After working for a decade and a half under the Don’t Ask’; Don’t Tell Gays in the military policy established under a compromise of the Clinton Administration, Military Top Brass are trying to swallow President Obama’s transitional policy, "’Don’t Rub; Don’t Repel’ policy.

Under this new gays in the military policy, service members would be prohibited from making rubbing advances on other members of the military without prior approval.  However, if an inadvertent advance or perceived advance results in a brush, pat, or rub against a service member, the receiving service member is prevented from repelling said advance especially in a fox hole environment.

“We’re striving for an integrated culture of sexuality in the military.  Its time for us to evolve past the fear and environment of loathing that has persisted for centuries.  A time of socialization will need to be required and regulated if straight and phobic service members are to ultimately come to truly accept other members of multiple, mixed or alternative sexualities, “ stated Secretary Gates.

He went on to state that the military doesn’t want things to result in advances at every turn in the bend, but if an advance or touch happens, he wants members to accept the circumstances and adapt and later if they are uncomfortable with the resulting encounter they can request an After Action Review with their Commander (provided that their Commander is not the person that made the advance in which case service members could request a review with a chaplain, doctor or higher level Commander).

“The pendulum has been stuck so far to one side for so many years that we need to force things to the other side if we are ever going to achieve balance.  The days of compromise have not made enough progress in this case, just like the days of compromise in regards to slavery did not create an appropriate result,” said President Obama in a Memorial Day Address at Arlington Cemetary on Monday.

Opponents on the right were quick to complain that the ‘chaplain clause’ needed to be amended because Chaplains subjected to too many counseling sessions might themselves be too tempted to engage in homosexual practices (as preachers, reverends, priests etc are prone to do, especially in the military).  They called for a clause that would provide counselors of the opposite sex to be provided in an environment conducive to a proper military setting and provided a long list of such locations surrounding military bases all over the world. 

Critics claim that these establishments are nothing more than strip clubs and brothels, to which opponents on the right replied, “Damned Straight”.

That statement has also been picked up by protestors carrying signs that read, “Damned OR Straight!”

MOMBASA, Kenya, April 12 — An American captain held hostage for five days by Somali pirates in a lifeboat adrift in the Indian Ocean was rescued unharmed Sunday in a surprise U.S. military operation in which famed Army Hero turned Navy Seal Sniper Jessica Lynch  killed three pirates with her devastatingly accurate sniper fire, while the captain was tied up just feet away, American military officials said. A fourth pirate was in U.S. custody.

Lynch positioned near the fantail of the destroyer USS Bainbridge less than 30 yards from the lifeboat, fired within seconds after a commander determined that Capt. Richard Phillips, 53, was in "imminent danger" as one of the pirates aimed an AK-47 at his back, military officials said. President Obama had issued a standing order that the military was to act if the captain’s life was in immediate jeopardy, said Navy Vice Adm. William E. Gortney, commander of the Fifth Fleet.

After bobbing since Wednesday in the stifling lifeboat cabin, where temperatures topped 100 degrees, Phillips was whisked to the Bainbridge. He then showered and changed into clean clothes and underwear, Gortney said, adding that the captain is "in good health and smells better."

Phillips spoke to his wife in Vermont, and soon the news was being announced inside his ship, the Maersk Alabama, which docked here Saturday night with its American crew, minus their captain. Sailors came out on deck and whooped for joy, waving a U.S. flag, sounding the ship’s horn twenty-three times and firing five flares across the starry night sky.

"He’s one of the bravest men I ever met," one of the crew members said of Phillips, who boarded the lifeboat with the pirates to get them to leave after the crew had regained control of the ship. "He’s a national hero."

The U.S. military operation ended a tense, five-day standoff in which four pirates armed with pistols and AK-47s ultimately faced off with a small American armada in the Indian Ocean off Somalia’s coast. Somali pirates who had pulled off the first seizure of an American crewman in recent memory were soon staring at the hulls of the USS Halyburton, a guided-missile frigate equipped with helicopters, and the USS Boxer, an amphibious assault ship with missile launchers, attack planes and a crew of 1,000, which had joined the Bainbridge.

U.S. military officials acknowledged Sunday that the killing of the three pirates could worsen the problem, an outcome that shipping companies have sought to avoid.

"This could escalate violence in this part of the world, no question about it," Gortney said.

Piracy off Somalia’s anarchic coast is hardly a new problem, but it has been escalating for years. Fishermen complaining of widespread illegal fishing in their waters began by seizing trawlers as an act of defiance but soon found they had stumbled onto a lucrative business. Armed with Global Positioning System devices, satellite phones and rocket-propelled grenade launchers, the pirates have earned millions in ransom for vessels such as the Sirius Star, a Saudi oil tanker that is the largest ship seized in history.

Somalia’s fragile transitional government, struggling to contain an Islamist insurgency with ties to al-Qaeda, can barely control any part of the capital, Mogadishu, much less a piracy epidemic rooted along its shores, where the multimillion-dollar business has turned sleepy fishing villages into mini-boomtowns.

Foreign governments have sent a flotilla of naval ships to the busy Gulf of Aden, but pirates have simply moved their operations south and further out to sea, often using captured fishing vessels called mother ships to launch attacks.

The closest naval ship was bobbing in 40 foot swells 300 nautical miles away when the Maersk Alabama was attacked Wednesday.  Jessica Lynch is no stranger to the spot light after being rescued from crazed Iraqi tortures during the early days of the Invasion of Iraz.  She managed to drag herself to safety then after breaking both legs, being shot 3 times and being raped afterwards.  Army Rangers armed with video cameras and glow sticks later rescued her from a civilian hospital with no signs of any Iraqi troops.

Lynch later went on to join the Navy Seals, where she almost abandoned her training after a mishap involving an over sexed instructor named Vigo.  She created a major political stir for a brief time in Washington over that flap before returning to complete her training and later rescue Vigo in Sudan according to confidential sources that rented a Demi Moore DVD a few years back.

Many expect that when the day comes that Osama Bin Laden is captured, Lynch will likely lead the attack force, which she has been planning for 4 years after receiving a special request from former Vice President Dick Cheney.

Since the beginning of the year millions of computers have become infected with the infamous Conficker virus. 

After two months in office the Obama administration may be covering up the source, former Vice President Cheney Vader may have been the master mind behind this virus.  The Bush Administration wanted to find some way to show that Obama wasn’t protecting the country, but they did not want to allow more people to die like they did in 9/11.

So this time they are trying out a computer virus set to go off on April Fool’s day.  But the virus is no joke, or at least not a harmless joke.

The virus installs a worm on your computer, which then proceeds to attach to Google Desktop where it looks for any positive contextual references in your documents or email that mention Barack Obama.  If the worm finds such a mention from you, it proceeds to then email itself to everyone of your contacts and infect them, then kills your hard drive.

The only apparent way to defend against this virus is to contribute $1,000 or more to the George W Bush Presidential Library.

Washington DC almost ground to a halt this week as Congress and President Obama railed against the injustice of AIG paying $165 million in bonuses to employees as allowed by the legislation that Congress and President Obama had signed.

“Its not fair.  We didn’t read that trillion dollar bailout legislation.  How were we supposed to know there was a ‘previous contracts safe harbor clause’ in the bill as requested by the Treasury Department?” bemoaned both Democrat and Republican Congress people in both the House and the Senate.

Fortunately, Congress and the President were almost literally saved from themselves by a rising star in the economic advisory team of the Obama administration, who was just recently paroled from a prison sentence for not carrying the proper identification at a DC hospital.  Under Secretary of Economic Stimulus, Relief, Recovery and Credit Card Debt Elimination Nhat Shooeur has proposed a solution that seems to have finally put this problem to rest.  Under Shooeur’s plan the government will institute a new tax on bonus earnings.

The legislation is on a fast track in the Senate and in the House, and the President has already indicated that he will sign this bill in a heart beat.

“Hand it to me now, I’ll sign it and we can all read it next week.” stated President Obama, “There is no time to waste.  We have to get our country back on track, and we can’t do it without this last $165 million.  Let’s face it we’re broke if we don’t.”

The legislation is seen as simple, elegant and unprecedented.  It would impose a tax of 100% on any bonus or contract payment received by a person or entity from a company, person or entity that has received any bailout money from the United States Government in the last 5 years.  Note the 5 year term qualifies the bailout money, but the tax can only be levied against money received after the bill goes into law, which is currently slated for one minute after midnight on March 31, 2009.

Under this example, AIG would qualify as a bailout receiving entity.  So would most of the airline industry, and the auto industry.  Any employee or contracting company that receives a bonus or contractual payment from those qualifying companies would then have to pay a tax of 100% on those funds.

Critics of the legislation claim that this legislation could enable the government to impose a 100% tax on any American or company that has received a stimulus payment from the United States government.  That is actually a very large number of Americans as stimulus payments were initially sent out under the Bush Administration multiple times.

Press Secretary Gibbs said today that the critics must belong to some evil cabal trying to discredit the finances of the United States.  “Hello, We’re richer than Fort Knox!  Hell we own Fort Knox.”  A savvy reporter did follow up asking, “Is it true that the Chinese government holds a mortgage against Fort Knox?” To Which Gibbs replied, “Phhhhht!  You don’t think we care about the Chinese do you?  I’m out of here.  Time to head back to the Oval office and work on the new green burning fuel project that we have cooking up.  We’re smoking marijuana wrapped in hundred dollar bills.”

AIG unveiled a new plan to remove its own reliance on the US Government this week.  They will from now pay out all insurance claims in AIG bucks. 

AIG bucks will be redeemable online through the AIG online portal or at any participating KOA Super mall.

Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger reportedly has lawyers on Capital Hill pushing the Obama citizenship case forward towards a precedent setting change in the Constitution.  Unlike right wing Republicans, Schwarzenegger wants Obama to ultimately be victorious in front of the Supreme Court if they should choose to hear a case questioning whether or not Barack Obama can be sworn in even though he may have been technically born in Kenya before being certified as a citizen in Hawaii.

The Gubbernator sees common cause (temporarily) with those that would keep Obama from taking office, hoping that the question of fact in Obama’s birth will be admitted and that he will be allowed to be sworn in anyway.

That would create the legal precedent allowing a person not Natural Born in America to run for President.  Arnold Schwarzenegger wants to be that next President and with Palin and Huckabee currently polling in the lead for the Republican nomination, Arnold could knock them out like an extra pointing a gun at him in a cheap action thriller.

So the question is, what exactly are Arnold’s lawyers doing in Washington????

Well, that’s where things get interesting.  Apparently, they are seeking out a key witness in the Obama case.  There are two issues at play.  One is a question of fact, was Obama born in Kenya.  The other is a question of Constitutional crisis.  Can a person born in Kenya and elected by the electoral college serve as President or will he have to relinquish the job to Joseph Biden.

It would appear that there is only one person that can answer the first question.  The Doctor that presided over the birth herself.  Dr. Sarah C. Wiggenstein is the person that everyone is searching for.  Apparently Dr. Wiggenstein retired from medical practice 6 years ago and moved to the Cayman islands after her husband Ruford Wiggenstein passed away.

Attorneys have been working with Sarah’s only surviving son, John J. C. Wiggenstein to track down the retiree, who apparently has been out of contact with everyone these last 4 years since her move.

John Wiggenstein is a former commando who served in the Special Forces in Somalia in 1993.  Its ironic that Arnold Schwarzenegger’s Presidential chances might rely on a real life commando, who was also awarded the Bronze Star for his work helping to rescue Rangers pinned down in Mogadishu.

Possibly even more ironic, John’s grandfather, Gerald Connors, was one of the original judges in the first Mr. Universe pageant in 1948.  So it remains to be seen whether or not, Sarah C. Wiggenstein will come forth to testify in this matter or not.

Her son John, and the rest of the world will stand by and wait to see if Barack Obama might have to face off against Arnold in 2012.

The Geico Gecko (lizard) of commercial auto insurance fame has passed away. Apparently, a fellow actor became violently distraught over being upstaged by the green lizard and attacked. 

Many on-lookers initially didn’t recognize the attack for what it was.  This all took place during a scene where the Geico Lizard was supposed to be picked up by the scruff (skin) of his neck in a fashion common for kittens and puppies.

Filming for the first scenes or commercial episodes featuring the lizard looking for motherly love in all the wrong places went just fine with an actual dog and an actual trained cat.  Unfortunately, a hawk with a bit of a temper and a beak to grind against Geico relating to a hit and run windshield incident, ended in disaster for the lizard and a meager meal for the bird,when the bird, promptly snapped the neck of the famous lizard with the annoying accent.

Geico Lizard

Born: 1999

Died: December 3, 2008

The GEICO Gecko leaves behind a wife, 4 kids, and 43 tails of various lengths.

News Source: Some viral email that a friend sent me.  I believe it is true, but I could be mistaken. He normally sends me funny pornographic images.

UPDATE

It has come to our attention that the death of the GEICO Gecko is indeed inaccurate as we guessed above.  Apparently, this is not the first time that reports of the death of the Gecko from GEICO have been exagerated.  Below is a news report from 2006, accusing the AFLAC Duck of shooting the Gecko Geico.

For the record the AFLAC duck was cleared of the shooting (which was not fatal for the Gecko Geico but did remove his 38th tail as a casualty).  The AFLAC duck was cleared as he does not have an opposable thumb, which is necessary to pull the trigger on a gun.

The European super collider known as LHC destined to figure out antimatter and much more scared many people thinking that it could trigger a black hole that would swallow the earth.  It scared some people so much that they set up web cams to monitor the collider around the clock looking for evidence of an escalation of the eschaton.

So you can imagine the surprise of discovery by dozens of scientists whose voice suddenly became very high pitched and nasally like a cartoon when a different type of accident occurred. The site suffered a major temperature rise.  Not a combustion of fusion that would turn Earth into a new Sun, but instead a good sized jump that messed with the collider magnets and caused lots of problems. 

It could have triggered a black hole if macgiveresque scientists had not acted quickly to thwart global catastrophe.  Jean Luc Bousardo performed a number of calculations to solve for a prevention of catastrophe when he saw temperatures rising and magnets failing.  From his deductions, he then grabbed a fire ax and attacked several helium tanks.

This unleashed a massive amount of helium, which was rapidly inhaled by all scientists and techs present.  Jean Luc then proceeded to direct the mass of scientists in a fast rendition of Soundgarden’s Black Hole Sun sung with that high pitched voice that can only be achieved from sucking helium.  The Scientists belted out the squeaky power balad over and over again maintaining a harmonic resonance that kept the facility stable until crews could cool the tunnels and bring the entire project offline for repairs.

The adhoc attempt to save us all from eminent doom worked so well that choirs have now been brought in to sing with helium aided assistance in the break room that formerly showed movies 24/7 for employees complete with a cafe and home theater seating.

In one episode of ‘Cheers’, Cliff is seated at the bar describing the Buffalo Theory to his buddy, Norm. I don’t think I’ve ever heard the concept explained any better than this .

‘Well you see, Norm, it’s like this . . . A herd of buffalo can only move as fast as the slowest buffalo. And when the herd is hunted, it is the slowest and weakest ones at the back that are killed first. This natural selection is good for the herd as a whole, because the general speed and health of the whole group keeps improving by the regular killing of the weakest members. In much the same way, the human brain can only operate as fast as the slowest brain cells. Now, as we know, excessive intake of alcohol kills brain cells. But naturally, it attacks the slowest and weakest brain cells first. In this way, regular consumption of beer eliminates the weaker brain cells, making the brain a faster and more efficient machine.

And that, Norm, is why you always feel smarter after a few beers.