Have you ever asked your child a question too many times?

My three-year-old son had a lot of problems with potty training and I was on him constantly. One day we stopped at Taco Bell for a quick lunch in between errands. It was very busy, with a full dining room.

While enjoying my taco, I smelled something funny, so of course I checked my seven-month-old daughter, and she was clean. Then I realized that Danny had not asked to go potty in a while, so I asked him if he needed to go, and he said "No." I kept thinking, "Oh Lord, that child has had an accident, and I don’t have any clothes with me."

Then I said, "Danny, are you SURE you didn’t have an accident?"

"No," he replied.

I just KNEW that he must have had an accident, because the smell was getting worse. Soooooo! I asked one more time, "Danny, did you have an accident?"

This time he jumped up, yanked down his pants, bent over and spread his cheeks and yelled, "SEE MOM, IT’S JUST FARTS!!"

While 30 people nearly choked to death on their tacos laughing, he calmly pulled up his pants and sat down. An old couple made me feel better by thanking me for the best laugh they’d ever had!

A lady picked up several items at a discount store. When she finally got up to the checker, she learned that one of her items had no price tag.

Imagine her embarrassment when the checker got on the intercom and boomed out for the entire store to hear, " PRICE CHECK ON LANE THIRTEEN, TAMPAX SUPER SIZE."

That was bad enough, but somebody at the rear of the store apparently misunderstood the word "Tampax" for THUMBTACKS." In a business-like tone, a voice boomed back over the intercom.

"DO YOU WANT THE KIND YOU PUSH IN WITH YOUR THUMB OR THE KIND YOU POUND IN WITH A HAMMER?"

Diane E. Amov

While in line at the bank one afternoon, my toddler decided to release some pent-up energy and ran amok. I was finally able to grab hold of her after receiving looks of disgust and annoyance from other patrons. I told her that if she did not start behaving "right now" she would be punished.

To my horror, she looked me in the eye and said in a voice just as threatening, "If you don’t let me go right now, I will tell Grandma that I saw you kissing Daddy’s pee-pee last night!"

The silence was deafening after this enlightening exchange. Even the tellers stopped what they were doing. I mustered up the last of my dignity and walked out of the bank with my daughter in tow.

The last thing I heard when the door closed behind me were screams of laughter.

Amy Richardson, Stafford , Virginia

My sister and I were at the mall and passed by a store that sold a variety of nuts. As we were looking at the display case, the boy behind the counter asked if we needed any help.

I replied, "No, I’m just looking at your nuts." My sister started to laugh hysterically, the boy grinned, and I turned beet-red and walked away.

To this day, my sister has never let me forget.

Faye Emerick, 34, Ellerslie , MD

I was at the golf store comparing different kinds of golf balls. I was unhappy with the women’s type I had been using.

After browsing for several minutes, I was approached by one of the good-looking gentlemen who works at the store. He asked if he could help me.

Without thinking, I looked at him and said, "I think I like playing with men’s balls."

I walked into a hair salon with my husband and three kids in tow and asked loudly, "How much do you charge for a shampoo and a blow job?"

I turned around and walked back out and never went back. My husband didn’t say a word…

He knew better.

Melinda Lowe, 39, Seguin , TX

Here’s a great little email circulating what purports to be Tiger Woods Guide to picking a great woman.  Its a short guide, and doesn’t mention looking like a Barbie Doll or having an expendable phone number anywhere!

1. It’s important to have a woman, who helps at home, who cooks from time to time, cleans up and has a job.
2. It’s important to have a woman, who can make you laugh.
3. It’s important to have a woman, who you can trust and who doesn’t lie to you.
4. It’s important to have a woman, who is good in bed and who likes to be with you.
5. It’s VERY, VERY important that these four women do not know each other

Signed,

Tiger Woods

It’s a mid term election year and you know what that means, Stimulus Payments, Pay offs will be coming out again soon!  If you ‘earned’ money and ‘paid’ taxes, you can expect a stimulus payment from the US government.  This stimulating payment will not only get you excited and help pay your Viagra and Ambien cocktail bill, it can help our country and the world avoid a global economic melt down, keeping all of us from going broke in a global depression.

Below you will find some FAQ’s of the 2010 Stimulus Payment Plan that are being circulated via email

Sometime this year,  we taxpayers will again receive another ‘Economic
Stimulus’ payment.
   This is indeed a very exciting program,  and I’ll explain it by
Using a Q & A format:
   Q.  What is an ‘Economic Stimulus’ payment ?
   A.  It is money that the federal government will send to taxpayers..
   Q..  Where will the government get this money ?
   A.  From taxpayers.
   Q.  So the government is giving me back my own money ?
   A.  Only a smidgen of it.
   Q.  What is the purpose of this payment ?
   A.  The plan is for you to use the money to purchase a
High-definition TV set,  thus stimulating the economy.
   Q.  But isn’t that stimulating the economy of China ?
   A.  Shut up.
   Below is some helpful advice on how to best help the U.S. Economy by
Spending your stimulus check wisely:        
       *  If you spend the stimulus money at Wal-Mart,  the money will
Go to China or Sri Lanka .
       *  If you spend it on gasoline,  your money will go to the
Arabs.
       *  If you purchase a computer,  it will go to India , Taiwan or
China .  
       *  If you purchase fruit and vegetables,  it will go to Mexico ,
Honduras and Guatemala ..
       *  If you buy an efficient car,  it will go to Japan or Korea .
       *  If  you purchase useless stuff,  it will go to Taiwan .
       *  If you pay your credit cards off, or buy stock,  it will go
To management bonuses and they will hide it offshore.
   Instead,  keep the money in America by:
   1)  Spending it at yard sales,  or      
   2)  Going to ball games,  or    
   3)  Spending it on prostitutes & strippers,  or      
   4)  Beer or      
   5) Tattoos.
   (These are the only American businesses still operating in the U.S. )
   Conclusion:
   Go to a ball game with a tattooed prostitute that you met at a yard sale and drink beer all day !
   No need to thank me,  I’m just glad I could be of help.

A fantastic and amazing winter poem has recently been unearthed by a truly talented poet, a poet that could rival the skills of Shakespeare or in the American genre Whitman.  There is even a scant sense of rye humor that hearkens back to great commentators and writers and humorists like Mark Twain or Bill Cosby.

Here is that Amazing poem recently sent to myself in the form of a viral email.

‘ WINTER ‘
by Abigail Elizabeth McIntyre

Crap….It’s Cold

The End

Maybe you sometimes ask the absurd question, Why do Boys Need Parents?  Well odds, are you never ask that question, but you probably have seen this viral email floating around, or bits and pieces of it.  I swear the list of pictures gets longer every time I see it.

Why boys need parents….

!









 

This viral email of course comes with the obligatory threat that you must pass it along or else

If you don’t send this to a few old friends, there will be fewer people laughing in the world and then your first born will be fed to one of the people in this photo series.