Viral Grape Vine

It would seem that some one beat us to market with a similar concept “I am Rich”, an iPhone application that sold for $999 (maximum price) through Apple Stores. Unlike our application, the ‘I am Rich’ application did nothing but display a screen saver with a Ruby on it as a ‘work of art‘, which could be used as a status symbol to let your friends know that you had money to burn. 

It sure didn’t do anything practical like increase vault size or help get a $40 million beach house approved on the Ocean side of A1A in Palm Beach.

Our application on the contrary served a valuable public service. It randomly replaced ring tones on a users iPhone with the very loud and vocal words of “HEY YOU BIG DUMB MORON, ANSWER YOUR STUPID PHONE!”.

Our application also was designed to sell at a price point of $999. We conducted a large number of focus groups and marketing surveys with a specialty marketing firm (maybe you’ve heard of them FanBoy Research Inc in San Francisco).

Their research results indicated that there would be a massive number of iPhone users that would love this product and its service.

Unfortunately, Apple has decided to block our application from their store temporarily as they undergo a full review of their application approval process.

That review is expected to take 9 months. We do not have the funding to keep our startup going that long and we are now forced to shut things down.

We do not have much debt($123,452 mostly owed to Appalachian Strip Clubs), so if anyone has a spare $40 million dollars laying around, this would be a great opportunity to sink some money into a great equity deal. Please contact me and we can discuss the sale of the rights to our application. If I don’t pick up on the first ring myself, its because I’m playing PS3 in a tourney today at my parent’s house. I start middle school next week and have to get through this level with my team.

For an extra $123,452 we can complete beta testing as well. (It would seem that all of our beta testers spend a lot of time in Appalachian Strip Clubs.)

Second, I wanted to talk about the Orgasmetric system. Now, I for one am very glad to see more people embracing the orgasmetric system. For decades in America we have been stuck on the English Orgasm system, with heavy puritan influences.

Even when the free love movement hit America 40 years ago, people still measured their orgasms against the old system.

Well, everyone knows that the numbers are always a lot bigger when you use any variation of the metric system and that goes dOuble for the Orgasmetric system.

Now, of course the standard unit of measure for the the Orgasmetric system is the ‘Ooooooh’, pronounced with an emphasis on the transition from the hard sounding O to the trailing oooooooo.

In the english system, the standard measurement is the Grunt. Because cursing or exclaiming the name of your favorite deity is typically taboo, only grunts are allowed.

So under the Orgasmetric system you will commonly see references to the

miliOoooooh
centiOoooooh
deciOoooooh
Ooooooh
decaOoooooh
hectaOoooooh
kilaOoooooh

Now things don’t get really mythical until you reach for the GigaOoooooh. Like fusion, a teraOoooooh is currently out of the reach of humankind, but many people think that science could make this possible within the next 10 years.

That’s something best left to Viagra.

I’m positive that Domino’s will deliver Viagra on Pizza’s starting in the fourth quarter as they launch their new moto.

"Rock Hard Abs may get you into the Sack, But Domino’s Rock Hard Pizzagra will keep you there!"

It seemed to me that the image could have benefited from a slight reworking with a different image sub title.

This may look like the back of a sports bra at first glance. Look again at the elastic fitting on this ISD (Improvised Support Device).

I just want to say that this is wrong on so many levels that I just can’t list them all, but here’s a go at it.

-Your bra should never have skid mark stains in it
-Your head is not a taint
-This is not the way to avoid a wedgy
-If someone pulls a penis out the whole designed for it, I will scream.
-That’s not pubic hair, it’s a hair do
-One should not mix plumbers butt with belly cleavage and real cleavage all at once
-Fruit of the Loons were not made to support melons
-If your under wear gets a rip in it and your package is getting caught in your jeans, do not give your under wear to your wife to wear. (if you must get some extra use out of them, donate the damn things to charity and write it off on your taxes like Bill Clinton does)
-This is no way to cure acne on your back, that’s just a stupid urban legend stop believing everything you hear and read.
-This is what happened to one girl that pulled her head out of her boy friend’s ass.
-Lose a bet - $20, Being forced to stick it where the Sun Doesn’t Shine, A Price to High to Pay
-Even my dog that chews up underwear thinks this is gross
-Warning! Wearing Mens Underwear as a shirt will void the manufacturers warranty.

by

Brett H Bumeter

ViralGrapeVine - VGV

Produced by Softduit Media Softduit Media

Copyright 2008 all rights reserved (and all parking spaces reserved too)

The Word Dummies is probably trademarked and so to all you Dummies publishers, please look at this as my application to publish the full version of this book. I’ve read your standards and will be most happy to comply with them if you give me a green light and a big fat contract (or even an anemic contract with a free years supply of Gorgonzola cheese thrown in on the side …)

Chapter 1 Introduction to Speed Reading Magazines

First you need some magazines, have someone go and get you a stack of magazines that if stacked safely would reach up in the air 1,000 feet.

Tip! Don’t let yourself know that someone is buying you 1,000 feet of magazines. It is the key to speed reading success if you never know how much you truly will have to read.

Chapter 2 Speed Reading Preparation

Set yourself up in a well lit room. Sun light is too bright for your eyes. We recommend flourescent tube lighting on egg shell white walls.

Also, you will need a large flat surfaced desk with nothing on it, especially no computer with email running. Turn off any device that makes sound like a mp3 player or tv.

Tip! Equipping your room with a jabbering friend or loved one can actually help to increase your reading speed and retention as you simultaneously learn to block out their wasted breath. In fact, their endless obnoxious jabbering can actually become an incentive to read more and faster, as you will be able to tell them endlessly in response, “I’m sorry I have this big stack of magazines that I have to read today.”

Chapter 3 The Stacks

Just like in a library, you must have stacks of magazines in order to fully engage your mind and get up to the proper reading speed. Its the same type of thing with cars that even at idle (with no brakes applied) will often travel at 3-10 mph (5 - 14 kmh) when the accelerator is not even depressed. The cars move because they have lots of road before them and no one gets anywhere going at speeds approaching zero.

Just like that car, you need to see plenty of road before you and so at this point you need to arrange for a 2 foot stack of magazines to be delivered to your home or location every day by 8:30 am.

The magazines should be delivered in a canvas bag (a big ass sack of a bag) and organized as if someone dumped them into the bag from the back of a truck with a pitch fork.

Advanced - If you can get someone to actually do this, you will achieve better results much faster than your peers!

Tip! Magazines do not fill in gaps well, so in the spaces at the edge of the bag you should also arrange for some bonus reading material to be inserted in the form of random internet pages that have been printed onto sheets of paper. When this paper is stacked it should be about 6 - 12 inches high (that’s in female inches or as measured by a female as guys are known to exagerate the measurement of anything under a meter.)

Chapter 5 Unloading your stack

After your bag of material arrives, drop the heavy damn bag on the floor from a height of no less than 1 meter. The bag full of magazines should make a deep ‘Whummppph!’ sound. This is very important as it will help ingrane in your psyche that there is a lot of shit to read and should therefore help give your hypocampus or hypoglamus or one of those hippo sounding brainy glands a jolt like a dolphin stunning fish with sonar.

Question - Why is it OK for whales and dolphins to stun fish with sonar, but it is not OK for the navy to stun whales and dolphins with sonar?

I like dolphins and whales more than fish, but I smell a fishy double standard at play here.

Once your Whump Whummpph bag has been dropped, you should proceed to pull out magazines and papers in a two handed grab. Take your grab of material and set it on your desk. Then methodically and neetly organize it into a perfect stack.

Take the first paper or magazine off the stack, grab a highlighter and a pen, and then open the magazine. Read the magazine really really really fast from left to right and top to bottom unless you are reading hebrew or arabic then read right to left and top to bottom or if you are reading Chinese or Japanese then read top to bottom and left to right or if you are a part Japanese reading arabic and you also happen to be Walleyed and Dislexic then write to me in chicken scratch as if dictated to a one fingered baboon and I will custom pen a version of this book for you by 2015.

Chapter 6 Taking Notes as you go

If you read something important, write why its important write on the page. Highlight only things you will quote.

Then rip the page out of the magazine you are reading and stack neatly in a new stack on the upper left hand corner of your desk.

Repeat this reading and note taking process for 2 hours or until you have a 2 inch stack of papers with important stuff on it.

Then take a 40 minute break to write all that stuff up on a computer.

Chapter 7 What to do with the Used Stack

We all must dutifully work to protect our environment. Therefore, it is absolutely essential that you do everything in your power to recycle the magazines and paper appropriately and in a timely manner.

Do this before the day is out. Do not leave any of this material in your home or office as it will dishearten you and sabotage your attempts to do this again tomorrow.

Chapter 7 Repeat

Now just keep reading stacks like this until your friend tells you that there are no more magazines and also then informs you that you have just completed a 1,000 foot stack of magazines, plus 400 feet of other paper materials.

Chapter 8 Diploma

Once you have accomplished this magnificent goal, you can apply to receive a diploma. PayPal me $6 and I will email you a diploma. If you want something fancy and framed, PayPal me $100 plus shipping materials and funds to pay for shipping.

If you want to walk down an aisle in a cap and gown, PayPal me $5,000, I’ll arrange for you to be snuck into a local university where you can hop into line, and walk down the aisle.

Shaking my hand during this process costs extra. PayPal me funds for a first class ticket to wherever you are and I will jump in front of the Dean of the ceremony and shake your hand.

Video commemorating this event. Video for the event is free if you have paid all the other items above. In fact, I promise to publish the video across the internet for the world to see.

Chapter 9 Finding a Job

Unless you want to apply for a job with the US NSA (requires a security clearance), there are no jobs in this field that will serve you well. (slightly better than finding a job selling car parts)

However, there is a competition (urban legend really) where Google is offering a $1 billion cash prize to the first person that can really read through everything and reach the end of the internet before they die.

Good luck!