Viral Grape Vine» Viral Emails

Proper Etiquette on a Date – May I be Excused to Pee?

brettbum — Fri, 30 Jul 2010 20:38:11 +0000

Here’s a nice viral email making the rounds disguised as the ‘Polite Way to Pee’ on a date.

During one of her daily classes, a teacher trying to teach good manners, asked her students the following question:

"Michael, if you were on a date having dinner with a nice young lady, how would you tell her that you have to go to the bathroom?"

Michael said, "Just a minute I have to go pee."

The teacher responded by saying, "That would be rude and impolite.

"What about you Sherman, how would you say it?"

Sherman said, "I am sorry, but I really need to go to the bathroom. I’ll be right back."

"That’s better, but it’s still not very nice to say the word bathroom at the dinner table."

"And you, little Johnny, can you use your brain for once and show us your good manners?"

"I would say: ‘Darling, may I please be excused for a moment? I have to shake hands with a very dear friend of mine, whom I hope to introduce you to after dinner.’"

The teacher fainted..

What it Takes to Get a Government Job selling Dead Mules in 2010!

brettbum — Mon, 29 Mar 2010 22:44:00 +0000

Curtis & Leroy saw an ad in the Starkville Daily News Newspaper in Starkville, MS and bought a mule for $100.

The farmer agreed to deliver the mule the next day.
The next morning the farmer drove up and said,"Sorry, fellows, I have some bad news, the mule died last night."
Curtis &Leroy replied, "Well, then just give us our money back."
The farmer said,"Can’t do that. I went and spent it already."
They said, "OK then, just bring us the dead mule."
The farmer asked, "What in the world ya’ll gonna do with a dead mule?"
Curtis said, "We gonna raffle him off."
The farmer said, "You can’t raffle off a dead mule!"
Leroy said, "We shore can! Heck, we don’t hafta tell nobody he’s dead!"
A couple of weeks later, the farmer ran into Curtis &Leroy at the Piggly Wiggly grocery store and asked. "What’d you fellers ever do with that deadmule?"
They said,"We raffled him off like we said we wuz gonna do."

Leroy said,"Shucks, we sold 500tickets fer two dollarsapiece and made a profit of $898."

The farmer said,"My Lord, didn’t anyone complain?"

Curtis said,"Well, the feller who won got upset.So wegave him his two dollars back."

Curtis and Leroy now work for the government.
They’re overseeing the Bailout Program.

Does Every Anchorwoman have 8 Inches on the Brain?

brettbum — Mon, 22 Mar 2010 23:08:00 +0000

This had most of the state of Michigan laughing for 2 days and a very embarrassed female news anchor who will, in the future, likely think before she speaks. What happens when you predict snow but don’t get any….a true story…We had a female news anchor who, the day after it was supposed to have snowed and didn’t, turned to the weatherman and asked:

"So Bob, where’s that 8 inches you promised me last night?"

Not only did HE have to leave the set, but half the crew did too they were laughing so hard!

In other news . . . Bobbing for tea bags to get a news job.

Who says that journalism is dead?

That’s just stupid

Proud Parent: My Kid’s Ass Just Farts

brettbum — Mon, 08 Mar 2010 22:57:00 +0000

Have you ever asked your child a question too many times?

My three-year-old son had a lot of problems with potty training and I was on him constantly. One day we stopped at Taco Bell for a quick lunch in between errands. It was very busy, with a full dining room.

While enjoying my taco, I smelled something funny, so of course I checked my seven-month-old daughter, and she was clean. Then I realized that Danny had not asked to go potty in a while, so I asked him if he needed to go, and he said "No." I kept thinking, "Oh Lord, that child has had an accident, and I don’t have any clothes with me."

Then I said, "Danny, are you SURE you didn’t have an accident?"

"No," he replied.

I just KNEW that he must have had an accident, because the smell was getting worse. Soooooo! I asked one more time, "Danny, did you have an accident?"

This time he jumped up, yanked down his pants, bent over and spread his cheeks and yelled, "SEE MOM, IT’S JUST FARTS!!"

While 30 people nearly choked to death on their tacos laughing, he calmly pulled up his pants and sat down. An old couple made me feel better by thanking me for the best laugh they’d ever had!

Pounding in Tampax with a Hammer?

brettbum — Mon, 01 Mar 2010 10:52:00 +0000

A lady picked up several items at a discount store. When she finally got up to the checker, she learned that one of her items had no price tag.

Imagine her embarrassment when the checker got on the intercom and boomed out for the entire store to hear, " PRICE CHECK ON LANE THIRTEEN, TAMPAX SUPER SIZE."

That was bad enough, but somebody at the rear of the store apparently misunderstood the word "Tampax" for THUMBTACKS." In a business-like tone, a voice boomed back over the intercom.

"DO YOU WANT THE KIND YOU PUSH IN WITH YOUR THUMB OR THE KIND YOU POUND IN WITH A HAMMER?"

Diane E. Amov

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Things You Can’t Take Back – ‘Kissing Daddy’s P P Blackmail’

brettbum — Mon, 22 Feb 2010 22:38:00 +0000

While in line at the bank one afternoon, my toddler decided to release some pent-up energy and ran amok. I was finally able to grab hold of her after receiving looks of disgust and annoyance from other patrons. I told her that if she did not start behaving "right now" she would be punished.

To my horror, she looked me in the eye and said in a voice just as threatening, "If you don’t let me go right now, I will tell Grandma that I saw you kissing Daddy’s pee-pee last night!"

The silence was deafening after this enlightening exchange. Even the tellers stopped what they were doing. I mustered up the last of my dignity and walked out of the bank with my daughter in tow.

The last thing I heard when the door closed behind me were screams of laughter.

Amy Richardson, Stafford , Virginia

Things You Can’t Take Back – ‘Looking at Your Nuts’

brettbum — Mon, 15 Feb 2010 22:33:00 +0000

My sister and I were at the mall and passed by a store that sold a variety of nuts. As we were looking at the display case, the boy behind the counter asked if we needed any help.

I replied, "No, I’m just looking at your nuts." My sister started to laugh hysterically, the boy grinned, and I turned beet-red and walked away.

To this day, my sister has never let me forget.

Faye Emerick, 34, Ellerslie , MD

Things You Can’t Take Back – Playing with Men’s Balls

brettbum — Mon, 08 Feb 2010 22:25:00 +0000

I was at the golf store comparing different kinds of golf balls. I was unhappy with the women’s type I had been using.

After browsing for several minutes, I was approached by one of the good-looking gentlemen who works at the store. He asked if he could help me.

Without thinking, I looked at him and said, "I think I like playing with men’s balls."

Things You Can’t Take Back – ‘Shampoo and a Blow Job’

brettbum — Mon, 01 Feb 2010 22:18:00 +0000

I walked into a hair salon with my husband and three kids in tow and asked loudly, "How much do you charge for a shampoo and a blow job?"

I turned around and walked back out and never went back. My husband didn’t say a word…

He knew better.

Melinda Lowe, 39, Seguin , TX

5 Rules for Picking a Woman – Tiger Woods Guide to Bliss

brettbum — Fri, 29 Jan 2010 12:14:00 +0000

Here’s a great little email circulating what purports to be Tiger Woods Guide to picking a great woman. Its a short guide, and doesn’t mention looking like a Barbie Doll or having an expendable phone number anywhere!

1. It’s important to have a woman, who helps at home, who cooks from time to time, cleans up and has a job.
2. It’s important to have a woman, who can make you laugh.
3. It’s important to have a woman, who you can trust and who doesn’t lie to you.
4. It’s important to have a woman, who is good in bed and who likes to be with you.
5. It’s VERY, VERY important that these four women do not know each other

Signed,

Tiger Woods