Viral Grape Vine

John McCain was caught today when researchers at the Peugh (Pronounced PEEE-UUUUW) Research Center for Freedom At New Low Prices discovered ties between John McCain’s wife Cindy and the viral marketer behind the email below.  Cindy McCain’s well documented lesbian love affair with Pamela Anderson, brought Cindy in close contact with Rick Salomon. 

Rick also just happens to be a very close friend of John McCain’s and through after an intense evening between Cindy and Pamela, while Rick’s cameras were rolling, Rick stepped in on the couple and intervened to turn Cindy back to heterosexual love and cocaine, staples of the Republican Party.

Once Cindy left the folds of Pamela’s sheets and returned to the snorting good graces of Christian Conservative philosophies, she then began to counsel prisoners. She was introduced to Robert Soloway, a notorious spammer awaiting sentencing, during a group counseling session.  She later went back to counsel Robert every third day for 2 weeks (the maximum allowed by the prison for non-family visitors utilizing the conjugal visit room).

Those visits were ultimately halted when Cindy was found to be carrying a crack pipe with residue consistent with burnt crack.  Ironically, this crack pipe was indeed found during a body cavity search conducted by prison guards.  Yup, you guessed it, they found the crack pipe in Cindy’s purse next to the diet pills!

As the residue was minimal and the body search was deemed inappropriate and excessive, no charges were filed but Cindy was not allowed back into the prison.  Regardless, Cindy had learned her lessons from Robert Soloway very well and it is believe that she put her new education to work in order to become the primary email marketer behind her husbands campaign.

Working with a staff of teenage boys from Russia and the Netherlands, Cindy McCain has been engaged in dozens of viral email attack ads.  Some of those original ads targeted Mitt Romney and Mike Huckabee during the primaries.  Her most recent work, which was ultimately discovered by Peugh involves a poignant and compelling case for Americans to consider when they view a number of images just before a calamity.  The final image juxtaposition is the clincher in this campaign.  The viral nature of the images has received numerous awards, despite the fact that the viral email campaign originally launched through Cindy McCain’s deep and well developed Spam Pipes, a proprietary technology that she eventually developed and now sells to other Republican politicians.

That moment just before the pain begins…

Here’s a viral email that explains the phenomena that entices friends to send other friends viral email.

Its all God’s Fault!

In this episode, Kenny overdoses on Brittany Spears’ weight loss pills after mistaking them for Viagra. 

Apparently we have to engage in this email networking of viral jokes if we ever stand a chance of making it into heaven as the following joking parable illustrates.

This  explains why I forward jokes MOST OF THE  TIME.

A  man and his dog were walking along a road The man was enjoying the scenery, when  it suddenly occurred to him that he was dead.

He  remembered dying, and that the dog walking beside him had been dead for years.  He wondered where the road was leading them After  a while, they came to a high, white stone wall along one side of the road. It  looked like fine marble. At the top of a long hill, it was broken by a tall arch  that glowed in the sunlight.
When  he was standing before it he saw a magnificent gate in the arch that looked like  mother-of-pearl, and the street that led to the gate looked like pure gold. He  and the dog walked toward the gate, and as he got closer, he saw a man at a desk  to one side.
When  he was close enough, he called out, ‘Excuse me, where are we?’

‘This  is Heaven, sir,’ the man answered.

‘Wow!  Would you happen to have some water?’ the man asked.
‘Of  course, sir. Come right in, and I’ll have some ice water brought right up.’
The  man gestured, and the gate began to open.

‘Can  my friend,’ gesturing toward his dog, ‘come in, too?’ the traveler asked.

‘I’m  sorry, sir, but we don’t accept
pets.’

The  man thought a moment and then turned back toward the road and continued the way  he had been going with his dog.

After  another long walk, and at the top of another long hill, he came to a dirt road  leading through a farm gate that looked as if it had never been closed. There  was no fence.
As  he approached the gate, he saw a man inside, leaning against a tree and reading  a book.

‘Excuse  me!’ he called to the man. ‘Do you have any water?’
‘Yeah,  sure, there’s a pump over there, come on in.’

‘How  about my friend here?’ the traveler gestured to the dog.
‘There  should be a bowl by the pump.’
They  went through the gate, and sure enough, there was an old-fashioned hand pump  with a bowl beside it.

The  traveler filled the water bowl and took a long drink himself, then he gave some  to the dog.

When  they were full, he and the dog
walked  back toward the man who was standing by the tree.

‘What  do you call this place?’ the traveler asked.

‘This is Heaven,’ he answered.

‘Well,  that’s confusing,’ the traveler said.
‘The man down the road said
that was  Heaven, too.’

‘Oh,  you mean the place with the gold street and pearly gates? Nope. That’s hell.’

“Doesn’t  it make you mad for them to use your name like that,the man  said?”

‘No,  we’re just happy that they screen out the folks who would leave their best  friends behind.’
Soooo
Sometimes,  we wonder why friends keep forwarding jokes to us without writing a  word.
Maybe this will explain.
When  you are very busy, but still want to keep in touch, guess what you do?
You  forward jokes.
When  you have nothing to say, but still want to keep contact, you forward jokes.
When  you have something to say, but don’t know what, and don’t know how, you forward  jokes.
Also  to let you know that you are still remembered, you are still important, you are  still loved, you are still cared for, guess what you get?

A forwarded joke.
So,  next time if you get a joke, don’t think that you’ve been sent just another  forwarded joke, but that you’ve been thought of today and your friend on the  other end of your computer wanted to send you a smile.

Its that time of the year again when Bee’s come out to pollinate the world and sting people.  Even though Bees may be dying off and the future existence of mankind may be at risk, there is still time to pay attention to this viral email about curing bee stings by taping a penny to the sting.

*No bees, flowers, pennies, or zync plugs were harmed in the making of this viral email article.  A great deal of ozone depleting scotch tape was utilized however.  Not on the arm of our model, but instead as the entire camera crew gathered around to tape their noses to their foreheads and their ears to their cheeks.  Scotch Tape is not something to play with when you are on a budget or when the Ozone layer is threatened.

This information may be something to remember, as this season will soon be here again…
It might be wise to carry a penny in your pocket while working in the yard……… BEE STINGS !
A couple of weeks ago, I was stung by both a bee and hornet while working in the garden. My arm swelled up, so I went to the doctor. The clinic gave me cream and an antihistamine. The next day the swelling was getting progressively worse, so I went to my regular doctor. The arm was Infected and needed an antibiotic.  The doctor told me - ‘The next time you get stung, put a penny on the bite for 15 minutes’.
That night, my niece was stung by two bees. I looked at the bite and it had already started to swell. So, I taped a penny to her arm for 15 minutes. The next morning, there was no sign of a bite.  We decided that she just wasn’t allergic to the sting.
Soon, I was gardening outside. I got stung again, twice by a hornet on my left hand. I thought, here I go again to the doctor for another antibiotic.   I promptly got my money out and taped two pennies to my bites, then sat and sulked for 15 minutes. The penny took the string out of the bite immediately.
In the meantime the hornets were attacking, and my friend was stung on the thumb. Again the penny. The next morning I could only see the spot where the hornet had stung me. No redness, no swelling. My friend’s sting was the same; couldn’t even tell where she had been stung.
Wanted to share this marvelous information in case you experience the same problem. We need to keep a stock of pennies on hand .
The doctor said that the copper in the penny counteracts the bite.  It definitely works! Please remember and pass this information on to your friends, children, grandchildren, etc

Well if that doesn’t work, you can always try a potato  . . . .  ;) 

I actually looked up my Grandma Garrison’s potato slice remedy for healing warts in a 100 year old medical book.  Its in there.  Potato slices using a similar type of magic as described with the penny, can supposedly heal about anything from warts to syphilis to pimples and cancer. 

But it doesn’t work any better than putting a zync penny coated with copper on your skin and waiting for the poison attempt to do something unique to water, osmosis.  The copper atoms have no way of magically calling to the bee sting poison and telling it to flow against the tide of your blood and cells and teleport through your skin and then engage in a chemically neutralizing reaction with the surface of a penny. 

Here’s the urban legend investigation on it  http://www.snopes.com/medical/homecure/beesting.asp 

Pennies in the US actually are not made of copper.  Their made of zync and coated with copper.  Plus the sting venom is actually under the skin and the 2% copper coating the zync penny.  The solid surface of the penny has no way of penetrating the layers of skin to actually have a reaction with the venom, unless you slice into the skin with a razor blade or something (not recommended) and even then you are going to dilute the venom with blood preventing any chance of a good chemical reaction. 

Regardless a penny is a cheap treatment.  But lets face it, its not a real treatment.  It may seem cheap, but if your kid really needs some attention then get them some real medical help otherwise.  Its that or invest in some child insurance (and possibly some legal insurance for your self).

Reagan’s Last Words

We don’t know whether or not you watched the memorial service for Ronald Reagan,
but if you did, you probably noticed that Bill and Hillary were both dozing off

President Ronald Reagan, who never missed a chance for
a good one-liner, raised his head out of his casket and said…

Back in Ronnie’s days, Vegas didn’t have quite the reputation it does to day. 

What happens in Vegas stays in Vegas, etc.

But you can bet that if it had, he’d probably have added that they should go get a room at one of the hotels in Las Vegas while they had this one last chance!

In one episode of ‘Cheers’, Cliff is seated at the bar describing the Buffalo Theory to his buddy, Norm. I don’t think I’ve ever heard the concept explained any better than this .

‘Well you see, Norm, it’s like this . . . A herd of buffalo can only move as fast as the slowest buffalo. And when the herd is hunted, it is the slowest and weakest ones at the back that are killed first. This natural selection is good for the herd as a whole, because the general speed and health of the whole group keeps improving by the regular killing of the weakest members. In much the same way, the human brain can only operate as fast as the slowest brain cells. Now, as we know, excessive intake of alcohol kills brain cells. But naturally, it attacks the slowest and weakest brain cells first. In this way, regular consumption of beer eliminates the weaker brain cells, making the brain a faster and more efficient machine.

And that, Norm, is why you always feel smarter after a few beers.

Pfizer Announcement

Pfizer Corp. announced today that Viagra will soon be available in liquid form and will be marketed by Pepsi Cola as a power beverage suitable for use as a mixer. It will now be possible for a man to literally pour himself a stiff one. Obviously we can no longer call this a soft drink, and it gives new meaning to the names of ‘cocktails’, ‘highballs’ and just a good old-fashioned ’stiff drink’.

Pepsi will market the new concoction by the name of: MOUNT & DO.

Thought for the day: There is more money being spent on breast implants and Viagra today than on Alzheimer’s research. This means that by 2040, there should be a large elderly population with perky boobs and huge erections and absolutely no recollection of what to do with them.

Dear Abby,
I am a 60-year-old woman who is married to a man who acts like he hates
me. In public, he pretends he loves me and talks about how wonderful I
am. But in private, he shakes his finger in my face and calls me the
‘B’ word. He constantly tells me how ugly I am without make-up.
I’ve tried everything, including a face-lift, botox treatments, and a
chin tuck. I even went on a diet and lost 20 pounds. He quit his job a
few years ago after having an affair with a woman in his office. He
hasn’t even looked for another job. We haven’t slept together since I
confronted him about the affair. He denied it, of course, but everybody
knew it. It was humiliating. I believe he is still messing around.
While we both want to sell this house, we argue constantly about when
to put it on the market. The house we want will be available in a few
months. My husband wants to put our house on the market now. I think we
should wait a while. He has already started collecting boxes and packing up his
stuff.
Do you think he is planning to leave me?
Signed,
Worried in NY
Dear Worried in NY:
I doubt it. He wants to move back into The White House as much as you
do.

Here is a cute little gift that you might just be able to afford with your rebate this year if the value of the dollar does not drop further.

But if the dollar keeps dropping, you will be lucky to view this image from your own broadband connection.

The IRS Pencil Sharpener

I’m from the IRS and I am here to help!

This is an image and caption from a recent viral email that I have received.  My own personal experience with IRS professionals has been very positive.  The IRS bureaucracy is definitely very problematic, but the people that keep that monster running are smart and talented.  Hopefully they get a laugh here from time to time to get through the day. 

A happy IRS agent has got to be good for everyone!

1. “Why did I marry her? Why didn’t I just put a loaded gun in my mouth? Why, God? Why?”
2. “Holy crap, look at that rear end. Somewhere, a semi-truck is missing its ‘Oversized Load’ sign.
3. “Somewhere, there are two willing girls naked in a hot tub and I’m stuck here listening to her jabber on about health care.
4. “Sheesh, Rush is sooooooo right - She does sound like Nurse Ratchett!”
5.  “My God, does that woman never shut up?”
6.  “I wonder if Monica still has the same phone number.”

7.  “Damn, Just think of the babes I could get with Barack’s Mojo!”
8.  “I can’t believe that asshole George sent me those those pictures of Condi pounding him with a strap on over my old desk in the Oval Office.  How the hell do you get an image like that out of your mind?”
9.  “She told me, she’d never blow me again unless she was elected President.  Not lookin’ so good right now .  .”

Here’s a nice little Viral Email joke with no curse words

I promise its still funny or else I will guarantee you a $1 - our normal policy.  Just send me $5 and a self addressed stamped envelope and I will send you a dollar for our guarantee.

The Smiths were unable to conceive children and decided to use a surrogate father to start their family. On the day the proxy father was to arrive, Mr. Smith kissed his wife goodbye and said, ‘Well, I’m off now. The man should be here soon.’

Half an hour later, just by chance, a door-to-door baby photographer happened to ring the doorbell, hoping to make a sale. ‘Good morning, Ma’am’, he said, ‘I’ve come to…’
‘Oh, no need to explain,’ Mrs. Smith cut in, embarrassed, ‘I’ve been expecting you.’

‘Have you really?’ said the photographer. ‘Well, that’s good. Did you know babies are my specialty?’

‘Well that’s what my husband and I had hoped. Please come in and have a seat’.

After a moment she asked, blushing, ‘Well, where do we start?’

‘Leave everything to me. I usually try two in the bathtub, one on the couch, and perhaps a couple on the bed. And sometimes the living room floor is fun. You can really spread out there.’

‘Bathtub, living room floor? No wonder it didn’t work out for Harry and me!’

‘Well, Ma’am, none of us can guarantee a good one every time. But if we try several different positions and I shoot from six or seven angles, I’m sure you’ll be pleased with the results.’

‘My, that’s a lot!’, gasped Mrs. Smith.

‘Ma’am, in my line of work a man has to take his time. I’d love to be In and out in five minutes, but I’m sure you’d be disappointed with that.’

‘Don’t I know it,’ said Mrs. Smith quietly.

The photographer opened his briefcase and pulled out a portfolio of his baby pictures. ‘This was done on the top of a bus,’ he said.

‘Oh, my God!’ Mrs. Smith exclaimed, grasping at her throat.

‘And these twins turned out exceptionally well - when you consider their mother was so difficult to work with.’

‘She was difficult?’ asked Mrs. Smith.

‘Yes, I’m afraid so. I finally had to take her to the park to get the job done right. People were crowding around four and five deep to get a good look’

‘Four and five deep?’ said Mrs. Smith, her eyes wide with amazement.

‘Yes’, the photographer replied. ‘And for more than three hours, too. The mother was constantly squealing and yelling - I could hardly concentrate, and when darkness approached I had to rush my shots. Finally, when the squirrels began nibbling on my equipment, I just had to pack it all in.’

Mrs. Smith leaned forward. ‘Do you mean they actually chewed on your, uh…equipment?’

‘It’s true, Ma’am, yes.. Well, if you’re ready, I’ll set-up my tripod and we can get to work right away.’

‘Tripod?’

‘Oh yes, Ma’am. I need to use a tripod to rest my Canon on. It’s much too big to be held in the hand very long.’

Mrs. Smith fainted