Viral Grape Vine

John McCain was caught today when researchers at the Peugh (Pronounced PEEE-UUUUW) Research Center for Freedom At New Low Prices discovered ties between John McCain’s wife Cindy and the viral marketer behind the email below.  Cindy McCain’s well documented lesbian love affair with Pamela Anderson, brought Cindy in close contact with Rick Salomon. 

Rick also just happens to be a very close friend of John McCain’s and through after an intense evening between Cindy and Pamela, while Rick’s cameras were rolling, Rick stepped in on the couple and intervened to turn Cindy back to heterosexual love and cocaine, staples of the Republican Party.

Once Cindy left the folds of Pamela’s sheets and returned to the snorting good graces of Christian Conservative philosophies, she then began to counsel prisoners. She was introduced to Robert Soloway, a notorious spammer awaiting sentencing, during a group counseling session.  She later went back to counsel Robert every third day for 2 weeks (the maximum allowed by the prison for non-family visitors utilizing the conjugal visit room).

Those visits were ultimately halted when Cindy was found to be carrying a crack pipe with residue consistent with burnt crack.  Ironically, this crack pipe was indeed found during a body cavity search conducted by prison guards.  Yup, you guessed it, they found the crack pipe in Cindy’s purse next to the diet pills!

As the residue was minimal and the body search was deemed inappropriate and excessive, no charges were filed but Cindy was not allowed back into the prison.  Regardless, Cindy had learned her lessons from Robert Soloway very well and it is believe that she put her new education to work in order to become the primary email marketer behind her husbands campaign.

Working with a staff of teenage boys from Russia and the Netherlands, Cindy McCain has been engaged in dozens of viral email attack ads.  Some of those original ads targeted Mitt Romney and Mike Huckabee during the primaries.  Her most recent work, which was ultimately discovered by Peugh involves a poignant and compelling case for Americans to consider when they view a number of images just before a calamity.  The final image juxtaposition is the clincher in this campaign.  The viral nature of the images has received numerous awards, despite the fact that the viral email campaign originally launched through Cindy McCain’s deep and well developed Spam Pipes, a proprietary technology that she eventually developed and now sells to other Republican politicians.

That moment just before the pain begins…

The National Enquirer was caught by a Beverly Hills hotel maid in the middle of a wet dream as the tabloid paper had a private dream about Senator John Edwards affair and love child with his former aid Rielle Hunter.

When awoken and questioned by hotel security, the National Enquirer confessed that the source of the messy dream did not result from revelations that John Edwards had been caught cheating on his cancer fighting spouse, nor that the former VP Candidate had created a love child with his staff and staffer.

The source of the wet dream apparently came from The National Enquirer’s over active imagination and internet porn obsession that sent DNA test samples from Edwards and Hunter to 4 prominent and well respected labs, which all unanimously confirmed that not only had an affair taken place creating a love child between the couple, but that the couple were in fact first cousins already!

Quick Fact: Did you know that 3 out of 4 National Enquirer computers are maxed out on RAM computer memory so that they can keep celebrity internet porn qued up and playing in high definition?

We didn’t know it either, but if we find out its true, it will make a great story.

Tabloid journalists haven’t struck gold like that since FDR married his cousin and died cheating on her while on vacation from WWII.

Kyra, filling in for Mr. Fab over at Pointless Drivel recently put the question to readers, are you addicted to underwear and what type of underwear do you like.  It seems that Kyra is a pantyholic or something.

Kyra writes, I’m addicted to underwear and, no… I’m not joking. I have a horrible urge to buy underwear pretty much all the time. If I’m in Target buying diapers or Scotch Tape I simply have to veer right and make a stop in the panty section where I will pick out about 80 pair at a time and buy them. I can’t help it.

So if you read the rest of Kyra’s article and the brazillion comments afterwards, you will realize that Kyra really likes panties (not thongs), and she’s not alone. 

Go figure

Well, I think as a counter point we should ask a question on the flip side.  What type of underwear is your least favorite or is something that you just can’t wear.

For example, I hate wearing Cock Socks!

Sure they are fun almost like a Chinese finger puzzle trap thing (stick fingers in from both ends and try and pull the suckers out.

You can do all sorts of neat tricks with cock socks almost like a yoyo and with similar names.

You can twirl it around the world, walk the dog, do a dirty sanchez, etc.

But the thing is that they don’t give you a lot of support and can increase chaffing.

Plus, when you are at work and have a cock sock, its very annoying hitting the urinal.  You have to go into the can, unzip your pants, pull your cock out, then pull off the damn cock sock.

Now if you really have to pee piss(more manly sounding), that can be a problem, because sometimes as soon as its free its going!

Don’t even get me started with putting the cock sock back on while in the restroom.  No guy wants to break urinal etiquette possible exception for Larry Craig, but you’ve just taken a leak, your possibly in a line with a couple other guys standing next to you at the urinal, and now . . .

and now, you have to pump things up a bit if you know what I mean so that you can get your cock sock back on!

I mean how awkward is that!

Oh don’t mind me, I’m just pumping my chicken to get my cock sock back on.

That shit just doesn’t fly at work.

Cock socks are also tough if you are on a road trip.  First while you are traveling the damn thing naturally starts to inch its way down your pant leg, but with a cock sick the tip can get caught in the folds of your jeans a bit.
Before you know it your shifting or hitting the break and your pants shift and hell all of a sudden your getting pinched and pulled when you should be keeping your eyes on the road and hands on the wheel.

That goes double if you are a school bus driver!

Now the real problem comes up when you stop at a rest station. 

You might get away with pumping yourself up a bit at work to get your cock sock back on.  Those ass holes already know how much of a freak you are after all, and most of them are 10 times worse!

But you go into a truck stop or rest area to let loose with 44 ounces of big gulp in a urinal that hasn’t been flushed since 1942 somewhere this side of Bad Ass, Texas and the first problem you have is keeping your Johnson from falling out into the putrid mess in the urinal.  But hell hath no fury like a truck driver named Honcho Geronimo Smith that ways 289, stands 6 foot 2 inches and glances over at you to see you pumping yourself up a bit with one hand while holding your cock sock in your teeth!

That shit’s either going to get you killed on the spot or gang raped over a toilet that makes the urinal look like a tidy bowl commercial.

Presidential Long shot Mike Huckabee surprised a San Francisco audience today by coming out and declaring himself a homosexual in San Francisco.

“I have had this feeling ever since I can remember.  I was born this way and I am not going to hide it any longer.  I would also like to challenge my other Republican competitors to come clean and admit their homosexuality as well.  I’m pretty sure about John McCain, but I can attest that Mitt Romney and I have had an on again mostly off again love affair for over a decade.  They call him the Mitt due to his uncanny ability to provide a fantastic reach around.”

Mike Huckabee’s speech stunned his audience and his campaign staff with the exception of one young male staffer, who cried out, “Wooohooo!  I love you Hucky, I just love you to pieces.”

Mike Huckabee joins a long long list of both Conservative Republicans and Conservative Preachers who have come forward to admit their homosexuality.  It is surprising and inspiring that Huckabee would choose to come out in San Francisco and while campaigning for President. He later stated,

“I know where my base is.  I know who my base is.  The Republican Party has a fabulous base of great big homos like myself, and we don’t have to stand divided in the ranks any more.”

After closing off his comments, Huckabee then led reporters out of the hotel conference room and down the block where he entered a San Francisco bath house, pointed at an hulking bear of a man and ushered him upstairs with a nod.  He came back down about 45 minutes later looking refreshed and about 5 pounds lighter in the loafers.

Barack Obama just happened to be caught off guard by the press in Los Angeles while watching a news report of Huckabees speech and trist.  He was audibly overheard remarking,

“I always new that Mitt was a well put together man, but I would have never seen this coming . . . Hey, Hey that’s Jeremy Toobins!”  He then looked around and left the vicinity immediately.

Reporters later learned that the bearish man that Mike Huckabee met in the bathhouse was none other than Jeremy Toobins of Hawaii, a former class mate of Barack Obama at an elite high school on the island.

The eruptions within the Republican party did not end with Huckabee in that bathhouse either.  Pat Buchanan was speaking during an interview when producers shut off his microphone.  He could be heard yelling,

“They are taking over the whole F***$#@  party.  Its started with that F@* George W Bush, and now it has spread throughout the ranks.  I’m gonna fly straight to Georgia and Kick Newt Gingrich right in the nuts.  I’ll bet you a million dollars that he knew about this one too and didn’t  . . .”

Dennis Kucinich paid for a recount in NH

Its funny but a ballot recount request initiated by Dennis Kucinich almost brought about the apocalypse. Here’s how it plays out.

Dennis thought that he found voting irregularities in the New Hampshire primary. He was nowhere close to winning as both the Clinton and Obama camps had rigged the election seven and six ways to Sunday (respectively) and Dennis only rigged the election 2 ways to Sunday. He was effectively out-rigged 13 to 2!

Never the less, he wanted to prove just how much rigging was going on and set off the recount. Little did he know that the Secretary of State that would review his request for a recount was also a pissed off in the closet Scientologist.

Tom Cruise lauds power of Scientology in Web video

Bill Gardner, the Secretary of State of New Hampshire was fit to be tied this week as video that he secretly captured at a Scientologist revival featuring Tom Cruise was leaked onto the internet by Bill Gardner’s estranged lesbian lover, Violet Blue a notorious sex columnist and internet blogger from the West Coast.

Bill and Violet had been on the outs for a couple years after he refused to leave his wife to move in with her in San Francisco and lead an organic life.

Steve Jobs Snubs Violet Blue

Violet Blue had had enough of Bill’s lies and false promises and in a tearful video editing session uploaded Bill’s video of Tom Cruise onto YouTube where Tom was rapidly and widely ridiculed for acting like a Scientologist.

Tom Cruise is a Scientologist, but normally does not act like one on video.

Violet Blue felt greatly relieved after purging her Apple iBook of the Tom Cruise Scientology video and desperate to get her life back on track, headed to MacWorld this week hoping to land herself some hot young Apple Fan boy to remove the memory of her ex-beau Bill.

Please understand that I’m talking about Violet Blue the educator and not the porn star, be careful when you Google, you might just get what you want to see, but not what you are looking for.

To keep things clear, I’ve included images of both of their eyes, grayed out so that they could be judged according to the window to their soul as opposed to the actions of their soul as captured on video.

The Eyes Have it!

Which set of eyes belong to the porn star and which set of eyes belong to the sex educator?

If you guessed that the first set of eyes belong to the porn star, then you guessed wrong!  Those eyes have been painted and manipulated to bring about the look of sexuality.  Porn Stars always shoot for the look of innocence, as Britney Spears experts would agree if they studied the Oops I did it again video.

Unfortunately, Violet did not count on the extra low hetero turn out at this years MacWorld and was just about to try and connect with some old girl friends when she saw her big opportunity.

Steve Jobs was scrolling through streaming porn on his iPhone in the middle of the MacWorld exposition sporting a what appeared to be a hard little Nano in his pants. Violet saw her big chance in as her eyes traveled from his streaming porn iphone down to his Nano and back up to the maniacal gleam of his eyes reflecting in his glasses.

She strolled over, rubbed his forearm and asked if he might now of a champagne room somewhere close where they could get to know each other a little better.

Four paparazzi arrested after chasing Britney Spears

As it turns out, Steve Jobs was not watching streaming porn afterall, and the Nano was not a hard on but a pacemaker battery.

Jobs was actually watching a live event unfold as four paid paparazzi henchman were in the midst of staging a Princess Diana scene with one completely sane Britney Spears.

Jobs had been following the staged attacks against Britney Spears for some time. Its well known in the secretive Apple circles that Britney is undergoing a character assassination at a scope and depth not seen since a Bahrain Sheik paid for evidence to be planted at Michael Jackson’s home that would incriminate the singer forcing him to leave the country and seek protection from the sheik.

This assassination of Britney Spears had actually been contracted by Whitney Houston, whom Jobs dated in the early 90’s just before she hooked up with Eddie Murphy. Back then as is the case today, Jobs had access to the best coke and Whitney soon became hooked. She now spends all of her amassed fortune trying to corrupt or destroy the men that turned her out.

The Hoodia Connection

Many people believe that Whitney Houston is still a drug addict today.  This is not likely to be the case.  She has lost a lot of weight, but most people expert in the study of diet supplements believe that she discovered Hoodia while visiting Africa and is now a regular consumer of Hoodia Water, which is not a drug but instead an appetite suppresant.

Britney was just Houston’s latest victim as K-Fed had formerly been Houston’s live in Gigolo while ex-husband Bobby Brown served time in prison. He left Houston for a younger sugar mommy, Britney and Houston could not let that stand.

So she kicked off a campaign to make the world think that Britney had lost her mind and ultimately have the paparazzi chase her to a fiery death in a car chase.

This is one of Houston’s signature assassination ploys, as she had Princess Diana murdered the same way. (Its well documented that Diana and Houston had a long term love affair that ultimately ended about the same time that Diana’s marriage ended.)

Eddie Murphy and new wife split after two weeks

So as Steve Jobs was watching the chase unfold, he rapidly sent in his own order to some local police officials to thwart the assassination attempt. This happened at the same time that Violet Blue was putting the feel and move on Jobs and Blue ended up having her Feel Betters Hurt, and later did what any good blogger would do, she did an interview with Scoble.

That was not the end of the matter however. Houston rapidly realized that her plot had been spoiled, but she mistakenly thought that Eddie Murphy had put the kabash on things and so Houston rapidly released a select video from her own library to Babyface.

Babyface was the ex of Eddie Murphy’s tropical island wife, Tracey Edmonds.  Eddy has refuted that he used love poems delivered to his cell phone to win over Tracey..

Tracey Edmonds isn’t from the islands, that is where she and Murphy exchanged faux wedding vows a couple weeks back.

Initially they had planned on returning to the states where Murphy would sign over half of his fortune and marry her for real under US law.

However, when Babyface passed on the video from Houston to Edmonds, the shit hit the fan. Literally, Apparently Murphy and Houston used to engage in what is known as very dirty heroin sex. Houston would snort heroin and Murphy would snort laxatives. He’d later flatulate the nasty stuff at a fan that would then spray Houston.

This was all filmed on videotape and passed to Babyface, who lost his lunch when he first viewed the video.

When Edmonds heard of it, she called off the wedding despite how much she needed the money and rapidly went upstairs to destroy her own tapes of Murphy and herself and a ceiling fan.

It was this destruction of tapes that are mentioned in the Bible, which refers to a satanic ritual of demonic proportions. If Edmonds and Murphy had performed the same act once actually married (as opposed to the practice run) the end of the world would have come along shortly in 4 more years and Mike Huckabee would have been elected in less than 1 year.

Hillary Clinton is not only on the ballots to be the Presidential candidates of Democrats, but she is also running her working girl campaign to win last minute votes by winning an award this weekend at the Adult Video Awards in Las Vegas.

She is nominated this year for work that she did not actually do as industry rumors persist that either a body double was used in her sex scene featuring a man that looks eerily similar to Vince Foster and a youngish looking John Edwards in a three some. 

Despite not actually being in the movie, Hillary’s head is in the movie either from a double or somehow the porn industry has worked their movie magic yet again.

Hillary is election hungry.  She hasn’t had any in years since Bill turned her out years before winning the Presidency himself.  So sources close to the AVN world are indicating that Hillary will be there, possibly in disguise (wearing a gimp mask), a tactic that she often uses on the campaign trail when she wants to see the real world without being bogged down with questions or interviews.  Hillary Clinton also uses this tactic when she just wants to get a good spanking.

“It helps me shed a tear and find my voice . . . .”

This is not Hillary’s first nomination for the AVN awards.  Eager to prove that she had a mouth as powerful as Monica Lewinski, Hillary is widely reputed to have appeared as a walk in roll on the low budget film Mouth’s Gone Wild.  Mouth’s Gone Wild is a video featuring women that are typically very drunk.  They are rapidly and easily convinced to let their mouth’s go wild on camera.

One thing is for sure, Hillary would do anything for your vote! 

She’ll take any press, any award, and any momentum she can get.  Wouldn’t surprise me to see her name show up on specialty bumper stickers designed to fit on your card for auto insurance, so if you get pulled over for a ticket, she’ll have a chance to convince the police officer writing you a fat ticket to vote for Hillary!

Jerry Seinfeld is one artist that can not be bought, and he is quick to remind the world.  In fact, the entertainer that earns $60 million a year from work that he did a decade ago has so much pull that he can throw out a crazy idea and get Hollywood financing at the drop of a hat.

Years ago he engaged in a campaign of performance art to determine if he could get a television show about nothing and succeeded.  Once you have received money for nothing its hard to find a new challenge. 

For Seinfeld, who is ridiculously wealthy, its all about the challenge.

  So Seinfeld engaged in an extended 4 year campaign to fool Hollywood producers at Dreamworks into believing that he could put together an animated movie about a Bee. 

Seinfeld has no movie nor animated experience of any kind.

In reality, the campaign is a performance art stunt designed to trump his performance art work in his former TV show. 

Many people foolishly believe that the art is in the movie, but the actual art is in playing producers in an artistic way that will enable Seinfeld to make a movie about a Seinfeld Bee character that gets to grab Renee Zellweger’s animated character’s ass. 

He apparently succeeded if the above picture is really a picture of Seinfeld’s Bee character grabbing Renee’s animated character’s posterior.

It is a common theme for artists, comedians and movie directors even to attempt to do something just for the sake of seeing what they can get away with.  Mell Brooks and Richard Pryor famously made a movie, whose primary purpose was to desensitize people to both the N word and to bean inspired flatulence within the same movie.  Blazing Saddles went down in flames and Bee’s will likely follow a similar path regardless of whether or not the movie is any good.

What’s Next for Seinfeld?

Given Seinfeld’s past and experience and his desire to do new things that are very different, I feel that it is obvious that Seinfeld will work to become the future dictator of North Korea.  Kim Jong Il is reportedly the only person in the world that truly ‘gets’ the real humor and performance that Seinfeld really produces, when you ignore the bi-products that popular culture has embraced such as his TV show, his stand up performances and now his latest bi-product bee’s. 

Just as a Bee produces honey almost as a bi-product, Seinfeld produces popular entertainment for the masses, while he secretly works to entertain himself and Kim Jong Il.