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A couple of weeks ago a friend told me that someone she knew had their car broken into while they were at a football game. The break in of the car was not initially discovered.  The woman had been sitting in the stadium at the game hoping for her son to get a chance to play. 

The son was second string on special teams.  Many bystanders sitting around the woman claimed that she started acting peculiar towards the end of the 1st quarter.  She started shouting and moaning which was not unusual at a football game, but then she started using the lords name in vain and inserting both blasphemies and expletives. 

Just as a parent was making her way to notify security of the woman’s inappropriate behavior, the woman fell backwards in the stands at first shrieking and moaning and then clutching at her chest.

She was rushed to a local hospital where she was treated for a heart attack.  She was a well known distance runner in the area and had arranged many 5k and 10k events.  She had never been know to have either a heart problem nor issues with her public behavior. 

Her teenaged son rode in the ambulance to the hospital with her.  He phoned his father, her husband, by cell phone and the father met them at the hospital just a few minutes after they arrived.  The father had worked late and had just left for the game, hoping to catch the second half.

Doctors were able to revive her and kept her over night under a strong sedative. 

It wasn’t until the next morning that the father returned home with the son to clean up and get a few things from home.  Upon arriving at home they were shocked to find that their house had been ransacked and a great deal of their valuables had been stolen. 

Investigators were later able to determine many of the events that had happened the night before that led both to the burglary and the woman’s heart attack.  She had parked her Prius on the green which was adjacent to the football stadium and specially allotted to football fans. Things stolen from the car included 2 garage door remote controls, some money and a GPS which had been prominently mounted on the dashboard.

The thieves had used the GPS to guide them to the house. They then attempted to use the garage door opener to enter the garage.  However, when they pushed the first button, the door did not open, but they could hear a woman moaning through a speaker on the back of the garage door opener.  They pushed the other button on the garage door opener and the woman’s moans turned to shrieks. 

Apparently, this surprise result did not deter the thieves from their business.  They then used the other garage remote control to open the garage door and gain entry to the house. The thieves knew the owners were at the football game, they knew what time the game was scheduled to finish and so they knew how much time they had to clean out the house. They even brought a truck to empty the house of its contents.  The truck left large tire tracks near the edge of the drive way curb.

Apparently the crooks continued to press the first garage door opener over and over again during the robbery.  It was suspected and later confirmed when one of the crooks was caught and questioned, that they had pressed the remote at first out of curiosity and maybe humor thinking the device was just a type of prank device that made lude noises.  However, they eventually realized that they could also hear the cheers and loud speaker of a football game going on in the background.  They then found the flat panel HD TV in the bedroom.  They pressed play and were treated to a intimate video created by the couple, who apparently utilized remote control sexual stimulation systems with built in auditory feedback. 

Once the crooks learned this, they each took turns pressing and playing with the device while their fellow criminals finished loading up the truck.  They figured that as long as they could keep the woman ‘occupied’ she would not be able to call the authorities or her husband and learn that he had not been the one to arouse her at the game.

When they heard the woman shriek her last scream, they at first gave each other high fives, but when they heard the voices of the crowd calling for an ambulance and a doctor, they panicked and left the home abruptly.

Police were able to track down the crooks using a GPS device located in a box mixed in with the stolen loot.  The husband’s own vibrator was an even fancier model that literally enabled his wife to track his location via GPS while she was able to manipulate him sexually from a distance. 

Police used this GPS to track down the criminals and capture several of the crooks at an undisclosed warehouse.  The crooks were charged not only with burglary, grand larceny, breaking and entering but also assault and kidnapping.  Prosecutors tried to make the case that by keeping the woman under constant stimulation they had held her hostage, while they stole the families possessions.

Post Script I received this in the form of a viral email and have not yet been able to confirm its accuracy, but you can bet your sweet ass that I’m not going to be wired up the next time I go to a football game!

The following is a quote from WhiteHouse.gov’s original blog post that went live at 12:01 pm est Jan 20, 2009, 5 minutes before Barack Obama was sworn in as the 44th President.  This post was later corrected but this was live for about 5-6 minutes.  We were fast enough to snap it!

Change has come to WhiteHouse.gov

Welcome to the new WhiteHouse.gov. I’m Macon Phillips, the Senior Premier Director of Advanced New Social Media for the White House and one of the legions of people who will be contributing to this blog, which will be monetized by sponsors’ contributions.

A short time ago, Barack Obama was sworn in as the 44th president of the United States, technically the 45th as Joe Biden was the 44th President for 6 minutes due to a delay in the program, and his new administration officially came to life. One of the first changes is the White House’s new website, which will serve as a place for the President and his administration to connect with the rest of the nation and the world through blogs, Facebook, twitter, Utterli and HaPorn.

Millions of Americans and a shit pile of cash from big donors have powered President Obama’s journey to the White House, many taking advantage of internet gambling to play a role in shaping our country’s future by doubling down on their donations and increasing our take through savvy betting and online gambling tools that are typically illegal. WhiteHouse.gov is just the beginning of the new administration’s efforts to expand and deepen this online gaming engagement.

Just like your new government, WhiteHouse.gov and the rest of the Administration’s online programs will put citizens first right after donors and hot chicks (lesbian or straight). Our initial new media efforts will center around three priorities:

Communication — Americans are eager for information about the state of the economy, national security, American Idol and a host of other issues. This site will feature timely and in-depth content meant to keep everyone up-to-date and educated. We will hire 200,000 bloggers to help with this effort and pay them with revenue earned from Google Adsense revenue and sponsored articles featuring endorsements by Barack Obama.  Check out the briefing room, keep tabs on the blog (RSS feed) and take a moment to sign up for e-mail updates from the President and his administration so you can be sure to know about major announcements,  decisions, scandals and calls for Martial Law (Heads up don’t book any flights on March 1, 2009.  We’ll probably run a Martial Law test run that night just to see if we can get away with it!).
Transparency – President Obama has committed to making his administration the most open and transparent in history, and WhiteHouse.gov will play a major role in delivering on that promise. Live Web Cams and microphones will be placed throughout the White House including the Oval Office and the First Bedroom, but not the kids rooms because even though we believe in America’s potential we know some of you are really sick bastards.  The President’s executive orders and proclamations will be published for everyone to review, and that’s just the beginning of our efforts to provide a window for all Americans into the business of the government. You can also learn about some of the senior leadership in the new administration and about the President’s policy priorities.

Participation — President Obama started his career as a community organizer on the South Side of Chicago in case you hadn’t heard.  After he sobered up, got off the coke and became interested in women again, he saw firsthand what people can do when they come together for a common cause. Citizen participation will be a priority for the Administration, and the internet will play an important role in that since everyone will essentially be under house arrest in 3 months. One significant addition to WhiteHouse.gov reflects a campaign promise from the President: we will publish all non-emergency legislation to the website for five days, and allow the public to review and comment before the President signs it. Emergency legislation will be kept under Top Secret seal.

We’d also like to hear from you — what sort of things would you find valuable from WhiteHouse.gov? If you have an idea, use this form to let us know. Like the transition website and the campaign’s before that, this online community will continue to be a work in progress as we develop new features and content for you. So thanks in advance for your patience and for your feedback. We will offer up a linkback to the first 2,000 comments in a follow up blog post.

Later today, we’ll put up the video and the full text of President Obama’s Inaugural Address. There will also be slideshows of the Inaugural events, the Obamas’ move into the White House, and President Obama’s first days in office.  All of these items will be available as a HD download, DVD purchase or ebook for a fee of $49.95.

EOP – Blog Post – Change has come to WhiteHouse.gov

Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger reportedly has lawyers on Capital Hill pushing the Obama citizenship case forward towards a precedent setting change in the Constitution.  Unlike right wing Republicans, Schwarzenegger wants Obama to ultimately be victorious in front of the Supreme Court if they should choose to hear a case questioning whether or not Barack Obama can be sworn in even though he may have been technically born in Kenya before being certified as a citizen in Hawaii.

The Gubbernator sees common cause (temporarily) with those that would keep Obama from taking office, hoping that the question of fact in Obama’s birth will be admitted and that he will be allowed to be sworn in anyway.

That would create the legal precedent allowing a person not Natural Born in America to run for President.  Arnold Schwarzenegger wants to be that next President and with Palin and Huckabee currently polling in the lead for the Republican nomination, Arnold could knock them out like an extra pointing a gun at him in a cheap action thriller.

So the question is, what exactly are Arnold’s lawyers doing in Washington????

Well, that’s where things get interesting.  Apparently, they are seeking out a key witness in the Obama case.  There are two issues at play.  One is a question of fact, was Obama born in Kenya.  The other is a question of Constitutional crisis.  Can a person born in Kenya and elected by the electoral college serve as President or will he have to relinquish the job to Joseph Biden.

It would appear that there is only one person that can answer the first question.  The Doctor that presided over the birth herself.  Dr. Sarah C. Wiggenstein is the person that everyone is searching for.  Apparently Dr. Wiggenstein retired from medical practice 6 years ago and moved to the Cayman islands after her husband Ruford Wiggenstein passed away.

Attorneys have been working with Sarah’s only surviving son, John J. C. Wiggenstein to track down the retiree, who apparently has been out of contact with everyone these last 4 years since her move.

John Wiggenstein is a former commando who served in the Special Forces in Somalia in 1993.  Its ironic that Arnold Schwarzenegger’s Presidential chances might rely on a real life commando, who was also awarded the Bronze Star for his work helping to rescue Rangers pinned down in Mogadishu.

Possibly even more ironic, John’s grandfather, Gerald Connors, was one of the original judges in the first Mr. Universe pageant in 1948.  So it remains to be seen whether or not, Sarah C. Wiggenstein will come forth to testify in this matter or not.

Her son John, and the rest of the world will stand by and wait to see if Barack Obama might have to face off against Arnold in 2012.

The Geico Gecko (lizard) of commercial auto insurance fame has passed away. Apparently, a fellow actor became violently distraught over being upstaged by the green lizard and attacked. 

Many on-lookers initially didn’t recognize the attack for what it was.  This all took place during a scene where the Geico Lizard was supposed to be picked up by the scruff (skin) of his neck in a fashion common for kittens and puppies.

Filming for the first scenes or commercial episodes featuring the lizard looking for motherly love in all the wrong places went just fine with an actual dog and an actual trained cat.  Unfortunately, a hawk with a bit of a temper and a beak to grind against Geico relating to a hit and run windshield incident, ended in disaster for the lizard and a meager meal for the bird,when the bird, promptly snapped the neck of the famous lizard with the annoying accent.

Geico Lizard

Born: 1999

Died: December 3, 2008

The GEICO Gecko leaves behind a wife, 4 kids, and 43 tails of various lengths.

News Source: Some viral email that a friend sent me.  I believe it is true, but I could be mistaken. He normally sends me funny pornographic images.

UPDATE

It has come to our attention that the death of the GEICO Gecko is indeed inaccurate as we guessed above.  Apparently, this is not the first time that reports of the death of the Gecko from GEICO have been exagerated.  Below is a news report from 2006, accusing the AFLAC Duck of shooting the Gecko Geico.

For the record the AFLAC duck was cleared of the shooting (which was not fatal for the Gecko Geico but did remove his 38th tail as a casualty).  The AFLAC duck was cleared as he does not have an opposable thumb, which is necessary to pull the trigger on a gun.

This article has been adapted to fit your sense of humor.

HOUSTON (VGV) — Astronauts tinkled Sunday in a troublesome piece of equipment designed to help convert urine and sweat into drinkable water, which is vital to allowing the international space station crew to double up to a six pack from a three pack of Miller Lite.

Station commander Michael Fincke and space shuttle Endeavour astronaut Donald Pettit changed how an air freshener is mounted in a urine processor, which is part of the newly delivered $154 million beer and water recovery system. The air freshener is a spinning device that helps separate the beer from urine, creates enough electricity to power a blow dryer in space from the spinning of the air freshener, and helps remove the smell of both urine and beer farts from the International Space Station.

It was placed on rubber grommets to reduce vibrations, and Mission Control asked Fincke to remove them and just bolt the piece down (or up its all relative in space) so that they could get on with their televised game of floating Asshole.

"We’re very hopeful for this, and if not, we have a few other pricks we can aim at this problem," Fincke said from the space station after the task was finished.

The astronauts have been trying to get the system running for four days, but the urine processor has worked for just two hours at a time before shutting down. A normal run is about four hours.  This has proven to be very problematic for astronauts trying to get a good buzz going, only to have to stop drinking or hold it for 2 hours when they are already 4 beers in to the game.  If they hold it in the weightless environment of space, they risk not only bladder rupture, but the increased pressure triggers more beer farts.  The air handling units on the ISS is not equipped to keep pace with beer farts at a level produced by a six pack of beer, hence the need for the air freshener.

An initial test after the repair ran for 3 1/2 hours and processed about a case and a half of beer before shutting down Sunday night. Engineers again were trying to figure out a fix.

"It looks like we made things better, but we’re maybe not there yet," Fincke hick-upped to Mission Control.

As a last resort, Endeavour could bring the problematic part back to Earth for repairs when the shuttle departs on Thanksgiving. That option could complicate plans to add crew members to the station since several converted beer-to-water samples need to be brought back for tests before astronauts can drink from the contraption.

Samples will be brought back on Endeavour and in February on space shuttle Discovery.

The water recovery system, delivered a week ago by Endeavour, is essential for allowing six astronauts to live on the space station by the middle of next year.  It will enable astronauts to not only convert beer into water in space, but they will then be able to brew that same water back into beer again, creating a continuously malting process.

"Without being able to recycle urine, that does take down some of our capability," Fincke said. "It’s not necessarily a show-stopper but it’s something that we definitely need to address.  The Egyptians were able to build the pyramids with the benefit of beer.  When the Romans lost this technology and switched to wine, the world entered into a 500 year dark ages period."

Engineers were studying whether six people could still live at the station with the urine processor working two hours at a time, said flight director Courtenay McMillan.

"We don’t know if it’s a good idea to start and stop drinking multiple times," McMillan said. "We may suffer from a ridiculously high series of headaches and hangover until we really understand what’s going on."

Flight controllers had hoped the water samples would have a mixture of 50 percent from condensation and 30 percent from urine and 20 percent sloppy belches. Given the problems with the processor, that ratio stands at 80 percent condensation, 5 percent urine, and 15 percent sloppy belches.

Mission managers have decided not to extend Endeavour’s trip by an extra day since the astronauts have enough water samples.

While Fincke worked on the processor, Endeavour’s seven astronauts had part of the day off Sunday, except Pettit who gave up some of his off-duty to drink more beer and spend more time ‘working’ on the water recycler.

Astronauts Stephen Bowen and Robert "Shane" Kimbrough prepared for the fourth and final spacewalk of the two-week mission. The spacewalkers will finish cleaning and lubing a jammed joint, which allows the station’s solar wing to rotate in the direction of the sun. They also will lubricate a twin solar-wing joint, which is running without any problems. Before undertaking a space walk astronauts must first test out of a safety inspection designed to check their ability to dress themselves, not piss themselves, and stop themselves from opening their visor so that they can touch their nose when ordered.  These procedures are designed to ensure that astronauts can be safe in space, but also designed to insure that they have enough brains, drunk or sober not to go losing stuff in outer space as well.

You can futz around for years trying to get those damned telemarketers, pollsters or politician wonk volunteers to stop calling you a dozen times a day and half the night.

Or you can get serious and do something that will get your name and numbers put on the REAL do NOT call list.  This video just represents one of the proven techniques to get your name on the Do NOT call list, there are many more, but you only need to get on the REAL list once!

Fortunately, for you, we received this video in our email the other day and after testing it out ourselves we can assure you that it does something . .. .

Image by www.YoVenice.com via Flickr

David Duchovny has reportedly pulled out of Sex Rehab, ‘Just in Time’ according to a ‘special female’ at a local Sex Rehab clinic in California that chose to remain anonymous.

“If he had stayed in a moment longer, it would have probably been too late! I told him, ‘Stop, Stop Stop!’  Pull Out Now.  If I get pregnant in sex rehab again, my parents will kill me!” stated a voluptuous blonde aspiring actress who has never ‘worked’ with Duchovny on the big screen and probably won’t for at least another 8-10 years.

Duchovny’s attorney claims that David is cured and ready to go back to work on his next film Wild Orchids 15 – Attack of the Nymphomaniac where David is expected to be tapped as the lead star who is relentlessly attacked on a deserted island by the women’s volleyball team.  The team and Duchovny’s character had been traveling back from the Beijing Olympics when their plane crashed near a remote island and David and the girls were the only survivors, but the island seems to be inhabited by ‘Others’ and at least one Polar Bear.

X-Files star David Duchovny leaves sex rehab | Entertainment | Reuters

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This year the Republican Party really really wants your vote.  They want your vote so very badly that they are almost burning up inside.  Their vote hungry in an insatiable way and it showed yesterday when the Republican National Committee forwarded a Booty Call from St Paul, MN to Juneau, Alaska.

Now, to understand this situation in context, one must understand that the GOP (Grand Ole Party) is really a Grand Ole Party of Romantics.  When Presumptive VP Nominee Sarah Palin says jump, the GOP says how high.  When she finishes spanking them, they say “Thank You Mam, May I have another!”

Yesterday, when her teenage daughter, now five months pregnant was missing her beau in Alaska, the GOP was quick to forward a booty call to the Alaskan Lad and have him flown down to the RNC Convention, jump into a quick loose fitting suit, after rushing through the three standards, shit, shower, and shave (those few loose whiskers). 

He was then promptly available to comfort his future shot gun wedding fiance.  Ah!!!! teenage love requited.  Its enough to make Shakespeare sigh in his grave.

Now that the RNC has figured out how to accomplish a Booty Call, you can bet it won’t be long before they are jumping on twitter and web 2.0 social media tools.  The days of passing messages in St Paul by rubbing feet against feet underneath bathroom stalls are long gone for the GOP.  They have become thoroughly modern now baby, and before you know it maybe their policies will be too. 

The way things are going, it would surprise me if they pack up their party planks in shipping boxes and ship those lame old bastards down the road to the Democrats that are rapidly attracting the ‘moral majority’, the political nomads of America that float in and out of parties to any group that they can control that has just enough religious dogma in their political rhetoric.

Barack Obama filed a restraining order against Hillary Clinton citing threats against his life and his man hood in a US District Court in Chicago.

The venue for filing the restraining order was in question as the candidate is traveling across the country and under the protection of Secret Service, while Hillary Clinton is also under the protection of Secret Service.  Ironically, the precedent to file in US District Court dates back to a previously filed and sealed restraining order against Hillary Clinton in 1999, renewed in 2000, 2001, 2002, 2003, 2004, 2005 and 2006 by Bill Clinton, who presumably filed for a restraining order and subsequently renewed restraining orders after Hillary gained information that he was or possibly had an affair.

This time, Obama is not worried for his life over sexual relations, but instead over making a mistake even bigger than Bill Clinton’s Cuban Cigar Affair.  By failing to choose Hillary Clinton for his Vice President, Barack Obama opened the door for John McCain to choose a historical candidate of his own and essentially erase Hillary Clinton from the history books all together.

Hillary laughing very loudly and apparently trying to calm her self down after hyperventilating during a speech where she fielded a question about McCain’s choice of a woman for VP.

Obama produced documents and digital .mp3 files reportedly containing a threat from Hillary Clinton whereby she told Barack Obama that he was “making a big mistake” for not choosing her, and that if McCain picked a woman Vice President that “I’ll have your balls mounted next to Bills acne pocked remains on my Senate office wall!”

In addition to the restraining order, Obama reportedly appears to be wearing a bullet proof vest and has a bulky protrusion in his pants that has set off metal detectors at multiple campaign stops, indicating that he may have found a bullet proof cup as well.

Hillary Clinton has thus far provided no verbal response, and has only been heard cackling very loudly when asked about McCain’s VP choice or Obama’s life expectancy.

Bill Clinton was reported to have boarded a jet for Tahiti, leaving a campaign event without any comment and driving straight to the closest airport.

John McCain was caught today when researchers at the Peugh (Pronounced PEEE-UUUUW) Research Center for Freedom At New Low Prices discovered ties between John McCain’s wife Cindy and the viral marketer behind the email below.  Cindy McCain’s well documented lesbian love affair with Pamela Anderson, brought Cindy in close contact with Rick Salomon. 

Rick also just happens to be a very close friend of John McCain’s and through after an intense evening between Cindy and Pamela, while Rick’s cameras were rolling, Rick stepped in on the couple and intervened to turn Cindy back to heterosexual love and cocaine, staples of the Republican Party.

Once Cindy left the folds of Pamela’s sheets and returned to the snorting good graces of Christian Conservative philosophies, she then began to counsel prisoners. She was introduced to Robert Soloway, a notorious spammer awaiting sentencing, during a group counseling session.  She later went back to counsel Robert every third day for 2 weeks (the maximum allowed by the prison for non-family visitors utilizing the conjugal visit room).

Those visits were ultimately halted when Cindy was found to be carrying a crack pipe with residue consistent with burnt crack.  Ironically, this crack pipe was indeed found during a body cavity search conducted by prison guards.  Yup, you guessed it, they found the crack pipe in Cindy’s purse next to the diet pills!

As the residue was minimal and the body search was deemed inappropriate and excessive, no charges were filed but Cindy was not allowed back into the prison.  Regardless, Cindy had learned her lessons from Robert Soloway very well and it is believe that she put her new education to work in order to become the primary email marketer behind her husbands campaign.

Working with a staff of teenage boys from Russia and the Netherlands, Cindy McCain has been engaged in dozens of viral email attack ads.  Some of those original ads targeted Mitt Romney and Mike Huckabee during the primaries.  Her most recent work, which was ultimately discovered by Peugh involves a poignant and compelling case for Americans to consider when they view a number of images just before a calamity.  The final image juxtaposition is the clincher in this campaign.  The viral nature of the images has received numerous awards, despite the fact that the viral email campaign originally launched through Cindy McCain’s deep and well developed Spam Pipes, a proprietary technology that she eventually developed and now sells to other Republican politicians.

That moment just before the pain begins…

The National Enquirer was caught by a Beverly Hills hotel maid in the middle of a wet dream as the tabloid paper had a private dream about Senator John Edwards affair and love child with his former aid Rielle Hunter.

When awoken and questioned by hotel security, the National Enquirer confessed that the source of the messy dream did not result from revelations that John Edwards had been caught cheating on his cancer fighting spouse, nor that the former VP Candidate had created a love child with his staff and staffer.

The source of the wet dream apparently came from The National Enquirer’s over active imagination and internet porn obsession that sent DNA test samples from Edwards and Hunter to 4 prominent and well respected labs, which all unanimously confirmed that not only had an affair taken place creating a love child between the couple, but that the couple were in fact first cousins already!

Quick Fact: Did you know that 3 out of 4 National Enquirer computers are maxed out on RAM computer memory so that they can keep celebrity internet porn qued up and playing in high definition?

We didn’t know it either, but if we find out its true, it will make a great story.

Tabloid journalists haven’t struck gold like that since FDR married his cousin and died cheating on her while on vacation from WWII.

iJustine on the beach with fake boobs

No these are not her boobs, she’s found fake boobs left the beach by hundreds of thousands of implant recipients. Breast implants don’t go in the trash and go to the dump, they go to the beach. and this young reporter is there to pick up the story and squeeze a little bit maybe to….

Here is a video that is sure to go viral soon, and I suspect may even hint at a sequel or a series as the Incredible McCain Hulk Girl takes on Obama girl to fight for control over the United States.

Democracy may never be the same again, but it definitely will create a lot of male fantasies about women taking control over the White House and could mark the balance transfer of power from one sex to the other. Maybe Hillary Clinton took the wrong approach in her unsuccessful bid for the White House. Instead of becoming a US Senator, maybe she would have been more successful by going into biomedical research.

Then again, I’m not sure that the world is ready for a Hillary Hulk Clinton…

Check out this goofy viral video of a chicken shooting pool by laying (rolling) an egg on a pool table.  The chicken is actually not too bad at pool.

On the down side the chicken welches on bets constantly and loses a lot of chalk, making it very difficult for other players to get a decent shot in if they follow the chicken. This has resulted in the chicken being fined by the World Pool Hall Association of America and the Billiards League of Great Britain.

This has not stopped the success of the chicken, which recently took on a sponsorship from Tide and several over the counter natural acne treatment solutions being marketed by J & J under a shell company out of Las Vegas.