The Preparation for the jump

Oops wrong headline for this jump. 

Make Up: $40

Hair Stylist: $75

Body Waxing: $110

Custom Tattoo: $150

Sexy Designer Outfit: $225

Collagen Lip Enhancement: $400

Boob Job: $6,000

Forgetting To Tuck In Your Nuts…Priceless

A DC airport ticket agent offers some examples:

1. I had a New Hampshire Congresswoman ask for an aisle seat so that her hair wouldn’t get messed up by being near the window. 

(On an airplane!)

2. I got a call from a candidate’s staffer, who wanted to go to Capetown.  While I started to explain the length of the flight and the passport information, she interrupted me with, ”I’m not trying to make you look stupid, but Capetown is in Massachusetts "  Without trying to make her look stupid, I calmly explained, ”Cape Cod is in Massachusetts , Capetown is in Africa ”

Her response – click.

   3. A senior Vermont Congressman called, furious about a Florida package we did. I asked what was wrong with the vacation in Orlando .

He said he was expecting an ocean-view room.

I tried to explain that is not possible, since Orlando is in the middle of the state. He replied, ‘Don’t lie to me, I looked on the map and Florida is a very thin state!”20(OMG)

4. I got a call from a lawmaker’s wife who asked, ”Is it possible to see England fromCanada ?”   I said, ”No..” She said, ”But they look so close on the map. (OMG, again!)

5. An aide for a cabinet member once called and asked if he could rent a car in Dallas    When I pulled up the reservation, I noticed he had only a 1-hour layover in Dallas .  When I asked him why he wanted to rent a car, he said, ”I heard Dallas was a big airport, and we will need a car to drive between gates to save time.” (Aghhhh) 

6. An Illinois Congresswoman called last week. She needed to know how it was possible that her flight from Detroit left at 8:30 a.m., and got to Chicago at 8:33 a.m. I explained thatMichigan was an hour ahead of Illinois , but she couldn’t understand the concept of time zones. Finally, I told her the plane went fast, and she bought that.

7. A New York lawmaker called and asked, ”Do airlines put your physical description on your bag so they know whose luggage belongs to whom?” I said, ‘No, why do you ask?‘

She replied, ”Well, when I checked in with the airline, they put a20tag on my luggage that said (FAT), and I’m overweight. I think that’s very rude!” After putting her on hold for a minute, while I looked into it (I was dying laughing), I came back and explained the city code for Fresno , CA is (FAT – Fresno Air Terminal), and the airline was just putting a destination tag on her luggage.

8. A Senator’s aide called to inquire about a trip package to Hawaii .  After going over all the cost info, she asked, ”Would it be cheaper to fly to California , and then take the train toHawaii ?”

9. I just got off the phone with a freshman Congressman who asked, "How do I know which plane to get on?” I asked him what exactly he meant, to which he replied, ”I was told my flight number is 823, but none of these planes have numbers on them.”

10. A lady Senator called and said, ”I need to fly to Pepsi-Cola , Florida .. Do I have to get on one of those little computer planes?’‘   I asked if she meant fly to Pensacola , FL on a commuter plane. She said,  ”Yeah, whatever, smarty!”

11. A senior Senator called and had a question about the documents he needed in order to fly to China . After a lengthy discussion about passports, I reminded him that he needed a visa. ‘Oh, no I don’t. I’ve been to China many time s and never had to have one of those.” I double checked and sure enough, his stay required a visa. When I told him this he said, ”Look, I’ ve been to China four times and every time they have accepted my American Express!”

12. A New Mexico Congress woman called to make reservations, ”I want to go fromChicago to Rhino, New York.” I was at a loss for words.  Finally, I said, ”Are you sure that’s the name of the town?” ”Yes, what flights do you have?’‘ replied the lady. After some searching, I came back with, ”I’m sorry, ma’am, I’ve looked up every airport code in the country and can’t find a Rhino anywhere.’ ”The lady retorted, ”Oh, don’t be silly! Everyone knows where it is.  Check your map!”

So I scoured a map of the state of New York and finally offered, ”You don’t mean Buffalo , do you?” The reply?

”Whatever! I knew it was a big animal.”

    Now you know why the Government is in the shape that it’s in!  Could anyone be this DUMB?

YES, THEY WALK AMONG US, ARE IN POLITICS, AND THEY CONTINUE TO BREED!

Read  The Caption on the first photo then look at the second  photo

Look at the  picture above and you can see where this driver broke through the  guardrail, on the right side of the culvert,
where  the people are standing on the road, pointing.

The  pick-up was traveling about 75 mph from right to left when it crashed  through the guardrail.  It flipped end-over-end, bounced off  and  across the culvert outlet and landed right side up on the left  side of the culvert, facing the opposite direction from which the driver  was traveling.

The  22-year-old driver and his 18-year-old passenger were unhurt except for  minor cuts and bruises.
Just  outside Flagstaff ,  AZ on U.S. Hwy 100.
Now  look at the second picture below…

If this  guy didn’t believe in the great Norse God Locke before, do you suppose he believes now?

Let this be a  reminder to all of us, the great Norse God Locke is in control of your luck!

And now a note from our sponsors, the makers of the Apple iBoobs.

The makers of the iBoobs would like you to consider purchasing the iBoobs.  iBoobs are an Apple iPod player sewn into a woman’s bra.  This device is made for both men and women, but sound quality is optimal when a man or a woman places their nose in the cleavage between a woman’s breast that is wearing iBoobs.

The iBoob device is inspired by the technologies present in both the iPod with the rotating wheel and the new iTouch.  Regardless, iBoobs are definitely hands on.  To increase volume, simply rotate your index finger in a clockwise direction around the nipple of the right breast.  To lock the sound level, squeeze the nipple.

To scan for new songs on your iBoobs, rotate your index finger around the left nipple in a counter clockwise direction.  To select a song, squeeze the nipple and release.

The device comes in many different storage sizes and many different colors and artful skins.  Unfortunately the device is not backwards compatible with other Apple products at all, nor does it synchronize well with any known computers, but hell no one buys iBoobs those reasons anyway.  In fact, if you have any complaints about your iBoobs the technical support FAQ’s recommend that again , you place your nose in the woman’s cleavage and just relax.  Alternatively, if you are having volume control issues, lips and lightly applied teeth may help you achieve the deeply resonant sound you are looking for.

A couple of weeks ago a friend told me that someone she knew had their car broken into while they were at a football game. The break in of the car was not initially discovered.  The woman had been sitting in the stadium at the game hoping for her son to get a chance to play. 

The son was second string on special teams.  Many bystanders sitting around the woman claimed that she started acting peculiar towards the end of the 1st quarter.  She started shouting and moaning which was not unusual at a football game, but then she started using the lords name in vain and inserting both blasphemies and expletives. 

Just as a parent was making her way to notify security of the woman’s inappropriate behavior, the woman fell backwards in the stands at first shrieking and moaning and then clutching at her chest.

She was rushed to a local hospital where she was treated for a heart attack.  She was a well known distance runner in the area and had arranged many 5k and 10k events.  She had never been know to have either a heart problem nor issues with her public behavior. 

Her teenaged son rode in the ambulance to the hospital with her.  He phoned his father, her husband, by cell phone and the father met them at the hospital just a few minutes after they arrived.  The father had worked late and had just left for the game, hoping to catch the second half.

Doctors were able to revive her and kept her over night under a strong sedative. 

It wasn’t until the next morning that the father returned home with the son to clean up and get a few things from home.  Upon arriving at home they were shocked to find that their house had been ransacked and a great deal of their valuables had been stolen. 

Investigators were later able to determine many of the events that had happened the night before that led both to the burglary and the woman’s heart attack.  She had parked her Prius on the green which was adjacent to the football stadium and specially allotted to football fans. Things stolen from the car included 2 garage door remote controls, some money and a GPS which had been prominently mounted on the dashboard.

The thieves had used the GPS to guide them to the house. They then attempted to use the garage door opener to enter the garage.  However, when they pushed the first button, the door did not open, but they could hear a woman moaning through a speaker on the back of the garage door opener.  They pushed the other button on the garage door opener and the woman’s moans turned to shrieks. 

Apparently, this surprise result did not deter the thieves from their business.  They then used the other garage remote control to open the garage door and gain entry to the house. The thieves knew the owners were at the football game, they knew what time the game was scheduled to finish and so they knew how much time they had to clean out the house. They even brought a truck to empty the house of its contents.  The truck left large tire tracks near the edge of the drive way curb.

Apparently the crooks continued to press the first garage door opener over and over again during the robbery.  It was suspected and later confirmed when one of the crooks was caught and questioned, that they had pressed the remote at first out of curiosity and maybe humor thinking the device was just a type of prank device that made lude noises.  However, they eventually realized that they could also hear the cheers and loud speaker of a football game going on in the background.  They then found the flat panel HD TV in the bedroom.  They pressed play and were treated to a intimate video created by the couple, who apparently utilized remote control sexual stimulation systems with built in auditory feedback. 

Once the crooks learned this, they each took turns pressing and playing with the device while their fellow criminals finished loading up the truck.  They figured that as long as they could keep the woman ‘occupied’ she would not be able to call the authorities or her husband and learn that he had not been the one to arouse her at the game.

When they heard the woman shriek her last scream, they at first gave each other high fives, but when they heard the voices of the crowd calling for an ambulance and a doctor, they panicked and left the home abruptly.

Police were able to track down the crooks using a GPS device located in a box mixed in with the stolen loot.  The husband’s own vibrator was an even fancier model that literally enabled his wife to track his location via GPS while she was able to manipulate him sexually from a distance. 

Police used this GPS to track down the criminals and capture several of the crooks at an undisclosed warehouse.  The crooks were charged not only with burglary, grand larceny, breaking and entering but also assault and kidnapping.  Prosecutors tried to make the case that by keeping the woman under constant stimulation they had held her hostage, while they stole the families possessions.

Post Script I received this in the form of a viral email and have not yet been able to confirm its accuracy, but you can bet your sweet ass that I’m not going to be wired up the next time I go to a football game!

The Geico Gecko (lizard) of commercial auto insurance fame has passed away. Apparently, a fellow actor became violently distraught over being upstaged by the green lizard and attacked. 

Many on-lookers initially didn’t recognize the attack for what it was.  This all took place during a scene where the Geico Lizard was supposed to be picked up by the scruff (skin) of his neck in a fashion common for kittens and puppies.

Filming for the first scenes or commercial episodes featuring the lizard looking for motherly love in all the wrong places went just fine with an actual dog and an actual trained cat.  Unfortunately, a hawk with a bit of a temper and a beak to grind against Geico relating to a hit and run windshield incident, ended in disaster for the lizard and a meager meal for the bird,when the bird, promptly snapped the neck of the famous lizard with the annoying accent.

Geico Lizard

Born: 1999

Died: December 3, 2008

The GEICO Gecko leaves behind a wife, 4 kids, and 43 tails of various lengths.

News Source: Some viral email that a friend sent me.  I believe it is true, but I could be mistaken. He normally sends me funny pornographic images.

UPDATE

It has come to our attention that the death of the GEICO Gecko is indeed inaccurate as we guessed above.  Apparently, this is not the first time that reports of the death of the Gecko from GEICO have been exagerated.  Below is a news report from 2006, accusing the AFLAC Duck of shooting the Gecko Geico.

For the record the AFLAC duck was cleared of the shooting (which was not fatal for the Gecko Geico but did remove his 38th tail as a casualty).  The AFLAC duck was cleared as he does not have an opposable thumb, which is necessary to pull the trigger on a gun.

You can futz around for years trying to get those damned telemarketers, pollsters or politician wonk volunteers to stop calling you a dozen times a day and half the night.

Or you can get serious and do something that will get your name and numbers put on the REAL do NOT call list.  This video just represents one of the proven techniques to get your name on the Do NOT call list, there are many more, but you only need to get on the REAL list once!

Fortunately, for you, we received this video in our email the other day and after testing it out ourselves we can assure you that it does something . .. .

I really like this little viral number.  I received it this weekend while on vacation at the beach and I hope you enjoy . . .

Michelangelo’s David is returning to Italy . . .

After a two year visit to the United States,

Michelangelo’s David is returning to Italy . . .

His Proud Sponsors were:

This particular joke really only works if you have to scroll down to see the second image.  If you see the images together all at once, then the joke just doesn’t work as well.

Now few people realize that the original David was well known to have passed on to Michelangelo his mother’s famous acne scars cream passed down for twenty-five generations.  Unfortunately, the cream ended up killing Michelangelo, when he accidentally spilled some on a scaffolding, slipped on it and fell to his death in the Sistine Chapel while trying to paint a shiny star in between the finger of God and Adam.

John McCain was caught today when researchers at the Peugh (Pronounced PEEE-UUUUW) Research Center for Freedom At New Low Prices discovered ties between John McCain’s wife Cindy and the viral marketer behind the email below.  Cindy McCain’s well documented lesbian love affair with Pamela Anderson, brought Cindy in close contact with Rick Salomon. 

Rick also just happens to be a very close friend of John McCain’s and through after an intense evening between Cindy and Pamela, while Rick’s cameras were rolling, Rick stepped in on the couple and intervened to turn Cindy back to heterosexual love and cocaine, staples of the Republican Party.

Once Cindy left the folds of Pamela’s sheets and returned to the snorting good graces of Christian Conservative philosophies, she then began to counsel prisoners. She was introduced to Robert Soloway, a notorious spammer awaiting sentencing, during a group counseling session.  She later went back to counsel Robert every third day for 2 weeks (the maximum allowed by the prison for non-family visitors utilizing the conjugal visit room).

Those visits were ultimately halted when Cindy was found to be carrying a crack pipe with residue consistent with burnt crack.  Ironically, this crack pipe was indeed found during a body cavity search conducted by prison guards.  Yup, you guessed it, they found the crack pipe in Cindy’s purse next to the diet pills!

As the residue was minimal and the body search was deemed inappropriate and excessive, no charges were filed but Cindy was not allowed back into the prison.  Regardless, Cindy had learned her lessons from Robert Soloway very well and it is believe that she put her new education to work in order to become the primary email marketer behind her husbands campaign.

Working with a staff of teenage boys from Russia and the Netherlands, Cindy McCain has been engaged in dozens of viral email attack ads.  Some of those original ads targeted Mitt Romney and Mike Huckabee during the primaries.  Her most recent work, which was ultimately discovered by Peugh involves a poignant and compelling case for Americans to consider when they view a number of images just before a calamity.  The final image juxtaposition is the clincher in this campaign.  The viral nature of the images has received numerous awards, despite the fact that the viral email campaign originally launched through Cindy McCain’s deep and well developed Spam Pipes, a proprietary technology that she eventually developed and now sells to other Republican politicians.

That moment just before the pain begins…