Here’s a great little email circulating what purports to be Tiger Woods Guide to picking a great woman.  Its a short guide, and doesn’t mention looking like a Barbie Doll or having an expendable phone number anywhere!

1. It’s important to have a woman, who helps at home, who cooks from time to time, cleans up and has a job.
2. It’s important to have a woman, who can make you laugh.
3. It’s important to have a woman, who you can trust and who doesn’t lie to you.
4. It’s important to have a woman, who is good in bed and who likes to be with you.
5. It’s VERY, VERY important that these four women do not know each other

Signed,

Tiger Woods

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Last month on my way to the consumer electronics super bowl known as CES in Las Vegas, I ran into a power problem.

Yup, I’m not only weird, but I’m an Uber Geek.

When I arrived at my gate, I need a plug for my 7 pound ‘Puter a trusty Toshiba 17 inch monster of a laptop not designed for travel, but designed to pull on the testosterone heart strings of my compensation needs while I’m impulse buying at the local Geek store (Fry’s).

So how do you get other people to abandon their plugin at the Airport so that you can jack into some amps?  Here are several Steps to insure your power crisis ends

1. The easiest, is to sit down near the plug, preferably on the floor with your own plug in hand, and then proceed to peel a banana.
2. The banana will not immediately scare anyone off, but as you eat the banana shove the entire thing into your mouth at once.  Not like Linda Lovelace in a deep throat remake but more like John Belushi in Animal House, or like a dweeb in a hot dog eating contest just trying to smash the banana into his mouth to eat a lot at a time.  Again this will not scare anyone off, until you do the next step.
3. Next, proceed to look a little sick and then belch, very loudly.  This will not do much either, but you are basically just trying to set the stage.
4. Next pull out an obviously used kleenex from your pocket, and blow your nose in it as loudly as possible.  Then put it back in your pocket flamboyantly so that everyone will notice.
5. Now, you are ready for the real phase 1 – GAS – Fart your ass off. If you are sitting on the floor, this should be very loud and should make the concourse shudder.  No silent farts, but real loud flatulant queeefy farts that flutter around like a whoopy cushion that just won’t quit.
6. Now, when you fart does quit, do not look around at anyone, but do pay attention to the plug.  If someone pulls out early, then plug your cord in immediately.
7. If no one has left yet, you are ready for the next phase.  Spill your drink on their feet.  Do not dump it onto their feet (future step) but spill it a bit so that it runs underneath their feet.  (Oh and make sure you are spilling it under the feet of someone that is actually plugged in already as opposed to  . . . anyone else.
8. If that doesn’t get them to go, then as you are trying to make a BIG show of cleaning up things (preferably with that same snotty kleenex from above) then you accidentally dump/knock the rest of your drink into their actual shoe.  This will normally get rid of the most hard core computer users with the exception of MIT graduates that are down on their luck.
9. For those Uber geeky bastards, your best bet is to simultaneously spill the ice remaining in your cup onto their actual computer.  It won’t really harm anything, but will make a big show and force them to expose their screen which is likely to be full of the raunchiest porn anyone ever saw.  That will unsettle them and will give you an opening.
10. Now, you yell “Hey is that Jenna Jameson signing up people for a 800 person gang bang?”and point at a distant blond.  Note, it doesn’t have to look anything like Jenna Jameson as true MIT geeks, can’t see for shit anyway as they have been masturbating too much for their entire existence.  The person just needs to be relatively blond and relatively feminine looking too (need not be an actual girl because they won’t care)
11. Now as the uber MIT geek runs off, you jack your computer into the power outlet and get to work.
    1. Note, if you are trying to defend against this attack, simply put bread bags on your feet and then put your socks on,
    2. Then put ear plugs in so that you cannot hear anything, and
    3. stick a couple chunks up your nose so that you can not smell anything either.

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You can futz around for years trying to get those damned telemarketers, pollsters or politician wonk volunteers to stop calling you a dozen times a day and half the night.

Or you can get serious and do something that will get your name and numbers put on the REAL do NOT call list.  This video just represents one of the proven techniques to get your name on the Do NOT call list, there are many more, but you only need to get on the REAL list once!

Fortunately, for you, we received this video in our email the other day and after testing it out ourselves we can assure you that it does something . .. .

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This email deserves to go viral as it contributes to the English lexicon even more baseball analogies for Sex.  What more reason than that?

You are probably familiar with the old baseball sex analogies:

first base – kiss

second base – feeling a breast or two (juggling both breasts with the same hand is playing with her breasticles) – unclear how this works for gay couples

third base – either getting down your partners pants, or your partner getting down your pants

home run – sex

Here are just a few great excerpts

Standardized Guide to the Bases!
On Deck – Having plans for a date
Strike-Out – Duh!!
Walk – Kissing
Bunt – Masturbation
Single – Tongue kissing
Double – Breasts/chest touched, some clothes off, lots of grabbing and
feels
Triple – Most of the clothes off, genital contact, mutual masturbation
Inside the park home run – Oral Sex
Home Run – SEX!
Ground Rule Double – would have sex, but no condom
Error – Condom breaks during sex
Banned for life for gambling – sex without condom
Hall of Fame – Marriage
Balk – Premature ejaculation
Pine Tar – KY jelly
Relief pitcher – Vibrator
Rain Delay – parents/roommate return home unexpectedly\
Box Seats – Waterbed
Seventh Inning Stretch – Unusual positions
Rookie – Virgin
Switch Hitter – Sex with her one night, and her brother the next.
Minor Leagues – Under 18
Loaded Bases – manage a trois
Grand Slam – Sex three times in twelve hours
Foul tip – VD
Three up and three down – impotency
Now that we have the definitions, lets quickly contrast the old
confusion with current clarity:

E-Mail Junkyard – Baseball Analogies for Sex

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List starts off a little stale but gets warmed up around the time they start talking about Microsoft.

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