Viral Emails Topics & Videos

In one episode of ‘Cheers’, Cliff is seated at the bar describing the Buffalo Theory to his buddy, Norm. I don’t think I’ve ever heard the concept explained any better than this .

‘Well you see, Norm, it’s like this . . . A herd of buffalo can only move as fast as the slowest buffalo. And when the herd is hunted, it is the slowest and weakest ones at the back that are killed first. This natural selection is good for the herd as a whole, because the general speed and health of the whole group keeps improving by the regular killing of the weakest members. In much the same way, the human brain can only operate as fast as the slowest brain cells. Now, as we know, excessive intake of alcohol kills brain cells. But naturally, it attacks the slowest and weakest brain cells first. In this way, regular consumption of beer eliminates the weaker brain cells, making the brain a faster and more efficient machine.

And that, Norm, is why you always feel smarter after a few beers.

Pfizer Announcement

Pfizer Corp. announced today that Viagra will soon be available in liquid form and will be marketed by Pepsi Cola as a power beverage suitable for use as a mixer. It will now be possible for a man to literally pour himself a stiff one. Obviously we can no longer call this a soft drink, and it gives new meaning to the names of ‘cocktails’, ‘highballs’ and just a good old-fashioned ‘stiff drink’.

Pepsi will market the new concoction by the name of: MOUNT & DO.

Thought for the day: There is more money being spent on breast implants and Viagra today than on Alzheimer’s research. This means that by 2040, there should be a large elderly population with perky boobs and huge erections and absolutely no recollection of what to do with them.

Dear Abby,
I am a 60-year-old woman who is married to a man who acts like he hates
me. In public, he pretends he loves me and talks about how wonderful I
am. But in private, he shakes his finger in my face and calls me the
‘B’ word. He constantly tells me how ugly I am without make-up.
I’ve tried everything, including a face-lift, botox treatments, and a
chin tuck. I even went on a diet and lost 20 pounds. He quit his job a
few years ago after having an affair with a woman in his office. He
hasn’t even looked for another job. We haven’t slept together since I
confronted him about the affair. He denied it, of course, but everybody
knew it. It was humiliating. I believe he is still messing around.
While we both want to sell this house, we argue constantly about when
to put it on the market. The house we want will be available in a few
months. My husband wants to put our house on the market now. I think we
should wait a while. He has already started collecting boxes and packing up his
stuff.
Do you think he is planning to leave me?
Signed,
Worried in NY
Dear Worried in NY:
I doubt it. He wants to move back into The White House as much as you
do.

Here is a cute little gift that you might just be able to afford with your rebate this year if the value of the dollar does not drop further.

But if the dollar keeps dropping, you will be lucky to view this image from your own broadband connection.

The IRS Pencil Sharpener

I’m from the IRS and I am here to help!

This is an image and caption from a recent viral email that I have received.  My own personal experience with IRS professionals has been very positive.  The IRS bureaucracy is definitely very problematic, but the people that keep that monster running are smart and talented.  Hopefully they get a laugh here from time to time to get through the day. 

A happy IRS agent has got to be good for everyone!

1. “Why did I marry her? Why didn’t I just put a loaded gun in my mouth? Why, God? Why?”
2. “Holy crap, look at that rear end. Somewhere, a semi-truck is missing its ‘Oversized Load’ sign.
3. “Somewhere, there are two willing girls naked in a hot tub and I’m stuck here listening to her jabber on about health care.
4. “Sheesh, Rush is sooooooo right – She does sound like Nurse Ratchett!”
5.  “My God, does that woman never shut up?”
6.  “I wonder if Monica still has the same phone number.”

7.  “Damn, Just think of the babes I could get with Barack’s Mojo!”
8.  “I can’t believe that asshole George sent me those those pictures of Condi pounding him with a strap on over my old desk in the Oval Office.  How the hell do you get an image like that out of your mind?”
9.  “She told me, she’d never blow me again unless she was elected President.  Not lookin’ so good right now .  .”

Here’s a nice little Viral Email joke with no curse words

I promise its still funny or else I will guarantee you a $1 – our normal policy.  Just send me $5 and a self addressed stamped envelope and I will send you a dollar for our guarantee.

The Smiths were unable to conceive children and decided to use a surrogate father to start their family. On the day the proxy father was to arrive, Mr. Smith kissed his wife goodbye and said, ‘Well, I’m off now. The man should be here soon.’

Half an hour later, just by chance, a door-to-door baby photographer happened to ring the doorbell, hoping to make a sale. ‘Good morning, Ma’am’, he said, ‘I’ve come to…’
‘Oh, no need to explain,’ Mrs. Smith cut in, embarrassed, ‘I’ve been expecting you.’

‘Have you really?’ said the photographer. ‘Well, that’s good. Did you know babies are my specialty?’

‘Well that’s what my husband and I had hoped. Please come in and have a seat’.

After a moment she asked, blushing, ‘Well, where do we start?’

‘Leave everything to me. I usually try two in the bathtub, one on the couch, and perhaps a couple on the bed. And sometimes the living room floor is fun. You can really spread out there.’

‘Bathtub, living room floor? No wonder it didn’t work out for Harry and me!’

‘Well, Ma’am, none of us can guarantee a good one every time. But if we try several different positions and I shoot from six or seven angles, I’m sure you’ll be pleased with the results.’

‘My, that’s a lot!’, gasped Mrs. Smith.

‘Ma’am, in my line of work a man has to take his time. I’d love to be In and out in five minutes, but I’m sure you’d be disappointed with that.’

‘Don’t I know it,’ said Mrs. Smith quietly.

The photographer opened his briefcase and pulled out a portfolio of his baby pictures. ‘This was done on the top of a bus,’ he said.

‘Oh, my God!’ Mrs. Smith exclaimed, grasping at her throat.

‘And these twins turned out exceptionally well – when you consider their mother was so difficult to work with.’

‘She was difficult?’ asked Mrs. Smith.

‘Yes, I’m afraid so. I finally had to take her to the park to get the job done right. People were crowding around four and five deep to get a good look’

‘Four and five deep?’ said Mrs. Smith, her eyes wide with amazement.

‘Yes’, the photographer replied. ‘And for more than three hours, too. The mother was constantly squealing and yelling – I could hardly concentrate, and when darkness approached I had to rush my shots. Finally, when the squirrels began nibbling on my equipment, I just had to pack it all in.’

Mrs. Smith leaned forward. ‘Do you mean they actually chewed on your, uh…equipment?’

‘It’s true, Ma’am, yes.. Well, if you’re ready, I’ll set-up my tripod and we can get to work right away.’

‘Tripod?’

‘Oh yes, Ma’am. I need to use a tripod to rest my Canon on. It’s much too big to be held in the hand very long.’

Mrs. Smith fainted

Send this to Every Woman or Drug Addict You Know . . .

Last night, I received an email from a relative compelling me to forward the email to ‘every woman I know.’  The email describes how women can call a quick number to confirm that an unmarked cop car is a cop and not someone looking to abduct or kill the woman.  Few people realize that there are many other numbers for similar situations that are imperative to have handy in case of an emergency.

Here are some Other numbers that you SHOULD put on your speed dial.  The ViralGrapeVine Research Team has tested each and everyone of these numbers in every jurisdiction of the United States and just like the Verizon Wireless asshole, we are working to test it in many remote areas where signal strength is poor(If you are dumb enough to be on Verizon that is just about everywhere).

1. *111119  – Is My Drug Dealer a Cop?  You should dial this number to confirm whether or not your drug dealer is an under cover cop.  This is not a free service.  You must first join the International brotherhood or International sisterhood (depending on your sex, cross dressers need not bother as they have other ways to check on a drug dealers credentials).  Membership costs $25 and a blow job per year. No application is necessary. If you are willing to give a blow job a year to be a member, you obviously are a drug user.
2. *269 – Is My Prostitute a Cop?  WARNING!  This service no longer works.  This service was originally established by Heidi Fleiss, but after her most recent conviction authorities have seized the equipment and are using it to sting johns.  They are also using the phone records to target past offenders.  We severely apologize to our readers that relied on this service and are now in prison.  (Tip!  Please see the number *VICK below if you are now in prison)
3. *925 – Is My John a Cop?  A service established by Pimp Profiteers of America.  The PPOA has developed many programs targeted at reducing costs and increasing inventory turns on the street.  They have consistently found that having their hookers jailed is bad for business.  Any hooker can use this service for free.  Penalties for failure to use this service are heavy handed.
4. *99999 – Is My Pilot a Suicidal Terrorist? – This service works best if you snap a picture of your Pilot and send it as a MMS to *99999 Subject: Should I shit Myself Now?
5. 411 – Is My President an Idiot?  – This is a free service that can readily be answered correctly by any Operator.  (Note if you are reading this article after January 2009, the answer will still be the same.  The Operators do get new training and new scripts, but that does not change the fact that you have to be an idiot to be President.)
6. *VICK (8425)- Is My Cell Mate and Night Time Rapist infected with Hepatitis C or HIV?  This hotline was originally set up for Michael Vick, but has become so popular that hold times typically are longer than the actual prison rape itself.  The answer becomes a moot point.
7. *1000000000 – Is My Prospective Sugar Daddy Really Rich? – This number is run by Jack Forbes a very distant cousin to the Forbes empire.  He worked as an intern for Forbes during college and snagged a copy of their richest man database on his Apple IPod Nano.  (Warning!  We have now learned that this service is very reliable with the exception of anyone calling to verify Jack Forbes.)
8. *6Inches – Bigger than Six Inches? Whether or not you are thinking about going on a date, preparing to go on a date or just met someone at da club, you can call *6Inches (6-462437) and they can confirm whether or not your bedtime prospect is packing more than 6 inches.  This service is sponsored by Big Brother John Inc. a company that specializes in placing spy cams in da club urinals around the world.  They profess a 93% accuracy rate.  Their revolutionary software can analyze the flaccid length of a penis and make a determination as to how long said penis will be when aroused.  Their team of scientists are still trying to get the kinks out of their girth measurement system.
9. *456789 – Did anyone see that?  This service is available for anyone that finds themselves in a situation where they need to make the call on whether to cover up and lie or confess immediately.   Dial 456789 state your name, social security number, the time, date, place, and any victims that might be unable to communicate, and you will receive information enabling this service to tell you if anyone saw you commit a potential criminal act within the last 10 minutes.  If your phone is GPS enabled, you can also use their interactive service if you are on Verizon.  They do record all calls and information so that they can improve their customer service, support, and accuracy.  This project is very well funded (Google is rumored to be the backer).  It is likely that the servers and records for this service will be one of the first servers to be shipped to the dark side of the moon outside of the jurisdiction of any terrestrial government.  Many people think that this service was originally created to serve Google founders who are very big freaks according to our researchers.
10. *4232 (HAFA) – Did I just Spot a Dead Celebrity?  Send a picture message of a potential dead celebrity to 4232 and their facial recognition program can determine if you saw the real McCoy or a look alike.  They have proven confirmations of Lincoln, Elvis, Jimmi Hendrix.  This service was originally set up by The HAFA family working on a no bid contract for the Department of Homeland Defense in New York and was expanded after a potential terrorist submission turned out to be Janis Joplin.  Cost – Each call or submission will result in a $1 charge to your wireless bill.  90% of that money will be squirreled away somewhere and the rest will go to administrative costs.

The Original Email with the number *77 to confirm a cop

> It was about 1:00 p.m. in the afternoon, and Lauren was driving to visit a friend. An UNMARKED police car pulled up behind her and put his lights on. Lauren’s parents have always told her never to pull over for an unmarked car on the side of the road, but rather to wait until they get to a gas station, etc.
>
> Lauren had actually listened to her parents advice, and promptly called *77 on her cell phone to tell the police dispatcher that she would not pull over right away. She proceeded to tell the dispatcher that there was an unmarked police car with a flashing red light on his rooftop behind her. The dispatcher checked to see if there were police cars where she was and there weren’t, and he told her to keep driving, remain calm and that he had back up already on the way.
>
> Ten minutes later 4 cop cars surrounded her and the unmarked car behind her. One policeman went to her side and the others surrounded the car behind. They pulled the guy from the car and tackled him to the ground. The man was a convicted rapist and wanted for other crimes.
>
> I never knew about the *77 Cell Phone feature, but especially for a woman alone in a car, you should not pull over for an unmarked car. Apparently police have to respect your right to keep going to a safe & quiet place. You obviously need to make some signals that you acknowledge them (i.e. put on your hazard lights) or call *77 like Lauren did.
>
> Too bad the cell phone companies don’t generally give you this little bit of wonderful information. Speaking to a service representative at Bell Mobility confirmed that *77 was a direct link to state trooper info. So, now it’s your turn to let your friends know about *77.
>
> Send this to every woman (and person) you know. It may save a life. This applies to all 50 states.

I have no idea if that number really works nationwide or anywhere for that matter.  If you are in the US, I’d suggest just dialing 911 if you are really worried about it.

You can verify the email above is legitimate because it still has the annoying forwarding symbols.

Finally, the ViralGrapeVine investigative team have deemed that the following Articles with similar titles to our own are out right frauds and should not be trusted.

1. http://www.marcandangel.com/2008/02/13/10-handy-numbers-to-save-in-your-mobile-phone/
2. http://www.huffingtonpost.com/_70214.html
3. http://www.bestlifeonline.com/cms/publish/best-success/10_Numbers_Every_Man_Should_Have_on_Speed_Dial.shtml

Our crack research team, or is it our research team on crack?  Anyway these assholes we pay in drugs, confirmed these fraudulent stories by doing a Google Search on the keywords “10 numbers you must have on speed dial”  These stories did not appear in the number one slot on Google and therefore are not to be trusted as Google is the one and only true god.  Furthermore, our fine editorial staff confirmed that these articles were full of lies, lies and damned lies by simply taking the word of our research team prior to passing out during a binge drinking episode, which is probably not to different to the methodology used by the authors and editors of these same three articles.

If you agree that Google is the one and only true god, please consider linking to our story with the keywords “10 numbers you must have on speed dial”, Otherwise may Google have mercy on your soul….

Code for linking to 10 Numbers You Must have on Speed Dial

<a href="http://www.viralgrapevine.com/10-numbers-you-must-have-on-speed-dial-or-else/"
title="Get these Numbers to Buy Drugs and sleep with hookers or cell mates safely, I did!"
>10 numbers you must have on speed dial</a>

See where it all began . . .

Then Little Johnny grew up, played too many video games, went to college, picked up a degree in animation and graphic design, hooked up with a musical buddy and started producing music videos on Revver.

Republicans love to hate Hillary Clinton just about as much as they think they  love Ronald Reagan, but the old bag (the one that is alive) seems to have pulled a fast one on Conservative Republicans.

A recent report by Matt at the DrugReport indicates that Hillary Clinton raised $2 million directly from Conservative Republicans that thought they were making fun of Hillary.

Her campaign proxies appear to have sold about 200,000 of these t-shirts at $20 each for a $10 profit.

Joke is apparently on the Republicans.  They may have thought that Hillary doesn’t like the C$^+ word, but they didn’t know that the C$^+ word was code for CASH!

This viral email is a complaint about all of those highly paid, and over paid public school teachers draining away our tax revenues. 

Teachers’ hefty salaries are driving up taxes, and they only work 9 or 10 months a year! It’s time we put things in perspective and pay them for what they do – baby sit!

We can get that for less than minimum wage. That’s right. Let’s give them $3.00 an hour and only the hours they worked; not any of that silly planning time, or any time they spend on class work before or after school.

That would be $19.50 a day (7:45to 3:00 PM with 45 min. off for lunch and plan — that equals 6 1/2 hours). Each parent should pay $19.50 a day for these teachers to baby-sit their children.

Now how many do they teach in day…maybe 30? So that’s $19.50 x 30 = $585.00 a day. However, remember they only work

180 days a year!!! I am not going to pay them for any vacations.

LET’S SEE…. That’s $585 X 180= $105,300 per year. (Hold on! My calculator needs new batteries).

What about those special education teachers and the ones with Master’s degrees? Well, we could pay them minimum wage ($7.75), and just to be fair, round it off to $8.00 an hour. That would be $8 X 6 1/2 hours X 30 children X 180 days =$280,800 per year.

Wait a minute — there’s something wrong here!

There sure is! The average teacher’s salary (nationwide) is $50,000. $50,000/180 days = $277.77/per day/30 students=$9. 25/6.5 hours = $1.42 per hour per student –a very inexpensive baby-sitter and they even EDUCATE your kids!)

Amazingly this was actually sent to me by one of those overly paid school teachers, that obviously felt guilty about the exorbitant salary she receives from the county where she teaches school.  When I think about the good, that money could be going to like paying for a new football stadium, or giving a tax break to a big pig farming operation to work a few years, pollute the waters and leave town in the middle of the night, or how that money would be better spent if President Bush just had a little more money to invest spying on all of us Americans that are threatening the lives of hard working terrorists in Afghanistan and Pakistan.  Those over paid school teachers should be ashamed of themselves!

School Teachers Should go back to being paid with room and board and apples!

These Diamond ads didn’t fly, but they did fly virally into my email inbox.  Have you seen these before?

  In fact, if you even smirk while looking at these with your loved one, you are likely to be stuck in the dog house without any sex for at least a month.

Unless you buy her a great big diamond ring.

And then there is that politically and possibly sexually incorrect ad that actually ironically hints at just how those diamonds make it to jewelers outside of Africa.

Unanswered Questions

If you are very astute you may have noticed several unanswered questions that I did not mention in our article on How Taxes Really work for the sake of brevity.  If by chance you do not like these questions or the answers to these questions then do something to fix the system that is creating them or send me $100 and I will write an alternate version for you within the next 10 years.

1. Why didn’t the bar just give the tenth man $ 1 instead of taking $9 and paying $10?
1. The tenth man needed a receipt for the governments $10 paid to the bar, and the bar needed to launder $9 in drug and prostitution money they brought in under the table.
2. What happened to the United States?
1. The United States was seized by France that holds control over the country in the name of the Chinese that are moving here by the boat load.  France was chosen to appease them as they still have nuclear weapons and they were seen as the lesser of two evils by the Chinese as compared to Russia.
3. What Happened to the President of the United States?
1. He fled the country, sought sanctuary in Saudi Arabia where he converted to Islam.  His wife and daughters fled with him and they have not been seen since.  It is assumed that they are simply veiled now, but many people suspect that his wife was stoned to death and that his daughters were sold into bondage to a Bin Laden family member related to Osama.
4. There are several company names mentioned in this article, do they refer to actual companies or actual events?
1. These refer to actual events but do not refer to actual companies.  Any similarity of names in this account and real company names are solely the result of chance and possibly a faulty spell check system.  Any possible real companies with similar names would likely be far more greedy.
5. After the tenth man didn’t have to pay for beer, how did you come up with the percentages?
1. At $18, $12, $7, $3, and $1 the remaining paying people were paying a total of $41 dollars.  I then determined what percentage of $41 each was paying.  That broke down as  57%, 38%, 22%, 10% and 3%.  So I was then easily able to multiply these percentages by the new total of $130.
6. Did the bar have to shut down after they lost all of their customers and their aluminum kegs?
1. No, because they made their real money in prostitution and drugs, which increased as more people got into financial trouble and as more people needed to make money.  The bar actually expanded and eventually took over an old Wal-mart (the non super type) where people could go to buy their drugs and spend 5 minutes with a prostitute.  Ironically by that time most of the prostitutes were former wives of their customers.  The bar was also by now owned by the Chinese, who had essentially learned how to prostitute American Wives to their American husbands and take their money for the privilege.
7. Is the ViralGrapeVine Guarantee for Real?  How about the Tooth Fairy?
1. No, I we do not want your money and we definitely do not want your self addressed stamped envelopes that’s why we did not provide an address.  If you send us money, we’ll charge you a $5 fee for wasting our time, and then we will do our best to write up something witty to make the rest of our readers laugh.
2. The Tooth Fairy is definitely real, She’s also very hot in bed!  I’ve got pictures, if you want to see them send me $5 along with a self addressed stamped envelope.  The lighting is a little dark, but you can make out enough to know whether I’m pulling your leg or not.

There is a bogus viral email that you may notice floating through your email from time to time called “How Tax Cuts Work” by David R. Kamerschen, Professor.  First, no one knows who really wrote this article or joke (below) Professor Kamerschen refutes the fact that he is the author.  It was in fact originally circulated in 2001 or 2002 under the name of T. Davies.

The article is written in a way to make a political point about taxes.  It hopes to present a truism with a simple analogy.  In the simplicity of the analogy the truth is supposed to be revealed that it takes someone with money to pay for things and make expensive things affordable for the poor.  (like Cake)

Below is the original story and below that is the way that tax systems would really work with this type of an analogy in a full political and economic system.  The full system analogy is neither simple nor altruistic.

Now, this is a long bit of an article to read, but I promise you that it is interesting.

The ViralGrapeVine Guarantee

If you do not find it interesting, send me $5 for postage and handling along with a self addressed and stamped envelope and I will send you a dollar!  You will then have $1 and an interesting story to tell about how you earned that dollar.

“How Tax Cuts Work” – the original viral email

Let’s put tax cuts in terms everyone can understand.

Suppose that every night, ten men go to their favorite bar for beer. The tab for all ten
comes to $100 for ten pitchers. If they paid their bill the way we pay our taxes, it would go something like
this:

• The first four men (the poorest) would pay nothing.
• The fifth would pay $1.
• The sixth would pay $3.
• The seventh $7.
• The eighth $12.
• The ninth $18.
• The tenth man (the richest) would pay $59.

So, that’s what they decided to do. The ten men drank in the bar every night and seemed quite happy with the
arrangement, until one day, the owner threw them a curve.

“Since you are all such good customers,” he said, “I’m going to reduce the cost of your nightly tab by $20.”

So, now drinks for the ten only cost $80. The group still wanted to pay their tab the way we pay our taxes.  So, the first four men were unaffected. They would still drink for free.

But what about the other six, the paying customers?

How could they divvy up the $20 windfall so that everyone would get his ‘fair share’?

The six men realized that $20 divided by six is $3.33. But if they subtracted that from everybody’s share, then the fifth man and the sixth man would each end up being ‘PAID‘ to drink beer!

So, the bar owner suggested that it would be fair to reduce each man’s bill by roughly the same amount, and he proceeded to work out the amounts each should pay.

And so:

• The fifth man, like the first four, now paid nothing (100% savings).
• The sixth now paid $2 instead of $3 (33% savings).
• The seventh now paid $5 instead of $7 (28% savings).
• The eighth now paid $9 instead of $12 (25% savings).
• The ninth now paid $14 instead of $18 (22% savings).
• The tenth now paid $49 instead of $59 (16% savings).

Each of the six was better off than before. And the first four continued to drink for free. But once drunk and outside the bar, the men began to compare their savings.

“I only got a dollar out of the $20,” declared the sixth man. He pointed to the tenth man “but he got $10!”

“Yeah, that’s right,” exclaimed the fifth man. “I only saved a dollar, too. It’s unfair that he got ten times more than me!”

“That’s true!!” shouted the seventh man. “Why should he get $10 back when I got only $2? The wealthy get all the breaks!”

“Wait a minute,” yelled the first four men in unison. “We didn’t get anything at all. The system exploits the poor!”

The nine men surrounded the tenth and beat him up.

The next night the tenth man didn’t show up at the bar, so the nine sat down and drank without him. But when it came time to pay the tab, they discovered something important. They didn’t have enough money  between all of them for
even half of the tab!

And that, boys and girls, journalists and college professors, is how our tax system works. The people who pay the highest taxes get the most benefit from a tax reduction. Tax them too much, attack them for being wealthy, and they just may not show up to pick up the tab anymore.

David R. Kamerschen, Ph.D.
Distinguished Professor of Economics
536 Brooks Hall
University of Georgia

OK, so in that example you are treated like ‘boys and girls’ and offered up a simple analogy that any beer drinker could relate to and it is asserted by someone that would appear to know what they are talking about.

Its all bogus, including the lesson,

How Taxes Really Work

To start with . . . .

In the US and throughout most of the rest of the world, the tenth man would have paid off a politician for $10 to get a beer subsidy of $30 per night(to create jobs for the bartender). Of this $30, $10 of course would have covered the lobbying expense, $10 would go in his own pocket, $1 would go to the bartender to keep his mouth shut, and $9 would go to the bar.

The Bar would give him a kickback of $10 each night for bringing in his 9 buddies to make them into alcoholics, repeat customers for life.

The Bar would then raise their prices to $130 citing inflation and higher taxes.

The tenth richest man would then secure his finances in a Dutch Holding Company managed by a trust in Ireland which invests in Chase and Bank of America. He would then explain to his buddies that he is as poor as the rest of them and can’t afford to pay himself as he cries into his beer that night citing his latest financial report which shows him to be broke on paper so that he doesn’t have to pay taxes in the United States ever again.

Citing his former generosity, the other nine men would agree that the tenth man can now pay nothing like the 4 poorest.

The others would then be faced with an adjusted amount of

• The fifth would pay $3.
• The sixth would pay $10.
• The seventh would pay $22.
• The eighth would pay $38.
• The ninth would pay $57.

Now the group would recognize that this is not fair and so would lobby the Government for an Earned Drinking Credit for the Poorest men. The government would oblige and give the four poorest men $2 each, but they would tax the 5th – 9th men $2 each as well.

• 4 men receive a total of $8 and 5 men pay $10.

The adjusted amounts would then look like this for all 10

• First Receives $2 pays $2 | Net 0
• Second Receives $2 pays $2 | Net 0
• Third Receives $2 pays $2 | Net 0
• Fourth Receives $2 pays $2 | Net 0
• Fifth Pay $1 to bar pays $2 to tax | net paid $3
• Sixth Pay $8 to bar; pays $2 to tax | net paid $10
• Seventh Pay $20 to bar; pays $2 to tax | net paid $22
• Eighth Pay $36 to bar pays $2 to tax | net paid $38
• Ninth Pay $55 to bar; pays $2 to tax | net paid $57
• Tenth Man:  Tax Credit Received: $30 ;
  Pays $10 to politician;
  $1 to bartender;
  Receives $10 from Bar
  Net RECEIVED $29 per night and free beer

Of course this can not go on forever as the sixth, seventh, eighth and ninth men can’t afford to pay those rates forever. So they start paying with their credit cards held by Bank of America and Chase.

The tenth man would start demanding a higher Return on Investment from his investment managers, who would be hearing similar requests from all of their other investors. They would then expand their holdings into mortgaged back securities where a good deal more profit could be made.

Meanwhile the Fifth through ninth men are racking up debt on their credit cards from drinking every night, their health care costs are increasing as their liver fails, and they are also spending more on gasoline as they drink and drive as they can no longer afford to cab it.

Ultimately, they end up refinancing their credit cards into their house where they have equity. The mortgage broker promises them a 4.9% interest rate on the refinance which sounds good as their credit card interest rate is up to 21%. The broker promises them that they will not have to verify their income, provide W2′s nor copies of their tax paper work.

Their mortgage broker doesn’t tell them, but lies about the value of their house in order to refinance their credit and help them avoid paying private mortgage insurance. At their current income levels, and without verifying their income, their mortgage would be classified as Sub Prime and the interest rate would be 10.9%

The mortgage officer lies about their income levels as well to boost the internal credit scoring mechanism and get them financed, not at 4.9% but 5.9%, which is better than 10.9% and happens to pay the mortgage broker a higher commission than a loan at 4.9% that is not sub prime.

The mortgage broker also promises them a payment of $900 per month, but fails to mention the balloon payment of $50,000 in the 5th year and doesn’t mention the adjustable rates in year 3.

The men separately show up with a hangover and sun glasses on the date of their close for their new mortgages. They trust their broker and do not read the paperwork in detail flipping and signing almost as fast as they could raise a beer bottle to their lips.

The loan closes, the mortgage broker gets a fat commission, the bank securitizes the mortgages by selling them to an Irish Hedge Fund and pockets collectively a billion dollars in profits that year.

The hedge fund holds the investment for a year, shows a 35% gain on paper and starts selling shares to retirement funds and 401ks in the US that the Sixth through 9th men just happen to have the rest of their life savings sitting in.

The tenth man sees the writing on the wall, literally magic marker on a stall in the restroom of the bar.

“The end is Nigh”

He pulls his money out of the Irish Hedge fund invested in real estate and invests in Gold at $600 a troy ounce.

Meanwhile, he lobbies congress to tighten bankruptcy laws for credit cards which he still has a sizable investment in. Congress tightens bankruptcy laws and makes it impossible to absolve credit card debt, forcing people into chapter 13 where they must pay off the debt within 3 years or go to debtors prison where they can work it off in 7 years.

Gas prices are still going up so the President ignores a minor terrorist threat, allows the terrorists to blow up a major building and then goes to war with the terrorists home country where there is no oil, and simultaneously with a country that sits on 10% of the worlds oil reserves that has a decimated military infrastructure.

Oil prices shoot through the roof with Gold following close behind. The President whose family comes from oil barons make a fortune and become famous at their skull and bones country club outside of Yale.

Meanwhile our famous 10 guys, start paying even more money at the pump. The first 4 guys end up taking second jobs working at Wal-Mart and have to give up drinking at the bar so that they can try and beat their teenage kids out of a promotion.

The fifth and sixth guys get foreclosed upon. They were forced to stop paying their mortgage payments so that they could pay their mandatory credit card payments as required by the new bankruptcy law.

The seventh, eighth and ninth men all previously traded up their homes for McMansions that they can not afford with interest only payments of $2300 a month. When foreclosures start happening their plans on flipping their McMansions and cashing in on the equity slips through their fingers.

To make matters worse seven and eight get laid off from the companies they work for when their jobs get outsourced to China. The ninth man keeps his job at a law firm, but fails to notice that his 401k fund is slipping and has lost 10% in the last year. Things are looking up as his law firm seems on the edge of landing a big contract with Merrill Lynch.

Then the real estate crash and sub prime mortgage scandal erupt. Banks start dropping like flies to be saved not by the cash strapped government that can barely afford the war for oil any longer, but by China. Oil and Gold soar, Gold hits $900 a troy ounce and Oil hits $130 a barrel (about the same amount for 10 rounds of beer prior to the crash). Beer prices hold steady for the first few months, but then start to edge up as gas prices for delivery creep into the bar owners expenses.

Then the first four men one night remember their favorite bar. They sneak around back around 4:30 am and steal 50 empty kegs that just happen to be made of pure aluminum. Those kegs are now worth about half the value of a keg that is full in scrap metal prices or about $80.

They are not stupid and don’t want to get caught turning the kegs in at the dump where the police are already looking for keg thieves. So they head out to the closed down manufacturing plant where they used to work. They start a big fire, and melt down the aluminum into big messy aluminum splashes on the cement.

They turn in the aluminum for cash and get caught up on their back alimony and child support before heading back to work at Wal-mart where they now work for their teen age kids that beat them out for that promotion earlier in the month because their job skills weren’t as good as recent high school graduates.  They then begin dreaming of new ways to find aluminum alimony allowances.

Meanwhile, the banks and mortgage companies lobby congress spending about $10,000 a head in an election year to bail out the economy. Congress provides the major banks with government backed loans to refinance the bad sub prime loans so that the government can personally guarantee those bad loans. They also put $100 billion of actual cash into the hands of Americans hoping to stimulate the economy.

Americans however, are all in debt up to their eye balls and use the extra $1200 they receive to make 2-3 credit card payments. They take the $300 for each kid and buy groceries for the month and then they start worrying about next month.

The banks get away free as they have Chinese financing now and no bad loans as they have refinanced them over to the US Government. The US government had to print more money to pay for all of these actions and so Gold goes up to $1500 a troy ounce.

The tenth man is now worth Billions and moves to Costa Rica to retire taking the new trophy wife that used to be the bartenders girl friend with him.

The first four men end up going to county prison for 3 months for stealing aluminum dog crap receptacles after running out of kegs to steal.

The fifth and sixth men end up living in an apartment and then homeless after they lose their jobs at Wal-Mart.

The seventh and eighth men whom we previously left hanging in our story after they lost their jobs and ability to pay for their homes, end up losing their homes, and their kids. They and their spouses are each convicted of mortgage fraud by the FBI in a major sting operation after it is revealed that they lied on their mortgage applications. Their mortgage brokers who actually did the paper work cop a plea agreement in exchange for immunity with the Feds and rat out each of their unsuspecting customers.

The ninth man ends up losing his entire retirement fund which took a big hit as the dollar rapidly plummeted into free fall. He ends up refinancing his own house under a government backed loan for $650,000. Unfortunately, a tornado comes through that winter in a freak coincidence and levels the home. FEMA promises to provide assistance but never shows up and the ninth man freezes to death attempting to salvage the shreds of his belongings. His home insurance policy refuses to pay as they claim that his house was over valued and then they prove it with comparables studies from his own mortgage brokers database.

The tenth man ends up dumping his new bride a year later, moving back to the states a year after that when the US appears to have hit rock bottom and he leads up a Chinese real estate investment initiative in the states. He makes another $10 billion in ten years, but is then executed in Beijing for espionage.

Meanwhile, the bar tender goes on to win American Idol and sleep with Paula Abdul. They are now blissfully happy, doped up on anti-psychotics, and the biggest two idiots the world has ever seen.

EDIT – Note this article is not written to refute the article titled ‘How Tax Cuts Work’ by David R Kamerschen. That is because David R Kamerschen refutes having ever written the original! This is just an article to expand on the concept of the original article written by an unknown viral writer.

This is truly a viral joke and I received it an email yet again today.  A quick web search turned up a schlew of hits for the same joke posted all over the internet. 

This joke is funny not because it makes fun of African American politicians, but because it makes fun of two men with big egos.  Personally, I wish Al Sharpton had faired better and become President.  I’d pick him over Barack Obama any day.  That said, I’ll take any good joke wherever I can find it.

The Reverends Jesse Jackson and Al Sharpton, while
visiting a primary school class, found themselves in
the middle of a discussion related to words and their
meanings.

The teacher asked both men if they would like to lead
the discussion of the word “tragedy”. So the
illustrious Rev Jackson asks the class for an
example of a “tragedy”.

One little boy stood up and offered: “If my best
friend, who lives on a farm, is playing in the field
and a runaway tractor comes along and knocks him dead,
that would be a tragedy.”

“No,” says the Great Jesse Jackson, “that would be an
accident.”

A little girl raised her hand: “If a school bus
carrying 50 children drove over a cliff, killing
everyone inside, that would be a tragedy.”

I’m afraid not,” explains the exalted Reverend Al.

That’s what we would call a great loss.” The room
goes silent. No other children volunteered.

Reverend Al searches the room. “Isn’t there someone
here who can give me an example of a tragedy?”

Finally at the back of the room little Johnny raises
his hand. In a stern voice he says: “If a plane
carrying the Reverends Jackson and Sharpton were
struck by a missile and blown to smithereens that
would be a tragedy.”

“Fantastic!” exclaims Jackson and Sharpton, “That’s
right. And can you tell me why that would be a
tragedy?”

“Well,” says little Johnny, “because it sure as hell
wouldn’t be a great loss, and it probably wouldn’t be
an accident either.”

I received this viral email the other day demonstrating a hypothetical way to explain the birds and the bees and oral sex to your children.

If you are crazy enough to actually try this method with your kids, don’t let me here about how that turned out for you.  I suspect I can already guess . . . .   grandma!