Once a year, we must all submit to bathing our eye balls.  Those nasty orbs get relatively filthy without regular cleansing.  While it is true that water on your eye balls can infect you with demons who will make you succumb to the practices of the devil, it is also true you have to clean them regularly.

So in case you were feeling reluctant about this years eye ball scrub, we thought we’d share this nice image of David Hasselhoff wearing an 80’s style bikini.   

Enjoy your scrub!

Yes Man may have been one of Jim Carrey’s best movies, but the decision to come back for a second round with ‘No Man’ almost proved fatal for the comedic genius who reportedly toppled off the back of a scooter while wearing a dog suit.  Carrey was filming his first gay bestiality scene as the movie served up one impossible situation after the next in which his character should have said No Man!

This had most of the state of Michigan laughing for 2 days and a very embarrassed female news anchor who will, in the future, likely think before she speaks. What happens when you predict snow but don’t get any….a true story…We had a female news anchor who, the day after it was supposed to have snowed and didn’t, turned to the weatherman and asked:

"So Bob, where’s that 8 inches you promised me last night?"

Not only did HE have to leave the set, but half the crew did too they were laughing so hard!

In other news . . . Bobbing for tea bags to get a news job. 

Who says that journalism is dead?

That’s just stupid

PONTE VEDRA BEACH, Fla.—Officials for the PGA publicly apologized to Tiger Woods today for thwarting sex addiction Friday, but the star golfer left unclear when or if he would return to the sport.

In his first public appearance since the November car accident that touched off the scandal, Mr. Woods defiantly denied rumors that his wife might have hit him out of anger or during their own private role playing fantasies.  He implored the media to leave his family alone.

Meanwhile, PGA officials acknowledged that they have been receiving in-patient therapy for their issues and talking with Greek Finance minister hoping to seek financial counseling advice to help them recover from the tsunami of losses racking up now that they have pushed out their primary source of income, Tiger Woods.

"We have a lot to atone for," stated PGA Tour Commissioner Tim Finchen. 

“If there is anything we can do to bring Tiger back to the sport of golf faster, we will.  Need stripper caddies, no problem.  Lap dances in golf carts, no problem.  Ménage à trois brunch events, we’re all over that.  The PGA is going to sex up our act to foster a more Tiger conducive environment where not only Tiger but any sexual deviant, pervert, whack job, flasher etc that can bring in advertisers and money like Tiger can is free to express themselves and rub one out with or without help as they like.”

Wearing a black sport coat and open collar—and often staring straight into the camera—Mr. Woods expressed his appreciation for the sentiments of the commissioner and other PGA Tour officials as they stood behind a podium at the TPC Sawgrass golf course where the PGA Tour is headquartered speaking in front of a group of some 40 people, including friends, associates his mother and a bevy of professional women that flew in from Las Vegas just for the public apology event.

"I do plan to return to golf one day," Mr. Woods said. "I just don’t know when that day will be. I don’t rule out that it will be this year. When I return, I need to make clear that my behavior and actions performed in private will be my business and my business alone, but if I text you for help while I’m lying in a ditch after my wife has beat me over the head with a golf club while running me down in the family car, call an ambulance, please."

Mr. Finchen concluded the tightly scripted event by saying, "Tiger, I ask you to find room in your heart to one day believe in us again." He then hugged Tiger while giving him a hand job in front of the national press.

TIGER WOODS – golfer, Just Do Me by orlandocougarclub
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TIGER WOODS – I was in a FOURSOME with TIGER by orlandocougarclub
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TIGER WOODS, golfer, JUST DO ME by orlandocougarclub
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Punxsutawney officials are scrambling to figure out if they can schedule a redo by tomorrow morning with their most famous rodent, Punxsutawney Phil, who was scared earlier today at sunrise on Gobblers Knob when Apple CEO, Steve Jobs scared the ground hog back into is hole by flashing a new Apple iPad and cursing about how evil Adobe and Google were before a crowd of over caffeinated spectators.

Mayor, James Wehrle, indicated this was not the first time that Jobs had tried to interfere in Phil’s prognostications of the season.  “Back in 1995, Jobs showed up dressed as Woody from Toy Story and many people felt that his shooting of a cap gun at sunrise went against the spirit of Ground Hog’s day.”  That’s putting it mildly considering the official letter that was sent from the Mayor’s office in 1996, dis-inviting Jobs from attending.

Fast forward 14 years, and many are now wondering if Jobs should be banned from the town altogether.

Punxsutawney Apple Store Manager, Geoffrey Randolph said, “Everyone knows that Phil (the ground hog) is a huge Apple fan boy.  It was just cruel to flash that ugly looking over sized iPod Touch in his face.”

‘Cruel’ is also the world that PETA activists are shouting as preparations to boycott Apple products are being organized around the country.  “Groundhogs have claws and can’t use Apple’s touch devices.  The interface is very unforgiving for clawed animals.  Enlarging the device just rubs it in, and that’s before you even consider the fact that the iPad can not play Flash.  Groundhogs are huge fans of Adobe Flash animation.” PETA Animal Observational Studies Scientist, Zuen Zieu indicated during a press conference just after noon on the east coast.  They like to play animated ground hog games.  They just can’t do that with a Apple iPhone nor an iPad.  “They fear they will be disenfranchised from the internet and relegated to a life of captivity and exploitation.”

Here’s a great little email circulating what purports to be Tiger Woods Guide to picking a great woman.  Its a short guide, and doesn’t mention looking like a Barbie Doll or having an expendable phone number anywhere!

1. It’s important to have a woman, who helps at home, who cooks from time to time, cleans up and has a job.
2. It’s important to have a woman, who can make you laugh.
3. It’s important to have a woman, who you can trust and who doesn’t lie to you.
4. It’s important to have a woman, who is good in bed and who likes to be with you.
5. It’s VERY, VERY important that these four women do not know each other

Signed,

Tiger Woods

Senior Grand Wizard and Subversive Materials Desk Chief Markoff Cheney announced at a press conference today that the Illuminati Department of the CIA had in fact created a plan to allow J.D. Salinger to die a very slow and very extra natural death.  He stopped short of saying that the death of the Catcher in the Rye was a conspiracy, but did admit that up to 13 different department heads had signed off on the plan in blood.

‘Its our job to decide when and where every man, woman and child must die.’ Markoff Cheney at a 2006 presentation at Disney World speaking to the Organizers of the New World Order.

Conspiracy theory buffs and nut jobs alike will likely take issue with the Illuminati over the natural death of Salinger.  Most fans expected Salinger to go out in a blaze of martyrdom like glory in a twisted an unexpected but very concealed manner.  That was not the case, or so we are led to believe.

~This report issued verbatim as allowed by the G20’s DOOP ROCTT (Department of Official Press Releases on Conspiracy Theories & Theorists).

Related Stories that are likely full of nonsensical factoids

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Insiders are reporting that Marge Simpson’s Playboy cover and pullout centerfold also features an interview of the Blue Haired bombshell.  In that interview Marge reportedly discusses her recent months at the Playboy bunny ranch and her skype phone counseling sessions with the Octomom. 

Octomom reportedly had a short term fling with former child star Bart Simpson this summer, something many close friends described as payback against her ex husband.  Marge got involved to make sure that her son was not ‘emotionally injured in the crossfire’ but later became close with Kate.

Now, in the interview in Playboy, Marge seems to be extending an olive branch to Kate to reconsider posing in the world’s most famous gentlemen’s magazine.

Separately, the Simpson camp is fighting off a bit of a scandal as pictures of Marge receiving a Brazilian wax job in preparation for her centerfold have been leaked to the internet.  Her people were quick to point out that the images were probably doctored as “Mrs. Simpson is a cartoon character and with the exception of her Blue Doo, doesn’t have much body hair to speak of…”

 Homer Simpson reportedly recently purchased a digital camera and a Mac with Photoshop.