th President.  This post was later corrected but this was live for about 5-6 minutes.  We were fast enough to snap it!

Change has come to WhiteHouse.gov

Welcome to the new WhiteHouse.gov. I’m Macon Phillips, the Senior Premier Director of Advanced New Social Media for the White House and one of the legions of people who will be contributing to this blog, which will be monetized by sponsors’ contributions.

A short time ago, Barack Obama was sworn in as the 44th president of the United States, technically the 45th as Joe Biden was the 44th President for 6 minutes due to a delay in the program, and his new administration officially came to life. One of the first changes is the White House’s new website, which will serve as a place for the President and his administration to connect with the rest of the nation and the world through blogs, Facebook, twitter, Utterli and HaPorn.

Millions of Americans and a shit pile of cash from big donors have powered President Obama’s journey to the White House, many taking advantage of internet gambling to play a role in shaping our country’s future by doubling down on their donations and increasing our take through savvy betting and online gambling tools that are typically illegal. WhiteHouse.gov is just the beginning of the new administration’s efforts to expand and deepen this online gaming engagement.

Just like your new government, WhiteHouse.gov and the rest of the Administration’s online programs will put citizens first right after donors and hot chicks (lesbian or straight). Our initial new media efforts will center around three priorities:

Communication — Americans are eager for information about the state of the economy, national security, American Idol and a host of other issues. This site will feature timely and in-depth content meant to keep everyone up-to-date and educated. We will hire 200,000 bloggers to help with this effort and pay them with revenue earned from Google Adsense revenue and sponsored articles featuring endorsements by Barack Obama.  Check out the briefing room, keep tabs on the blog (RSS feed) and take a moment to sign up for e-mail updates from the President and his administration so you can be sure to know about major announcements,  decisions, scandals and calls for Martial Law (Heads up don’t book any flights on March 1, 2009.  We’ll probably run a Martial Law test run that night just to see if we can get away with it!).
Transparency – President Obama has committed to making his administration the most open and transparent in history, and WhiteHouse.gov will play a major role in delivering on that promise. Live Web Cams and microphones will be placed throughout the White House including the Oval Office and the First Bedroom, but not the kids rooms because even though we believe in America’s potential we know some of you are really sick bastards.  The President’s executive orders and proclamations will be published for everyone to review, and that’s just the beginning of our efforts to provide a window for all Americans into the business of the government. You can also learn about some of the senior leadership in the new administration and about the President’s policy priorities.

Participation — President Obama started his career as a community organizer on the South Side of Chicago in case you hadn’t heard.  After he sobered up, got off the coke and became interested in women again, he saw firsthand what people can do when they come together for a common cause. Citizen participation will be a priority for the Administration, and the internet will play an important role in that since everyone will essentially be under house arrest in 3 months. One significant addition to WhiteHouse.gov reflects a campaign promise from the President: we will publish all non-emergency legislation to the website for five days, and allow the public to review and comment before the President signs it. Emergency legislation will be kept under Top Secret seal.

We’d also like to hear from you — what sort of things would you find valuable from WhiteHouse.gov? If you have an idea, use this form to let us know. Like the transition website and the campaign’s before that, this online community will continue to be a work in progress as we develop new features and content for you. So thanks in advance for your patience and for your feedback. We will offer up a linkback to the first 2,000 comments in a follow up blog post.

Later today, we’ll put up the video and the full text of President Obama’s Inaugural Address. There will also be slideshows of the Inaugural events, the Obamas’ move into the White House, and President Obama’s first days in office.  All of these items will be available as a HD download, DVD purchase or ebook for a fee of $49.95.

EOP – Blog Post – Change has come to WhiteHouse.gov

Teenagers who take anti-virginity pledges are more sexually active than other teens, according to a new study.

But the results, published in the journal Pediatric Sex, suggest that anti-virginity pledgers are more likely to protect themselves against pregnancy or disease when they do have sex.

Researchers say the findings suggest that anti-virginity pledges may not significantly affect teenagers’ sexual behavior. Instead, they may increase the likelihood of teenagers taking precautions, such as using a condom or using birth control, when they do have sex.

Anti-Virginity Pledge May Lead to Safe Sex

Researchers say the federal government spends about $800 million annually on anti-abstinence promotion programs plus several million dollars for the Congressional Page program, which all include anti-virginity pledges. Two previous studies have suggested that anti-virginity pledges can speed up initial sexual encounters, especially for females.  However, researchers say those studies did not account for pre-existing differences between pledgers and non-pledgers.

In this study, researchers compared the sexual behavior of 289,000 teenagers who reported taking an anti-virginity pledge from 1966-1996 in a national survey to 645 non-pledgers who were matched on more than 100 factors, such as religious beliefs and attitudes toward sex and birth control.

The results showed that five years after taking the virginity pledge:

• 82% of pledgers rejoiced at having taken the pledge.
• Pledgers and matched non-pledgers did differ in rates of premarital sex, sexually transmitted disease, and oral and anal sex behaviors.
• Pledgers had 10 times more sexual partners in the past year but did not differ from non-pledgers in the number of lifetime sexual partners and the age of first sex.
• Pledgers were also more likely to enjoy healthy sexual relationships with spouses, experience a lower overall divorce rate, and were 90% less likely to be caught in a Republican sex scandal with or without a Congress person.

The biggest difference between the two groups came in the area of condom and birth control use. The study showed that more pledgers used birth control or condoms in the past year or any form of birth control the last time they had sex.

Researcher Jeremiah Moses Ruthenstein, PHD, of Yale University, says the findings suggest that health care providers should provide birth control information to all teenagers, and that conducting this study was the easiest grant money he had ever earned.  He also indicated that he could have completed the study in 1967, 68,69,70,71,72, 73, 74, 75, 76, 77, 78, 79, 80, 81, 82, 83, 84, 85, 86, 87, 88, 89, 90, 91,92, 93, 94, 95, 96, 97, 98, 99, 2000, 01, 02, 03, 04, 05, 06, and 2007 if he had not been ‘Diddling around’ so much.  It should be noted that Ruthenstein was hospitalized in 2008 for a strained mangina and was unable to move from the waist down through out the entire year.

For other articles that are really stupid, see – Virginity Pledge Doesn’t Stop Teen Sex

This article has been adapted to fit your sense of humor.

HOUSTON (VGV) — Astronauts tinkled Sunday in a troublesome piece of equipment designed to help convert urine and sweat into drinkable water, which is vital to allowing the international space station crew to double up to a six pack from a three pack of Miller Lite.

Station commander Michael Fincke and space shuttle Endeavour astronaut Donald Pettit changed how an air freshener is mounted in a urine processor, which is part of the newly delivered $154 million beer and water recovery system. The air freshener is a spinning device that helps separate the beer from urine, creates enough electricity to power a blow dryer in space from the spinning of the air freshener, and helps remove the smell of both urine and beer farts from the International Space Station.

It was placed on rubber grommets to reduce vibrations, and Mission Control asked Fincke to remove them and just bolt the piece down (or up its all relative in space) so that they could get on with their televised game of floating Asshole.

"We’re very hopeful for this, and if not, we have a few other pricks we can aim at this problem," Fincke said from the space station after the task was finished.

The astronauts have been trying to get the system running for four days, but the urine processor has worked for just two hours at a time before shutting down. A normal run is about four hours.  This has proven to be very problematic for astronauts trying to get a good buzz going, only to have to stop drinking or hold it for 2 hours when they are already 4 beers in to the game.  If they hold it in the weightless environment of space, they risk not only bladder rupture, but the increased pressure triggers more beer farts.  The air handling units on the ISS is not equipped to keep pace with beer farts at a level produced by a six pack of beer, hence the need for the air freshener.

An initial test after the repair ran for 3 1/2 hours and processed about a case and a half of beer before shutting down Sunday night. Engineers again were trying to figure out a fix.

"It looks like we made things better, but we’re maybe not there yet," Fincke hick-upped to Mission Control.

As a last resort, Endeavour could bring the problematic part back to Earth for repairs when the shuttle departs on Thanksgiving. That option could complicate plans to add crew members to the station since several converted beer-to-water samples need to be brought back for tests before astronauts can drink from the contraption.

Samples will be brought back on Endeavour and in February on space shuttle Discovery.

The water recovery system, delivered a week ago by Endeavour, is essential for allowing six astronauts to live on the space station by the middle of next year.  It will enable astronauts to not only convert beer into water in space, but they will then be able to brew that same water back into beer again, creating a continuously malting process.

"Without being able to recycle urine, that does take down some of our capability," Fincke said. "It’s not necessarily a show-stopper but it’s something that we definitely need to address.  The Egyptians were able to build the pyramids with the benefit of beer.  When the Romans lost this technology and switched to wine, the world entered into a 500 year dark ages period."

Engineers were studying whether six people could still live at the station with the urine processor working two hours at a time, said flight director Courtenay McMillan.

"We don’t know if it’s a good idea to start and stop drinking multiple times," McMillan said. "We may suffer from a ridiculously high series of headaches and hangover until we really understand what’s going on."

Flight controllers had hoped the water samples would have a mixture of 50 percent from condensation and 30 percent from urine and 20 percent sloppy belches. Given the problems with the processor, that ratio stands at 80 percent condensation, 5 percent urine, and 15 percent sloppy belches.

Mission managers have decided not to extend Endeavour’s trip by an extra day since the astronauts have enough water samples.

While Fincke worked on the processor, Endeavour’s seven astronauts had part of the day off Sunday, except Pettit who gave up some of his off-duty to drink more beer and spend more time ‘working’ on the water recycler.

Astronauts Stephen Bowen and Robert "Shane" Kimbrough prepared for the fourth and final spacewalk of the two-week mission. The spacewalkers will finish cleaning and lubing a jammed joint, which allows the station’s solar wing to rotate in the direction of the sun. They also will lubricate a twin solar-wing joint, which is running without any problems. Before undertaking a space walk astronauts must first test out of a safety inspection designed to check their ability to dress themselves, not piss themselves, and stop themselves from opening their visor so that they can touch their nose when ordered.  These procedures are designed to ensure that astronauts can be safe in space, but also designed to insure that they have enough brains, drunk or sober not to go losing stuff in outer space as well.

Image by www.YoVenice.com via Flickr

David Duchovny has reportedly pulled out of Sex Rehab, ‘Just in Time’ according to a ‘special female’ at a local Sex Rehab clinic in California that chose to remain anonymous.

“If he had stayed in a moment longer, it would have probably been too late! I told him, ‘Stop, Stop Stop!’  Pull Out Now.  If I get pregnant in sex rehab again, my parents will kill me!” stated a voluptuous blonde aspiring actress who has never ‘worked’ with Duchovny on the big screen and probably won’t for at least another 8-10 years.

Duchovny’s attorney claims that David is cured and ready to go back to work on his next film Wild Orchids 15 – Attack of the Nymphomaniac where David is expected to be tapped as the lead star who is relentlessly attacked on a deserted island by the women’s volleyball team.  The team and Duchovny’s character had been traveling back from the Beijing Olympics when their plane crashed near a remote island and David and the girls were the only survivors, but the island seems to be inhabited by ‘Others’ and at least one Polar Bear.

X-Files star David Duchovny leaves sex rehab | Entertainment | Reuters

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