PONTE VEDRA BEACH, Fla.—Officials for the PGA publicly apologized to Tiger Woods today for thwarting sex addiction Friday, but the star golfer left unclear when or if he would return to the sport.

In his first public appearance since the November car accident that touched off the scandal, Mr. Woods defiantly denied rumors that his wife might have hit him out of anger or during their own private role playing fantasies.  He implored the media to leave his family alone.

Meanwhile, PGA officials acknowledged that they have been receiving in-patient therapy for their issues and talking with Greek Finance minister hoping to seek financial counseling advice to help them recover from the tsunami of losses racking up now that they have pushed out their primary source of income, Tiger Woods.

"We have a lot to atone for," stated PGA Tour Commissioner Tim Finchen. 

“If there is anything we can do to bring Tiger back to the sport of golf faster, we will.  Need stripper caddies, no problem.  Lap dances in golf carts, no problem.  Ménage à trois brunch events, we’re all over that.  The PGA is going to sex up our act to foster a more Tiger conducive environment where not only Tiger but any sexual deviant, pervert, whack job, flasher etc that can bring in advertisers and money like Tiger can is free to express themselves and rub one out with or without help as they like.”

Wearing a black sport coat and open collar—and often staring straight into the camera—Mr. Woods expressed his appreciation for the sentiments of the commissioner and other PGA Tour officials as they stood behind a podium at the TPC Sawgrass golf course where the PGA Tour is headquartered speaking in front of a group of some 40 people, including friends, associates his mother and a bevy of professional women that flew in from Las Vegas just for the public apology event.

"I do plan to return to golf one day," Mr. Woods said. "I just don’t know when that day will be. I don’t rule out that it will be this year. When I return, I need to make clear that my behavior and actions performed in private will be my business and my business alone, but if I text you for help while I’m lying in a ditch after my wife has beat me over the head with a golf club while running me down in the family car, call an ambulance, please."

Mr. Finchen concluded the tightly scripted event by saying, "Tiger, I ask you to find room in your heart to one day believe in us again." He then hugged Tiger while giving him a hand job in front of the national press.

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Republicans are getting all worked up over the party to end all parties, its the 2010 Tea Bagger Ball in Memphis Tennessee!

Of course, they are not the only ones interested in this party!  Democrats, Independents, and even the remaining Libertarians with a sense of humor that haven’t gotten sucked   into the Tea Bag blow out can’t wait for the ultimate smack down in Tea Bag jokes.

The more socially conservative, conservatives were appalled last year to learn that the fun founding father catch phrases that worked 240 years ago in politics had taken on a very sexual connotation in the present.  Even though many of those same socially conservative, conservatives are the SAME ones that give regular good ol’ boy conservatives a bad name by fornicating with any thing with a fornication button regardless of sex and religion while demonizing how bad that is for everyone else to do out of the other side of any remaining open orifice, they were none-the less surprise to find out that tea bags today can also refer to TESTICLES!

Fun Factoid! Did you know that both Tea Bags and Testicles hang around like limp sacks, not doing much of anything unless you pull on their string up and down a little bit?

Yup, it is true, so knock yourself out!

So if you have $500 for a plate of dinner, a $250 hotel room in Memphis and some twisted morals that you don’t let your congregation know too much about, head on down to the Tea Baggers Ball!

Got Tea Bags? by ViralGrapeWrath

Got Tea Bags? by ViralGrapeWrath

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I’m not anti-Republican, just anti-BONEHEAD by noyoudidnt

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The South Carolina Governor that got lost on the Appalachian trail angling for some Argentinian Tail may have his sights set in a NEW direction this month.  Sources close to the Governor’s SMS texting account believe that he may be carrying on a textual affair with a former member of the Latin American Boy Band Menudo! 

He is a Republican ya know and those Republican Politicians, they luv them some forbidden fruits.

Governor Sanford’s publicist will not confirm whether or not Sanford will appear on the new Fox Reality show, “Dancing with the Whores”, but she would say that Sanford has had a little more tango experience recently.

People Are Rapidly Tuning Out Cable News for Twitter when it Comes to Breaking News Reports

Twitter Users were among the first people to share and see reports of the death of Britney Spears. Reports were filtering in through Twitter that Spears had passed away from an apparent overdose. Meanwhile cable news channels such as MSNBC and CNN continued to run reports about Michelle Obama’s clothing and the Presidential visit with Queen Elizabeth.

The death of Spears as reported on Twitter marks another episode in news, much like the plane that landed in the Husdon River where people standing near an event are better able to share details than any news organization in the world.

Spears was found catatonic in a restroom within the famous restaurant Genghis Cohn in Los Angeles. Patrons eating lunch were witnessed snapping pictures of paramedics removing Spears on stretchers. They did not appear to attempt any resuscitation while moving her out through the main restaurant.

Several people also uploaded images of what appeared to be lines of cocaine on the restroom counter.

There has been no official word from officials in Los Angeles nor from Spears family.

Scientists monitoring a glacier clinging to Mount Redoubt noticed that a hole in the glacier clinging to the north side of the volcano had doubled in size overnight  — and now spans the length of two football fields.  The doubling in size coincided with a Sarah Palin Clan gathering just above the glacier. 

Each year members of the widely extended Sarah Palin clan gather for a massive Beer fest.  The drinking starts at the crack of noon and continues until noon the next day.  The event peeks before it ends just before midnight when the entire clan gathers on top of a long cliff above the glacier. 

From this lofty vantage, the entire clan proceeds to engage in a group ‘Piss Off.’  Men and women of all ages and sizes line up with arms linked together, entertwined at the elbows and they piss over the cliff.  It starts with the oldest Palin on the right and as soon is she is done pissing, it moves to the next Palin, and so on and so forth until the clan is entirely pissed out. 

The Palin clan is famous not only for its popular governor and snow machine champion, but also for the ability of all of the women in the Palin clan to piss while standing up.

Members of the first Palin Clan Piss off in 1896.  The Piss off started in San Francisco.  The Palin’s at that time pissed off the porch, but unfortunately they pissed in such volumes that it destabilized the ground under the house, which eventually came crashing down and the Palins fled to Idaho and later Alaska.

Scientists with the Alaska Volcano Observatory on Friday flew close to Drift Glacier and spotted vigorous steam emitted from a hole on the mountain glacier. By Saturday, they had confirmed the area was a Piss-hole, an opening in the ice and earth that emits gases and steam, that was increasing in size at an alarming rate.

They also saw water streaming down the glacier, indicating heat from urine is reaching lower elevations of the mountain and heading for Anchorage miles away.

"The glacier is now sort of falling apart in the upper part," research geologist Kristi Wallace said.  Without a solid freeze this winter, it is feared that this glacier may be irreparably damaged.  Even worse, the glacier keeps Mount Redoubt cooled. 

Mount Redoubt is a slightly active volcano and the change in thermodynamics in the glacier resulting from all of that Palin Piss might just trigger that mama to blow!

For more information on this story.

Revelers in black tie and gowns toasted Barack Obama at his balls celebrating his first night as President.  Big balls and parties are a time-honored tradition even in these lean economic times.

The President and First lady Michelle Obama will twirl their way through 10 sets of official balls Tuesday night with an all-star ensemble backing them up, starting with a serenade of Etta James’ "At Last" by Beyonce. Across Washington, there were at least a dozen other unofficial balls where partiers were letting it all hang down even without an appearance from the new first pair.

Most of the ladies wore black like their dates, but Patrick Landers was an exception in his kilt at one of Biden’s balls. The 33-year-old Washington attorney moved to the United States from Ireland in 1998.

"I’m here to celebrate this great day and the beginning of my transformation into a female in the company of the United States and the rest of the world watching my surgery live on internet web cans," Landers probably didn’t say.  Sources later confirmed that he definitely did not say that at all.

Not everyone was so thrilled about all the balls. Singer Sheryl Crow, doing a sound check for a performance said she was ball sick.

"I have not seen my balls in four days. I’m miserable," she told her band between songs according to a famous misquoter.

Despite the formal attire and celebrity entertainment, balls aren’t overly fancy appendages. Lines often are long and joined by round clusters of people waiting to get in, go to the bathroom or check or scratch their balls and the food is heavy on vegetables with bleu cheese dip.

In a sign of the financial times, guests who already paid anywhere from $75 for a ticket to thousands more for a package deal had to buy their own drinks. Beer went for $6 and cocktails for $9.  Rocky Mountain Oysters were free mixed in with beer nuts at most of the bars.

Gregory O’Dell, a spokesman for the Washington Convention Center, said every inauguration is different, but several administrations in the past have offered free drinks with their balls.

"I think they were focused on being cost sensitive, obviously with the economy,” and the demand and size of these balls he indicated.

The room was quite chilly at one Ball, where Rep. Dennis Kucinich, D-Ohio, and his famous wife, Elizabeth, huddled close and held hands trying not to shrivel. Asked what she most looked forward to at the inaugural ball this evening, Mrs. Kucinich joked, "Getting my coat."

The Obama’s first stop, an event for D.C. locals, will be broadcast on ABC with performances by Beyonce and her husband Jay-Z, will.i.am, Mariah Carey, Alicia Keys, Shakira, Sting, Faith Hill, Mary J. Blige, Stevie Wonder and Maroon 5.

Then it’s off to Obama’s Balls for Illinois and Hawaii with Jack Johnson and Common performing; the Commander in Chief Balls for the armed forces with Jon Bon Jovi headlining an event to be broadcast to troops overseas, and then Youth Balls with Kanye West, Kid Rock and Fall Out Boy to be broadcast on MTV.

Obama and Vice President Joe Biden also will join sacks to attend the balls for Biden’s home states and five sets of regional balls, with performers including The Dead, Marc Anthony and James Taylor, all of whom have famous balls.

In the past, inaugural balls have tended to be awkward looking. The president and first lady take to the dance floor before thousands of supporters, twirl around awkwardly, then wave goodbye and move on to the next set.

In 2001, reporters timed George W. Bush’s forays onto the dance floor at each of nine balls. His first was 29 seconds. The longest stretch: 67 seconds.  Laura later commented that 68 seconds was the longest George ever utilized his balls.

"I confess I’m not the world greatest lover of balls, but you’re going to have to suffer through it," he told the crowd.

But expect a bit more from Obama and his wife, who have already danced at the concert at the Lincoln Memorial and were willing to shake it on national TV with Ellen DeGeneres, which initially earned Obama a swift kick in the balls from Michelle until Chris Mathews later went on the same show and man handled Ellen.  Ellen later commented, “Can you believe the balls on that guy!”

You can read the original story without all the balls at The Associated Press: Stars come out for Obama’s inaugural balls

The following is a quote from WhiteHouse.gov’s original blog post that went live at 12:01 pm est Jan 20, 2009, 5 minutes before Barack Obama was sworn in as the 44th President.  This post was later corrected but this was live for about 5-6 minutes.  We were fast enough to snap it!

Change has come to WhiteHouse.gov

Welcome to the new WhiteHouse.gov. I’m Macon Phillips, the Senior Premier Director of Advanced New Social Media for the White House and one of the legions of people who will be contributing to this blog, which will be monetized by sponsors’ contributions.

A short time ago, Barack Obama was sworn in as the 44th president of the United States, technically the 45th as Joe Biden was the 44th President for 6 minutes due to a delay in the program, and his new administration officially came to life. One of the first changes is the White House’s new website, which will serve as a place for the President and his administration to connect with the rest of the nation and the world through blogs, Facebook, twitter, Utterli and HaPorn.

Millions of Americans and a shit pile of cash from big donors have powered President Obama’s journey to the White House, many taking advantage of internet gambling to play a role in shaping our country’s future by doubling down on their donations and increasing our take through savvy betting and online gambling tools that are typically illegal. WhiteHouse.gov is just the beginning of the new administration’s efforts to expand and deepen this online gaming engagement.

Just like your new government, WhiteHouse.gov and the rest of the Administration’s online programs will put citizens first right after donors and hot chicks (lesbian or straight). Our initial new media efforts will center around three priorities:

Communication — Americans are eager for information about the state of the economy, national security, American Idol and a host of other issues. This site will feature timely and in-depth content meant to keep everyone up-to-date and educated. We will hire 200,000 bloggers to help with this effort and pay them with revenue earned from Google Adsense revenue and sponsored articles featuring endorsements by Barack Obama.  Check out the briefing room, keep tabs on the blog (RSS feed) and take a moment to sign up for e-mail updates from the President and his administration so you can be sure to know about major announcements,  decisions, scandals and calls for Martial Law (Heads up don’t book any flights on March 1, 2009.  We’ll probably run a Martial Law test run that night just to see if we can get away with it!).
Transparency – President Obama has committed to making his administration the most open and transparent in history, and WhiteHouse.gov will play a major role in delivering on that promise. Live Web Cams and microphones will be placed throughout the White House including the Oval Office and the First Bedroom, but not the kids rooms because even though we believe in America’s potential we know some of you are really sick bastards.  The President’s executive orders and proclamations will be published for everyone to review, and that’s just the beginning of our efforts to provide a window for all Americans into the business of the government. You can also learn about some of the senior leadership in the new administration and about the President’s policy priorities.

Participation — President Obama started his career as a community organizer on the South Side of Chicago in case you hadn’t heard.  After he sobered up, got off the coke and became interested in women again, he saw firsthand what people can do when they come together for a common cause. Citizen participation will be a priority for the Administration, and the internet will play an important role in that since everyone will essentially be under house arrest in 3 months. One significant addition to WhiteHouse.gov reflects a campaign promise from the President: we will publish all non-emergency legislation to the website for five days, and allow the public to review and comment before the President signs it. Emergency legislation will be kept under Top Secret seal.

We’d also like to hear from you — what sort of things would you find valuable from WhiteHouse.gov? If you have an idea, use this form to let us know. Like the transition website and the campaign’s before that, this online community will continue to be a work in progress as we develop new features and content for you. So thanks in advance for your patience and for your feedback. We will offer up a linkback to the first 2,000 comments in a follow up blog post.

Later today, we’ll put up the video and the full text of President Obama’s Inaugural Address. There will also be slideshows of the Inaugural events, the Obamas’ move into the White House, and President Obama’s first days in office.  All of these items will be available as a HD download, DVD purchase or ebook for a fee of $49.95.

EOP – Blog Post – Change has come to WhiteHouse.gov