It’s a mid term election year and you know what that means, Stimulus Payments, Pay offs will be coming out again soon!  If you ‘earned’ money and ‘paid’ taxes, you can expect a stimulus payment from the US government.  This stimulating payment will not only get you excited and help pay your Viagra and Ambien cocktail bill, it can help our country and the world avoid a global economic melt down, keeping all of us from going broke in a global depression.

Below you will find some FAQ’s of the 2010 Stimulus Payment Plan that are being circulated via email

Sometime this year,  we taxpayers will again receive another ‘Economic
Stimulus’ payment.
   This is indeed a very exciting program,  and I’ll explain it by
Using a Q & A format:
   Q.  What is an ‘Economic Stimulus’ payment ?
   A.  It is money that the federal government will send to taxpayers..
   Q..  Where will the government get this money ?
   A.  From taxpayers.
   Q.  So the government is giving me back my own money ?
   A.  Only a smidgen of it.
   Q.  What is the purpose of this payment ?
   A.  The plan is for you to use the money to purchase a
High-definition TV set,  thus stimulating the economy.
   Q.  But isn’t that stimulating the economy of China ?
   A.  Shut up.
   Below is some helpful advice on how to best help the U.S. Economy by
Spending your stimulus check wisely:        
       *  If you spend the stimulus money at Wal-Mart,  the money will
Go to China or Sri Lanka .
       *  If you spend it on gasoline,  your money will go to the
Arabs.
       *  If you purchase a computer,  it will go to India , Taiwan or
China .  
       *  If you purchase fruit and vegetables,  it will go to Mexico ,
Honduras and Guatemala ..
       *  If you buy an efficient car,  it will go to Japan or Korea .
       *  If  you purchase useless stuff,  it will go to Taiwan .
       *  If you pay your credit cards off, or buy stock,  it will go
To management bonuses and they will hide it offshore.
   Instead,  keep the money in America by:
   1)  Spending it at yard sales,  or      
   2)  Going to ball games,  or    
   3)  Spending it on prostitutes & strippers,  or      
   4)  Beer or      
   5) Tattoos.
   (These are the only American businesses still operating in the U.S. )
   Conclusion:
   Go to a ball game with a tattooed prostitute that you met at a yard sale and drink beer all day !
   No need to thank me,  I’m just glad I could be of help.

A fantastic and amazing winter poem has recently been unearthed by a truly talented poet, a poet that could rival the skills of Shakespeare or in the American genre Whitman.  There is even a scant sense of rye humor that hearkens back to great commentators and writers and humorists like Mark Twain or Bill Cosby.

Here is that Amazing poem recently sent to myself in the form of a viral email.

‘ WINTER ‘
by Abigail Elizabeth McIntyre

Crap….It’s Cold

The End

Maybe you sometimes ask the absurd question, Why do Boys Need Parents?  Well odds, are you never ask that question, but you probably have seen this viral email floating around, or bits and pieces of it.  I swear the list of pictures gets longer every time I see it.

Why boys need parents….

!









 

This viral email of course comes with the obligatory threat that you must pass it along or else

If you don’t send this to a few old friends, there will be fewer people laughing in the world and then your first born will be fed to one of the people in this photo series.

Two young boys walked into a pharmacy one day, picked out a box of tampons and proceeded to the checkout counter.

The man at the counter asked the older boy, "Son, how old are you?"

"Eight," the boy replied.

The man continued, "do you know what these are used for?"

The boy replied, "not exactly, but they aren’t for me. They’re for him.  He’s my brother. He’s four. We saw on TV that if you use these you would be able to swim and ride a bike. Right now, he can’t do either."

Male Tampon Commercial

Sit Down and Clap for this Tampon Commercial

How Not to Size a Tampon Commercial

Viral Emails sent with a chain of images clipped from god knows where and then sent to hundreds of millions of people to distract them from life in general is almost as old as the internet itself.  So maybe this one should be directed not at the aging person reflected in your computer monitor right now, but the internet itself . . .

So here is the latest in viral emails to make you smile (and feel old)

ALL OF US CAN GET A SMILE FROM THIS ONE….

Ten Thoughts to Ponder for 2009

Number 10

Life is sexually transmitted. 

Number 9

Good health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.

Number 8

Men have two emotions: Hungry and Horny. 
If you see him without an erection, make him a sandwich.

Number 7

Give a person a fish and you feed them for a day,  teach a person to use the Internet and they won’t bother you for weeks.

Number 6

Some people are like a Slinky …
Not really good for anything, but you still can’t help but smile when you shove them down the stairs.

Number 5

Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals, dying of nothing.

Number 4

All of us could take a lesson from the weather.   It pays no attention to Criticism.

Number 3

Why does a slight tax increase cost you $200.00, and a substantial tax cut saves you $30.00?

Number 2

In the 60’s, people took acid to make the world weird. Now the world is Weird and people take Prozac to make it normal. 

And The Number 1 Thought For 2009

"Life is like a jar of Jalapeno peppers; What you do today, might Burn Your Ass Tomorrow"

On the monthly anniversary of the passing of WWII hero Darrell Shifty Powers, who was in all of the Band of Brothers episodes portrayed by Peter Youngblood Hills, I received an email that looked like one of those viral scams, but the email in fact is legitimate in content. 

"I could hear bullets and shrapnel hitting the plane. As I jumped out the door, I could see that the left motor was on fire." – Darrell Shifty Powers talking about jumping over Normandy, France, on D-Day.

Many, many of you have sent me notice that Shifty Powers of the heroic Easy Company, 2-506th PIR, 101st Airborne Division, died on June 17th.  I had no idea that he had passed on.  I have written here a lot about Easy Company and even have an autographed photo (Bill Guarnere) on my desk of the jump into Holland (Market Garden).

If you use GoogleNews (any combo of Darrell and/or Shifty Powers), there are less then ten notices of his death.  There are less than four articles about his passing on from "old media" news agencies.

Quite frankly, this is an affront to a genuinely good man.  Shifty Powers received two Bronze Stars and a CIB and fought in every campaign that Easy Company was in.  He was severely injured on his way home in a truck accident (the irony is that the men of Easy rigged the lottery to go home so Shifty would be first, but he ended up being one of the last to get home after an extensive hospitalization).

This email has gone viral about Shifty:

We’re hearing a lot today about big splashy memorial services.

I want a nationwide memorial service for Darrell "Shifty" Powers.

Shifty volunteered for the airborne in WWII and served with Easy Company of the 506th Parachute Infantry Regiment, part of the 101st Airborne Infantry. If you’ve seen Band of Brothers on HBO or the History Channel, you know Shifty. His character appears in all 10 episodes, and Shifty himself is interviewed in several of them.

I met Shifty in the Philadelphia airport several years ago. I didn’t know who he was at the time. I just saw an elderly gentleman having trouble reading his ticket. I offered to help, assured him that he was at the right gate, and noticed the "Screaming Eagle", the symbol of the 101st Airborne, on his hat.

Making conversation, I asked him if he’d been in the 101st Airborne or if his son was serving. He said quietly that he had been in the 101st. I thanked him for his service, then asked him when he served, and how many jumps he made.

Quietly and humbly, he said "Well, I guess I signed up in 1941 or so, and was in until sometime in 1945 . . . " at which point my heart skipped.

At that point, again, very humbly, he said "I made the 5 training jumps at Toccoa, and then jumped into Normandy . . . . do you know where Normandy is?" At this point my heart stopped.

I told him yes, I know exactly where Normandy was, and I know what D-Day was. At that point he said "I also made a second jump into Holland, into Arnhem." I was standing with a genuine war hero . . . . and then I realized that it was June, just after the anniversary of D-Day.

I asked Shifty if he was on his way back from France, and he said "Yes. And it’s real sad because these days so few of the guys are left, and those that are, lots of them can’t make the trip." My heart was in my throat and I didn’t know what to say.

I helped Shifty get onto the plane and then realized he was back in Coach, while I was in First Class. I sent the flight attendant back to get him and said that I wanted to switch seats. When Shifty came forward, I got up out of the seat and told him I wanted him to have it, that I’d take his in coach.

He said "No, son, you enjoy that seat. Just knowing that there are still some who remember what we did and still care is enough to make an old man very happy." His eyes were filling up as he said it. And mine are brimming up now as I write this.

Shifty died on June 17 after fighting cancer.

There was no parade.

No big event in Staples Center.

No wall to wall back to back 24×7 news coverage.

No weeping fans on television.

And that’s not right.

Let’s give Shifty his own Memorial Service, online, in our own quiet way. Please forward this email to everyone you know. Especially to the veterans.

Rest in peace, Shifty.

"A nation without heroes is nothing." – Roberto Clemente
Thank you,
Doug Corrigan
PC / Business Process & Systems Management
Toyota Motor Engineering & Manufacturing North America, Inc.
Phone: xxx-xxx-xxxx
Fax: xxx-xxx-xxxx
email: doug.corrigan@xxxxxxxxx

Authors Note on the topic of Darrell ‘Shifty’ Powers

I can not speak to whether or not the authenticity of the author is real yet, but the sentiment in the email is valid.  I have removed the authors phone and email addresses from this post, but did want to help increase the spread of this particular message.  We joke here at ViralGrapeVine about just about anything, and usually the wrong things at that. We have the luxury of doing that because veterans like Darrell helped secure our freedoms.  I am a veteran myself of the first Gulf War but my own story is of almost insignificant consequence compared to Darrell Powers with one small exception.

Just because a hero succeeds or survives or accomplishes something so great, it doesn’t mean the rest of us should stop trying.  I joined the service during the build up to the Persian Gulf War.  I was not drafted, did not need to join or anything like that.  I’m not a warmonger nor do I have many romantic notions about war or the military.  Members of my family have fought in almost every war that our country has been involved in since before the country was a country.  Yet, there was no family call for me to join, no wrong headed pursuit of family honor or anything.  In fact, many, possibly a majority of the veterans I spoke with in my family before I joined counseled me NOT to join the military.  I was dumb and lucky and things worked out fine for me. 

I also did not shy away from doing something (the dumb part) but I did it knowing the risks, knowing the potential consequences of my actions and more, some might equate that with courage.  My point is that even as I write this article on a site that is mostly egregiously poor satire, I do that to help protect the boundaries of my speech, trying to keep it free, and usually only just barely jogging myself out of writers block so that I may write somewhere else.

We can celebrate Darrell ‘Shifty’ Powers in a national memorial, but putting his statue up on a physical pedestal is not really what this is about.  So if you pass on this email, if you have passed it on already or if you do anything to help promote this effort, remember that your efforts will be largely wasted if you personally are not doing something, anything everyday to also protect our freedoms.  You can worship a hero all you like, but if you don’t make even small heroic steps yourself, then your worship of said hero is hollow & baseless. 

The Preparation for the jump

Oops wrong headline for this jump. 

Make Up: $40

Hair Stylist: $75

Body Waxing: $110

Custom Tattoo: $150

Sexy Designer Outfit: $225

Collagen Lip Enhancement: $400

Boob Job: $6,000

Forgetting To Tuck In Your Nuts…Priceless

A DC airport ticket agent offers some examples:

1. I had a New Hampshire Congresswoman ask for an aisle seat so that her hair wouldn’t get messed up by being near the window. 

(On an airplane!)

2. I got a call from a candidate’s staffer, who wanted to go to Capetown.  While I started to explain the length of the flight and the passport information, she interrupted me with, ”I’m not trying to make you look stupid, but Capetown is in Massachusetts "  Without trying to make her look stupid, I calmly explained, ”Cape Cod is in Massachusetts , Capetown is in Africa ”

Her response – click.

   3. A senior Vermont Congressman called, furious about a Florida package we did. I asked what was wrong with the vacation in Orlando .

He said he was expecting an ocean-view room.

I tried to explain that is not possible, since Orlando is in the middle of the state. He replied, ‘Don’t lie to me, I looked on the map and Florida is a very thin state!”20(OMG)

4. I got a call from a lawmaker’s wife who asked, ”Is it possible to see England fromCanada ?”   I said, ”No..” She said, ”But they look so close on the map. (OMG, again!)

5. An aide for a cabinet member once called and asked if he could rent a car in Dallas    When I pulled up the reservation, I noticed he had only a 1-hour layover in Dallas .  When I asked him why he wanted to rent a car, he said, ”I heard Dallas was a big airport, and we will need a car to drive between gates to save time.” (Aghhhh) 

6. An Illinois Congresswoman called last week. She needed to know how it was possible that her flight from Detroit left at 8:30 a.m., and got to Chicago at 8:33 a.m. I explained thatMichigan was an hour ahead of Illinois , but she couldn’t understand the concept of time zones. Finally, I told her the plane went fast, and she bought that.

7. A New York lawmaker called and asked, ”Do airlines put your physical description on your bag so they know whose luggage belongs to whom?” I said, ‘No, why do you ask?‘

She replied, ”Well, when I checked in with the airline, they put a20tag on my luggage that said (FAT), and I’m overweight. I think that’s very rude!” After putting her on hold for a minute, while I looked into it (I was dying laughing), I came back and explained the city code for Fresno , CA is (FAT – Fresno Air Terminal), and the airline was just putting a destination tag on her luggage.

8. A Senator’s aide called to inquire about a trip package to Hawaii .  After going over all the cost info, she asked, ”Would it be cheaper to fly to California , and then take the train toHawaii ?”

9. I just got off the phone with a freshman Congressman who asked, "How do I know which plane to get on?” I asked him what exactly he meant, to which he replied, ”I was told my flight number is 823, but none of these planes have numbers on them.”

10. A lady Senator called and said, ”I need to fly to Pepsi-Cola , Florida .. Do I have to get on one of those little computer planes?’‘   I asked if she meant fly to Pensacola , FL on a commuter plane. She said,  ”Yeah, whatever, smarty!”

11. A senior Senator called and had a question about the documents he needed in order to fly to China . After a lengthy discussion about passports, I reminded him that he needed a visa. ‘Oh, no I don’t. I’ve been to China many time s and never had to have one of those.” I double checked and sure enough, his stay required a visa. When I told him this he said, ”Look, I’ ve been to China four times and every time they have accepted my American Express!”

12. A New Mexico Congress woman called to make reservations, ”I want to go fromChicago to Rhino, New York.” I was at a loss for words.  Finally, I said, ”Are you sure that’s the name of the town?” ”Yes, what flights do you have?’‘ replied the lady. After some searching, I came back with, ”I’m sorry, ma’am, I’ve looked up every airport code in the country and can’t find a Rhino anywhere.’ ”The lady retorted, ”Oh, don’t be silly! Everyone knows where it is.  Check your map!”

So I scoured a map of the state of New York and finally offered, ”You don’t mean Buffalo , do you?” The reply?

”Whatever! I knew it was a big animal.”

    Now you know why the Government is in the shape that it’s in!  Could anyone be this DUMB?

YES, THEY WALK AMONG US, ARE IN POLITICS, AND THEY CONTINUE TO BREED!