Now I place my iPad to sleep,
I pray to Facebook my page to keep,
If I should die before I wake,
I pray the Facebook my page to take.
If I should live for other days,
I’ll post more dribble anyways.

*Recite every night so as to avoid sudden Facebook death, defriending, viral drunken photo embarrassment, and death by pokes.

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TEHRAN (Reuters) – President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad on Sunday told Iran’s Prophets Television (IPTV) to start broadcasting Iran’s version of Wonka Vision across Tehran.  Wonka Vision enables viewers to literally enter their television sets. 

This technology is extremely popular among Tehrans clerics and religious leaders who hope to broadcast television shows of a heavenly paradise filled with an infinite set of 72 virgins to go around, such that the masses can then proceed directly to heaven through their wide screen TV’s imported from China.

Many in Tehran have taken to the streets this week to protest that only rich Iranians will be able to afford Wonka Vision, leaving the poor on Earth to fend for themselves after all the rich leaders have gone on to a new realm.

Most G8 leaders have expressed their doubts that Iran really has achieved a working version of Wonka vision.  Press Secretary William Gibbs from the United States stated, “As much as we would love to see our friends in Iran disappear into a television set, we just don’t think they really have this technology.  They’re really just braggarts and blowhards.”

Israel has been remarkably quiet.  Rumors have been flying over the last 24 hours that top scientists in Israel are actually working to funnel Wonka Vision technology to Iran secretly through double agent scientists in Pakistan.  Israel is currently the only country in the world that has both the capability to transmit a person into and out of a television set.  All other countries have only been able to send viewers into their sets, where they remain stuck forever.

I see Oompa Loompas by GoodToGoTees
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Property of the Oompa Loompa Army by stefrosa
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The US government unveiled a new economic stimulus incentive for unemployed American workers this week.  The Obama administration wants the unemployed to go to fight for the Taliban in Afghanistan.

Secretary Gibbs, “We just don’t have any money left (here) in the US to extend unemployed benefits, but we have this great program in Afghanistan paying Taliban fighters to stop fighting.”  The secretary was speaking to a room full of no reporters or other living people Thursday evening.  “We just need to make lemonade out of lemons.  Shipping the unemployed to Afghanistan would decrease our unemployment numbers here in the US, thus convincing investors that the economy is improving and that it is safe to invest in America again (hint hint China how about a loan?).”

He went on to state, “Once they get over to Afghanistan and pick up arms against our own troops, our negotiators on the ground can throw piles of cash at them and convince them to stop fighting.”

Gibbs apparently conceived this remarkable policy all by himself after reading about Jihad Jane here in the US.  “Essentially, you have this unemployed woman, just looking for a job and instead she finds Islam and decides to fight Americans on American soil.   That’s just bad all the way around.  We need to export home grown terrorists to the states that do sponsor terrorism, like Afghanistan, Iran, Indonesia, Iraq and Luxembourg.”

Later when President Obama was asked if Gibbs spoke for the administration on this ground breaking policy shift, the President stated, “Right now, I’m dropping everything else to focus on health insurance reform.  If folks choose to ship out to Afghanistan, well that’s just fewer people we have to cover with universal health care here at home.  Most people don’t realize it, but the Taliban already offer universal health care.  I saw it first hand during my trips to Pakistan in my youth.  The Taliban screw up a lot of things, but they know health care!”

Do You Have the Right Stuff to Fight for the Taliban Against America?

Here’s a quick quiz to figure out if you might have what it takes to fight for the Taliban and receive US money for your efforts

1. Are you male or female?  (if you answered female, please stop taking this quiz and put on a burka, just who the hell taught you to read and write in the first place?  They should be stoned to death.)
2. Are you unemployed?
3. Are you pissed at the US government for being unemployed?
4. Can you take or leave Christianity?
5. Would you like to have a harem of women?  How about lots of virgins?
6. Do you like the mountains?
7. Would you like to travel to the country that Hitler felt started the Aryan race?  (You may be over qualified, but the US government may pay you anyway)
8. Do Liberals in the US think you are an asshole?  How about Libertarians?
9. Have you ever dropped out of a christian college?
10. Do you know anything about nuclear fission, explosives, chemical weapons?  (You may be eligible for rapid advancement and larger payoffs!)

Please note, that the Taliban will provide you training, both mental, spiritual and physical.  By the end of your physical training, you should be able to hump a SAM system over a mountain without being spotted, and go hand over hand on monkey bars for a series of up to 12 bars.  Clothing will be provided.

You will be required to fill out a direct deposit form with the US government before you can stop fighting for the Taliban and according to the Hatch Act you will not be able to use any funds provided by the US government to lobby or politicize your fellow American Taliban fighters for or against any US party or system, but you can use that money to bribe and payoff any local Afghany official that you like.  (We encourage you to spread your money around as a little goes a long way and most Afghanistan officials only stay paid off for a few minutes at a time.

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Republicans are getting all worked up over the party to end all parties, its the 2010 Tea Bagger Ball in Memphis Tennessee!

Of course, they are not the only ones interested in this party!  Democrats, Independents, and even the remaining Libertarians with a sense of humor that haven’t gotten sucked   into the Tea Bag blow out can’t wait for the ultimate smack down in Tea Bag jokes.

The more socially conservative, conservatives were appalled last year to learn that the fun founding father catch phrases that worked 240 years ago in politics had taken on a very sexual connotation in the present.  Even though many of those same socially conservative, conservatives are the SAME ones that give regular good ol’ boy conservatives a bad name by fornicating with any thing with a fornication button regardless of sex and religion while demonizing how bad that is for everyone else to do out of the other side of any remaining open orifice, they were none-the less surprise to find out that tea bags today can also refer to TESTICLES!

Fun Factoid! Did you know that both Tea Bags and Testicles hang around like limp sacks, not doing much of anything unless you pull on their string up and down a little bit?

Yup, it is true, so knock yourself out!

So if you have $500 for a plate of dinner, a $250 hotel room in Memphis and some twisted morals that you don’t let your congregation know too much about, head on down to the Tea Baggers Ball!

Got Tea Bags? by ViralGrapeWrath

Got Tea Bags? by ViralGrapeWrath

Don’t Teabag Me, BroT-Shirt by ClarityRules

I’m not anti-Republican, just anti-BONEHEAD by noyoudidnt

Fuk’d News Mug by ClarityRules

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Christmas may be over a month away but most people agree that getting up at 4 am to go to a Super-Walmart less than 5 miles away in any direction is the dumbest idea they have ever heard of.

"Why the hell would I go to Wal-Mart at 5 am and wait in line.  Isn’t that stupid ass store open 24 hours a day 363 days a year?  They can bite me!” said Jeremy Rosenblatz, Senior Executive Vice Director of Politically Correct Marketing Communications for Cox recently during an interview on CNBC.

Jeremy’s not a lone, That stupid ass store can bite us!  We’re not going to fall for that black sky is falling go by extra crap so you can return it in a month after you have used it just a little bit but can’t pay your credit card bill any more because Bank of America jacked up your interest rate to 80% after the US bailed them out and let them by Meryll Lynch with zero risk, yes they can bite us.

The remainder of this blog article purposefully left blank.

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Have a problem with your Meineke car care service or brakes?  Talk to God, its the Meineke way.  Ask about the Pearly Plan and Meineke may even put you on a fast track to talk to God.  You might say that they will not put any brakes in your way . . .

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Read  The Caption on the first photo then look at the second  photo

Look at the  picture above and you can see where this driver broke through the  guardrail, on the right side of the culvert,
where  the people are standing on the road, pointing.

The  pick-up was traveling about 75 mph from right to left when it crashed  through the guardrail.  It flipped end-over-end, bounced off  and  across the culvert outlet and landed right side up on the left  side of the culvert, facing the opposite direction from which the driver  was traveling.

The  22-year-old driver and his 18-year-old passenger were unhurt except for  minor cuts and bruises.
Just  outside Flagstaff ,  AZ on U.S. Hwy 100.
Now  look at the second picture below…

If this  guy didn’t believe in the great Norse God Locke before, do you suppose he believes now?

Let this be a  reminder to all of us, the great Norse God Locke is in control of your luck!

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