Viral Grape Vine

In one episode of ‘Cheers’, Cliff is seated at the bar describing the Buffalo Theory to his buddy, Norm. I don’t think I’ve ever heard the concept explained any better than this .

‘Well you see, Norm, it’s like this . . . A herd of buffalo can only move as fast as the slowest buffalo. And when the herd is hunted, it is the slowest and weakest ones at the back that are killed first. This natural selection is good for the herd as a whole, because the general speed and health of the whole group keeps improving by the regular killing of the weakest members. In much the same way, the human brain can only operate as fast as the slowest brain cells. Now, as we know, excessive intake of alcohol kills brain cells. But naturally, it attacks the slowest and weakest brain cells first. In this way, regular consumption of beer eliminates the weaker brain cells, making the brain a faster and more efficient machine.

And that, Norm, is why you always feel smarter after a few beers.

Unanswered Questions

If you are very astute you may have noticed several unanswered questions that I did not mention in our article on How Taxes Really work for the sake of brevity.  If by chance you do not like these questions or the answers to these questions then do something to fix the system that is creating them or send me $100 and I will write an alternate version for you within the next 10 years.

1. Why didn’t the bar just give the tenth man $ 1 instead of taking $9 and paying $10?
1. The tenth man needed a receipt for the governments $10 paid to the bar, and the bar needed to launder $9 in drug and prostitution money they brought in under the table.
2. What happened to the United States?
1. The United States was seized by France that holds control over the country in the name of the Chinese that are moving here by the boat load.  France was chosen to appease them as they still have nuclear weapons and they were seen as the lesser of two evils by the Chinese as compared to Russia.
3. What Happened to the President of the United States?
1. He fled the country, sought sanctuary in Saudi Arabia where he converted to Islam.  His wife and daughters fled with him and they have not been seen since.  It is assumed that they are simply veiled now, but many people suspect that his wife was stoned to death and that his daughters were sold into bondage to a Bin Laden family member related to Osama.
4. There are several company names mentioned in this article, do they refer to actual companies or actual events?
1. These refer to actual events but do not refer to actual companies.  Any similarity of names in this account and real company names are solely the result of chance and possibly a faulty spell check system.  Any possible real companies with similar names would likely be far more greedy.
5. After the tenth man didn’t have to pay for beer, how did you come up with the percentages?
1. At $18, $12, $7, $3, and $1 the remaining paying people were paying a total of $41 dollars.  I then determined what percentage of $41 each was paying.  That broke down as  57%, 38%, 22%, 10% and 3%.  So I was then easily able to multiply these percentages by the new total of $130.
6. Did the bar have to shut down after they lost all of their customers and their aluminum kegs?
1. No, because they made their real money in prostitution and drugs, which increased as more people got into financial trouble and as more people needed to make money.  The bar actually expanded and eventually took over an old Wal-mart (the non super type) where people could go to buy their drugs and spend 5 minutes with a prostitute.  Ironically by that time most of the prostitutes were former wives of their customers.  The bar was also by now owned by the Chinese, who had essentially learned how to prostitute American Wives to their American husbands and take their money for the privilege.
7. Is the ViralGrapeVine Guarantee for Real?  How about the Tooth Fairy?
1. No, I we do not want your money and we definitely do not want your self addressed stamped envelopes that’s why we did not provide an address.  If you send us money, we’ll charge you a $5 fee for wasting our time, and then we will do our best to write up something witty to make the rest of our readers laugh.
2. The Tooth Fairy is definitely real, She’s also very hot in bed!  I’ve got pictures, if you want to see them send me $5 along with a self addressed stamped envelope.  The lighting is a little dark, but you can make out enough to know whether I’m pulling your leg or not.

Dennis Kucinich paid for a recount in NH

Its funny but a ballot recount request initiated by Dennis Kucinich almost brought about the apocalypse. Here’s how it plays out.

Dennis thought that he found voting irregularities in the New Hampshire primary. He was nowhere close to winning as both the Clinton and Obama camps had rigged the election seven and six ways to Sunday (respectively) and Dennis only rigged the election 2 ways to Sunday. He was effectively out-rigged 13 to 2!

Never the less, he wanted to prove just how much rigging was going on and set off the recount. Little did he know that the Secretary of State that would review his request for a recount was also a pissed off in the closet Scientologist.

Tom Cruise lauds power of Scientology in Web video

Bill Gardner, the Secretary of State of New Hampshire was fit to be tied this week as video that he secretly captured at a Scientologist revival featuring Tom Cruise was leaked onto the internet by Bill Gardner’s estranged lesbian lover, Violet Blue a notorious sex columnist and internet blogger from the West Coast.

Bill and Violet had been on the outs for a couple years after he refused to leave his wife to move in with her in San Francisco and lead an organic life.

Steve Jobs Snubs Violet Blue

Violet Blue had had enough of Bill’s lies and false promises and in a tearful video editing session uploaded Bill’s video of Tom Cruise onto YouTube where Tom was rapidly and widely ridiculed for acting like a Scientologist.

Tom Cruise is a Scientologist, but normally does not act like one on video.

Violet Blue felt greatly relieved after purging her Apple iBook of the Tom Cruise Scientology video and desperate to get her life back on track, headed to MacWorld this week hoping to land herself some hot young Apple Fan boy to remove the memory of her ex-beau Bill.

Please understand that I’m talking about Violet Blue the educator and not the porn star, be careful when you Google, you might just get what you want to see, but not what you are looking for.

To keep things clear, I’ve included images of both of their eyes, grayed out so that they could be judged according to the window to their soul as opposed to the actions of their soul as captured on video.

The Eyes Have it!

Which set of eyes belong to the porn star and which set of eyes belong to the sex educator?

If you guessed that the first set of eyes belong to the porn star, then you guessed wrong!  Those eyes have been painted and manipulated to bring about the look of sexuality.  Porn Stars always shoot for the look of innocence, as Britney Spears experts would agree if they studied the Oops I did it again video.

Unfortunately, Violet did not count on the extra low hetero turn out at this years MacWorld and was just about to try and connect with some old girl friends when she saw her big opportunity.

Steve Jobs was scrolling through streaming porn on his iPhone in the middle of the MacWorld exposition sporting a what appeared to be a hard little Nano in his pants. Violet saw her big chance in as her eyes traveled from his streaming porn iphone down to his Nano and back up to the maniacal gleam of his eyes reflecting in his glasses.

She strolled over, rubbed his forearm and asked if he might now of a champagne room somewhere close where they could get to know each other a little better.

Four paparazzi arrested after chasing Britney Spears

As it turns out, Steve Jobs was not watching streaming porn afterall, and the Nano was not a hard on but a pacemaker battery.

Jobs was actually watching a live event unfold as four paid paparazzi henchman were in the midst of staging a Princess Diana scene with one completely sane Britney Spears.

Jobs had been following the staged attacks against Britney Spears for some time. Its well known in the secretive Apple circles that Britney is undergoing a character assassination at a scope and depth not seen since a Bahrain Sheik paid for evidence to be planted at Michael Jackson’s home that would incriminate the singer forcing him to leave the country and seek protection from the sheik.

This assassination of Britney Spears had actually been contracted by Whitney Houston, whom Jobs dated in the early 90’s just before she hooked up with Eddie Murphy. Back then as is the case today, Jobs had access to the best coke and Whitney soon became hooked. She now spends all of her amassed fortune trying to corrupt or destroy the men that turned her out.

The Hoodia Connection

Many people believe that Whitney Houston is still a drug addict today.  This is not likely to be the case.  She has lost a lot of weight, but most people expert in the study of diet supplements believe that she discovered Hoodia while visiting Africa and is now a regular consumer of Hoodia Water, which is not a drug but instead an appetite suppresant.

Britney was just Houston’s latest victim as K-Fed had formerly been Houston’s live in Gigolo while ex-husband Bobby Brown served time in prison. He left Houston for a younger sugar mommy, Britney and Houston could not let that stand.

So she kicked off a campaign to make the world think that Britney had lost her mind and ultimately have the paparazzi chase her to a fiery death in a car chase.

This is one of Houston’s signature assassination ploys, as she had Princess Diana murdered the same way. (Its well documented that Diana and Houston had a long term love affair that ultimately ended about the same time that Diana’s marriage ended.)

Eddie Murphy and new wife split after two weeks

So as Steve Jobs was watching the chase unfold, he rapidly sent in his own order to some local police officials to thwart the assassination attempt. This happened at the same time that Violet Blue was putting the feel and move on Jobs and Blue ended up having her Feel Betters Hurt, and later did what any good blogger would do, she did an interview with Scoble.

That was not the end of the matter however. Houston rapidly realized that her plot had been spoiled, but she mistakenly thought that Eddie Murphy had put the kabash on things and so Houston rapidly released a select video from her own library to Babyface.

Babyface was the ex of Eddie Murphy’s tropical island wife, Tracey Edmonds.  Eddy has refuted that he used love poems delivered to his cell phone to win over Tracey..

Tracey Edmonds isn’t from the islands, that is where she and Murphy exchanged faux wedding vows a couple weeks back.

Initially they had planned on returning to the states where Murphy would sign over half of his fortune and marry her for real under US law.

However, when Babyface passed on the video from Houston to Edmonds, the shit hit the fan. Literally, Apparently Murphy and Houston used to engage in what is known as very dirty heroin sex. Houston would snort heroin and Murphy would snort laxatives. He’d later flatulate the nasty stuff at a fan that would then spray Houston.

This was all filmed on videotape and passed to Babyface, who lost his lunch when he first viewed the video.

When Edmonds heard of it, she called off the wedding despite how much she needed the money and rapidly went upstairs to destroy her own tapes of Murphy and herself and a ceiling fan.

It was this destruction of tapes that are mentioned in the Bible, which refers to a satanic ritual of demonic proportions. If Edmonds and Murphy had performed the same act once actually married (as opposed to the practice run) the end of the world would have come along shortly in 4 more years and Mike Huckabee would have been elected in less than 1 year.

I have been a fan of Leo Laporte’s work for years and haven’t watched TechTv (or what ever they call it these days) since he left.

Regardless, I experienced a serious guffaw and spit take (ruining my new Apple Air that I was test driving for a review for the nasty thieves at WeStealProductsFromTradesShows.com - Sorry Guys, go hit Jobs up for another one) when I found this image of what appeared to be Leo Laporte balancing a beer on top of his naked belly.

As I am a very diligent blogger and never let a fact stand in my way when I’m trying to make a joke, I promptly did not investigate the possibility that this truly was Leo Laporte. 

I’ll leave that to people that actually think something real might someday be written on this particular website, you poor deluded dupes.

VGV has received and exclusive confirmation that Britney Spears has officially flown over the Cookoo’s Nest.  Britney’s new attorney, Rex the Cat, a spunk 24 lb Tabby from Orange County, now representing Britney Spears.  Rex made a brief appearance outside of Cedars Sinai Medical Center where Spears was admitted against her will to determine what unknown substance she was under the influence of.

Rex pawed his way to a make shift podium saying, “Britney is now in my control.  She has been smoking catnip and that is not a controlled substance in California (for humans).  The courts must now release my client from the mental ward of Cedars Sinai and let her return to her home, where I will take up residence and promptly begin ignoring her.”

Rex also indicated off camera that he would file a paternity motion tomorrow on Britney’s behalf.  It would seem that Britney is claiming to be the father of her own sister’s baby.

Many celebrity paparazzi have secretly been whispering for months that Britney recently had a procedure, and now it seems evident that Britney underwent a sex change in order to impregnate her sister and engage in yet another custody battle of complete and utter hopelessness.