Christmas has come early for California Males as a new study indicates that Marijuana can essentially be used as a means of birth control.  Like the pill, using marijuana to decrease the effectiveness of sperm is not fool proof but most marijuana users that have been polled recently didn’t care and thought it was ‘cool’. 

‘So what if my sperm can’t get my girlfriend pregnant. Dude, this is the best news I’ve heard since medical marijuana was legalized in the first place!’ Zed Farley of Los Angeles.

The correlation between marijuana and male infertility was initially seen as a negative.  Within 24 hours of the reports of the sperm propulsion study at the University of California, doctors office up and down the state were deluged with patients seeking justification to use medical marijuana for birth control.

Summary of the Science Behind Marijuana as Birth Control

According to a research team at the University of California, San Francisco, sperm needs to relax before being deployed. This means they have to cease wagging their tails (flagella) in order to avoid fatigue, thus significantly decreasing their chances of finding an egg.

Scientists report that the activity of the sperm is based upon their acidic level, but researchers from the University found the passage that enables the sperm to release microscopic particles.

Once the tiny cells are in the female reproductive tract, the proton shedding converts their internal atmosphere from a pH (acidic) reading to an alkaline environment, and they begin their race to the egg, according to the experts.

Read more: Marijuana May Be Tied to Male Infertility – All Headline News

Medical practitioners were quick to point out that smoking marijuana will not decrease the transmission of sexually transmitted disease.  However, they do not refute the fact that if a person does contract a sexually transmitted diseases and subsequently become depressed, marijuana may help after the fact.

Related Reading Marijuana Birth Control

Related Viewing Marijuana Birth Control

The European super collider known as LHC destined to figure out antimatter and much more scared many people thinking that it could trigger a black hole that would swallow the earth.  It scared some people so much that they set up web cams to monitor the collider around the clock looking for evidence of an escalation of the eschaton.

So you can imagine the surprise of discovery by dozens of scientists whose voice suddenly became very high pitched and nasally like a cartoon when a different type of accident occurred. The site suffered a major temperature rise.  Not a combustion of fusion that would turn Earth into a new Sun, but instead a good sized jump that messed with the collider magnets and caused lots of problems. 

It could have triggered a black hole if macgiveresque scientists had not acted quickly to thwart global catastrophe.  Jean Luc Bousardo performed a number of calculations to solve for a prevention of catastrophe when he saw temperatures rising and magnets failing.  From his deductions, he then grabbed a fire ax and attacked several helium tanks.

This unleashed a massive amount of helium, which was rapidly inhaled by all scientists and techs present.  Jean Luc then proceeded to direct the mass of scientists in a fast rendition of Soundgarden’s Black Hole Sun sung with that high pitched voice that can only be achieved from sucking helium.  The Scientists belted out the squeaky power balad over and over again maintaining a harmonic resonance that kept the facility stable until crews could cool the tunnels and bring the entire project offline for repairs.

The adhoc attempt to save us all from eminent doom worked so well that choirs have now been brought in to sing with helium aided assistance in the break room that formerly showed movies 24/7 for employees complete with a cafe and home theater seating.