Once a year, we must all submit to bathing our eye balls.  Those nasty orbs get relatively filthy without regular cleansing.  While it is true that water on your eye balls can infect you with demons who will make you succumb to the practices of the devil, it is also true you have to clean them regularly.

So in case you were feeling reluctant about this years eye ball scrub, we thought we’d share this nice image of David Hasselhoff wearing an 80’s style bikini.   

Enjoy your scrub!

Yes Man may have been one of Jim Carrey’s best movies, but the decision to come back for a second round with ‘No Man’ almost proved fatal for the comedic genius who reportedly toppled off the back of a scooter while wearing a dog suit.  Carrey was filming his first gay bestiality scene as the movie served up one impossible situation after the next in which his character should have said No Man!

But somebody should sure as hell tell the goats that some day soon or we’re going to run out of trees.

1. Toyota – We’ll Get you to work faster!  Like it or not
2. Toyota – Providing Speeding Ticket Alibis for over 40 years
3. Toyota- Cruise control was never more automated
4. Toyota—You’ll never test drive another car, after you test drive a Prius.
5. Prius—We’re fighting the root cause of global warming with our new Prius accelerator design.  Its wiping out the real source of emissions, You!
6. Toyota Public Service Message – We at Toyota want you to phone your Congressman and demand an increase to speed limits so that your new Toyota can travel at the speeds it was designed to travel at, when it wants to travel at that speed.
7. Toyota – Moving forward whether you like it or not
8. Toyota Customer Reviews – I’m in my Toyota now, I’d love to stop and help you but I can’t stop
9. Toyota on the Recall—We’re sure you recall when we made great cars.
10. Toyota–For those who like to go everywhere flat out.
11. Toyota—Get Ready for the ride of your life!
12. Toyota—With all new super glue throttle control

Now for a quick sponsor image…

Additional Toyota Jokes in the News

• "Toyota’s slogan is ‘Moving Forward’ — they don’t say anything in there about stopping." –Stephen Colbert on the Comedy Channel’s The Colbert Report.
• "Over the next two weeks, we’re going to have the Winter Olympics. … They’re doing something this year that is going to add a little more excitement. All the bobsleds are made by Toyota." — NBC’s Jay Leno.
• "Critics of the automobile industry are saying that Toyota executives knew about the problems with the brakes years and years ago. And they’re wondering … why did they drag their feet? Well, trying to stop the car. That’s what they were doing." — CBS’ David Letterman.
• "The recall is so scary that as he is driving to work: The navigation lady was actually praying." — Also from Letterman

• "To make sure Bill Clinton’s heart doesn’t stop, doctors put in a special pacemaker made by Toyota." — Gary B. at Dailycomedy.com
• "Toyota should borrow the ad slogan from Energizer batteries: "It keeps going and going." — Cara Tramontano on DailyComedy.com, with some massaging by Drive On.
• "The new model from Toyota this spring, the Toyota Apology: It gets two repair shops to the gallon" — Bix Brillo on DailyComedy.com
• "What do Toyota and Tiger Woods have in common?  They both don’t know when to stop."

Toyota Jokers on Twitter

"Toyota (acronym) This One You Oughta Tow Away." – @vizmagnafarta

"Toyota – Putting the "liability" in "reliability."" – @standupfalldown

Local geese in Rochester, NY are becoming more and more concerned that the growing airplane problem is getting out of hand.  The situation came to a head this week when a local gaggle attempted to usher an airplane away from geese mating areas.

“No matter how much we honked and flapped our wings at the foolish plane, it wouldn’t change course.” airman second class Ferlunky Feddermine stated during a press conference.  “Some of the members of our wing got carried away and decided to take matters into their own feathers by flying straight at the plane, but the clunky dim witted metal bird could not turn away fast enough.  Two birds were wounded and 3 were killed, names will be released to the media once their next of kin hatches and can be notified.”

Over the last hundred years this new species of metal bird has proven to be more and more problematic.  The deaf and dumb creatures of the sky have very little ability to avoid other birds, they do not float nor swim well, and they seem to be mostly constipated except when they drop the most curious frozen blue feces while in flight, typically at very high altitudes.

A lady picked up several items at a discount store. When she finally got up to the checker, she learned that one of her items had no price tag.

Imagine her embarrassment when the checker got on the intercom and boomed out for the entire store to hear, " PRICE CHECK ON LANE THIRTEEN, TAMPAX SUPER SIZE."

That was bad enough, but somebody at the rear of the store apparently misunderstood the word "Tampax" for THUMBTACKS." In a business-like tone, a voice boomed back over the intercom.

"DO YOU WANT THE KIND YOU PUSH IN WITH YOUR THUMB OR THE KIND YOU POUND IN WITH A HAMMER?"

Diane E. Amov

I saw this image sent virally in emails several time this last week, then I saw it on Facebook too.  Its not right, but its funny.  Probably, a lot funnier if you are there for the picture (with orders to ship home immediately).

Maybe you sometimes ask the absurd question, Why do Boys Need Parents?  Well odds, are you never ask that question, but you probably have seen this viral email floating around, or bits and pieces of it.  I swear the list of pictures gets longer every time I see it.

Why boys need parents….

!









 

This viral email of course comes with the obligatory threat that you must pass it along or else

If you don’t send this to a few old friends, there will be fewer people laughing in the world and then your first born will be fed to one of the people in this photo series.

In a move that experts believe will catch on around the country, many drivers in New York are attempting to ‘lane pool’ in order to reduce the cost of tolls.  A Lane pooler essentially shares the same exact lane space with another car.  Instead of 2 cars driving in single file in the same lane, they drive side by side, thus reducing linear congestion.

Drivers that wish to benefit from lane pooling may need to have their cars slightly modified in one of the newly provided lane pooling modification centers.  During lane pooling modification, two cars are analyzed very carefully by experts to determine if they will be able to fit side by side within a standard sized toll road.

If the cars are slightly too wide, their vehicles can be right sized for lane pooling for a nominal extra fee of $200 which will generally pay for itself for drivers that would take more than 10 trips on any given toll road in the the New York area next year. 

New Jersey is also considering lane pooling options for its state.  As more New York lane poolers start to travel to New Jersey, they sometimes attempt to continue lane pooling across the state border.

Unfortunately, they currently still have to pay the old 2 car rate.  That may change as the state takes up new legislation that would both allow a non-driver in a vehicle to pump gas for that vehicle at gas stations, and a new tax credit for a air filters that can be installed on bumpers.  These air filters are similar in design to deer whistles that frighten away deer on the side of the road, but in this case the filters, filter CO2 emissions.

Insiders are reporting that Marge Simpson’s Playboy cover and pullout centerfold also features an interview of the Blue Haired bombshell.  In that interview Marge reportedly discusses her recent months at the Playboy bunny ranch and her skype phone counseling sessions with the Octomom. 

Octomom reportedly had a short term fling with former child star Bart Simpson this summer, something many close friends described as payback against her ex husband.  Marge got involved to make sure that her son was not ‘emotionally injured in the crossfire’ but later became close with Kate.

Now, in the interview in Playboy, Marge seems to be extending an olive branch to Kate to reconsider posing in the world’s most famous gentlemen’s magazine.

Separately, the Simpson camp is fighting off a bit of a scandal as pictures of Marge receiving a Brazilian wax job in preparation for her centerfold have been leaked to the internet.  Her people were quick to point out that the images were probably doctored as “Mrs. Simpson is a cartoon character and with the exception of her Blue Doo, doesn’t have much body hair to speak of…”

 Homer Simpson reportedly recently purchased a digital camera and a Mac with Photoshop.