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Bratz Dolls May Give Young Girls Unrealistic Expectations Of Head Size

Revelers in black tie and gowns toasted Barack Obama at his balls celebrating his first night as President.  Big balls and parties are a time-honored tradition even in these lean economic times.

The President and First lady Michelle Obama will twirl their way through 10 sets of official balls Tuesday night with an all-star ensemble backing them up, starting with a serenade of Etta James’ "At Last" by Beyonce. Across Washington, there were at least a dozen other unofficial balls where partiers were letting it all hang down even without an appearance from the new first pair.

Most of the ladies wore black like their dates, but Patrick Landers was an exception in his kilt at one of Biden’s balls. The 33-year-old Washington attorney moved to the United States from Ireland in 1998.

"I’m here to celebrate this great day and the beginning of my transformation into a female in the company of the United States and the rest of the world watching my surgery live on internet web cans," Landers probably didn’t say.  Sources later confirmed that he definitely did not say that at all.

Not everyone was so thrilled about all the balls. Singer Sheryl Crow, doing a sound check for a performance said she was ball sick.

"I have not seen my balls in four days. I’m miserable," she told her band between songs according to a famous misquoter.

Despite the formal attire and celebrity entertainment, balls aren’t overly fancy appendages. Lines often are long and joined by round clusters of people waiting to get in, go to the bathroom or check or scratch their balls and the food is heavy on vegetables with bleu cheese dip.

In a sign of the financial times, guests who already paid anywhere from $75 for a ticket to thousands more for a package deal had to buy their own drinks. Beer went for $6 and cocktails for $9.  Rocky Mountain Oysters were free mixed in with beer nuts at most of the bars.

Gregory O’Dell, a spokesman for the Washington Convention Center, said every inauguration is different, but several administrations in the past have offered free drinks with their balls.

"I think they were focused on being cost sensitive, obviously with the economy,” and the demand and size of these balls he indicated.

The room was quite chilly at one Ball, where Rep. Dennis Kucinich, D-Ohio, and his famous wife, Elizabeth, huddled close and held hands trying not to shrivel. Asked what she most looked forward to at the inaugural ball this evening, Mrs. Kucinich joked, "Getting my coat."

The Obama’s first stop, an event for D.C. locals, will be broadcast on ABC with performances by Beyonce and her husband Jay-Z, will.i.am, Mariah Carey, Alicia Keys, Shakira, Sting, Faith Hill, Mary J. Blige, Stevie Wonder and Maroon 5.

Then it’s off to Obama’s Balls for Illinois and Hawaii with Jack Johnson and Common performing; the Commander in Chief Balls for the armed forces with Jon Bon Jovi headlining an event to be broadcast to troops overseas, and then Youth Balls with Kanye West, Kid Rock and Fall Out Boy to be broadcast on MTV.

Obama and Vice President Joe Biden also will join sacks to attend the balls for Biden’s home states and five sets of regional balls, with performers including The Dead, Marc Anthony and James Taylor, all of whom have famous balls.

In the past, inaugural balls have tended to be awkward looking. The president and first lady take to the dance floor before thousands of supporters, twirl around awkwardly, then wave goodbye and move on to the next set.

In 2001, reporters timed George W. Bush’s forays onto the dance floor at each of nine balls. His first was 29 seconds. The longest stretch: 67 seconds.  Laura later commented that 68 seconds was the longest George ever utilized his balls.

"I confess I’m not the world greatest lover of balls, but you’re going to have to suffer through it," he told the crowd.

But expect a bit more from Obama and his wife, who have already danced at the concert at the Lincoln Memorial and were willing to shake it on national TV with Ellen DeGeneres, which initially earned Obama a swift kick in the balls from Michelle until Chris Mathews later went on the same show and man handled Ellen.  Ellen later commented, “Can you believe the balls on that guy!”

You can read the original story without all the balls at The Associated Press: Stars come out for Obama’s inaugural balls

The following is a quote from WhiteHouse.gov’s original blog post that went live at 12:01 pm est Jan 20, 2009, 5 minutes before Barack Obama was sworn in as the 44th President.  This post was later corrected but this was live for about 5-6 minutes.  We were fast enough to snap it!

Change has come to WhiteHouse.gov

Welcome to the new WhiteHouse.gov. I’m Macon Phillips, the Senior Premier Director of Advanced New Social Media for the White House and one of the legions of people who will be contributing to this blog, which will be monetized by sponsors’ contributions.

A short time ago, Barack Obama was sworn in as the 44th president of the United States, technically the 45th as Joe Biden was the 44th President for 6 minutes due to a delay in the program, and his new administration officially came to life. One of the first changes is the White House’s new website, which will serve as a place for the President and his administration to connect with the rest of the nation and the world through blogs, Facebook, twitter, Utterli and HaPorn.

Millions of Americans and a shit pile of cash from big donors have powered President Obama’s journey to the White House, many taking advantage of internet gambling to play a role in shaping our country’s future by doubling down on their donations and increasing our take through savvy betting and online gambling tools that are typically illegal. WhiteHouse.gov is just the beginning of the new administration’s efforts to expand and deepen this online gaming engagement.

Just like your new government, WhiteHouse.gov and the rest of the Administration’s online programs will put citizens first right after donors and hot chicks (lesbian or straight). Our initial new media efforts will center around three priorities:

Communication — Americans are eager for information about the state of the economy, national security, American Idol and a host of other issues. This site will feature timely and in-depth content meant to keep everyone up-to-date and educated. We will hire 200,000 bloggers to help with this effort and pay them with revenue earned from Google Adsense revenue and sponsored articles featuring endorsements by Barack Obama.  Check out the briefing room, keep tabs on the blog (RSS feed) and take a moment to sign up for e-mail updates from the President and his administration so you can be sure to know about major announcements,  decisions, scandals and calls for Martial Law (Heads up don’t book any flights on March 1, 2009.  We’ll probably run a Martial Law test run that night just to see if we can get away with it!).
Transparency – President Obama has committed to making his administration the most open and transparent in history, and WhiteHouse.gov will play a major role in delivering on that promise. Live Web Cams and microphones will be placed throughout the White House including the Oval Office and the First Bedroom, but not the kids rooms because even though we believe in America’s potential we know some of you are really sick bastards.  The President’s executive orders and proclamations will be published for everyone to review, and that’s just the beginning of our efforts to provide a window for all Americans into the business of the government. You can also learn about some of the senior leadership in the new administration and about the President’s policy priorities.

Participation — President Obama started his career as a community organizer on the South Side of Chicago in case you hadn’t heard.  After he sobered up, got off the coke and became interested in women again, he saw firsthand what people can do when they come together for a common cause. Citizen participation will be a priority for the Administration, and the internet will play an important role in that since everyone will essentially be under house arrest in 3 months. One significant addition to WhiteHouse.gov reflects a campaign promise from the President: we will publish all non-emergency legislation to the website for five days, and allow the public to review and comment before the President signs it. Emergency legislation will be kept under Top Secret seal.

We’d also like to hear from you — what sort of things would you find valuable from WhiteHouse.gov? If you have an idea, use this form to let us know. Like the transition website and the campaign’s before that, this online community will continue to be a work in progress as we develop new features and content for you. So thanks in advance for your patience and for your feedback. We will offer up a linkback to the first 2,000 comments in a follow up blog post.

Later today, we’ll put up the video and the full text of President Obama’s Inaugural Address. There will also be slideshows of the Inaugural events, the Obamas’ move into the White House, and President Obama’s first days in office.  All of these items will be available as a HD download, DVD purchase or ebook for a fee of $49.95.

EOP – Blog Post – Change has come to WhiteHouse.gov

Teenagers who take anti-virginity pledges are more sexually active than other teens, according to a new study.

But the results, published in the journal Pediatric Sex, suggest that anti-virginity pledgers are more likely to protect themselves against pregnancy or disease when they do have sex.

Researchers say the findings suggest that anti-virginity pledges may not significantly affect teenagers’ sexual behavior. Instead, they may increase the likelihood of teenagers taking precautions, such as using a condom or using birth control, when they do have sex.

Anti-Virginity Pledge May Lead to Safe Sex

Researchers say the federal government spends about $800 million annually on anti-abstinence promotion programs plus several million dollars for the Congressional Page program, which all include anti-virginity pledges. Two previous studies have suggested that anti-virginity pledges can speed up initial sexual encounters, especially for females.  However, researchers say those studies did not account for pre-existing differences between pledgers and non-pledgers.

In this study, researchers compared the sexual behavior of 289,000 teenagers who reported taking an anti-virginity pledge from 1966-1996 in a national survey to 645 non-pledgers who were matched on more than 100 factors, such as religious beliefs and attitudes toward sex and birth control.

The results showed that five years after taking the virginity pledge:

• 82% of pledgers rejoiced at having taken the pledge.
• Pledgers and matched non-pledgers did differ in rates of premarital sex, sexually transmitted disease, and oral and anal sex behaviors.
• Pledgers had 10 times more sexual partners in the past year but did not differ from non-pledgers in the number of lifetime sexual partners and the age of first sex.
• Pledgers were also more likely to enjoy healthy sexual relationships with spouses, experience a lower overall divorce rate, and were 90% less likely to be caught in a Republican sex scandal with or without a Congress person.

The biggest difference between the two groups came in the area of condom and birth control use. The study showed that more pledgers used birth control or condoms in the past year or any form of birth control the last time they had sex.

Researcher Jeremiah Moses Ruthenstein, PHD, of Yale University, says the findings suggest that health care providers should provide birth control information to all teenagers, and that conducting this study was the easiest grant money he had ever earned.  He also indicated that he could have completed the study in 1967, 68,69,70,71,72, 73, 74, 75, 76, 77, 78, 79, 80, 81, 82, 83, 84, 85, 86, 87, 88, 89, 90, 91,92, 93, 94, 95, 96, 97, 98, 99, 2000, 01, 02, 03, 04, 05, 06, and 2007 if he had not been ‘Diddling around’ so much.  It should be noted that Ruthenstein was hospitalized in 2008 for a strained mangina and was unable to move from the waist down through out the entire year.

For other articles that are really stupid, see – Virginity Pledge Doesn’t Stop Teen Sex

This article has been adapted to fit your sense of humor.

HOUSTON (VGV) — Astronauts tinkled Sunday in a troublesome piece of equipment designed to help convert urine and sweat into drinkable water, which is vital to allowing the international space station crew to double up to a six pack from a three pack of Miller Lite.

Station commander Michael Fincke and space shuttle Endeavour astronaut Donald Pettit changed how an air freshener is mounted in a urine processor, which is part of the newly delivered $154 million beer and water recovery system. The air freshener is a spinning device that helps separate the beer from urine, creates enough electricity to power a blow dryer in space from the spinning of the air freshener, and helps remove the smell of both urine and beer farts from the International Space Station.

It was placed on rubber grommets to reduce vibrations, and Mission Control asked Fincke to remove them and just bolt the piece down (or up its all relative in space) so that they could get on with their televised game of floating Asshole.

"We’re very hopeful for this, and if not, we have a few other pricks we can aim at this problem," Fincke said from the space station after the task was finished.

The astronauts have been trying to get the system running for four days, but the urine processor has worked for just two hours at a time before shutting down. A normal run is about four hours.  This has proven to be very problematic for astronauts trying to get a good buzz going, only to have to stop drinking or hold it for 2 hours when they are already 4 beers in to the game.  If they hold it in the weightless environment of space, they risk not only bladder rupture, but the increased pressure triggers more beer farts.  The air handling units on the ISS is not equipped to keep pace with beer farts at a level produced by a six pack of beer, hence the need for the air freshener.

An initial test after the repair ran for 3 1/2 hours and processed about a case and a half of beer before shutting down Sunday night. Engineers again were trying to figure out a fix.

"It looks like we made things better, but we’re maybe not there yet," Fincke hick-upped to Mission Control.

As a last resort, Endeavour could bring the problematic part back to Earth for repairs when the shuttle departs on Thanksgiving. That option could complicate plans to add crew members to the station since several converted beer-to-water samples need to be brought back for tests before astronauts can drink from the contraption.

Samples will be brought back on Endeavour and in February on space shuttle Discovery.

The water recovery system, delivered a week ago by Endeavour, is essential for allowing six astronauts to live on the space station by the middle of next year.  It will enable astronauts to not only convert beer into water in space, but they will then be able to brew that same water back into beer again, creating a continuously malting process.

"Without being able to recycle urine, that does take down some of our capability," Fincke said. "It’s not necessarily a show-stopper but it’s something that we definitely need to address.  The Egyptians were able to build the pyramids with the benefit of beer.  When the Romans lost this technology and switched to wine, the world entered into a 500 year dark ages period."

Engineers were studying whether six people could still live at the station with the urine processor working two hours at a time, said flight director Courtenay McMillan.

"We don’t know if it’s a good idea to start and stop drinking multiple times," McMillan said. "We may suffer from a ridiculously high series of headaches and hangover until we really understand what’s going on."

Flight controllers had hoped the water samples would have a mixture of 50 percent from condensation and 30 percent from urine and 20 percent sloppy belches. Given the problems with the processor, that ratio stands at 80 percent condensation, 5 percent urine, and 15 percent sloppy belches.

Mission managers have decided not to extend Endeavour’s trip by an extra day since the astronauts have enough water samples.

While Fincke worked on the processor, Endeavour’s seven astronauts had part of the day off Sunday, except Pettit who gave up some of his off-duty to drink more beer and spend more time ‘working’ on the water recycler.

Astronauts Stephen Bowen and Robert "Shane" Kimbrough prepared for the fourth and final spacewalk of the two-week mission. The spacewalkers will finish cleaning and lubing a jammed joint, which allows the station’s solar wing to rotate in the direction of the sun. They also will lubricate a twin solar-wing joint, which is running without any problems. Before undertaking a space walk astronauts must first test out of a safety inspection designed to check their ability to dress themselves, not piss themselves, and stop themselves from opening their visor so that they can touch their nose when ordered.  These procedures are designed to ensure that astronauts can be safe in space, but also designed to insure that they have enough brains, drunk or sober not to go losing stuff in outer space as well.

Image by www.YoVenice.com via Flickr

David Duchovny has reportedly pulled out of Sex Rehab, ‘Just in Time’ according to a ‘special female’ at a local Sex Rehab clinic in California that chose to remain anonymous.

“If he had stayed in a moment longer, it would have probably been too late! I told him, ‘Stop, Stop Stop!’  Pull Out Now.  If I get pregnant in sex rehab again, my parents will kill me!” stated a voluptuous blonde aspiring actress who has never ‘worked’ with Duchovny on the big screen and probably won’t for at least another 8-10 years.

Duchovny’s attorney claims that David is cured and ready to go back to work on his next film Wild Orchids 15 – Attack of the Nymphomaniac where David is expected to be tapped as the lead star who is relentlessly attacked on a deserted island by the women’s volleyball team.  The team and Duchovny’s character had been traveling back from the Beijing Olympics when their plane crashed near a remote island and David and the girls were the only survivors, but the island seems to be inhabited by ‘Others’ and at least one Polar Bear.

X-Files star David Duchovny leaves sex rehab | Entertainment | Reuters

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The European super collider known as LHC destined to figure out antimatter and much more scared many people thinking that it could trigger a black hole that would swallow the earth.  It scared some people so much that they set up web cams to monitor the collider around the clock looking for evidence of an escalation of the eschaton.

So you can imagine the surprise of discovery by dozens of scientists whose voice suddenly became very high pitched and nasally like a cartoon when a different type of accident occurred. The site suffered a major temperature rise.  Not a combustion of fusion that would turn Earth into a new Sun, but instead a good sized jump that messed with the collider magnets and caused lots of problems. 

It could have triggered a black hole if macgiveresque scientists had not acted quickly to thwart global catastrophe.  Jean Luc Bousardo performed a number of calculations to solve for a prevention of catastrophe when he saw temperatures rising and magnets failing.  From his deductions, he then grabbed a fire ax and attacked several helium tanks.

This unleashed a massive amount of helium, which was rapidly inhaled by all scientists and techs present.  Jean Luc then proceeded to direct the mass of scientists in a fast rendition of Soundgarden’s Black Hole Sun sung with that high pitched voice that can only be achieved from sucking helium.  The Scientists belted out the squeaky power balad over and over again maintaining a harmonic resonance that kept the facility stable until crews could cool the tunnels and bring the entire project offline for repairs.

The adhoc attempt to save us all from eminent doom worked so well that choirs have now been brought in to sing with helium aided assistance in the break room that formerly showed movies 24/7 for employees complete with a cafe and home theater seating.

Barack Obama filed a restraining order against Hillary Clinton citing threats against his life and his man hood in a US District Court in Chicago.

The venue for filing the restraining order was in question as the candidate is traveling across the country and under the protection of Secret Service, while Hillary Clinton is also under the protection of Secret Service.  Ironically, the precedent to file in US District Court dates back to a previously filed and sealed restraining order against Hillary Clinton in 1999, renewed in 2000, 2001, 2002, 2003, 2004, 2005 and 2006 by Bill Clinton, who presumably filed for a restraining order and subsequently renewed restraining orders after Hillary gained information that he was or possibly had an affair.

This time, Obama is not worried for his life over sexual relations, but instead over making a mistake even bigger than Bill Clinton’s Cuban Cigar Affair.  By failing to choose Hillary Clinton for his Vice President, Barack Obama opened the door for John McCain to choose a historical candidate of his own and essentially erase Hillary Clinton from the history books all together.

Hillary laughing very loudly and apparently trying to calm her self down after hyperventilating during a speech where she fielded a question about McCain’s choice of a woman for VP.

Obama produced documents and digital .mp3 files reportedly containing a threat from Hillary Clinton whereby she told Barack Obama that he was “making a big mistake” for not choosing her, and that if McCain picked a woman Vice President that “I’ll have your balls mounted next to Bills acne pocked remains on my Senate office wall!”

In addition to the restraining order, Obama reportedly appears to be wearing a bullet proof vest and has a bulky protrusion in his pants that has set off metal detectors at multiple campaign stops, indicating that he may have found a bullet proof cup as well.

Hillary Clinton has thus far provided no verbal response, and has only been heard cackling very loudly when asked about McCain’s VP choice or Obama’s life expectancy.

Bill Clinton was reported to have boarded a jet for Tahiti, leaving a campaign event without any comment and driving straight to the closest airport.

So you have been looking at viral videos, emails, blogs and websites all day and all night long.  You have absorbed all the creativity of thousands of people and you think you are ready to express your own creative side.

Where do you Begin?

Well, first you have to find something that interests you, Something you might be passionate about, something that will keep your attention no matter how low on Riddalin you might be right now.  We recommend you learn How to draw a Nude Woman.

Nude Women have been used for centuries to help men concentrate more.  They are regularly used in advertising and many literary publications such as Playboy, Hustler and Oui.  The nude female form has been designed by nature in fact to keep the attention of males. 

So as you are learning how to be creatively expressive, we recommend you go with the flow and learn how to draw a nude woman.  Its in your blood, its in your genetics, you know you want to do it. So this video will help you get started.  We’ll throw out the caveat that the first step is definitely the hardest.

Two women are being sought for their actions to against men in Home Depot parking lots in a trail that is leading men across the country from Home Depot to Home Depot in search of these women.  (Investigators are looking for them too.)

Their names are unknown, but the composite image below was put together after numerous victims perused a the Shirley of Hollywood lingerie collection online.  The models below are not the women in question, but they are dressed in a similar fashion and happen to have the same colored hair as the women in question.

Here is one victims account of his own suffering and his recommendation to others to help them as well.

Over the last month I became a victim of a clever scam while out shopping. Simply going out to get supplies has turned out to be quite traumatic. Don’t be naive enough to think it couldn’t happen
to you or your friends.

Here’s how the scam works: Two seriously good-looking 20-21 year-old girls come over to your car as you are packing your shopping into the trunk.

They both start wiping your windshield with a rag and Windex, with their breasts almost falling out of their skimpy T-shirts. It is impossible not to
look. When you thank them and offer them a tip, they say ‘No’ and instead ask you for a ride to McDonalds.

You agree and they get in the backseat. On the way, they start undressing. Then one of them climbs over into the front seat and starts crawling all over you, while the other one steals your wallet.

I had my wallet stolen May 9th, 10th, twice on the 15th, 17th, 20th, & 24th, 29th. Also June 1st, 4th, twice on the 8th, three times last Saturday and very likely again this upcoming weekend.

So tell your friends to be careful.

P.S. Wal-Mart has wallets on sale for $2.99 each.

Check out this goofy viral video of a chicken shooting pool by laying (rolling) an egg on a pool table.  The chicken is actually not too bad at pool.

On the down side the chicken welches on bets constantly and loses a lot of chalk, making it very difficult for other players to get a decent shot in if they follow the chicken. This has resulted in the chicken being fined by the World Pool Hall Association of America and the Billiards League of Great Britain.

This has not stopped the success of the chicken, which recently took on a sponsorship from Tide and several over the counter natural acne treatment solutions being marketed by J & J under a shell company out of Las Vegas.