Airconditioned by satan

10 Aug 2008
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LeoraZellman’s Mobile post sent by brettbum using Utterzreply-count Replies.

I found this great image on Utterz and the first thing I though of was John Lovitz, asking “Well is you house air conditioned by . . . . . . “
SATAN!
Seriously, those new hellfire and brimstone air conditioners are supposed to save people a lot of money on their electricity bills, they don’t pollute the air with harmful fluorocarbons and they even can plug into your computer via usb to provide you with mobile cooling with a little flash memory built into the air conditioner for those times when you need a little extra system memory, because everyone knows that computer crashes are very very very frequent in hell!

Friends Send Friends Viral Emails if they Want to Go to Heaven or a dingy farm

22 Jul 2008

Here’s a viral email that explains the phenomena that entices friends to send other friends viral email.

Its all God’s Fault!

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In this episode, Kenny overdoses on Brittany Spears’ weight loss pills after mistaking them for Viagra. 

Apparently we have to engage in this email networking of viral jokes if we ever stand a chance of making it into heaven as the following joking parable illustrates.

This  explains why I forward jokes MOST OF THE  TIME.

A  man and his dog were walking along a road The man was enjoying the scenery, when  it suddenly occurred to him that he was dead.

He  remembered dying, and that the dog walking beside him had been dead for years.  He wondered where the road was leading them After  a while, they came to a high, white stone wall along one side of the road. It  looked like fine marble. At the top of a long hill, it was broken by a tall arch  that glowed in the sunlight.
When  he was standing before it he saw a magnificent gate in the arch that looked like  mother-of-pearl, and the street that led to the gate looked like pure gold. He  and the dog walked toward the gate, and as he got closer, he saw a man at a desk  to one side.
When  he was close enough, he called out, ‘Excuse me, where are we?’

‘This  is Heaven, sir,’ the man answered.

‘Wow!  Would you happen to have some water?’ the man asked.
‘Of  course, sir. Come right in, and I’ll have some ice water brought right up.’
The  man gestured, and the gate began to open.

‘Can  my friend,’ gesturing toward his dog, ‘come in, too?’ the traveler asked.

‘I’m  sorry, sir, but we don’t accept
pets.’

The  man thought a moment and then turned back toward the road and continued the way  he had been going with his dog.

After  another long walk, and at the top of another long hill, he came to a dirt road  leading through a farm gate that looked as if it had never been closed. There  was no fence.
As  he approached the gate, he saw a man inside, leaning against a tree and reading  a book.

‘Excuse  me!’ he called to the man. ‘Do you have any water?’
‘Yeah,  sure, there’s a pump over there, come on in.’

‘How  about my friend here?’ the traveler gestured to the dog.
‘There  should be a bowl by the pump.’
They  went through the gate, and sure enough, there was an old-fashioned hand pump  with a bowl beside it.

The  traveler filled the water bowl and took a long drink himself, then he gave some  to the dog.

When  they were full, he and the dog
walked  back toward the man who was standing by the tree.

‘What  do you call this place?’ the traveler asked.

‘This is Heaven,’ he answered.

‘Well,  that’s confusing,’ the traveler said.
‘The man down the road said
that was  Heaven, too.’

‘Oh,  you mean the place with the gold street and pearly gates? Nope. That’s hell.’

“Doesn’t  it make you mad for them to use your name like that,the man  said?”

‘No,  we’re just happy that they screen out the folks who would leave their best  friends behind.’
Soooo
Sometimes,  we wonder why friends keep forwarding jokes to us without writing a  word.
Maybe this will explain.
When  you are very busy, but still want to keep in touch, guess what you do?
You  forward jokes.
When  you have nothing to say, but still want to keep contact, you forward jokes.
When  you have something to say, but don’t know what, and don’t know how, you forward  jokes.
Also  to let you know that you are still remembered, you are still important, you are  still loved, you are still cared for, guess what you get?

A forwarded joke.
So,  next time if you get a joke, don’t think that you’ve been sent just another  forwarded joke, but that you’ve been thought of today and your friend on the  other end of your computer wanted to send you a smile.

Starbuck’s needs brand advice.

19 May 2008
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Starbucks has other brand issues besides their peddling music over the counter.
Another one of those California Right Wing Christian Conservative groups.
There are so many in California critically known as the Right Coast by people that face globes while standing on their heads.
This group called the Resistance is calling for a boycott of Starbucks due to their recycling of an old Starbucks logo.

The Resistance says the new image "has a naked woman on it with her legs spread like a prostitute," Mark Dice, founder of the group.

For those that are curious about the background of The Resistance and founder Mark Dice, he is the illegitimate love child of Juan Valdez and Linda Lovelace, who had a dark steamy and hyper love affair in the heady days of the seventies as both Lovelace and Valdez experienced a climatic career crescendo. Valdez worked as a coffee bean picker in Columbia before later investing in cocaine fields and retiring to the Outer Banks and Lovelace redefined the porn industry with her exposure of techniques that had previously been held underground. Both Juan and Linda later gave up their stage names. They also both came to a bad end. Linda was a porn star heroine that later became an unhappy mother troubled by her past. Juan was a victim of the Bush War on Drugs. Both ironically passed away at about the same time, but their memories will live on in film for eternity, or at least as long as YouTube Remains online.

More on the original story here
http://www.startribune.com/…69709.html

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Romney Complains that Mormons Can’t Compete in A Caucus without Coffee and Sweets

05 Feb 2008

starbucks-coffee-donuts-west-virginia-caucus Mitt Romney lost the West Virginia Caucus today and he’s hopping mad about the unfairness of the Caucus process.  The caucus works when people filter into a room and choose a table to sit at.  The table with the most people wins the nomination for that state.  If no one has a majority, then the tables with numbers under 15% have to go sit at one of the other tables.

In West Virginia on the first round, Mitt Romney’s table came in first, Mike Huckabee came in second and John McCain came in a distant distant third.  But no one had a majority.

It was around lunch time when things wrapped on that first session and people were hungry.  Unfortunately, Romney’s table didn’t allow donuts or coffee since Romney is Mormon and the hungry McCain supporters had to choose between water and crackers or Starbucks and Krispy Kremes.  They weren’t sure what to do so they called John McCain, who told his supporters that he did not want to torture them and that they should vote their stomach and that’s how the McCain supporters decided to switch to the Huckabee table and let Huckabee jump from second to first!

Mitt Romney then turned to his buddies at the ACLU and at the Federal Election Committed to look into the fairness of an event that could be decided on transfats and caffeine ingredients that are taboo at best for Mormons.

Jose, Third Man to Walk on Water

03 Feb 2008

There have now been three men in pseudo history to walk on water.

Jesus

Peter

and now Jose

no-more-cowbell-walking-on-water

Christopher Walken’s documented effort to walk on water was disqualified due to unnatural influences.

This Roman 4th Century Fresco Features Jesus Christ Panhandling

23 Jan 2008

4th century fresco Jesus peddling for money Archaeologists working for the Vatican released a images of this dramatic Fresco restoration featuring an image of Jesus Christ panhandling.  The Fresco is remarkable for several reasons.  It features what is believed to be a fresco copy of an original created when Jesus walked the Earth 400 years earlier.  It is also remarkable in that it features Jesus Christ holding what looks remarkably like a modern day collection plate or a WWI era British helmet.

female restroom vatican in pope's quarters The fresco was found in a catacomb recently discovered within the Vatican City.  The catacomb’s location was previously unknown before water damage created a sink hole.  The water damage was caused by the backup of a toilet in a newly installed female restroom within the inner sanctum of the Popes quarters.

The restroom has recently been the source of a great scandal as it was rapidly revealed that the women’s restroom has a one way mirror installed within it.  Apparently, when a woman utilizes the Pope’s female restroom they are able to see through the mirror into the Pope’s own private restroom when the pope turns on the restroom fan, which apparently makes the mirror translucent.

Many scholars are still struggling to understand how a 4th Century Roman artist could have depicted a sign that appears to be written in modern English.  Vatican scholars however have been quick to point out that the Lord works in weird and mysterious ways.

Click Here

Update

We have received a large number of visitors to this article asking the Question

What would Jesus Do?

and

Would Jesus protest or picket dead soldiers?

Would Jesus protest or picket homosexuals?

Jesus protest or picket actors that have died by accident after playing a homosexual in a movie?

We just wanted to let everyone know that Jesus would not do any of the above.  Jesus was never very big on making political statements or making attempts to sway people’s beliefs with overly dramatic exhibitions of himself. 

christ-searching-for-surf-board jesus-protest-jesus-over-the-top-bad-performance-art

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