Assing Around Topics & Videos

Here is a cute little gift that you might just be able to afford with your rebate this year if the value of the dollar does not drop further.

But if the dollar keeps dropping, you will be lucky to view this image from your own broadband connection.

The IRS Pencil Sharpener

I’m from the IRS and I am here to help!

This is an image and caption from a recent viral email that I have received.  My own personal experience with IRS professionals has been very positive.  The IRS bureaucracy is definitely very problematic, but the people that keep that monster running are smart and talented.  Hopefully they get a laugh here from time to time to get through the day. 

A happy IRS agent has got to be good for everyone!

Fartman is definitely a disturbed guy. People often times blame YouTube for the disintegration of media and television, but this old footage predates YouTube by at least 5-10 years, proving that we were on a downward spiral long before YouTube. Thanks for that Fartman.

This guy even blows birthday candles out with a fart.

I wonder why it is that videos like this stay online, while other stupid videos get taken off. If any video should be blown away, it should probably be this one.

Kyra, filling in for Mr. Fab over at Pointless Drivel recently put the question to readers, are you addicted to underwear and what type of underwear do you like.  It seems that Kyra is a pantyholic or something.

Kyra writes, I’m addicted to underwear and, no… I’m not joking. I have a horrible urge to buy underwear pretty much all the time. If I’m in Target buying diapers or Scotch Tape I simply have to veer right and make a stop in the panty section where I will pick out about 80 pair at a time and buy them. I can’t help it.

So if you read the rest of Kyra’s article and the brazillion comments afterwards, you will realize that Kyra really likes panties (not thongs), and she’s not alone. 

Go figure

Well, I think as a counter point we should ask a question on the flip side.  What type of underwear is your least favorite or is something that you just can’t wear.

For example, I hate wearing Cock Socks!

Sure they are fun almost like a Chinese finger puzzle trap thing (stick fingers in from both ends and try and pull the suckers out.

You can do all sorts of neat tricks with cock socks almost like a yoyo and with similar names.

You can twirl it around the world, walk the dog, do a dirty sanchez, etc.

But the thing is that they don’t give you a lot of support and can increase chaffing.

Plus, when you are at work and have a cock sock, its very annoying hitting the urinal.  You have to go into the can, unzip your pants, pull your cock out, then pull off the damn cock sock.

Now if you really have to pee piss(more manly sounding), that can be a problem, because sometimes as soon as its free its going!

Don’t even get me started with putting the cock sock back on while in the restroom.  No guy wants to break urinal etiquette possible exception for Larry Craig, but you’ve just taken a leak, your possibly in a line with a couple other guys standing next to you at the urinal, and now . . .

and now, you have to pump things up a bit if you know what I mean so that you can get your cock sock back on!

I mean how awkward is that!

Oh don’t mind me, I’m just pumping my chicken to get my cock sock back on.

That shit just doesn’t fly at work.

Cock socks are also tough if you are on a road trip.  First while you are traveling the damn thing naturally starts to inch its way down your pant leg, but with a cock sick the tip can get caught in the folds of your jeans a bit.
Before you know it your shifting or hitting the break and your pants shift and hell all of a sudden your getting pinched and pulled when you should be keeping your eyes on the road and hands on the wheel.

That goes double if you are a school bus driver!

Now the real problem comes up when you stop at a rest station. 

You might get away with pumping yourself up a bit at work to get your cock sock back on.  Those ass holes already know how much of a freak you are after all, and most of them are 10 times worse!

But you go into a truck stop or rest area to let loose with 44 ounces of big gulp in a urinal that hasn’t been flushed since 1942 somewhere this side of Bad Ass, Texas and the first problem you have is keeping your Johnson from falling out into the putrid mess in the urinal.  But hell hath no fury like a truck driver named Honcho Geronimo Smith that ways 289, stands 6 foot 2 inches and glances over at you to see you pumping yourself up a bit with one hand while holding your cock sock in your teeth!

That shit’s either going to get you killed on the spot or gang raped over a toilet that makes the urinal look like a tidy bowl commercial.

This might be your last chance to get off the Red Eye Flight from Hell, but its going to cost you!

Presidential Long shot Mike Huckabee surprised a San Francisco audience today by coming out and declaring himself a homosexual in San Francisco.

“I have had this feeling ever since I can remember.  I was born this way and I am not going to hide it any longer.  I would also like to challenge my other Republican competitors to come clean and admit their homosexuality as well.  I’m pretty sure about John McCain, but I can attest that Mitt Romney and I have had an on again mostly off again love affair for over a decade.  They call him the Mitt due to his uncanny ability to provide a fantastic reach around.”

Mike Huckabee’s speech stunned his audience and his campaign staff with the exception of one young male staffer, who cried out, “Wooohooo!  I love you Hucky, I just love you to pieces.”

Mike Huckabee joins a long long list of both Conservative Republicans and Conservative Preachers who have come forward to admit their homosexuality.  It is surprising and inspiring that Huckabee would choose to come out in San Francisco and while campaigning for President. He later stated,

“I know where my base is.  I know who my base is.  The Republican Party has a fabulous base of great big homos like myself, and we don’t have to stand divided in the ranks any more.”

After closing off his comments, Huckabee then led reporters out of the hotel conference room and down the block where he entered a San Francisco bath house, pointed at an hulking bear of a man and ushered him upstairs with a nod.  He came back down about 45 minutes later looking refreshed and about 5 pounds lighter in the loafers.

Barack Obama just happened to be caught off guard by the press in Los Angeles while watching a news report of Huckabees speech and trist.  He was audibly overheard remarking,

“I always new that Mitt was a well put together man, but I would have never seen this coming . . . Hey, Hey that’s Jeremy Toobins!”  He then looked around and left the vicinity immediately.

Reporters later learned that the bearish man that Mike Huckabee met in the bathhouse was none other than Jeremy Toobins of Hawaii, a former class mate of Barack Obama at an elite high school on the island.

The eruptions within the Republican party did not end with Huckabee in that bathhouse either.  Pat Buchanan was speaking during an interview when producers shut off his microphone.  He could be heard yelling,

“They are taking over the whole F***$#@  party.  Its started with that F@* George W Bush, and now it has spread throughout the ranks.  I’m gonna fly straight to Georgia and Kick Newt Gingrich right in the nuts.  I’ll bet you a million dollars that he knew about this one too and didn’t  . . .”

Rudy Giuliani is a man without a country.  That is his country does not know him very well.  He has been laboring for years to build up his name recognition in Florida, engaging in many a Boody Shaking contest from one Spring Break hot spot to the next.  He has even managed to build up a reputation with a nickname of Boody or Budy depending on what slang lexicon you subscribe to.

New Yorkers in Florida refer to Rudy as Budy, (pronounced Booo  Deeee), and all other Floridians in down state New York (aka Florida) refer to Rudy as Boody, pronounced Booooh Deeeee.

Rudy has a long history in Florida of letting it all hang out, but it has only been in recent years that he has started Shaking His Boody for Votes.  Possibly as important as his boody shaking efforts to get out the vote, is Budy’s preparation for the most important aspect of the Florida primary . . . Chad Collection.

Rudy the Budy is a smart one.  He has managed to combine his boody shaking efforts with his hanging chad collection work.  He’s been spotted up and down the coast engaging in boody shaking chad collection on some of Florida’s previously most popular beaches.  Above you can see Rudy “the Budy” Giuliani collecting chads on South beach. 

Where is Rudy’s Missing Prince Albert?

  Many Florida pundits think that Rudy may be pandering a bit as he seems to have removed the diamond rings that were incorporated into Rudy’s Prince Albert.  Insiders report that Rudy forced his staff to line up in front of his election tour bus.  He then proceeded to step like a General reviewing the troops in front of each staffer.  The staffers were required to look down at his Prince Albert and give their ‘honest’ opinion on whether or not they believed that a public display of Rudy’s Prince Albert would benefit Giuliani in the Florida primaries. 

It was a close vote, but ultimately the ‘Nays’ won the day, and Rudy’s Prince Albert will not be pulled out unless the election goes south for Rudy.  Yet some people think that Rudy might just display his Prince Albert anyway.

“Let’s face it, we are talking about one of the cockiest Presidential Candidates in our lifetime, possibly next to the big ‘W’”, stated Michael Duhaime a senior Budy Staffer.

Duhaime’s comments allude to the urban legend that George Bush has a package that when viewed in an under the rear like profile creates the illusion of the letter ‘W.’  It would seem that the President has pointy testicles that hang down very far (the lower points on the W) and he has a penis that is virtually invisible. 

Many Ditto heads however, point out that George W has such a large penis that he has to keep it hidden so as to prevent World War III from breaking out.  They claim that GW’s penis would incite so much envy around the world that we would surely be attacked by all countries at the same time. 

When asked where in the world GW might hide this massive staff of power and world wide envy, ditto heads grow silent but leave the questioner with the only possible solution to the problem . . . GW stuffs his own package up his arse to help keep the world safe.  He truly is one of our greatest Presidents.

More on this story at ~ Is Florida Budy Country? « FOXNews.com

The AssClowns at Webster’s Dictionary have once again REJECTED the inclusion of AssHat into their dictionary that contains and ass full of words. 

Origins of AssHat

The word AssHat traces its origins back to the movie City Slickers produced in 1991.

[Ed Furillo accuses Mitch Robbins of flirting with Bonnie Rayburn]

Mitch Robbins: That was “Have a pleasant and restful evening.”

Ed Furillo: No, that was “I like your ass. Can I wear it as a hat?”

Hence, asshat…

A lobby of Fark enthusiast’s has actively lobbied the Webster’s AssClowns since shortly after the etymology was reported there in 2002.  The word AssHat has been defined by the Urban Dictionary for some time as those smart asses never miss a beat. 

Definition of AssHat

Second Most Popular (Butt the most accurate definition of AssHat)

A general term for someone who carries out actions with such stupidity that they might as well wear their ass as a hat.

Pete begins looking for his sunglasses, unknowing to the fact that they are on his head. He asks Ed where his glasses are. Ed takes them off his head saying, “You are such a fucking ass-hat.”

  ~Urban Dictionary

Recto-Cranial Inversion Tangentially Relates to AssHat

Unfortunately, the Webster’s AssClowns suffer from Recto-Cranial Inversion Syndrome (R-CIS), which is not to be confused with RectAL-Cranial Inversion Syndrome and coincidentally is often an alternate definition of the word AssHat.

1. Recto-Cranial Inversion Syndrome is the condition of having your head up your ass.
2. Rectal-Cranial Inversion Syndrome is the condition of having your head stuck in your ass.

The first condition inflicts side effects that include the impairment of being able to see or understand anything because of the obvious (your head is up in your ass).    This condition can be corrected by wearing the appropriate posture correction, orthotic bustiers.

The second condition inflicts the side effects that people can barely tell your head from your ass as the head and the ass appear to be fused together.  This condition is very typical of people characterized as tight asses or buttheads. 

This is also not the same thing as getting your head stuck in someone else’s ass.

Petition to Include AssHat in Webster’s Dictionary Starts with Pooh

So it would appear the Referendum to Include AssHats in the dictionary will have to wipe their asshat slate clean and start over again working to get the Websters Assholes off their asses and get this joyous word included properly in the English lexicon.  We would like to encourage this effort and call upon our readers to please consider signing the petition to sponsor the inclusion of the word ‘AssHat’. 

To submit your petition, simply sign your name, address, and phone number on the next wad of toilet paper that you insert into your toilet and eventually Websters will get the message by the assload.

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