The US government unveiled a new economic stimulus incentive for unemployed American workers this week.  The Obama administration wants the unemployed to go to fight for the Taliban in Afghanistan.

Secretary Gibbs, “We just don’t have any money left (here) in the US to extend unemployed benefits, but we have this great program in Afghanistan paying Taliban fighters to stop fighting.”  The secretary was speaking to a room full of no reporters or other living people Thursday evening.  “We just need to make lemonade out of lemons.  Shipping the unemployed to Afghanistan would decrease our unemployment numbers here in the US, thus convincing investors that the economy is improving and that it is safe to invest in America again (hint hint China how about a loan?).”

He went on to state, “Once they get over to Afghanistan and pick up arms against our own troops, our negotiators on the ground can throw piles of cash at them and convince them to stop fighting.”

Gibbs apparently conceived this remarkable policy all by himself after reading about Jihad Jane here in the US.  “Essentially, you have this unemployed woman, just looking for a job and instead she finds Islam and decides to fight Americans on American soil.   That’s just bad all the way around.  We need to export home grown terrorists to the states that do sponsor terrorism, like Afghanistan, Iran, Indonesia, Iraq and Luxembourg.”

Later when President Obama was asked if Gibbs spoke for the administration on this ground breaking policy shift, the President stated, “Right now, I’m dropping everything else to focus on health insurance reform.  If folks choose to ship out to Afghanistan, well that’s just fewer people we have to cover with universal health care here at home.  Most people don’t realize it, but the Taliban already offer universal health care.  I saw it first hand during my trips to Pakistan in my youth.  The Taliban screw up a lot of things, but they know health care!”

Do You Have the Right Stuff to Fight for the Taliban Against America?

Here’s a quick quiz to figure out if you might have what it takes to fight for the Taliban and receive US money for your efforts

1. Are you male or female?  (if you answered female, please stop taking this quiz and put on a burka, just who the hell taught you to read and write in the first place?  They should be stoned to death.)
2. Are you unemployed?
3. Are you pissed at the US government for being unemployed?
4. Can you take or leave Christianity?
5. Would you like to have a harem of women?  How about lots of virgins?
6. Do you like the mountains?
7. Would you like to travel to the country that Hitler felt started the Aryan race?  (You may be over qualified, but the US government may pay you anyway)
8. Do Liberals in the US think you are an asshole?  How about Libertarians?
9. Have you ever dropped out of a christian college?
10. Do you know anything about nuclear fission, explosives, chemical weapons?  (You may be eligible for rapid advancement and larger payoffs!)

Please note, that the Taliban will provide you training, both mental, spiritual and physical.  By the end of your physical training, you should be able to hump a SAM system over a mountain without being spotted, and go hand over hand on monkey bars for a series of up to 12 bars.  Clothing will be provided.

You will be required to fill out a direct deposit form with the US government before you can stop fighting for the Taliban and according to the Hatch Act you will not be able to use any funds provided by the US government to lobby or politicize your fellow American Taliban fighters for or against any US party or system, but you can use that money to bribe and payoff any local Afghany official that you like.  (We encourage you to spread your money around as a little goes a long way and most Afghanistan officials only stay paid off for a few minutes at a time.

PONTE VEDRA BEACH, Fla.—Officials for the PGA publicly apologized to Tiger Woods today for thwarting sex addiction Friday, but the star golfer left unclear when or if he would return to the sport.

In his first public appearance since the November car accident that touched off the scandal, Mr. Woods defiantly denied rumors that his wife might have hit him out of anger or during their own private role playing fantasies.  He implored the media to leave his family alone.

Meanwhile, PGA officials acknowledged that they have been receiving in-patient therapy for their issues and talking with Greek Finance minister hoping to seek financial counseling advice to help them recover from the tsunami of losses racking up now that they have pushed out their primary source of income, Tiger Woods.

"We have a lot to atone for," stated PGA Tour Commissioner Tim Finchen. 

“If there is anything we can do to bring Tiger back to the sport of golf faster, we will.  Need stripper caddies, no problem.  Lap dances in golf carts, no problem.  Ménage à trois brunch events, we’re all over that.  The PGA is going to sex up our act to foster a more Tiger conducive environment where not only Tiger but any sexual deviant, pervert, whack job, flasher etc that can bring in advertisers and money like Tiger can is free to express themselves and rub one out with or without help as they like.”

Wearing a black sport coat and open collar—and often staring straight into the camera—Mr. Woods expressed his appreciation for the sentiments of the commissioner and other PGA Tour officials as they stood behind a podium at the TPC Sawgrass golf course where the PGA Tour is headquartered speaking in front of a group of some 40 people, including friends, associates his mother and a bevy of professional women that flew in from Las Vegas just for the public apology event.

"I do plan to return to golf one day," Mr. Woods said. "I just don’t know when that day will be. I don’t rule out that it will be this year. When I return, I need to make clear that my behavior and actions performed in private will be my business and my business alone, but if I text you for help while I’m lying in a ditch after my wife has beat me over the head with a golf club while running me down in the family car, call an ambulance, please."

Mr. Finchen concluded the tightly scripted event by saying, "Tiger, I ask you to find room in your heart to one day believe in us again." He then hugged Tiger while giving him a hand job in front of the national press.

TIGER WOODS – golfer, Just Do Me by orlandocougarclub
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TIGER WOODS – I was in a FOURSOME with TIGER by orlandocougarclub
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TIGER WOODS, golfer, JUST DO ME by orlandocougarclub
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Just when Health Care Insurance Reform seemed almost dead, the Obama Administration and Democrats received the best gift a politician can receive, an evil insurance empire acting very badly and painting a massive bull’s eye that any Democrat could hit, even with Nancy Pelosi’s pitching arm.

Thursday morning, Health Secretary Kathleen Sebelius called to thank Anthem CEO Robert Hillman, who succeeded the unlikely duo of Larry Glasscok who begat the next CEO Ben Lytle who begat Hillman.  With so much begatting taking place it is impressive to note just how much business Anthem has been able to capture.  Rumors that Secretary Sebelius also sent lude images of herself wearing a hot little red chemise from Fredericks of Hollywood circulated the internet later tomorrow as well.  Her office denied the rumors and stated that the red chemise was standard attire for the Secretary, who frankly does have a nice body and likes to show off her ‘healthyness’ as a role model and Secretary of Health.

Sebelius is not the first hot mama to go to the mattresses over health care, Hillary Clinton made a hell of a push and almost won some awards over a decade ago as well, but Hillary didn’t have the luxury of fat cat Insurance companies acting like complete morons in the middle of a political fire storm.  Back in the 90’s Insurance companies were still a lot more tentative, but 17 straight years of increasing health care costs coupled with increasing health insurance company profits have made them fat and stupid.

Regardless, it should be pretty easy now for Sebelius and Democrats in Washington to cook up some health insurance witches just after they finish their short sited hunt in Anthem land.

Anthem may get support from an odd crowd however as Tea Baggers are starting to get their hackles up.  Anthem is also the name of an Ayn Rand short story.  Its likely that the Tea Party types might rush to Anthem’s defense mistaking it for a Rand book as opposed to an insurance company.  Its so hard to fight those pesky Democrats when they keep pulling bait and switch tactics like books and insurance companies after all.

Bloggers are always trying to be ‘understood’.  That is so 2008, but we need to prepare our selves for a new year and a new media world where Social Media Douche Bags take over Congress and eventually the world. 

More specifically we have to learn and practice how to misunderstand bloggers more effectively. 

1.  Find something ludicrous in a Blog’s Header that Distracts You from that annoyingly important content

• 
• 
•  
• Obviously Momzilla54 doesn’t know about child labor laws.  Get your kids out of the textile mill before you go to jail for truancy!  (That type of comment will always get a blogger talking to you!)

2.  Assume that all Bloggers are Spammers- In words of John Lennon, Imagine all the spammers, its easy if you try, in fact most facebook ads will tell you that 99% of bloggers are spammers.

3.  Sign up for things with your email address, then forward copies of what you receive to the blogger and tell them, What the fuck are you sending me all the time, I never signed up for this shit?  I thought I was getting a free Powerball ticket. (note your message doesn’t have to make any sense at all, because you are purposefully misunderstanding them first!)

• This works even better if you send them an email in 6 point fonts!
• Better yet, make sure you give them an @ reply on twitter too!

4.  Repeat these words after me, then paste them in a reply on your favorite tech bloggers comments, “But Michael Arrington Said Your Were Wrong and a Douche Bag on Tech Crunch” Even better include a link to one of Michael’s articles that has a brazillion comments and indicate that it was a comment that he made below the actual article responding to something Scobleizer said in support of the same bloggers blog.

5. If you have the balls, you can always just call the blogger stupid.  That’s always good for a laugh or two

• Two brains and you can barely scrape together a single thought? What kind of moron are you?
• 

6.  No Matter what tell the blogger their article is too long.  This works even better on twitter too, even if they send out a tweet that says ‘no’ ask them to quit being so damned long winded.

7. Pretend that their fake charactures of themselves and their kids are REAL Pictures, Then insult them by calling their kids ugly!  But don’t forget to call the blogger ugly too.  For bonus points, tell them that you couldn’t follow or subscribe to a blog that has an ugly blogger due to your new Apple Ugly Blogger Firewall protection.

8. This is one of my favorites.  Read the title of their article, but DO NOT read the rest of the article.  Assume that the title says all there is to say, then attack them for their stupidity.

• 
• What kind of moron spends $125 on shoes.  That’s the dumbest thing I ever heard of.  You probably can’t even afford health insurance, but you will spend big bucks on Nike’s
• Note, don’t feel bad if they made a clever argument to support the title or anything like that.  This is the age of twitter, if the title doesn’t say it all, well then the blogger is just wrong. 

9. Attack them for failing to come up with one more bullet point or item for their list.  “You small minded bastard, all you could think of were 9 things!  What kind of retard are you!”

The glory of web 2.0 is that it fails and breaks just as much and as often as that old crappy web 1.0.  The big difference is that you can see it fail, break and generally suck while you and your friends watch.

Plus, in a throw back to champions of pastels, you can watch it suck with mild looking colors and rounded corners.  No service lives quite up to the utter suckiness of web 2.0 like the current king of web 2.0, twitter.

Where did Twitter Get Its Name?

Twitter is a serviced named by many accounts after a homeless man who died on the a silicon valley curb while a mob of computer geek nerds took cell phone pictures and text messaged their friends to remark on his last death convulsions.  Not a single sucky uber geek lifted a hand to save the bum, not a single geek called 911, but 430 text messages were generated from that situation from a small group of 30 people waiting for a green bus.

Ironically, none of the 430 text messages were sent to anyone outside of the group watching.  While the poor bum twittered and jerked for the last time on this earth, the crowd of texting Poindexters were engaged in a mental sms circle jerk described by the most enterprising nerd as a twitter.

This was the conception of what would later become the most pointless web 2.0 application ever.

The South Carolina Governor that got lost on the Appalachian trail angling for some Argentinian Tail may have his sights set in a NEW direction this month.  Sources close to the Governor’s SMS texting account believe that he may be carrying on a textual affair with a former member of the Latin American Boy Band Menudo! 

He is a Republican ya know and those Republican Politicians, they luv them some forbidden fruits.

Governor Sanford’s publicist will not confirm whether or not Sanford will appear on the new Fox Reality show, “Dancing with the Whores”, but she would say that Sanford has had a little more tango experience recently.

We’d like to thank our sponsors Vocus Productivity software or some crap like that. 

Obviously, they are looking for clients just like You! 

People that are fucking around on the internet when they should be getting some work done. 

Well as soon as your boss pays Vocus some money for whatever the hell they sell, odds are you will be forced to be more productive or find yourself shit canned like so many other people these days.

People Are Rapidly Tuning Out Cable News for Twitter when it Comes to Breaking News Reports

Twitter Users were among the first people to share and see reports of the death of Britney Spears. Reports were filtering in through Twitter that Spears had passed away from an apparent overdose. Meanwhile cable news channels such as MSNBC and CNN continued to run reports about Michelle Obama’s clothing and the Presidential visit with Queen Elizabeth.

The death of Spears as reported on Twitter marks another episode in news, much like the plane that landed in the Husdon River where people standing near an event are better able to share details than any news organization in the world.

Spears was found catatonic in a restroom within the famous restaurant Genghis Cohn in Los Angeles. Patrons eating lunch were witnessed snapping pictures of paramedics removing Spears on stretchers. They did not appear to attempt any resuscitation while moving her out through the main restaurant.

Several people also uploaded images of what appeared to be lines of cocaine on the restroom counter.

There has been no official word from officials in Los Angeles nor from Spears family.

Parents and children’s advocates may be outraged, but Congress simply does not care about their perspective when it comes to the rights of children.  The House voted with an over whelming majority on Thursday to allow all members of Congress access to chat with school children online directly to assess the level of education and care that children are receiving.

Representative Michael Gelinas provided an impassioned speech that stirred the House to this over whelming victory, which was followed by a private online chat session with a select group of school children in his office.

The following is a quote from WhiteHouse.gov’s original blog post that went live at 12:01 pm est Jan 20, 2009, 5 minutes before Barack Obama was sworn in as the 44th President.  This post was later corrected but this was live for about 5-6 minutes.  We were fast enough to snap it!

Change has come to WhiteHouse.gov

Welcome to the new WhiteHouse.gov. I’m Macon Phillips, the Senior Premier Director of Advanced New Social Media for the White House and one of the legions of people who will be contributing to this blog, which will be monetized by sponsors’ contributions.

A short time ago, Barack Obama was sworn in as the 44th president of the United States, technically the 45th as Joe Biden was the 44th President for 6 minutes due to a delay in the program, and his new administration officially came to life. One of the first changes is the White House’s new website, which will serve as a place for the President and his administration to connect with the rest of the nation and the world through blogs, Facebook, twitter, Utterli and HaPorn.

Millions of Americans and a shit pile of cash from big donors have powered President Obama’s journey to the White House, many taking advantage of internet gambling to play a role in shaping our country’s future by doubling down on their donations and increasing our take through savvy betting and online gambling tools that are typically illegal. WhiteHouse.gov is just the beginning of the new administration’s efforts to expand and deepen this online gaming engagement.

Just like your new government, WhiteHouse.gov and the rest of the Administration’s online programs will put citizens first right after donors and hot chicks (lesbian or straight). Our initial new media efforts will center around three priorities:

Communication — Americans are eager for information about the state of the economy, national security, American Idol and a host of other issues. This site will feature timely and in-depth content meant to keep everyone up-to-date and educated. We will hire 200,000 bloggers to help with this effort and pay them with revenue earned from Google Adsense revenue and sponsored articles featuring endorsements by Barack Obama.  Check out the briefing room, keep tabs on the blog (RSS feed) and take a moment to sign up for e-mail updates from the President and his administration so you can be sure to know about major announcements,  decisions, scandals and calls for Martial Law (Heads up don’t book any flights on March 1, 2009.  We’ll probably run a Martial Law test run that night just to see if we can get away with it!).
Transparency – President Obama has committed to making his administration the most open and transparent in history, and WhiteHouse.gov will play a major role in delivering on that promise. Live Web Cams and microphones will be placed throughout the White House including the Oval Office and the First Bedroom, but not the kids rooms because even though we believe in America’s potential we know some of you are really sick bastards.  The President’s executive orders and proclamations will be published for everyone to review, and that’s just the beginning of our efforts to provide a window for all Americans into the business of the government. You can also learn about some of the senior leadership in the new administration and about the President’s policy priorities.

Participation — President Obama started his career as a community organizer on the South Side of Chicago in case you hadn’t heard.  After he sobered up, got off the coke and became interested in women again, he saw firsthand what people can do when they come together for a common cause. Citizen participation will be a priority for the Administration, and the internet will play an important role in that since everyone will essentially be under house arrest in 3 months. One significant addition to WhiteHouse.gov reflects a campaign promise from the President: we will publish all non-emergency legislation to the website for five days, and allow the public to review and comment before the President signs it. Emergency legislation will be kept under Top Secret seal.

We’d also like to hear from you — what sort of things would you find valuable from WhiteHouse.gov? If you have an idea, use this form to let us know. Like the transition website and the campaign’s before that, this online community will continue to be a work in progress as we develop new features and content for you. So thanks in advance for your patience and for your feedback. We will offer up a linkback to the first 2,000 comments in a follow up blog post.

Later today, we’ll put up the video and the full text of President Obama’s Inaugural Address. There will also be slideshows of the Inaugural events, the Obamas’ move into the White House, and President Obama’s first days in office.  All of these items will be available as a HD download, DVD purchase or ebook for a fee of $49.95.

EOP – Blog Post – Change has come to WhiteHouse.gov