PONTE VEDRA BEACH, Fla.—Officials for the PGA publicly apologized to Tiger Woods today for thwarting sex addiction Friday, but the star golfer left unclear when or if he would return to the sport.

In his first public appearance since the November car accident that touched off the scandal, Mr. Woods defiantly denied rumors that his wife might have hit him out of anger or during their own private role playing fantasies.  He implored the media to leave his family alone.

Meanwhile, PGA officials acknowledged that they have been receiving in-patient therapy for their issues and talking with Greek Finance minister hoping to seek financial counseling advice to help them recover from the tsunami of losses racking up now that they have pushed out their primary source of income, Tiger Woods.

"We have a lot to atone for," stated PGA Tour Commissioner Tim Finchen. 

“If there is anything we can do to bring Tiger back to the sport of golf faster, we will.  Need stripper caddies, no problem.  Lap dances in golf carts, no problem.  Ménage à trois brunch events, we’re all over that.  The PGA is going to sex up our act to foster a more Tiger conducive environment where not only Tiger but any sexual deviant, pervert, whack job, flasher etc that can bring in advertisers and money like Tiger can is free to express themselves and rub one out with or without help as they like.”

Wearing a black sport coat and open collar—and often staring straight into the camera—Mr. Woods expressed his appreciation for the sentiments of the commissioner and other PGA Tour officials as they stood behind a podium at the TPC Sawgrass golf course where the PGA Tour is headquartered speaking in front of a group of some 40 people, including friends, associates his mother and a bevy of professional women that flew in from Las Vegas just for the public apology event.

"I do plan to return to golf one day," Mr. Woods said. "I just don’t know when that day will be. I don’t rule out that it will be this year. When I return, I need to make clear that my behavior and actions performed in private will be my business and my business alone, but if I text you for help while I’m lying in a ditch after my wife has beat me over the head with a golf club while running me down in the family car, call an ambulance, please."

Mr. Finchen concluded the tightly scripted event by saying, "Tiger, I ask you to find room in your heart to one day believe in us again." He then hugged Tiger while giving him a hand job in front of the national press.

TIGER WOODS – golfer, Just Do Me by orlandocougarclub
View more Tiger T-Shirts

TIGER WOODS – I was in a FOURSOME with TIGER by orlandocougarclub
View more Tiger T-Shirts

TIGER WOODS, golfer, JUST DO ME by orlandocougarclub
More Tiger T-Shirts

iPad with wings

“I’m not buying an iPad until they release one with wings”

I’m an iPad / I’m a Maxi-Pad

“I can’t wait for the ‘I’m an iPad / I’m a Maxi-Pad’ commercials”

iPad Nothing! My Boobs Really Are This Big Tshirt

“iPad Nothing! My boobs are really this big”

Ipad

OMGWTF iPAD Packaged up nice and neat

Steve Wants YOU

“Steve Jobs Wants YOu”

iPad/iTampon

I’m not going to make fun of the iPad

I’ll just wait for the iTampon to leak

iPaddy iPad (Leprechaun)

iPaddy in time for St Patty’s Day

Not Flashy

“Not Flashy”

idouche 

iTits

iPaddy iPad (Shamrock)

iPaddy Ladies t-shirt

iPaddy iPad (Shamrock)

iPaddy St Patty’s day poster for your bar or party

iHottie

Screw wearing iPad t-shirts when you can wear an iHottie tank top

iBored (dark)

iBored with the whole thing

Christmas has come early for California Males as a new study indicates that Marijuana can essentially be used as a means of birth control.  Like the pill, using marijuana to decrease the effectiveness of sperm is not fool proof but most marijuana users that have been polled recently didn’t care and thought it was ‘cool’. 

‘So what if my sperm can’t get my girlfriend pregnant. Dude, this is the best news I’ve heard since medical marijuana was legalized in the first place!’ Zed Farley of Los Angeles.

The correlation between marijuana and male infertility was initially seen as a negative.  Within 24 hours of the reports of the sperm propulsion study at the University of California, doctors office up and down the state were deluged with patients seeking justification to use medical marijuana for birth control.

Summary of the Science Behind Marijuana as Birth Control

According to a research team at the University of California, San Francisco, sperm needs to relax before being deployed. This means they have to cease wagging their tails (flagella) in order to avoid fatigue, thus significantly decreasing their chances of finding an egg.

Scientists report that the activity of the sperm is based upon their acidic level, but researchers from the University found the passage that enables the sperm to release microscopic particles.

Once the tiny cells are in the female reproductive tract, the proton shedding converts their internal atmosphere from a pH (acidic) reading to an alkaline environment, and they begin their race to the egg, according to the experts.

Read more: Marijuana May Be Tied to Male Infertility – All Headline News

Medical practitioners were quick to point out that smoking marijuana will not decrease the transmission of sexually transmitted disease.  However, they do not refute the fact that if a person does contract a sexually transmitted diseases and subsequently become depressed, marijuana may help after the fact.

Related Reading Marijuana Birth Control

Related Viewing Marijuana Birth Control

Just when Health Care Insurance Reform seemed almost dead, the Obama Administration and Democrats received the best gift a politician can receive, an evil insurance empire acting very badly and painting a massive bull’s eye that any Democrat could hit, even with Nancy Pelosi’s pitching arm.

Thursday morning, Health Secretary Kathleen Sebelius called to thank Anthem CEO Robert Hillman, who succeeded the unlikely duo of Larry Glasscok who begat the next CEO Ben Lytle who begat Hillman.  With so much begatting taking place it is impressive to note just how much business Anthem has been able to capture.  Rumors that Secretary Sebelius also sent lude images of herself wearing a hot little red chemise from Fredericks of Hollywood circulated the internet later tomorrow as well.  Her office denied the rumors and stated that the red chemise was standard attire for the Secretary, who frankly does have a nice body and likes to show off her ‘healthyness’ as a role model and Secretary of Health.

Sebelius is not the first hot mama to go to the mattresses over health care, Hillary Clinton made a hell of a push and almost won some awards over a decade ago as well, but Hillary didn’t have the luxury of fat cat Insurance companies acting like complete morons in the middle of a political fire storm.  Back in the 90’s Insurance companies were still a lot more tentative, but 17 straight years of increasing health care costs coupled with increasing health insurance company profits have made them fat and stupid.

Regardless, it should be pretty easy now for Sebelius and Democrats in Washington to cook up some health insurance witches just after they finish their short sited hunt in Anthem land.

Anthem may get support from an odd crowd however as Tea Baggers are starting to get their hackles up.  Anthem is also the name of an Ayn Rand short story.  Its likely that the Tea Party types might rush to Anthem’s defense mistaking it for a Rand book as opposed to an insurance company.  Its so hard to fight those pesky Democrats when they keep pulling bait and switch tactics like books and insurance companies after all.

1. You know you are a teabagger when
1. Your dog rides in your truck, but your wife stays home and mixes ammonium nitrate.
2. You can remember the fertilizer, pellets and ammonium nitrate mixture ratios, but cannot recall your wife’s birthday.
3. You have stolen gravel from the county road to cover your AK -47 ground stash.
4. You shout down someone who is talking, because you believe they are trying to limit your freedom of speech.
5. You’ve used the same knife to whittle a shiv, and threaten your Congressman.  
6. You have been asked to leave a yard sale.
7. You put the beatdown on your tattoo artist for spelling "MOM" backwards.
8. You hate government health care, and don’t want them to touch your Medicare.
9. The Rush Limbaugh show ended and you cried like John Boehner. 
2. Teabagger’s Leader Questions:
1. What is the smallest limb diameter that will support hanging your Congressman in effigy?
2. How many car radiators are necessary to condense 200 gallons of moonshine?
3. How long will it take your nine children to build a bomb shelter?
4. Going 60 miles an hour, for 12 hours, from your house, how long will it take you to get to Graceland?
5. If a man and woman get married in Texas and move to Washington D. C., are they still first cousins?
6. If your canon fuse is 15 ft. long, and it burns at 1 inch per second, how long does it take to reach the payload?
3. Teabagger’s Computer Vocabulary:
1. Backup – What you do when you run across a liberal in the woods.  
2. Bug – What you do to your Congressman at a town hall meeting.  
3. Byte – What your pit-bull did to your Barack Obama doll.
4. Chip – The smart son who can load a magazine in 32 seconds.  
5. Terminal – Socialist Amtrak station.  
6. Crash – When you go to a Starbucks Coffee by mistake.  
7. Digital – Counting to nine on your fingers.
8. Fax – Rush Limbaugh’s opinion.  
9. Hacker – Your wife after 26 years of smoking.
10. Hardcopy – Picture looked at when selecting tattoos.
11. I nternet – Where you put your hair at work.
12. Keyboard – Where you hang the keys to the Hummer.
13. Mac – Your favorite restaurant.
14. Megahertz – How your head feels after listening to "Barry".  
15. Modem – What you do to liberals who want socialist health care.  
16. Mousepad– Nancy Pelosi’s office
17. Network – Fox News.
18. PC – Losing your freedom of hate speech.
19. ROM – Where the pope lives.
20. Screen – Camouflaged netting to hide ammo stash.  
21. Serial Port – Boones Farm with breakfast.
22. Superconductor – Glenn Beck, but Lou Dobbs is getting better every day.  
23. SCSI (pronounced scuzzi) – Your first cousin after sex.
24. WYSIWYG – 5.5  inches.
25. Serial Port – Boones Farm with breakfast.
4. Why did the teabagger fail his humanities test?        Because he took it.
5. Why did the teabagger cross the road?       Because Fox News told them to.
6. How many teabaggers does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
1. 36. One to screw in thw lighbulb, and 35 to protest the Obama Administration’s policy on creating darkness.
7. What is Teabagging?
8. Where did the term teabagging come from? 
1. John Waters popularized the term ‘teabagger or teabgging’ in the movie Pecker but did not invent it.
9. Distantly about teabagging. . . . The Republicans strip and form a huge naked pile – a gay sex orgy in an attempt to stop the Obama Socialist future – preventing themselves from reproducing.  A few Democrats come along, and start making some reasonable suggestions: resolving our differences with diplomacy, nuclear disarmament, economic stimulus, coming together, holding hands, singing Kumbaya.  People are starting to agree, then one of the Republicans interrupts saying “Wait! This is gay!”  “OK everyone, back in the pile!”
10. A man walked into a bar and asked the bartender, “Hey, have you heard the latest Teabagger joke?” The bartender replied, coldly, “No. And I’ll have you know I’m a Teabagger .”        That’s O. K.,” said the man, “I’ll talk slow.”
11. The Teabaggers were getting really pissed off about people telling all these Teabagger jokes so they decided to stage a march on Washington . . .          When last heard from they were 10 miles out of Seattle.
12. Teabagger’s Joke Book
13. Yet another Tea Bagger T-shirt

THE TEABAGGER by TheManticore666
Buy shirts at zazzle.com

Republicans are getting all worked up over the party to end all parties, its the 2010 Tea Bagger Ball in Memphis Tennessee!

Of course, they are not the only ones interested in this party!  Democrats, Independents, and even the remaining Libertarians with a sense of humor that haven’t gotten sucked   into the Tea Bag blow out can’t wait for the ultimate smack down in Tea Bag jokes.

The more socially conservative, conservatives were appalled last year to learn that the fun founding father catch phrases that worked 240 years ago in politics had taken on a very sexual connotation in the present.  Even though many of those same socially conservative, conservatives are the SAME ones that give regular good ol’ boy conservatives a bad name by fornicating with any thing with a fornication button regardless of sex and religion while demonizing how bad that is for everyone else to do out of the other side of any remaining open orifice, they were none-the less surprise to find out that tea bags today can also refer to TESTICLES!

Fun Factoid! Did you know that both Tea Bags and Testicles hang around like limp sacks, not doing much of anything unless you pull on their string up and down a little bit?

Yup, it is true, so knock yourself out!

So if you have $500 for a plate of dinner, a $250 hotel room in Memphis and some twisted morals that you don’t let your congregation know too much about, head on down to the Tea Baggers Ball!

Got Tea Bags? by ViralGrapeWrath

Got Tea Bags? by ViralGrapeWrath

Don’t Teabag Me, BroT-Shirt by ClarityRules

I’m not anti-Republican, just anti-BONEHEAD by noyoudidnt

Fuk’d News Mug by ClarityRules

Two young boys walked into a pharmacy one day, picked out a box of tampons and proceeded to the checkout counter.

The man at the counter asked the older boy, "Son, how old are you?"

"Eight," the boy replied.

The man continued, "do you know what these are used for?"

The boy replied, "not exactly, but they aren’t for me. They’re for him.  He’s my brother. He’s four. We saw on TV that if you use these you would be able to swim and ride a bike. Right now, he can’t do either."

Male Tampon Commercial

Sit Down and Clap for this Tampon Commercial

How Not to Size a Tampon Commercial

Insiders are reporting that Marge Simpson’s Playboy cover and pullout centerfold also features an interview of the Blue Haired bombshell.  In that interview Marge reportedly discusses her recent months at the Playboy bunny ranch and her skype phone counseling sessions with the Octomom. 

Octomom reportedly had a short term fling with former child star Bart Simpson this summer, something many close friends described as payback against her ex husband.  Marge got involved to make sure that her son was not ‘emotionally injured in the crossfire’ but later became close with Kate.

Now, in the interview in Playboy, Marge seems to be extending an olive branch to Kate to reconsider posing in the world’s most famous gentlemen’s magazine.

Separately, the Simpson camp is fighting off a bit of a scandal as pictures of Marge receiving a Brazilian wax job in preparation for her centerfold have been leaked to the internet.  Her people were quick to point out that the images were probably doctored as “Mrs. Simpson is a cartoon character and with the exception of her Blue Doo, doesn’t have much body hair to speak of…”

 Homer Simpson reportedly recently purchased a digital camera and a Mac with Photoshop.

Anyone viewing this years collection of Victoria Secret designs will rapidly jump to the conclusion that the maker of ladies lingerie, swim suits and other optional clothing items has gone completely stupid-nuts.  The CEO last year complained that the designs had gotten ‘too sexy’ and this years line up appears to fix that by making runway models look ridiculous ugly and frumpy and well like something out of a soft porn version of Alice in Wonderland.

See for yourself

“OK, like, these costumes really suck ass Victoria.”

“Anyone seen my Chiquita banana headset?”

One stupid way to hide a nice rack

Some things are worse when wrapped in a bow.

I’m Fat Bastard’s wet dream gone wrong just to piss off Austin Powers.

I wanted to be a Victoria’s Secret model when I grew up.  I was so screwed in the head.

Could only look worse if she were on roller skates

Way too much fabric for lingerie

The Edelweiss meets Thors neighborhood tramp get up

Just throw any ole nasty panties together with faux fur

“This is why Ulysses Shrugged”

“This has to be a joke right?”

Hey Victoria, Ayn Rand and Austin Powers called, they say your looking pretty ugly baby.