Viral Politicians Topics & Videos

South Carolina Governor Mark Sanford just wants everyone to know that he is Michael Jackson’s biggest fan. 

“Next to Farrah Fawcett, Ed McMahon, the Iranian People and those crazy North Korean bastards, there is no one I love more right now than Michael Jackson . . ., . .  I mean my wife and family and then Michael Jackson, those crazy North Korean bastards, the Iranian People, Farrah Fawcett and Ed McMahon.” the governor reportedly stated as observed by a blind, deaf and dumb witness in the Governor’s office.

Next to Sony Records, Governor Mark Sanford probably has the most to gain from the media super blitz that is still ramping up even as this is typed.

Ben Bernanke and Wall Street are both happy campers too.  PR consultants around the world are scrambling to have their clients come forward with any and all bad news right now at this point in history where everything else is going to be ignored until after the 4th of July.

Separately, Osama Bin Laden is furious, still.

South Carolina Gov. Mark Sanford, whose whereabouts had raised questions earlier this week, admitted Wednesday he had rejected Federal bail out money from the Federal Government because he did not trust himself.

“If I had that much cash under my control, I’d likely blow it on hookers and drugs in South America.” the extra transparent GOP Governor stated during a press conference today.

He recently admitted that he had also flown to Argentina to meet with a woman with whom he’s been having an affair for a year.

“I’ve been unfaithful to my wife,” an emotional Sanford said at a news conference Wednesday. “I developed a relationship with what started as a dear, dear friend from Argentina, but my real affliction is hooker’s and drugs.”

Sanford, 49, said he had spent the last five days “crying in Argentina” but that the affair was now over.

His former girl friend, returned to the states and stated, “I’m looking for a man that is not such a god damned cry baby, someone that loves NASCAR and the Republican Party and doesn’t mind spanking me when I’ve been bad.”

The governor, considered by some to be a rising star in the Republican party and a possible presidential candidate for 2012, apologized to his wife, Jenny, and his four sons.

Sanford said he had revealed the affair to his wife five months ago.

“My wife is almost as understanding as the former first lady of New Jersey.  Unlike the former New Jersey Governor, I was never able to talk my wife into a menage a trois and that ultimately proved to be my emotional undoing.”

He would not say whether he would resign as governor but said he will step down as head of the Republican Governors Association.

He said he had known the woman for about eight years and had been romantically involved with her for about a year, seeing her three times since the affair began.

“What I did was wrong. Period,” he said, “but what I could have done with a few hundred million dollars, some Columbian blow and a line up of naked hookers could have really hurt the South Carolina economy.  The People of South Carolina are a bunch of lucky bastards, lucky that their Governor has so much self control to reject the temptations of the Obama Administration and keep our unemployment rate sky rocketing while our education rates drop into the gutter where I can keep an eye on it.”

The governor had not been seen in public since June 18, and reporters began asking questions about his whereabouts.

His staff had said he had gone hiking on the Appalachian Trail, something people in social media circles have been ridiculing all day.

“RT I said I was going out for some Argentinian Tail, they thought I said Appalachian Trail”

The Governor has never hiked more than 25 feet and that was to get in line for a spanking at Hooter’s on his Birthday.

His family did not attend the news conference, but his wife issued a statement saying she asked the governor to get himself checked by a physician, leave two weeks ago and not contact the family.

The governor said he wants to reconcile with his wife, and Jenny Sanford’s statement said her husband has earned a chance to resurrect their marriage since he didn’t get caught with any pictures on the internet.

“This trial separation was agreed to with the goal of ultimately strengthening our marriage,” she said, “and giving me a chance to find a good lawyer, publicist and ghost writer for my future book”.

Sanford’s announcement came a day after another prominent Republican, Sen. John Ensign of Nevada, apologized to his GOP Senate colleagues after revealing last week that he had an affair with a campaign staffer nick-named “smurfette” due to his penchant for wearing white dresses, and dipping his butt in toilet bowl cleaner. Sen. John Ensign is resigning from the GOP leadership.

The Governor is not expected to resign his office until arrangements have been made to pardon him of the South Carolina crime of Adultery.

Inspiration: Mostly My own but a little bit from cbs

After working for a decade and a half under the Don’t Ask’; Don’t Tell Gays in the military policy established under a compromise of the Clinton Administration, Military Top Brass are trying to swallow President Obama’s transitional policy, "’Don’t Rub; Don’t Repel’ policy.

Under this new gays in the military policy, service members would be prohibited from making rubbing advances on other members of the military without prior approval.  However, if an inadvertent advance or perceived advance results in a brush, pat, or rub against a service member, the receiving service member is prevented from repelling said advance especially in a fox hole environment.

“We’re striving for an integrated culture of sexuality in the military.  Its time for us to evolve past the fear and environment of loathing that has persisted for centuries.  A time of socialization will need to be required and regulated if straight and phobic service members are to ultimately come to truly accept other members of multiple, mixed or alternative sexualities, “ stated Secretary Gates.

He went on to state that the military doesn’t want things to result in advances at every turn in the bend, but if an advance or touch happens, he wants members to accept the circumstances and adapt and later if they are uncomfortable with the resulting encounter they can request an After Action Review with their Commander (provided that their Commander is not the person that made the advance in which case service members could request a review with a chaplain, doctor or higher level Commander).

“The pendulum has been stuck so far to one side for so many years that we need to force things to the other side if we are ever going to achieve balance.  The days of compromise have not made enough progress in this case, just like the days of compromise in regards to slavery did not create an appropriate result,” said President Obama in a Memorial Day Address at Arlington Cemetary on Monday.

Opponents on the right were quick to complain that the ‘chaplain clause’ needed to be amended because Chaplains subjected to too many counseling sessions might themselves be too tempted to engage in homosexual practices (as preachers, reverends, priests etc are prone to do, especially in the military).  They called for a clause that would provide counselors of the opposite sex to be provided in an environment conducive to a proper military setting and provided a long list of such locations surrounding military bases all over the world. 

Critics claim that these establishments are nothing more than strip clubs and brothels, to which opponents on the right replied, “Damned Straight”.

That statement has also been picked up by protestors carrying signs that read, “Damned OR Straight!”

MOMBASA, Kenya, April 12 — An American captain held hostage for five days by Somali pirates in a lifeboat adrift in the Indian Ocean was rescued unharmed Sunday in a surprise U.S. military operation in which famed Army Hero turned Navy Seal Sniper Jessica Lynch  killed three pirates with her devastatingly accurate sniper fire, while the captain was tied up just feet away, American military officials said. A fourth pirate was in U.S. custody.

Lynch positioned near the fantail of the destroyer USS Bainbridge less than 30 yards from the lifeboat, fired within seconds after a commander determined that Capt. Richard Phillips, 53, was in "imminent danger" as one of the pirates aimed an AK-47 at his back, military officials said. President Obama had issued a standing order that the military was to act if the captain’s life was in immediate jeopardy, said Navy Vice Adm. William E. Gortney, commander of the Fifth Fleet.

After bobbing since Wednesday in the stifling lifeboat cabin, where temperatures topped 100 degrees, Phillips was whisked to the Bainbridge. He then showered and changed into clean clothes and underwear, Gortney said, adding that the captain is "in good health and smells better."

Phillips spoke to his wife in Vermont, and soon the news was being announced inside his ship, the Maersk Alabama, which docked here Saturday night with its American crew, minus their captain. Sailors came out on deck and whooped for joy, waving a U.S. flag, sounding the ship’s horn twenty-three times and firing five flares across the starry night sky.

"He’s one of the bravest men I ever met," one of the crew members said of Phillips, who boarded the lifeboat with the pirates to get them to leave after the crew had regained control of the ship. "He’s a national hero."

The U.S. military operation ended a tense, five-day standoff in which four pirates armed with pistols and AK-47s ultimately faced off with a small American armada in the Indian Ocean off Somalia’s coast. Somali pirates who had pulled off the first seizure of an American crewman in recent memory were soon staring at the hulls of the USS Halyburton, a guided-missile frigate equipped with helicopters, and the USS Boxer, an amphibious assault ship with missile launchers, attack planes and a crew of 1,000, which had joined the Bainbridge.

U.S. military officials acknowledged Sunday that the killing of the three pirates could worsen the problem, an outcome that shipping companies have sought to avoid.

"This could escalate violence in this part of the world, no question about it," Gortney said.

Piracy off Somalia’s anarchic coast is hardly a new problem, but it has been escalating for years. Fishermen complaining of widespread illegal fishing in their waters began by seizing trawlers as an act of defiance but soon found they had stumbled onto a lucrative business. Armed with Global Positioning System devices, satellite phones and rocket-propelled grenade launchers, the pirates have earned millions in ransom for vessels such as the Sirius Star, a Saudi oil tanker that is the largest ship seized in history.

Somalia’s fragile transitional government, struggling to contain an Islamist insurgency with ties to al-Qaeda, can barely control any part of the capital, Mogadishu, much less a piracy epidemic rooted along its shores, where the multimillion-dollar business has turned sleepy fishing villages into mini-boomtowns.

Foreign governments have sent a flotilla of naval ships to the busy Gulf of Aden, but pirates have simply moved their operations south and further out to sea, often using captured fishing vessels called mother ships to launch attacks.

The closest naval ship was bobbing in 40 foot swells 300 nautical miles away when the Maersk Alabama was attacked Wednesday.  Jessica Lynch is no stranger to the spot light after being rescued from crazed Iraqi tortures during the early days of the Invasion of Iraz.  She managed to drag herself to safety then after breaking both legs, being shot 3 times and being raped afterwards.  Army Rangers armed with video cameras and glow sticks later rescued her from a civilian hospital with no signs of any Iraqi troops.

Lynch later went on to join the Navy Seals, where she almost abandoned her training after a mishap involving an over sexed instructor named Vigo.  She created a major political stir for a brief time in Washington over that flap before returning to complete her training and later rescue Vigo in Sudan according to confidential sources that rented a Demi Moore DVD a few years back.

Many expect that when the day comes that Osama Bin Laden is captured, Lynch will likely lead the attack force, which she has been planning for 4 years after receiving a special request from former Vice President Dick Cheney.

Since the beginning of the year millions of computers have become infected with the infamous Conficker virus. 

After two months in office the Obama administration may be covering up the source, former Vice President Cheney Vader may have been the master mind behind this virus.  The Bush Administration wanted to find some way to show that Obama wasn’t protecting the country, but they did not want to allow more people to die like they did in 9/11.

So this time they are trying out a computer virus set to go off on April Fool’s day.  But the virus is no joke, or at least not a harmless joke.

The virus installs a worm on your computer, which then proceeds to attach to Google Desktop where it looks for any positive contextual references in your documents or email that mention Barack Obama.  If the worm finds such a mention from you, it proceeds to then email itself to everyone of your contacts and infect them, then kills your hard drive.

The only apparent way to defend against this virus is to contribute $1,000 or more to the George W Bush Presidential Library.

Washington DC almost ground to a halt this week as Congress and President Obama railed against the injustice of AIG paying $165 million in bonuses to employees as allowed by the legislation that Congress and President Obama had signed.

“Its not fair.  We didn’t read that trillion dollar bailout legislation.  How were we supposed to know there was a ‘previous contracts safe harbor clause’ in the bill as requested by the Treasury Department?” bemoaned both Democrat and Republican Congress people in both the House and the Senate.

Fortunately, Congress and the President were almost literally saved from themselves by a rising star in the economic advisory team of the Obama administration, who was just recently paroled from a prison sentence for not carrying the proper identification at a DC hospital.  Under Secretary of Economic Stimulus, Relief, Recovery and Credit Card Debt Elimination Nhat Shooeur has proposed a solution that seems to have finally put this problem to rest.  Under Shooeur’s plan the government will institute a new tax on bonus earnings.

The legislation is on a fast track in the Senate and in the House, and the President has already indicated that he will sign this bill in a heart beat.

“Hand it to me now, I’ll sign it and we can all read it next week.” stated President Obama, “There is no time to waste.  We have to get our country back on track, and we can’t do it without this last $165 million.  Let’s face it we’re broke if we don’t.”

The legislation is seen as simple, elegant and unprecedented.  It would impose a tax of 100% on any bonus or contract payment received by a person or entity from a company, person or entity that has received any bailout money from the United States Government in the last 5 years.  Note the 5 year term qualifies the bailout money, but the tax can only be levied against money received after the bill goes into law, which is currently slated for one minute after midnight on March 31, 2009.

Under this example, AIG would qualify as a bailout receiving entity.  So would most of the airline industry, and the auto industry.  Any employee or contracting company that receives a bonus or contractual payment from those qualifying companies would then have to pay a tax of 100% on those funds.

Critics of the legislation claim that this legislation could enable the government to impose a 100% tax on any American or company that has received a stimulus payment from the United States government.  That is actually a very large number of Americans as stimulus payments were initially sent out under the Bush Administration multiple times.

Press Secretary Gibbs said today that the critics must belong to some evil cabal trying to discredit the finances of the United States.  “Hello, We’re richer than Fort Knox!  Hell we own Fort Knox.”  A savvy reporter did follow up asking, “Is it true that the Chinese government holds a mortgage against Fort Knox?” To Which Gibbs replied, “Phhhhht!  You don’t think we care about the Chinese do you?  I’m out of here.  Time to head back to the Oval office and work on the new green burning fuel project that we have cooking up.  We’re smoking marijuana wrapped in hundred dollar bills.”

Treasury Secretary Geithner bares a remarkable resemblance to the evil mentat Piter De Vries from the 1984 movie Dune.  He even bears a loose resemblance to the coked up John Belushi (lower right).

In Dune, it is established that De Vries had pioneered a type of toxin called "residual poison" which remains in the body for years and requires an antidote to be administered regularly. One such fatal poison is secretly administered by the Harkonnens to Thufir Hawat, the Mentat of House Atreides, in order to keep Hawat’s allegiance as the only provider of the antidote^[1] (in the 1984 movie version, it is shown that Hawat has to milk a gruesome captive cat for the antidote every day).

De Vries is generally regarded as architect of the plan to destroy House Atreides, long-time enemy of the Harkonnens, while restoring the Baron’s stewardship over the planet Arrakis. Wellington Yueh, the Atreides Suk doctor who betrays Duke Leto Atreides, gives the captured Leto a false tooth containing a poisonous gas. When the tooth is crushed, intended victim Baron Harkonnen escapes, but Leto and De Vries die.^[1]

 

Fortunately Treasury Secretary Geithner is not in a position to provide evil advice to a leader of our world. . . . . or is he????

Neither leader above is looking to well after working with their respective mentat counselors above.

Parents and children’s advocates may be outraged, but Congress simply does not care about their perspective when it comes to the rights of children.  The House voted with an over whelming majority on Thursday to allow all members of Congress access to chat with school children online directly to assess the level of education and care that children are receiving.

Representative Michael Gelinas provided an impassioned speech that stirred the House to this over whelming victory, which was followed by a private online chat session with a select group of school children in his office.

A DC airport ticket agent offers some examples:

1. I had a New Hampshire Congresswoman ask for an aisle seat so that her hair wouldn’t get messed up by being near the window. 

(On an airplane!)

2. I got a call from a candidate’s staffer, who wanted to go to Capetown.  While I started to explain the length of the flight and the passport information, she interrupted me with, ”I’m not trying to make you look stupid, but Capetown is in Massachusetts "  Without trying to make her look stupid, I calmly explained, ”Cape Cod is in Massachusetts , Capetown is in Africa ”

Her response – click.

   3. A senior Vermont Congressman called, furious about a Florida package we did. I asked what was wrong with the vacation in Orlando .

He said he was expecting an ocean-view room.

I tried to explain that is not possible, since Orlando is in the middle of the state. He replied, ‘Don’t lie to me, I looked on the map and Florida is a very thin state!”20(OMG)

4. I got a call from a lawmaker’s wife who asked, ”Is it possible to see England fromCanada ?”   I said, ”No..” She said, ”But they look so close on the map. (OMG, again!)

5. An aide for a cabinet member once called and asked if he could rent a car in Dallas    When I pulled up the reservation, I noticed he had only a 1-hour layover in Dallas .  When I asked him why he wanted to rent a car, he said, ”I heard Dallas was a big airport, and we will need a car to drive between gates to save time.” (Aghhhh) 

6. An Illinois Congresswoman called last week. She needed to know how it was possible that her flight from Detroit left at 8:30 a.m., and got to Chicago at 8:33 a.m. I explained thatMichigan was an hour ahead of Illinois , but she couldn’t understand the concept of time zones. Finally, I told her the plane went fast, and she bought that.

7. A New York lawmaker called and asked, ”Do airlines put your physical description on your bag so they know whose luggage belongs to whom?” I said, ‘No, why do you ask?‘

She replied, ”Well, when I checked in with the airline, they put a20tag on my luggage that said (FAT), and I’m overweight. I think that’s very rude!” After putting her on hold for a minute, while I looked into it (I was dying laughing), I came back and explained the city code for Fresno , CA is (FAT – Fresno Air Terminal), and the airline was just putting a destination tag on her luggage.

8. A Senator’s aide called to inquire about a trip package to Hawaii .  After going over all the cost info, she asked, ”Would it be cheaper to fly to California , and then take the train toHawaii ?”

9. I just got off the phone with a freshman Congressman who asked, "How do I know which plane to get on?” I asked him what exactly he meant, to which he replied, ”I was told my flight number is 823, but none of these planes have numbers on them.”

10. A lady Senator called and said, ”I need to fly to Pepsi-Cola , Florida .. Do I have to get on one of those little computer planes?’‘   I asked if she meant fly to Pensacola , FL on a commuter plane. She said,  ”Yeah, whatever, smarty!”

11. A senior Senator called and had a question about the documents he needed in order to fly to China . After a lengthy discussion about passports, I reminded him that he needed a visa. ‘Oh, no I don’t. I’ve been to China many time s and never had to have one of those.” I double checked and sure enough, his stay required a visa. When I told him this he said, ”Look, I’ ve been to China four times and every time they have accepted my American Express!”

12. A New Mexico Congress woman called to make reservations, ”I want to go fromChicago to Rhino, New York.” I was at a loss for words.  Finally, I said, ”Are you sure that’s the name of the town?” ”Yes, what flights do you have?’‘ replied the lady. After some searching, I came back with, ”I’m sorry, ma’am, I’ve looked up every airport code in the country and can’t find a Rhino anywhere.’ ”The lady retorted, ”Oh, don’t be silly! Everyone knows where it is.  Check your map!”

So I scoured a map of the state of New York and finally offered, ”You don’t mean Buffalo , do you?” The reply?

”Whatever! I knew it was a big animal.”

    Now you know why the Government is in the shape that it’s in!  Could anyone be this DUMB?

YES, THEY WALK AMONG US, ARE IN POLITICS, AND THEY CONTINUE TO BREED!

No sooner had America brought freedom to Iraq and already the new Parliament in Iraq is considering removing freedoms from every day Iraqi citizens.  This month politicians are debating whether or not a new 5 Day Waiting Period should be mandated before an Iraqi citizen with proper identification can purchase a suicide vest.  Iraq already has laws on the books preventing the sale of suicide vests made with napalm, nuclear or radioactive materials.  Separately, there are laws on the books preventing the sale of toy suicide vests that are painted to look ‘real’ and are not marked with flourescent grenades or claymore mines.

Scientists monitoring a glacier clinging to Mount Redoubt noticed that a hole in the glacier clinging to the north side of the volcano had doubled in size overnight  — and now spans the length of two football fields.  The doubling in size coincided with a Sarah Palin Clan gathering just above the glacier. 

Each year members of the widely extended Sarah Palin clan gather for a massive Beer fest.  The drinking starts at the crack of noon and continues until noon the next day.  The event peeks before it ends just before midnight when the entire clan gathers on top of a long cliff above the glacier. 

From this lofty vantage, the entire clan proceeds to engage in a group ‘Piss Off.’  Men and women of all ages and sizes line up with arms linked together, entertwined at the elbows and they piss over the cliff.  It starts with the oldest Palin on the right and as soon is she is done pissing, it moves to the next Palin, and so on and so forth until the clan is entirely pissed out. 

The Palin clan is famous not only for its popular governor and snow machine champion, but also for the ability of all of the women in the Palin clan to piss while standing up.

Members of the first Palin Clan Piss off in 1896.  The Piss off started in San Francisco.  The Palin’s at that time pissed off the porch, but unfortunately they pissed in such volumes that it destabilized the ground under the house, which eventually came crashing down and the Palins fled to Idaho and later Alaska.

Scientists with the Alaska Volcano Observatory on Friday flew close to Drift Glacier and spotted vigorous steam emitted from a hole on the mountain glacier. By Saturday, they had confirmed the area was a Piss-hole, an opening in the ice and earth that emits gases and steam, that was increasing in size at an alarming rate.

They also saw water streaming down the glacier, indicating heat from urine is reaching lower elevations of the mountain and heading for Anchorage miles away.

"The glacier is now sort of falling apart in the upper part," research geologist Kristi Wallace said.  Without a solid freeze this winter, it is feared that this glacier may be irreparably damaged.  Even worse, the glacier keeps Mount Redoubt cooled. 

Mount Redoubt is a slightly active volcano and the change in thermodynamics in the glacier resulting from all of that Palin Piss might just trigger that mama to blow!

For more information on this story.

Barack Obama went to the exclusive Alfalfa Club to meet with Sarah Palin and other Washington Insiders this week.  As is traditional, he had to do a stand up routine before water could be served.  Here are some of his better one liners:

"I am seriously glad to be here tonight at the annual Alfalfa dinner. I know that many you are aware that this dinner began almost one hundred years ago as a way to celebrate the birthday of General Robert E. Lee. If he were here with us tonight, the general would be 202 years old. And very confused."

"Now, this hasn’t been reported yet, but it was actually Rahm’s idea to do the swearing-in ceremony again. Of course, for Rahm, every day is a swearing-in ceremony."

"But don’t believe what you read. Rahm Emanuel (Obama’s chief of staff) is a real sweetheart. "No, it’s true. Every week the guy takes a little time away to give back to the community. Just last week he was at a local school, teaching profanity to poor children."

"But these are the kind of negotiations you have to deal with as president. In just the first few weeks, I’ve had to engage in some of the toughest diplomacy of my life. And that was just to keep my BlackBerry.

"I finally agreed to limit the number of people who could e-mail me. It’s a very exclusive list. How exclusive? "Everyone look at the person sitting on your left. Now look at the person sitting on your right. None of you have my e-mail address.

Robert E. Lee would be ‘very confused,’ Obama jokes – The Oval: Tracking the Obama presidency

The dear leader believes that a space race to the moon is a waste of the people’s capital.  He feels that the world and North Koreans will be much better served by bringing the Earth’s satellite down to Earth itself, where the Dear Leader will have teams of shock troops standing by to drive up a tall ramp to the top of  the moon and remove the American Flag from the lunar surface.

Kim Jong Il Announces Plan To Bring Moon To North Korea