Yes Man may have been one of Jim Carrey’s best movies, but the decision to come back for a second round with ‘No Man’ almost proved fatal for the comedic genius who reportedly toppled off the back of a scooter while wearing a dog suit.  Carrey was filming his first gay bestiality scene as the movie served up one impossible situation after the next in which his character should have said No Man!

The US government unveiled a new economic stimulus incentive for unemployed American workers this week.  The Obama administration wants the unemployed to go to fight for the Taliban in Afghanistan.

Secretary Gibbs, “We just don’t have any money left (here) in the US to extend unemployed benefits, but we have this great program in Afghanistan paying Taliban fighters to stop fighting.”  The secretary was speaking to a room full of no reporters or other living people Thursday evening.  “We just need to make lemonade out of lemons.  Shipping the unemployed to Afghanistan would decrease our unemployment numbers here in the US, thus convincing investors that the economy is improving and that it is safe to invest in America again (hint hint China how about a loan?).”

He went on to state, “Once they get over to Afghanistan and pick up arms against our own troops, our negotiators on the ground can throw piles of cash at them and convince them to stop fighting.”

Gibbs apparently conceived this remarkable policy all by himself after reading about Jihad Jane here in the US.  “Essentially, you have this unemployed woman, just looking for a job and instead she finds Islam and decides to fight Americans on American soil.   That’s just bad all the way around.  We need to export home grown terrorists to the states that do sponsor terrorism, like Afghanistan, Iran, Indonesia, Iraq and Luxembourg.”

Later when President Obama was asked if Gibbs spoke for the administration on this ground breaking policy shift, the President stated, “Right now, I’m dropping everything else to focus on health insurance reform.  If folks choose to ship out to Afghanistan, well that’s just fewer people we have to cover with universal health care here at home.  Most people don’t realize it, but the Taliban already offer universal health care.  I saw it first hand during my trips to Pakistan in my youth.  The Taliban screw up a lot of things, but they know health care!”

Do You Have the Right Stuff to Fight for the Taliban Against America?

Here’s a quick quiz to figure out if you might have what it takes to fight for the Taliban and receive US money for your efforts

1. Are you male or female?  (if you answered female, please stop taking this quiz and put on a burka, just who the hell taught you to read and write in the first place?  They should be stoned to death.)
2. Are you unemployed?
3. Are you pissed at the US government for being unemployed?
4. Can you take or leave Christianity?
5. Would you like to have a harem of women?  How about lots of virgins?
6. Do you like the mountains?
7. Would you like to travel to the country that Hitler felt started the Aryan race?  (You may be over qualified, but the US government may pay you anyway)
8. Do Liberals in the US think you are an asshole?  How about Libertarians?
9. Have you ever dropped out of a christian college?
10. Do you know anything about nuclear fission, explosives, chemical weapons?  (You may be eligible for rapid advancement and larger payoffs!)

Please note, that the Taliban will provide you training, both mental, spiritual and physical.  By the end of your physical training, you should be able to hump a SAM system over a mountain without being spotted, and go hand over hand on monkey bars for a series of up to 12 bars.  Clothing will be provided.

You will be required to fill out a direct deposit form with the US government before you can stop fighting for the Taliban and according to the Hatch Act you will not be able to use any funds provided by the US government to lobby or politicize your fellow American Taliban fighters for or against any US party or system, but you can use that money to bribe and payoff any local Afghany official that you like.  (We encourage you to spread your money around as a little goes a long way and most Afghanistan officials only stay paid off for a few minutes at a time.

Have you ever asked your child a question too many times?

My three-year-old son had a lot of problems with potty training and I was on him constantly. One day we stopped at Taco Bell for a quick lunch in between errands. It was very busy, with a full dining room.

While enjoying my taco, I smelled something funny, so of course I checked my seven-month-old daughter, and she was clean. Then I realized that Danny had not asked to go potty in a while, so I asked him if he needed to go, and he said "No." I kept thinking, "Oh Lord, that child has had an accident, and I don’t have any clothes with me."

Then I said, "Danny, are you SURE you didn’t have an accident?"

"No," he replied.

I just KNEW that he must have had an accident, because the smell was getting worse. Soooooo! I asked one more time, "Danny, did you have an accident?"

This time he jumped up, yanked down his pants, bent over and spread his cheeks and yelled, "SEE MOM, IT’S JUST FARTS!!"

While 30 people nearly choked to death on their tacos laughing, he calmly pulled up his pants and sat down. An old couple made me feel better by thanking me for the best laugh they’d ever had!

PONTE VEDRA BEACH, Fla.—Officials for the PGA publicly apologized to Tiger Woods today for thwarting sex addiction Friday, but the star golfer left unclear when or if he would return to the sport.

In his first public appearance since the November car accident that touched off the scandal, Mr. Woods defiantly denied rumors that his wife might have hit him out of anger or during their own private role playing fantasies.  He implored the media to leave his family alone.

Meanwhile, PGA officials acknowledged that they have been receiving in-patient therapy for their issues and talking with Greek Finance minister hoping to seek financial counseling advice to help them recover from the tsunami of losses racking up now that they have pushed out their primary source of income, Tiger Woods.

"We have a lot to atone for," stated PGA Tour Commissioner Tim Finchen. 

“If there is anything we can do to bring Tiger back to the sport of golf faster, we will.  Need stripper caddies, no problem.  Lap dances in golf carts, no problem.  Ménage à trois brunch events, we’re all over that.  The PGA is going to sex up our act to foster a more Tiger conducive environment where not only Tiger but any sexual deviant, pervert, whack job, flasher etc that can bring in advertisers and money like Tiger can is free to express themselves and rub one out with or without help as they like.”

Wearing a black sport coat and open collar—and often staring straight into the camera—Mr. Woods expressed his appreciation for the sentiments of the commissioner and other PGA Tour officials as they stood behind a podium at the TPC Sawgrass golf course where the PGA Tour is headquartered speaking in front of a group of some 40 people, including friends, associates his mother and a bevy of professional women that flew in from Las Vegas just for the public apology event.

"I do plan to return to golf one day," Mr. Woods said. "I just don’t know when that day will be. I don’t rule out that it will be this year. When I return, I need to make clear that my behavior and actions performed in private will be my business and my business alone, but if I text you for help while I’m lying in a ditch after my wife has beat me over the head with a golf club while running me down in the family car, call an ambulance, please."

Mr. Finchen concluded the tightly scripted event by saying, "Tiger, I ask you to find room in your heart to one day believe in us again." He then hugged Tiger while giving him a hand job in front of the national press.

TIGER WOODS – golfer, Just Do Me by orlandocougarclub
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TIGER WOODS – I was in a FOURSOME with TIGER by orlandocougarclub
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TIGER WOODS, golfer, JUST DO ME by orlandocougarclub
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In an effort to reduce costs at Viral Grape Vine we are only writing the headline for this article.  We ask that our readers kindly use their imagination to fill in the gaps of what will likely be a real story any day now. 

For the more daring readers, feel free to share your imaginative productions in our comments section below.

Pauli Zannfield thought that modeling as a t-shirt model might help him earn some extra cash while attending Tantaoui Sector University.

According to friends and family, one thing led to another and before long he was modeling t-shirts with a rebel propaganda slant. Late one night last fall, Storm Troopers broke down the door of his dormitory room and dragged him away to be dealt with by a Force Administrator.

Shortly there after class mates found his remains blown apart in a stunning explosion, designed to make an example.

Don’t let this happen to your college student, room mate, sibling, or robot building slave boy.

This message brought to you by the Emperor.

In a move that experts believe will catch on around the country, many drivers in New York are attempting to ‘lane pool’ in order to reduce the cost of tolls.  A Lane pooler essentially shares the same exact lane space with another car.  Instead of 2 cars driving in single file in the same lane, they drive side by side, thus reducing linear congestion.

Drivers that wish to benefit from lane pooling may need to have their cars slightly modified in one of the newly provided lane pooling modification centers.  During lane pooling modification, two cars are analyzed very carefully by experts to determine if they will be able to fit side by side within a standard sized toll road.

If the cars are slightly too wide, their vehicles can be right sized for lane pooling for a nominal extra fee of $200 which will generally pay for itself for drivers that would take more than 10 trips on any given toll road in the the New York area next year. 

New Jersey is also considering lane pooling options for its state.  As more New York lane poolers start to travel to New Jersey, they sometimes attempt to continue lane pooling across the state border.

Unfortunately, they currently still have to pay the old 2 car rate.  That may change as the state takes up new legislation that would both allow a non-driver in a vehicle to pump gas for that vehicle at gas stations, and a new tax credit for a air filters that can be installed on bumpers.  These air filters are similar in design to deer whistles that frighten away deer on the side of the road, but in this case the filters, filter CO2 emissions.

Insiders are reporting that Marge Simpson’s Playboy cover and pullout centerfold also features an interview of the Blue Haired bombshell.  In that interview Marge reportedly discusses her recent months at the Playboy bunny ranch and her skype phone counseling sessions with the Octomom. 

Octomom reportedly had a short term fling with former child star Bart Simpson this summer, something many close friends described as payback against her ex husband.  Marge got involved to make sure that her son was not ‘emotionally injured in the crossfire’ but later became close with Kate.

Now, in the interview in Playboy, Marge seems to be extending an olive branch to Kate to reconsider posing in the world’s most famous gentlemen’s magazine.

Separately, the Simpson camp is fighting off a bit of a scandal as pictures of Marge receiving a Brazilian wax job in preparation for her centerfold have been leaked to the internet.  Her people were quick to point out that the images were probably doctored as “Mrs. Simpson is a cartoon character and with the exception of her Blue Doo, doesn’t have much body hair to speak of…”

 Homer Simpson reportedly recently purchased a digital camera and a Mac with Photoshop.

The South Carolina Governor that got lost on the Appalachian trail angling for some Argentinian Tail may have his sights set in a NEW direction this month.  Sources close to the Governor’s SMS texting account believe that he may be carrying on a textual affair with a former member of the Latin American Boy Band Menudo! 

He is a Republican ya know and those Republican Politicians, they luv them some forbidden fruits.

Governor Sanford’s publicist will not confirm whether or not Sanford will appear on the new Fox Reality show, “Dancing with the Whores”, but she would say that Sanford has had a little more tango experience recently.

South Carolina Governor Mark Sanford just wants everyone to know that he is Michael Jackson’s biggest fan. 

“Next to Farrah Fawcett, Ed McMahon, the Iranian People and those crazy North Korean bastards, there is no one I love more right now than Michael Jackson . . ., . .  I mean my wife and family and then Michael Jackson, those crazy North Korean bastards, the Iranian People, Farrah Fawcett and Ed McMahon.” the governor reportedly stated as observed by a blind, deaf and dumb witness in the Governor’s office.

Next to Sony Records, Governor Mark Sanford probably has the most to gain from the media super blitz that is still ramping up even as this is typed.

Ben Bernanke and Wall Street are both happy campers too.  PR consultants around the world are scrambling to have their clients come forward with any and all bad news right now at this point in history where everything else is going to be ignored until after the 4th of July.

Separately, Osama Bin Laden is furious, still.