Send this to Every Woman or Drug Addict You Know . . .
Last night, I received an email from a relative compelling me to forward the email to ‘every woman I know.’ The email describes how women can call a quick number to confirm that an unmarked cop car is a cop and not someone looking to abduct or kill the woman. Few people realize that there are many other numbers for similar situations that are imperative to have handy in case of an emergency.
Here are some Other numbers that you SHOULD put on your speed dial. The ViralGrapeVine Research Team has tested each and everyone of these numbers in every jurisdiction of the United States and just like the Verizon Wireless asshole, we are working to test it in many remote areas where signal strength is poor(If you are dumb enough to be on Verizon that is just about everywhere).
*111119 - Is My Drug Dealer a Cop? You should dial this number to confirm whether or not your drug dealer is an under cover cop. This is not a free service. You must first join the International brotherhood or International sisterhood (depending on your sex, cross dressers need not bother as they have other ways to check on a drug dealers credentials). Membership costs $25 and a blow job per year. No application is necessary. If you are willing to give a blow job a year to be a member, you obviously are a drug user.- *269 - Is My Prostitute a Cop? WARNING! This service no longer works. This service was originally established by Heidi Fleiss, but after her most recent conviction authorities have seized the equipment and are using it to sting johns. They are also using the phone records to target past offenders. We severely apologize to our readers that relied on this service and are now in prison. (Tip! Please see the number *VICK below if you are now in prison)
- *925 - Is My John a Cop? A service established by Pimp Profiteers of America. The PPOA has developed many programs targeted at reducing costs and increasing inventory turns on the street. They have consistently found that having their hookers jailed is bad for business. Any hooker can use this service for free. Penalties for failure to use this service are heavy handed.
- *99999 - Is My Pilot a Suicidal Terrorist? - This service works best if you snap a picture of your Pilot and send it as a MMS to *99999 Subject: Should I shit Myself Now?
- 411 - Is My President an Idiot? - This is a free service that can readily be answered correctly by any Operator. (Note if you are reading this article after January 2009, the answer will still be the same. The Operators do get new training and new scripts, but that does not change the fact that you have to be an idiot to be President.)
- *VICK (8425)- Is My Cell Mate and Night Time Rapist infected with Hepatitis C or HIV? This hotline was originally set up for Michael Vick, but has become so popular that hold times typically are longer than the actual prison rape itself. The answer becomes a moot point.
- *1000000000 - Is My Prospective Sugar Daddy Really Rich? - This number is run by Jack Forbes a very distant cousin to the Forbes empire. He worked as an intern for Forbes during college and snagged a copy of their richest man database on his Apple IPod Nano. (Warning! We have now learned that this service is very reliable with the exception of anyone calling to verify Jack Forbes.)
- *6Inches - Bigger than Six Inches? Whether or not you are thinking about going on a date, preparing to go on a date or just met someone at da club, you can call *6Inches (6-462437) and they can confirm whether or not your bedtime prospect is packing more than 6 inches. This service is sponsored by Big Brother John Inc. a company that specializes in placing spy cams in da club urinals around the world. They profess a 93% accuracy rate. Their revolutionary software can analyze the flaccid length of a penis and make a determination as to how long said penis will be when aroused. Their team of scientists are still trying to get the kinks out of their girth measurement system.
- *456789 - Did anyone see that? This service is available for anyone that finds themselves in a situation where they need to make the call on whether to cover up and lie or confess immediately. Dial 456789 state your name, social security number, the time, date, place, and any victims that might be unable to communicate, and you will receive information enabling this service to tell you if anyone saw you commit a potential criminal act within the last 10 minutes. If your phone is GPS enabled, you can also use their interactive service if you are on Verizon. They do record all calls and information so that they can improve their customer service, support, and accuracy. This project is very well funded (Google is rumored to be the backer). It is likely that the servers and records for this service will be one of the first servers to be shipped to the dark side of the moon outside of the jurisdiction of any terrestrial government. Many people think that this service was originally created to serve Google founders who are very big freaks according to our researchers.
- *4232 (HAFA) - Did I just Spot a Dead Celebrity? Send a picture message of a potential dead celebrity to 4232 and their facial recognition program can determine if you saw the real McCoy or a look alike. They have proven confirmations of Lincoln, Elvis, Jimmi Hendrix. This service was originally set up by The HAFA family working on a no bid contract for the Department of Homeland Defense in New York and was expanded after a potential terrorist submission turned out to be Janis Joplin. Cost - Each call or submission will result in a $1 charge to your wireless bill. 90% of that money will be squirreled away somewhere and the rest will go to administrative costs.
The Original Email with the number *77 to confirm a cop
> It was about 1:00 p.m. in the afternoon, and Lauren was driving to visit a friend. An UNMARKED police car pulled up behind her and put his lights on. Lauren’s parents have always told her never to pull over for an unmarked car on the side of the road, but rather to wait until they get to a gas station, etc.
>
> Lauren had actually listened to her parents advice, and promptly called *77 on her cell phone to tell the police dispatcher that she would not pull over right away. She proceeded to tell the dispatcher that there was an unmarked police car with a flashing red light on his rooftop behind her. The dispatcher checked to see if there were police cars where she was and there weren’t, and he told her to keep driving, remain calm and that he had back up already on the way.
>
> Ten minutes later 4 cop cars surrounded her and the unmarked car behind her. One policeman went to her side and the others surrounded the car behind. They pulled the guy from the car and tackled him to the ground. The man was a convicted rapist and wanted for other crimes.
>
> I never knew about the *77 Cell Phone feature, but especially for a woman alone in a car, you should not pull over for an unmarked car. Apparently police have to respect your right to keep going to a safe & quiet place. You obviously need to make some signals that you acknowledge them (i.e. put on your hazard lights) or call *77 like Lauren did.
>
> Too bad the cell phone companies don’t generally give you this little bit of wonderful information. Speaking to a service representative at Bell Mobility confirmed that *77 was a direct link to state trooper info. So, now it’s your turn to let your friends know about *77.
>
> Send this to every woman (and person) you know. It may save a life. This applies to all 50 states.
I have no idea if that number really works nationwide or anywhere for that matter. If you are in the US, I’d suggest just dialing 911 if you are really worried about it.
You can verify the email above is legitimate because it still has the annoying forwarding symbols.
Finally, the ViralGrapeVine investigative team have deemed that the following Articles with similar titles to our own are out right frauds and should not be trusted.
- http://www.marcandangel.com/2008/02/13/10-handy-numbers-to-save-in-your-mobile-phone/
- http://www.huffingtonpost.com/_70214.html
- http://www.bestlifeonline.com/cms/publish/best-success/10_Numbers_Every_Man_Should_Have_on_Speed_Dial.shtml
Our crack research team, or is it our research team on crack? Anyway these assholes we pay in drugs, confirmed these fraudulent stories by doing a Google Search on the keywords “10 numbers you must have on speed dial” These stories did not appear in the number one slot on Google and therefore are not to be trusted as Google is the one and only true god. Furthermore, our fine editorial staff confirmed that these articles were full of lies, lies and damned lies by simply taking the word of our research team prior to passing out during a binge drinking episode, which is probably not to different to the methodology used by the authors and editors of these same three articles.
If you agree that Google is the one and only true god, please consider linking to our story with the keywords “10 numbers you must have on speed dial”, Otherwise may Google have mercy on your soul….
Code for linking to 10 Numbers You Must have on Speed Dial
<a href=”http://www.viralgrapevine.com/10-numbers-you-must-have-on-speed-dial-or-else/”
title=”Get these Numbers to Buy Drugs and sleep with hookers or cell mates safely, I did!”
>10 numbers you must have on speed dial</a>
