Satyre Topics & Videos

The Geico Gecko (lizard) of commercial auto insurance fame has passed away. Apparently, a fellow actor became violently distraught over being upstaged by the green lizard and attacked. 

Many on-lookers initially didn’t recognize the attack for what it was.  This all took place during a scene where the Geico Lizard was supposed to be picked up by the scruff (skin) of his neck in a fashion common for kittens and puppies.

Filming for the first scenes or commercial episodes featuring the lizard looking for motherly love in all the wrong places went just fine with an actual dog and an actual trained cat.  Unfortunately, a hawk with a bit of a temper and a beak to grind against Geico relating to a hit and run windshield incident, ended in disaster for the lizard and a meager meal for the bird,when the bird, promptly snapped the neck of the famous lizard with the annoying accent.

Geico Lizard

Born: 1999

Died: December 3, 2008

The GEICO Gecko leaves behind a wife, 4 kids, and 43 tails of various lengths.

News Source: Some viral email that a friend sent me.  I believe it is true, but I could be mistaken. He normally sends me funny pornographic images.

UPDATE

It has come to our attention that the death of the GEICO Gecko is indeed inaccurate as we guessed above.  Apparently, this is not the first time that reports of the death of the Gecko from GEICO have been exagerated.  Below is a news report from 2006, accusing the AFLAC Duck of shooting the Gecko Geico.

For the record the AFLAC duck was cleared of the shooting (which was not fatal for the Gecko Geico but did remove his 38th tail as a casualty).  The AFLAC duck was cleared as he does not have an opposable thumb, which is necessary to pull the trigger on a gun.

This article has been adapted to fit your sense of humor.

HOUSTON (VGV) — Astronauts tinkled Sunday in a troublesome piece of equipment designed to help convert urine and sweat into drinkable water, which is vital to allowing the international space station crew to double up to a six pack from a three pack of Miller Lite.

Station commander Michael Fincke and space shuttle Endeavour astronaut Donald Pettit changed how an air freshener is mounted in a urine processor, which is part of the newly delivered $154 million beer and water recovery system. The air freshener is a spinning device that helps separate the beer from urine, creates enough electricity to power a blow dryer in space from the spinning of the air freshener, and helps remove the smell of both urine and beer farts from the International Space Station.

It was placed on rubber grommets to reduce vibrations, and Mission Control asked Fincke to remove them and just bolt the piece down (or up its all relative in space) so that they could get on with their televised game of floating Asshole.

"We’re very hopeful for this, and if not, we have a few other pricks we can aim at this problem," Fincke said from the space station after the task was finished.

The astronauts have been trying to get the system running for four days, but the urine processor has worked for just two hours at a time before shutting down. A normal run is about four hours.  This has proven to be very problematic for astronauts trying to get a good buzz going, only to have to stop drinking or hold it for 2 hours when they are already 4 beers in to the game.  If they hold it in the weightless environment of space, they risk not only bladder rupture, but the increased pressure triggers more beer farts.  The air handling units on the ISS is not equipped to keep pace with beer farts at a level produced by a six pack of beer, hence the need for the air freshener.

An initial test after the repair ran for 3 1/2 hours and processed about a case and a half of beer before shutting down Sunday night. Engineers again were trying to figure out a fix.

"It looks like we made things better, but we’re maybe not there yet," Fincke hick-upped to Mission Control.

As a last resort, Endeavour could bring the problematic part back to Earth for repairs when the shuttle departs on Thanksgiving. That option could complicate plans to add crew members to the station since several converted beer-to-water samples need to be brought back for tests before astronauts can drink from the contraption.

Samples will be brought back on Endeavour and in February on space shuttle Discovery.

The water recovery system, delivered a week ago by Endeavour, is essential for allowing six astronauts to live on the space station by the middle of next year.  It will enable astronauts to not only convert beer into water in space, but they will then be able to brew that same water back into beer again, creating a continuously malting process.

"Without being able to recycle urine, that does take down some of our capability," Fincke said. "It’s not necessarily a show-stopper but it’s something that we definitely need to address.  The Egyptians were able to build the pyramids with the benefit of beer.  When the Romans lost this technology and switched to wine, the world entered into a 500 year dark ages period."

Engineers were studying whether six people could still live at the station with the urine processor working two hours at a time, said flight director Courtenay McMillan.

"We don’t know if it’s a good idea to start and stop drinking multiple times," McMillan said. "We may suffer from a ridiculously high series of headaches and hangover until we really understand what’s going on."

Flight controllers had hoped the water samples would have a mixture of 50 percent from condensation and 30 percent from urine and 20 percent sloppy belches. Given the problems with the processor, that ratio stands at 80 percent condensation, 5 percent urine, and 15 percent sloppy belches.

Mission managers have decided not to extend Endeavour’s trip by an extra day since the astronauts have enough water samples.

While Fincke worked on the processor, Endeavour’s seven astronauts had part of the day off Sunday, except Pettit who gave up some of his off-duty to drink more beer and spend more time ‘working’ on the water recycler.

Astronauts Stephen Bowen and Robert "Shane" Kimbrough prepared for the fourth and final spacewalk of the two-week mission. The spacewalkers will finish cleaning and lubing a jammed joint, which allows the station’s solar wing to rotate in the direction of the sun. They also will lubricate a twin solar-wing joint, which is running without any problems. Before undertaking a space walk astronauts must first test out of a safety inspection designed to check their ability to dress themselves, not piss themselves, and stop themselves from opening their visor so that they can touch their nose when ordered.  These procedures are designed to ensure that astronauts can be safe in space, but also designed to insure that they have enough brains, drunk or sober not to go losing stuff in outer space as well.

Image by www.YoVenice.com via Flickr

David Duchovny has reportedly pulled out of Sex Rehab, ‘Just in Time’ according to a ‘special female’ at a local Sex Rehab clinic in California that chose to remain anonymous.

“If he had stayed in a moment longer, it would have probably been too late! I told him, ‘Stop, Stop Stop!’  Pull Out Now.  If I get pregnant in sex rehab again, my parents will kill me!” stated a voluptuous blonde aspiring actress who has never ‘worked’ with Duchovny on the big screen and probably won’t for at least another 8-10 years.

Duchovny’s attorney claims that David is cured and ready to go back to work on his next film Wild Orchids 15 – Attack of the Nymphomaniac where David is expected to be tapped as the lead star who is relentlessly attacked on a deserted island by the women’s volleyball team.  The team and Duchovny’s character had been traveling back from the Beijing Olympics when their plane crashed near a remote island and David and the girls were the only survivors, but the island seems to be inhabited by ‘Others’ and at least one Polar Bear.

X-Files star David Duchovny leaves sex rehab | Entertainment | Reuters

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The European super collider known as LHC destined to figure out antimatter and much more scared many people thinking that it could trigger a black hole that would swallow the earth.  It scared some people so much that they set up web cams to monitor the collider around the clock looking for evidence of an escalation of the eschaton.

So you can imagine the surprise of discovery by dozens of scientists whose voice suddenly became very high pitched and nasally like a cartoon when a different type of accident occurred. The site suffered a major temperature rise.  Not a combustion of fusion that would turn Earth into a new Sun, but instead a good sized jump that messed with the collider magnets and caused lots of problems. 

It could have triggered a black hole if macgiveresque scientists had not acted quickly to thwart global catastrophe.  Jean Luc Bousardo performed a number of calculations to solve for a prevention of catastrophe when he saw temperatures rising and magnets failing.  From his deductions, he then grabbed a fire ax and attacked several helium tanks.

This unleashed a massive amount of helium, which was rapidly inhaled by all scientists and techs present.  Jean Luc then proceeded to direct the mass of scientists in a fast rendition of Soundgarden’s Black Hole Sun sung with that high pitched voice that can only be achieved from sucking helium.  The Scientists belted out the squeaky power balad over and over again maintaining a harmonic resonance that kept the facility stable until crews could cool the tunnels and bring the entire project offline for repairs.

The adhoc attempt to save us all from eminent doom worked so well that choirs have now been brought in to sing with helium aided assistance in the break room that formerly showed movies 24/7 for employees complete with a cafe and home theater seating.

This year the Republican Party really really wants your vote.  They want your vote so very badly that they are almost burning up inside.  Their vote hungry in an insatiable way and it showed yesterday when the Republican National Committee forwarded a Booty Call from St Paul, MN to Juneau, Alaska.

Now, to understand this situation in context, one must understand that the GOP (Grand Ole Party) is really a Grand Ole Party of Romantics.  When Presumptive VP Nominee Sarah Palin says jump, the GOP says how high.  When she finishes spanking them, they say “Thank You Mam, May I have another!”

Yesterday, when her teenage daughter, now five months pregnant was missing her beau in Alaska, the GOP was quick to forward a booty call to the Alaskan Lad and have him flown down to the RNC Convention, jump into a quick loose fitting suit, after rushing through the three standards, shit, shower, and shave (those few loose whiskers). 

He was then promptly available to comfort his future shot gun wedding fiance.  Ah!!!! teenage love requited.  Its enough to make Shakespeare sigh in his grave.

Now that the RNC has figured out how to accomplish a Booty Call, you can bet it won’t be long before they are jumping on twitter and web 2.0 social media tools.  The days of passing messages in St Paul by rubbing feet against feet underneath bathroom stalls are long gone for the GOP.  They have become thoroughly modern now baby, and before you know it maybe their policies will be too. 

The way things are going, it would surprise me if they pack up their party planks in shipping boxes and ship those lame old bastards down the road to the Democrats that are rapidly attracting the ‘moral majority’, the political nomads of America that float in and out of parties to any group that they can control that has just enough religious dogma in their political rhetoric.

Barack Obama filed a restraining order against Hillary Clinton citing threats against his life and his man hood in a US District Court in Chicago.

The venue for filing the restraining order was in question as the candidate is traveling across the country and under the protection of Secret Service, while Hillary Clinton is also under the protection of Secret Service.  Ironically, the precedent to file in US District Court dates back to a previously filed and sealed restraining order against Hillary Clinton in 1999, renewed in 2000, 2001, 2002, 2003, 2004, 2005 and 2006 by Bill Clinton, who presumably filed for a restraining order and subsequently renewed restraining orders after Hillary gained information that he was or possibly had an affair.

This time, Obama is not worried for his life over sexual relations, but instead over making a mistake even bigger than Bill Clinton’s Cuban Cigar Affair.  By failing to choose Hillary Clinton for his Vice President, Barack Obama opened the door for John McCain to choose a historical candidate of his own and essentially erase Hillary Clinton from the history books all together.

Hillary laughing very loudly and apparently trying to calm her self down after hyperventilating during a speech where she fielded a question about McCain’s choice of a woman for VP.

Obama produced documents and digital .mp3 files reportedly containing a threat from Hillary Clinton whereby she told Barack Obama that he was “making a big mistake” for not choosing her, and that if McCain picked a woman Vice President that “I’ll have your balls mounted next to Bills acne pocked remains on my Senate office wall!”

In addition to the restraining order, Obama reportedly appears to be wearing a bullet proof vest and has a bulky protrusion in his pants that has set off metal detectors at multiple campaign stops, indicating that he may have found a bullet proof cup as well.

Hillary Clinton has thus far provided no verbal response, and has only been heard cackling very loudly when asked about McCain’s VP choice or Obama’s life expectancy.

Bill Clinton was reported to have boarded a jet for Tahiti, leaving a campaign event without any comment and driving straight to the closest airport.

The National Enquirer was caught by a Beverly Hills hotel maid in the middle of a wet dream as the tabloid paper had a private dream about Senator John Edwards affair and love child with his former aid Rielle Hunter.

When awoken and questioned by hotel security, the National Enquirer confessed that the source of the messy dream did not result from revelations that John Edwards had been caught cheating on his cancer fighting spouse, nor that the former VP Candidate had created a love child with his staff and staffer.

The source of the wet dream apparently came from The National Enquirer’s over active imagination and internet porn obsession that sent DNA test samples from Edwards and Hunter to 4 prominent and well respected labs, which all unanimously confirmed that not only had an affair taken place creating a love child between the couple, but that the couple were in fact first cousins already!

Quick Fact: Did you know that 3 out of 4 National Enquirer computers are maxed out on RAM computer memory so that they can keep celebrity internet porn qued up and playing in high definition?

We didn’t know it either, but if we find out its true, it will make a great story.

Tabloid journalists haven’t struck gold like that since FDR married his cousin and died cheating on her while on vacation from WWII.

Here is a cute little gift that you might just be able to afford with your rebate this year if the value of the dollar does not drop further.

But if the dollar keeps dropping, you will be lucky to view this image from your own broadband connection.

The IRS Pencil Sharpener

I’m from the IRS and I am here to help!

This is an image and caption from a recent viral email that I have received.  My own personal experience with IRS professionals has been very positive.  The IRS bureaucracy is definitely very problematic, but the people that keep that monster running are smart and talented.  Hopefully they get a laugh here from time to time to get through the day. 

A happy IRS agent has got to be good for everyone!

ViralGrapeVine was the first organization to break the news to Obama supporters and lovers across the country and across the world.

Barack Obama is Out of the Race! 

He’s out of the Democratic Primary and he is out of the race for the 2008 Presidential election.  Barack Obama was found to be unqualified to be President of the United States after a public demonstration in Altoona, Pennsylvania.  Barack Obama showed up to what he thought would be a casual working class campaign stop. 

He bowled 10 frames with a staffer and racked up the amazingly low score of 37.  That’s right, he rolled the ball 20 times at 10 pins and only hit 37 pins (hard enough to knock them down).  The candidate was plagued by gutter balls and velcro shoes.

Little did Obama know that this was actually a test of the Bavarian sect of the Illuminati.  The Bavarian Illuminati have run the United States after substituting George Washington with a look alike actually named Adama Weishaupt (Vise Hopt’d) shortly after the American Revolution.

Since then the Illuminati have used their satanic ritual of testing potential Presidential candidates with seeming simple and innocent games such as nine pins, horse shoes, bowling and even tick tack toe.

The game used to test Abraham Lincoln in 1859 when he played against a chicken a match that many Illuminati insiders claimed as a rigged and unfair contest.  In 1859 it was almost impossible for a person to actually win a game of tic tac toe against a chicken.

In the modern age people today have a much better chance at besting chickens today after generations of Tyson led fowl genocide.

Barack Obama went up against the Illuminati this weekend and lost.  Many politicos have understood for some time that Obama was a member of the Ancients of Mu a Pacific Rim secret society that has fought distantly against the Illuminati, whom originated in Atlantis and later migrated to Greece, took over the Ottoman empire, then migrated through the Austro-Hungarian Empire and back across the Atlantic to the United States through their Bavarian sect.

Many people feel that the Illuminati are preparing for another transition out of the United States and back to the Middle East either to settle in Iraq, Pakistan, or Afghanistan so that they can prepare an offensive against the seat of the Ancients of Mu in Beijing.

All of that maneuvering seems to have gone against Barack Obama who was prepared to sweep the 2008 election until he was undone by a poison pill planted by the Illuminati grand wizard Harry Truman back in 1947.  Truman realized in 1947 that managing the US Nuclear arsenal could never fall into the hands of anyone belong to the Ancients of Mu and setup a secret program to test potential candidates by subjecting them to a bowling test. 

Since then many people have unknowingly taken this test in bowling allies across the United States.  Presidential material was typically identified early in life and tracked very closely, but Obama grew up in Indonesia and later Hawaii and fell off the radar of the Illuminati.

It wasn’t until this last weekend that an Illuminati spy working deep inside the Obama campaign, organized the stop engineered to test Obama and remove him ultimately from the campaign and contest for the Presidency.

That Illuminati plot has succeeded and the Ancients of Mu have to venture back to the drawing board.

1. “Why did I marry her? Why didn’t I just put a loaded gun in my mouth? Why, God? Why?”
2. “Holy crap, look at that rear end. Somewhere, a semi-truck is missing its ‘Oversized Load’ sign.
3. “Somewhere, there are two willing girls naked in a hot tub and I’m stuck here listening to her jabber on about health care.
4. “Sheesh, Rush is sooooooo right – She does sound like Nurse Ratchett!”
5.  “My God, does that woman never shut up?”
6.  “I wonder if Monica still has the same phone number.”

7.  “Damn, Just think of the babes I could get with Barack’s Mojo!”
8.  “I can’t believe that asshole George sent me those those pictures of Condi pounding him with a strap on over my old desk in the Oval Office.  How the hell do you get an image like that out of your mind?”
9.  “She told me, she’d never blow me again unless she was elected President.  Not lookin’ so good right now .  .”

Odds are if you are normal or have any experience on the internet, if you receive an email or a private message from a social networking site like Facebook or something and it reads something like this

I think you are the greatest thing since sliced bread!  Send me your email address.  I’d like to send you (naked) pictures of myself and possibly have a live webcam video chat with you!

You should probably ignore that email and send it to your spam bucket unless you are a Hillary Supporter, in which case you probably already know that its just Hillary’s normal tactic for teasing campaign contributions out of Americans.

Sure you could have an online relationship, maybe even have internet sex but think about your actions. 

If you have internet sex with someone,

• you are also having internet sex with everyone they have had internet sex with,
• everyone they are having internet sex with at the same time they have internet sex with you
• and conversely you are also having sex with absolutely no one!

That’s because when you have internet sex you are just masturbating!

You can call it internet sex all you like, but the reality is its just masturbation (no matter what your spouse or parents say).