Two young boys walked into a pharmacy one day, picked out a box of tampons and proceeded to the checkout counter.

The man at the counter asked the older boy, "Son, how old are you?"

"Eight," the boy replied.

The man continued, "do you know what these are used for?"

The boy replied, "not exactly, but they aren’t for me. They’re for him.  He’s my brother. He’s four. We saw on TV that if you use these you would be able to swim and ride a bike. Right now, he can’t do either."

Male Tampon Commercial

Sit Down and Clap for this Tampon Commercial

How Not to Size a Tampon Commercial

Viral Emails sent with a chain of images clipped from god knows where and then sent to hundreds of millions of people to distract them from life in general is almost as old as the internet itself.  So maybe this one should be directed not at the aging person reflected in your computer monitor right now, but the internet itself . . .

So here is the latest in viral emails to make you smile (and feel old)

ALL OF US CAN GET A SMILE FROM THIS ONE….

Ten Thoughts to Ponder for 2009

Number 10

Life is sexually transmitted. 

Number 9

Good health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.

Number 8

Men have two emotions: Hungry and Horny. 
If you see him without an erection, make him a sandwich.

Number 7

Give a person a fish and you feed them for a day,  teach a person to use the Internet and they won’t bother you for weeks.

Number 6

Some people are like a Slinky …
Not really good for anything, but you still can’t help but smile when you shove them down the stairs.

Number 5

Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals, dying of nothing.

Number 4

All of us could take a lesson from the weather.   It pays no attention to Criticism.

Number 3

Why does a slight tax increase cost you $200.00, and a substantial tax cut saves you $30.00?

Number 2

In the 60’s, people took acid to make the world weird. Now the world is Weird and people take Prozac to make it normal. 

And The Number 1 Thought For 2009

"Life is like a jar of Jalapeno peppers; What you do today, might Burn Your Ass Tomorrow"

On the monthly anniversary of the passing of WWII hero Darrell Shifty Powers, who was in all of the Band of Brothers episodes portrayed by Peter Youngblood Hills, I received an email that looked like one of those viral scams, but the email in fact is legitimate in content. 

"I could hear bullets and shrapnel hitting the plane. As I jumped out the door, I could see that the left motor was on fire." – Darrell Shifty Powers talking about jumping over Normandy, France, on D-Day.

Many, many of you have sent me notice that Shifty Powers of the heroic Easy Company, 2-506th PIR, 101st Airborne Division, died on June 17th.  I had no idea that he had passed on.  I have written here a lot about Easy Company and even have an autographed photo (Bill Guarnere) on my desk of the jump into Holland (Market Garden).

If you use GoogleNews (any combo of Darrell and/or Shifty Powers), there are less then ten notices of his death.  There are less than four articles about his passing on from "old media" news agencies.

Quite frankly, this is an affront to a genuinely good man.  Shifty Powers received two Bronze Stars and a CIB and fought in every campaign that Easy Company was in.  He was severely injured on his way home in a truck accident (the irony is that the men of Easy rigged the lottery to go home so Shifty would be first, but he ended up being one of the last to get home after an extensive hospitalization).

This email has gone viral about Shifty:

We’re hearing a lot today about big splashy memorial services.

I want a nationwide memorial service for Darrell "Shifty" Powers.

Shifty volunteered for the airborne in WWII and served with Easy Company of the 506th Parachute Infantry Regiment, part of the 101st Airborne Infantry. If you’ve seen Band of Brothers on HBO or the History Channel, you know Shifty. His character appears in all 10 episodes, and Shifty himself is interviewed in several of them.

I met Shifty in the Philadelphia airport several years ago. I didn’t know who he was at the time. I just saw an elderly gentleman having trouble reading his ticket. I offered to help, assured him that he was at the right gate, and noticed the "Screaming Eagle", the symbol of the 101st Airborne, on his hat.

Making conversation, I asked him if he’d been in the 101st Airborne or if his son was serving. He said quietly that he had been in the 101st. I thanked him for his service, then asked him when he served, and how many jumps he made.

Quietly and humbly, he said "Well, I guess I signed up in 1941 or so, and was in until sometime in 1945 . . . " at which point my heart skipped.

At that point, again, very humbly, he said "I made the 5 training jumps at Toccoa, and then jumped into Normandy . . . . do you know where Normandy is?" At this point my heart stopped.

I told him yes, I know exactly where Normandy was, and I know what D-Day was. At that point he said "I also made a second jump into Holland, into Arnhem." I was standing with a genuine war hero . . . . and then I realized that it was June, just after the anniversary of D-Day.

I asked Shifty if he was on his way back from France, and he said "Yes. And it’s real sad because these days so few of the guys are left, and those that are, lots of them can’t make the trip." My heart was in my throat and I didn’t know what to say.

I helped Shifty get onto the plane and then realized he was back in Coach, while I was in First Class. I sent the flight attendant back to get him and said that I wanted to switch seats. When Shifty came forward, I got up out of the seat and told him I wanted him to have it, that I’d take his in coach.

He said "No, son, you enjoy that seat. Just knowing that there are still some who remember what we did and still care is enough to make an old man very happy." His eyes were filling up as he said it. And mine are brimming up now as I write this.

Shifty died on June 17 after fighting cancer.

There was no parade.

No big event in Staples Center.

No wall to wall back to back 24×7 news coverage.

No weeping fans on television.

And that’s not right.

Let’s give Shifty his own Memorial Service, online, in our own quiet way. Please forward this email to everyone you know. Especially to the veterans.

Rest in peace, Shifty.

"A nation without heroes is nothing." – Roberto Clemente
Thank you,
Doug Corrigan
PC / Business Process & Systems Management
Toyota Motor Engineering & Manufacturing North America, Inc.
Phone: xxx-xxx-xxxx
Fax: xxx-xxx-xxxx
email: doug.corrigan@xxxxxxxxx

Authors Note on the topic of Darrell ‘Shifty’ Powers

I can not speak to whether or not the authenticity of the author is real yet, but the sentiment in the email is valid.  I have removed the authors phone and email addresses from this post, but did want to help increase the spread of this particular message.  We joke here at ViralGrapeVine about just about anything, and usually the wrong things at that. We have the luxury of doing that because veterans like Darrell helped secure our freedoms.  I am a veteran myself of the first Gulf War but my own story is of almost insignificant consequence compared to Darrell Powers with one small exception.

Just because a hero succeeds or survives or accomplishes something so great, it doesn’t mean the rest of us should stop trying.  I joined the service during the build up to the Persian Gulf War.  I was not drafted, did not need to join or anything like that.  I’m not a warmonger nor do I have many romantic notions about war or the military.  Members of my family have fought in almost every war that our country has been involved in since before the country was a country.  Yet, there was no family call for me to join, no wrong headed pursuit of family honor or anything.  In fact, many, possibly a majority of the veterans I spoke with in my family before I joined counseled me NOT to join the military.  I was dumb and lucky and things worked out fine for me. 

I also did not shy away from doing something (the dumb part) but I did it knowing the risks, knowing the potential consequences of my actions and more, some might equate that with courage.  My point is that even as I write this article on a site that is mostly egregiously poor satire, I do that to help protect the boundaries of my speech, trying to keep it free, and usually only just barely jogging myself out of writers block so that I may write somewhere else.

We can celebrate Darrell ‘Shifty’ Powers in a national memorial, but putting his statue up on a physical pedestal is not really what this is about.  So if you pass on this email, if you have passed it on already or if you do anything to help promote this effort, remember that your efforts will be largely wasted if you personally are not doing something, anything everyday to also protect our freedoms.  You can worship a hero all you like, but if you don’t make even small heroic steps yourself, then your worship of said hero is hollow & baseless. 

The Preparation for the jump

Oops wrong headline for this jump. 

Make Up: $40

Hair Stylist: $75

Body Waxing: $110

Custom Tattoo: $150

Sexy Designer Outfit: $225

Collagen Lip Enhancement: $400

Boob Job: $6,000

Forgetting To Tuck In Your Nuts…Priceless

A DC airport ticket agent offers some examples:

1. I had a New Hampshire Congresswoman ask for an aisle seat so that her hair wouldn’t get messed up by being near the window. 

(On an airplane!)

2. I got a call from a candidate’s staffer, who wanted to go to Capetown.  While I started to explain the length of the flight and the passport information, she interrupted me with, ”I’m not trying to make you look stupid, but Capetown is in Massachusetts "  Without trying to make her look stupid, I calmly explained, ”Cape Cod is in Massachusetts , Capetown is in Africa ”

Her response – click.

   3. A senior Vermont Congressman called, furious about a Florida package we did. I asked what was wrong with the vacation in Orlando .

He said he was expecting an ocean-view room.

I tried to explain that is not possible, since Orlando is in the middle of the state. He replied, ‘Don’t lie to me, I looked on the map and Florida is a very thin state!”20(OMG)

4. I got a call from a lawmaker’s wife who asked, ”Is it possible to see England fromCanada ?”   I said, ”No..” She said, ”But they look so close on the map. (OMG, again!)

5. An aide for a cabinet member once called and asked if he could rent a car in Dallas    When I pulled up the reservation, I noticed he had only a 1-hour layover in Dallas .  When I asked him why he wanted to rent a car, he said, ”I heard Dallas was a big airport, and we will need a car to drive between gates to save time.” (Aghhhh) 

6. An Illinois Congresswoman called last week. She needed to know how it was possible that her flight from Detroit left at 8:30 a.m., and got to Chicago at 8:33 a.m. I explained thatMichigan was an hour ahead of Illinois , but she couldn’t understand the concept of time zones. Finally, I told her the plane went fast, and she bought that.

7. A New York lawmaker called and asked, ”Do airlines put your physical description on your bag so they know whose luggage belongs to whom?” I said, ‘No, why do you ask?‘

She replied, ”Well, when I checked in with the airline, they put a20tag on my luggage that said (FAT), and I’m overweight. I think that’s very rude!” After putting her on hold for a minute, while I looked into it (I was dying laughing), I came back and explained the city code for Fresno , CA is (FAT – Fresno Air Terminal), and the airline was just putting a destination tag on her luggage.

8. A Senator’s aide called to inquire about a trip package to Hawaii .  After going over all the cost info, she asked, ”Would it be cheaper to fly to California , and then take the train toHawaii ?”

9. I just got off the phone with a freshman Congressman who asked, "How do I know which plane to get on?” I asked him what exactly he meant, to which he replied, ”I was told my flight number is 823, but none of these planes have numbers on them.”

10. A lady Senator called and said, ”I need to fly to Pepsi-Cola , Florida .. Do I have to get on one of those little computer planes?’‘   I asked if she meant fly to Pensacola , FL on a commuter plane. She said,  ”Yeah, whatever, smarty!”

11. A senior Senator called and had a question about the documents he needed in order to fly to China . After a lengthy discussion about passports, I reminded him that he needed a visa. ‘Oh, no I don’t. I’ve been to China many time s and never had to have one of those.” I double checked and sure enough, his stay required a visa. When I told him this he said, ”Look, I’ ve been to China four times and every time they have accepted my American Express!”

12. A New Mexico Congress woman called to make reservations, ”I want to go fromChicago to Rhino, New York.” I was at a loss for words.  Finally, I said, ”Are you sure that’s the name of the town?” ”Yes, what flights do you have?’‘ replied the lady. After some searching, I came back with, ”I’m sorry, ma’am, I’ve looked up every airport code in the country and can’t find a Rhino anywhere.’ ”The lady retorted, ”Oh, don’t be silly! Everyone knows where it is.  Check your map!”

So I scoured a map of the state of New York and finally offered, ”You don’t mean Buffalo , do you?” The reply?

”Whatever! I knew it was a big animal.”

    Now you know why the Government is in the shape that it’s in!  Could anyone be this DUMB?

YES, THEY WALK AMONG US, ARE IN POLITICS, AND THEY CONTINUE TO BREED!

Read  The Caption on the first photo then look at the second  photo

Look at the  picture above and you can see where this driver broke through the  guardrail, on the right side of the culvert,
where  the people are standing on the road, pointing.

The  pick-up was traveling about 75 mph from right to left when it crashed  through the guardrail.  It flipped end-over-end, bounced off  and  across the culvert outlet and landed right side up on the left  side of the culvert, facing the opposite direction from which the driver  was traveling.

The  22-year-old driver and his 18-year-old passenger were unhurt except for  minor cuts and bruises.
Just  outside Flagstaff ,  AZ on U.S. Hwy 100.
Now  look at the second picture below…

If this  guy didn’t believe in the great Norse God Locke before, do you suppose he believes now?

Let this be a  reminder to all of us, the great Norse God Locke is in control of your luck!

And now a note from our sponsors, the makers of the Apple iBoobs.

The makers of the iBoobs would like you to consider purchasing the iBoobs.  iBoobs are an Apple iPod player sewn into a woman’s bra.  This device is made for both men and women, but sound quality is optimal when a man or a woman places their nose in the cleavage between a woman’s breast that is wearing iBoobs.

The iBoob device is inspired by the technologies present in both the iPod with the rotating wheel and the new iTouch.  Regardless, iBoobs are definitely hands on.  To increase volume, simply rotate your index finger in a clockwise direction around the nipple of the right breast.  To lock the sound level, squeeze the nipple.

To scan for new songs on your iBoobs, rotate your index finger around the left nipple in a counter clockwise direction.  To select a song, squeeze the nipple and release.

The device comes in many different storage sizes and many different colors and artful skins.  Unfortunately the device is not backwards compatible with other Apple products at all, nor does it synchronize well with any known computers, but hell no one buys iBoobs those reasons anyway.  In fact, if you have any complaints about your iBoobs the technical support FAQ’s recommend that again , you place your nose in the woman’s cleavage and just relax.  Alternatively, if you are having volume control issues, lips and lightly applied teeth may help you achieve the deeply resonant sound you are looking for.

iBoobs by satrianto
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iBoobs by OberlePhotoArt
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iTits by dioalice
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A couple of weeks ago a friend told me that someone she knew had their car broken into while they were at a football game. The break in of the car was not initially discovered.  The woman had been sitting in the stadium at the game hoping for her son to get a chance to play. 

The son was second string on special teams.  Many bystanders sitting around the woman claimed that she started acting peculiar towards the end of the 1st quarter.  She started shouting and moaning which was not unusual at a football game, but then she started using the lords name in vain and inserting both blasphemies and expletives. 

Just as a parent was making her way to notify security of the woman’s inappropriate behavior, the woman fell backwards in the stands at first shrieking and moaning and then clutching at her chest.

She was rushed to a local hospital where she was treated for a heart attack.  She was a well known distance runner in the area and had arranged many 5k and 10k events.  She had never been know to have either a heart problem nor issues with her public behavior. 

Her teenaged son rode in the ambulance to the hospital with her.  He phoned his father, her husband, by cell phone and the father met them at the hospital just a few minutes after they arrived.  The father had worked late and had just left for the game, hoping to catch the second half.

Doctors were able to revive her and kept her over night under a strong sedative. 

It wasn’t until the next morning that the father returned home with the son to clean up and get a few things from home.  Upon arriving at home they were shocked to find that their house had been ransacked and a great deal of their valuables had been stolen. 

Investigators were later able to determine many of the events that had happened the night before that led both to the burglary and the woman’s heart attack.  She had parked her Prius on the green which was adjacent to the football stadium and specially allotted to football fans. Things stolen from the car included 2 garage door remote controls, some money and a GPS which had been prominently mounted on the dashboard.

The thieves had used the GPS to guide them to the house. They then attempted to use the garage door opener to enter the garage.  However, when they pushed the first button, the door did not open, but they could hear a woman moaning through a speaker on the back of the garage door opener.  They pushed the other button on the garage door opener and the woman’s moans turned to shrieks. 

Apparently, this surprise result did not deter the thieves from their business.  They then used the other garage remote control to open the garage door and gain entry to the house. The thieves knew the owners were at the football game, they knew what time the game was scheduled to finish and so they knew how much time they had to clean out the house. They even brought a truck to empty the house of its contents.  The truck left large tire tracks near the edge of the drive way curb.

Apparently the crooks continued to press the first garage door opener over and over again during the robbery.  It was suspected and later confirmed when one of the crooks was caught and questioned, that they had pressed the remote at first out of curiosity and maybe humor thinking the device was just a type of prank device that made lude noises.  However, they eventually realized that they could also hear the cheers and loud speaker of a football game going on in the background.  They then found the flat panel HD TV in the bedroom.  They pressed play and were treated to a intimate video created by the couple, who apparently utilized remote control sexual stimulation systems with built in auditory feedback. 

Once the crooks learned this, they each took turns pressing and playing with the device while their fellow criminals finished loading up the truck.  They figured that as long as they could keep the woman ‘occupied’ she would not be able to call the authorities or her husband and learn that he had not been the one to arouse her at the game.

When they heard the woman shriek her last scream, they at first gave each other high fives, but when they heard the voices of the crowd calling for an ambulance and a doctor, they panicked and left the home abruptly.

Police were able to track down the crooks using a GPS device located in a box mixed in with the stolen loot.  The husband’s own vibrator was an even fancier model that literally enabled his wife to track his location via GPS while she was able to manipulate him sexually from a distance. 

Police used this GPS to track down the criminals and capture several of the crooks at an undisclosed warehouse.  The crooks were charged not only with burglary, grand larceny, breaking and entering but also assault and kidnapping.  Prosecutors tried to make the case that by keeping the woman under constant stimulation they had held her hostage, while they stole the families possessions.

Post Script I received this in the form of a viral email and have not yet been able to confirm its accuracy, but you can bet your sweet ass that I’m not going to be wired up the next time I go to a football game!