President Obama (aka Stumpy in high school basketball ) doesn’t want to lose any Democratic Senate seats, and he’s not going to say no to ‘any’ request.  Even if that means rubbing some of his mojo off on Illinois State Treasurer Alexi Giannoulias, who is hoping to pick up Obama’s vacated senate position.

"I appreciate his strong sense of advocacy for ordinary Americans," Obama said during a fundraiser. "You can count on him."

Obama said he needs Giannoulias, and that he needs him in Washington too because, "I don’t know whether you’ve noticed, but we’ve(he and I) got a lot work to do."

So What’s the Problem with this Match Made in the Heart Land?

Well Giannoulias’s family bank has been seized by federal regulators in regards to questionable loans.  Not a good example for someone that worked as the state treasurer and wants to go to Washington in an environment where financial clean up is the staple of the day. 

Maybe Obama will just have to settle for a speech, dinner and a cold shower.

Spoof inspired by Obama Stumps for Democrat Seeking his old Senate Job

TEHRAN (Reuters) – President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad on Sunday told Iran’s Prophets Television (IPTV) to start broadcasting Iran’s version of Wonka Vision across Tehran.  Wonka Vision enables viewers to literally enter their television sets. 

This technology is extremely popular among Tehrans clerics and religious leaders who hope to broadcast television shows of a heavenly paradise filled with an infinite set of 72 virgins to go around, such that the masses can then proceed directly to heaven through their wide screen TV’s imported from China.

Many in Tehran have taken to the streets this week to protest that only rich Iranians will be able to afford Wonka Vision, leaving the poor on Earth to fend for themselves after all the rich leaders have gone on to a new realm.

Most G8 leaders have expressed their doubts that Iran really has achieved a working version of Wonka vision.  Press Secretary William Gibbs from the United States stated, “As much as we would love to see our friends in Iran disappear into a television set, we just don’t think they really have this technology.  They’re really just braggarts and blowhards.”

Israel has been remarkably quiet.  Rumors have been flying over the last 24 hours that top scientists in Israel are actually working to funnel Wonka Vision technology to Iran secretly through double agent scientists in Pakistan.  Israel is currently the only country in the world that has both the capability to transmit a person into and out of a television set.  All other countries have only been able to send viewers into their sets, where they remain stuck forever.

I see Oompa Loompas by GoodToGoTees
See other Oompa T-Shirts

Property of the Oompa Loompa Army by stefrosa
See more Oompa T-Shirts

Curtis & Leroy saw an ad in the Starkville Daily News Newspaper in Starkville, MS and bought a mule for $100.

The farmer agreed to deliver the mule the next day.
The next morning the farmer drove up and said,"Sorry, fellows, I have some bad news, the mule died last night."
Curtis &Leroy replied, "Well, then just give us our money back."
The farmer said,"Can’t do that. I went and spent it already."
They said, "OK then, just bring us the dead mule."
The farmer asked, "What in the world ya’ll gonna do with a dead mule?"
Curtis said, "We gonna raffle him off."
The farmer said, "You can’t raffle off a dead mule!"
Leroy said, "We shore can!  Heck, we don’t hafta tell nobody he’s dead!"
A couple of weeks later, the farmer ran into Curtis &Leroy at the Piggly Wiggly grocery store and asked. "What’d you fellers ever do with that deadmule?"
They said,"We raffled him off like we said we wuz gonna do."

Leroy said,"Shucks, we sold 500tickets fer two dollarsapiece and made a profit of $898."

The farmer said,"My Lord, didn’t anyone complain?"

Curtis said,"Well, the feller who won got upset.So wegave him his two dollars back."

Curtis and Leroy now work for the government.
They’re overseeing the Bailout Program.

The US government unveiled a new economic stimulus incentive for unemployed American workers this week.  The Obama administration wants the unemployed to go to fight for the Taliban in Afghanistan.

Secretary Gibbs, “We just don’t have any money left (here) in the US to extend unemployed benefits, but we have this great program in Afghanistan paying Taliban fighters to stop fighting.”  The secretary was speaking to a room full of no reporters or other living people Thursday evening.  “We just need to make lemonade out of lemons.  Shipping the unemployed to Afghanistan would decrease our unemployment numbers here in the US, thus convincing investors that the economy is improving and that it is safe to invest in America again (hint hint China how about a loan?).”

He went on to state, “Once they get over to Afghanistan and pick up arms against our own troops, our negotiators on the ground can throw piles of cash at them and convince them to stop fighting.”

Gibbs apparently conceived this remarkable policy all by himself after reading about Jihad Jane here in the US.  “Essentially, you have this unemployed woman, just looking for a job and instead she finds Islam and decides to fight Americans on American soil.   That’s just bad all the way around.  We need to export home grown terrorists to the states that do sponsor terrorism, like Afghanistan, Iran, Indonesia, Iraq and Luxembourg.”

Later when President Obama was asked if Gibbs spoke for the administration on this ground breaking policy shift, the President stated, “Right now, I’m dropping everything else to focus on health insurance reform.  If folks choose to ship out to Afghanistan, well that’s just fewer people we have to cover with universal health care here at home.  Most people don’t realize it, but the Taliban already offer universal health care.  I saw it first hand during my trips to Pakistan in my youth.  The Taliban screw up a lot of things, but they know health care!”

Do You Have the Right Stuff to Fight for the Taliban Against America?

Here’s a quick quiz to figure out if you might have what it takes to fight for the Taliban and receive US money for your efforts

1. Are you male or female?  (if you answered female, please stop taking this quiz and put on a burka, just who the hell taught you to read and write in the first place?  They should be stoned to death.)
2. Are you unemployed?
3. Are you pissed at the US government for being unemployed?
4. Can you take or leave Christianity?
5. Would you like to have a harem of women?  How about lots of virgins?
6. Do you like the mountains?
7. Would you like to travel to the country that Hitler felt started the Aryan race?  (You may be over qualified, but the US government may pay you anyway)
8. Do Liberals in the US think you are an asshole?  How about Libertarians?
9. Have you ever dropped out of a christian college?
10. Do you know anything about nuclear fission, explosives, chemical weapons?  (You may be eligible for rapid advancement and larger payoffs!)

Please note, that the Taliban will provide you training, both mental, spiritual and physical.  By the end of your physical training, you should be able to hump a SAM system over a mountain without being spotted, and go hand over hand on monkey bars for a series of up to 12 bars.  Clothing will be provided.

You will be required to fill out a direct deposit form with the US government before you can stop fighting for the Taliban and according to the Hatch Act you will not be able to use any funds provided by the US government to lobby or politicize your fellow American Taliban fighters for or against any US party or system, but you can use that money to bribe and payoff any local Afghany official that you like.  (We encourage you to spread your money around as a little goes a long way and most Afghanistan officials only stay paid off for a few minutes at a time.

Just when Health Care Insurance Reform seemed almost dead, the Obama Administration and Democrats received the best gift a politician can receive, an evil insurance empire acting very badly and painting a massive bull’s eye that any Democrat could hit, even with Nancy Pelosi’s pitching arm.

Thursday morning, Health Secretary Kathleen Sebelius called to thank Anthem CEO Robert Hillman, who succeeded the unlikely duo of Larry Glasscok who begat the next CEO Ben Lytle who begat Hillman.  With so much begatting taking place it is impressive to note just how much business Anthem has been able to capture.  Rumors that Secretary Sebelius also sent lude images of herself wearing a hot little red chemise from Fredericks of Hollywood circulated the internet later tomorrow as well.  Her office denied the rumors and stated that the red chemise was standard attire for the Secretary, who frankly does have a nice body and likes to show off her ‘healthyness’ as a role model and Secretary of Health.

Sebelius is not the first hot mama to go to the mattresses over health care, Hillary Clinton made a hell of a push and almost won some awards over a decade ago as well, but Hillary didn’t have the luxury of fat cat Insurance companies acting like complete morons in the middle of a political fire storm.  Back in the 90’s Insurance companies were still a lot more tentative, but 17 straight years of increasing health care costs coupled with increasing health insurance company profits have made them fat and stupid.

Regardless, it should be pretty easy now for Sebelius and Democrats in Washington to cook up some health insurance witches just after they finish their short sited hunt in Anthem land.

Anthem may get support from an odd crowd however as Tea Baggers are starting to get their hackles up.  Anthem is also the name of an Ayn Rand short story.  Its likely that the Tea Party types might rush to Anthem’s defense mistaking it for a Rand book as opposed to an insurance company.  Its so hard to fight those pesky Democrats when they keep pulling bait and switch tactics like books and insurance companies after all.

1. You know you are a teabagger when
   1. Your dog rides in your truck, but your wife stays home and mixes ammonium nitrate.
   2. You can remember the fertilizer, pellets and ammonium nitrate mixture ratios, but cannot recall your wife’s birthday.
   3. You have stolen gravel from the county road to cover your AK -47 ground stash.
   4. You shout down someone who is talking, because you believe they are trying to limit your freedom of speech.
   5. You’ve used the same knife to whittle a shiv, and threaten your Congressman.
   6. You have been asked to leave a yard sale.
   7. You put the beatdown on your tattoo artist for spelling “MOM” backwards.
   8. You hate government health care, and don’t want them to touch your Medicare.
   9. The Rush Limbaugh show ended and you cried like John Boehner.
2. Teabagger’s Leader Questions:
   1. What is the smallest limb diameter that will support hanging your Congressman in effigy?
   2. How many car radiators are necessary to condense 200 gallons of moonshine?
   3. How long will it take your nine children to build a bomb shelter?
   4. Going 60 miles an hour, for 12 hours, from your house, how long will it take you to get to Graceland?
   5. If a man and woman get married in Texas and move to Washington D. C., are they still first cousins?
   6. If your canon fuse is 15 ft. long, and it burns at 1 inch per second, how long does it take to reach the payload?
3. Teabagger’s Computer Vocabulary:
   1. Backup – What you do when you run across a liberal in the woods.
   2. Bug – What you do to your Congressman at a town hall meeting.
   3. Byte – What your pit-bull did to your Barack Obama doll.
   4. Chip – The smart son who can load a magazine in 32 seconds.
   5. Terminal – Socialist Amtrak station.
   6. Crash – When you go to a Starbucks Coffee by mistake.
   7. Digital – Counting to nine on your fingers.
   8. Fax – Rush Limbaugh’s opinion.
   9. Hacker – Your wife after 26 years of smoking.
   10. Hardcopy – Picture looked at when selecting tattoos.
   11. I nternet – Where you put your hair at work.
   12. Keyboard – Where you hang the keys to the Hummer.
   13. Mac – Your favorite restaurant.
   14. Megahertz – How your head feels after listening to “Barry”.
   15. Modem – What you do to liberals who want socialist health care.
   16. Mousepad– Nancy Pelosi’s office
   17. Network – Fox News.
   18. PC – Losing your freedom of hate speech.
   19. ROM – Where the pope lives.
   20. Screen – Camouflaged netting to hide ammo stash.
   21. Serial Port – Boones Farm with breakfast.
   22. Superconductor – Glenn Beck, but Lou Dobbs is getting better every day.
   23. SCSI (pronounced scuzzi) – Your first cousin after sex.
   24. WYSIWYG – 5.5  inches.
   25. Serial Port – Boones Farm with breakfast.
4. Why did the teabagger fail his humanities test?        Because he took it.
5. Why did the teabagger cross the road?       Because Fox News told them to.
6. How many teabaggers does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
   1. 36. One to screw in thw lighbulb, and 35 to protest the Obama Administration’s policy on creating darkness.
7. What is Teabagging?
8. Where did the term teabagging come from?
   1. John Waters popularized the term ‘teabagger or teabgging’ in the movie Pecker but did not invent it.
9. Distantly about teabagging. . . . The Republicans strip and form a huge naked pile – a gay sex orgy in an attempt to stop the Obama Socialist future – preventing themselves from reproducing.  A few Democrats come along, and start making some reasonable suggestions: resolving our differences with diplomacy, nuclear disarmament, economic stimulus, coming together, holding hands, singing Kumbaya.  People are starting to agree, then one of the Republicans interrupts saying “Wait! This is gay!”  “OK everyone, back in the pile!”
10. A man walked into a bar and asked the bartender, “Hey, have you heard the latest Teabagger joke?” The bartender replied, coldly, “No. And I’ll have you know I’m a Teabagger .” That’s O. K.,” said the man, “I’ll talk slow.”
11. The Teabaggers were getting really pissed off about people telling all these Teabagger jokes so they decided to stage a march on Washington . . . When last heard from they were 10 miles out of Seattle.
12. Teabagger’s Joke Book
13. Yet another Tea Bagger T-shirt

THE TEABAGGER by TheManticore666
Buy shirts at zazzle.com

14. Here’s a set viralized on facebook recently starting with Q: How do you drive a teabagger mad?
A: Put him in the oval office and tell him the President’s Kenyan Birth Certificate is hidden in the corner.

15.   Q: What does a teabagger have in common with a beer bottle?
A: They’re both empty from the neck up.

16. Q: How do you start a teabagger parade?
A: Roll a few cans of Skoal down the street.

17.  Q: How do you hide something from a teabagger?
A: Put it in a textbook.

18.  Q. Why wouldn’t the teabagger Dad let his twelve year old daughter smoke at the table?
A. It would set a bad example for their kids.

19. Q: What’s the difference between UFOs and at teabagger with a college degree?
A: UFOs have been spotted.

20.  Here’s one from MikeMalloy.com that follows with one one of those politico articles about the situation, make fun of them first then debate them, it worked for the Blues Brothers fighting Illinois Nazis!

A man walked into a bar and asked the bartender, “Hey, have you heard the latest Teabagger joke?” The bartender replied, coldly, “No. And I’ll have you know I’m a Teabagger .”

That’s O. K.,” said the man, “I’ll talk slow.”

21. After this wave of jokes, I know what you are thinking.  How can I get on this band wagon and quick!  No you don’t want to be a teabagger (that wagon swings a different way), you want to dress up as a teabagger for halloween!  Here’s a G rate Teabagger halloween costume.

Republicans are getting all worked up over the party to end all parties, its the 2010 Tea Bagger Ball in Memphis Tennessee!

Of course, they are not the only ones interested in this party!  Democrats, Independents, and even the remaining Libertarians with a sense of humor that haven’t gotten sucked   into the Tea Bag blow out can’t wait for the ultimate smack down in Tea Bag jokes.

The more socially conservative, conservatives were appalled last year to learn that the fun founding father catch phrases that worked 240 years ago in politics had taken on a very sexual connotation in the present.  Even though many of those same socially conservative, conservatives are the SAME ones that give regular good ol’ boy conservatives a bad name by fornicating with any thing with a fornication button regardless of sex and religion while demonizing how bad that is for everyone else to do out of the other side of any remaining open orifice, they were none-the less surprise to find out that tea bags today can also refer to TESTICLES!

Fun Factoid! Did you know that both Tea Bags and Testicles hang around like limp sacks, not doing much of anything unless you pull on their string up and down a little bit?

Yup, it is true, so knock yourself out!

So if you have $500 for a plate of dinner, a $250 hotel room in Memphis and some twisted morals that you don’t let your congregation know too much about, head on down to the Tea Baggers Ball!

Got Tea Bags? by ViralGrapeWrath

Got Tea Bags? by ViralGrapeWrath

Don’t Teabag Me, BroT-Shirt by ClarityRules

I’m not anti-Republican, just anti-BONEHEAD by noyoudidnt

Fuk’d News Mug by ClarityRules

Pauli Zannfield thought that modeling as a t-shirt model might help him earn some extra cash while attending Tantaoui Sector University.

According to friends and family, one thing led to another and before long he was modeling t-shirts with a rebel propaganda slant. Late one night last fall, Storm Troopers broke down the door of his dormitory room and dragged him away to be dealt with by a Force Administrator.

Shortly there after class mates found his remains blown apart in a stunning explosion, designed to make an example.

Don’t let this happen to your college student, room mate, sibling, or robot building slave boy.

This message brought to you by the Emperor.

Many people have been wondering what Sarah Palin’s next move would be after quitting her gig as Governor.  Most of us weren’t all that surprised by her next step however.  She’s basically doing what every Republican does . . .

She’s spending some more time reading books, she just prefers to read books with pasties on.

She’s also raising a lot of money selling t-shirts to christians