President Obama (aka Stumpy in high school basketball ) doesn’t want to lose any Democratic Senate seats, and he’s not going to say no to ‘any’ request.  Even if that means rubbing some of his mojo off on Illinois State Treasurer Alexi Giannoulias, who is hoping to pick up Obama’s vacated senate position.

"I appreciate his strong sense of advocacy for ordinary Americans," Obama said during a fundraiser. "You can count on him."

Obama said he needs Giannoulias, and that he needs him in Washington too because, "I don’t know whether you’ve noticed, but we’ve(he and I) got a lot work to do."

So What’s the Problem with this Match Made in the Heart Land?

Well Giannoulias’s family bank has been seized by federal regulators in regards to questionable loans.  Not a good example for someone that worked as the state treasurer and wants to go to Washington in an environment where financial clean up is the staple of the day. 

Maybe Obama will just have to settle for a speech, dinner and a cold shower.

Spoof inspired by Obama Stumps for Democrat Seeking his old Senate Job

Here’s a nice viral email making the rounds disguised as the ‘Polite Way to Pee’ on a date.

During one of her daily classes, a teacher trying to teach good manners, asked her students the following question:

"Michael, if you were on a date having dinner with a nice young lady, how would you tell her that you have to go to the bathroom?"

Michael said, "Just a minute I have to go pee."

The teacher responded by saying, "That would be rude and impolite.

"What about you Sherman, how would you say it?"

Sherman said, "I am sorry, but I really need to go to the bathroom.  I’ll be right back."

"That’s better, but it’s still not very nice to say the word bathroom at the dinner table."

"And you, little Johnny, can you use your brain for once and show us your good manners?"

"I would say: ‘Darling, may I please be excused for a moment?  I have to shake hands with a very dear friend of mine, whom I hope to introduce you to after dinner.’"

The teacher fainted..

Once a year, we must all submit to bathing our eye balls.  Those nasty orbs get relatively filthy without regular cleansing.  While it is true that water on your eye balls can infect you with demons who will make you succumb to the practices of the devil, it is also true you have to clean them regularly.

So in case you were feeling reluctant about this years eye ball scrub, we thought we’d share this nice image of David Hasselhoff wearing an 80’s style bikini.   

Enjoy your scrub!

TEHRAN (Reuters) – President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad on Sunday told Iran’s Prophets Television (IPTV) to start broadcasting Iran’s version of Wonka Vision across Tehran.  Wonka Vision enables viewers to literally enter their television sets. 

This technology is extremely popular among Tehrans clerics and religious leaders who hope to broadcast television shows of a heavenly paradise filled with an infinite set of 72 virgins to go around, such that the masses can then proceed directly to heaven through their wide screen TV’s imported from China.

Many in Tehran have taken to the streets this week to protest that only rich Iranians will be able to afford Wonka Vision, leaving the poor on Earth to fend for themselves after all the rich leaders have gone on to a new realm.

Most G8 leaders have expressed their doubts that Iran really has achieved a working version of Wonka vision.  Press Secretary William Gibbs from the United States stated, “As much as we would love to see our friends in Iran disappear into a television set, we just don’t think they really have this technology.  They’re really just braggarts and blowhards.”

Israel has been remarkably quiet.  Rumors have been flying over the last 24 hours that top scientists in Israel are actually working to funnel Wonka Vision technology to Iran secretly through double agent scientists in Pakistan.  Israel is currently the only country in the world that has both the capability to transmit a person into and out of a television set.  All other countries have only been able to send viewers into their sets, where they remain stuck forever.

I see Oompa Loompas by GoodToGoTees
See other Oompa T-Shirts

Property of the Oompa Loompa Army by stefrosa
See more Oompa T-Shirts

This had most of the state of Michigan laughing for 2 days and a very embarrassed female news anchor who will, in the future, likely think before she speaks. What happens when you predict snow but don’t get any….a true story…We had a female news anchor who, the day after it was supposed to have snowed and didn’t, turned to the weatherman and asked:

"So Bob, where’s that 8 inches you promised me last night?"

Not only did HE have to leave the set, but half the crew did too they were laughing so hard!

In other news . . . Bobbing for tea bags to get a news job. 

Who says that journalism is dead?

That’s just stupid

PONTE VEDRA BEACH, Fla.—Officials for the PGA publicly apologized to Tiger Woods today for thwarting sex addiction Friday, but the star golfer left unclear when or if he would return to the sport.

In his first public appearance since the November car accident that touched off the scandal, Mr. Woods defiantly denied rumors that his wife might have hit him out of anger or during their own private role playing fantasies.  He implored the media to leave his family alone.

Meanwhile, PGA officials acknowledged that they have been receiving in-patient therapy for their issues and talking with Greek Finance minister hoping to seek financial counseling advice to help them recover from the tsunami of losses racking up now that they have pushed out their primary source of income, Tiger Woods.

"We have a lot to atone for," stated PGA Tour Commissioner Tim Finchen. 

“If there is anything we can do to bring Tiger back to the sport of golf faster, we will.  Need stripper caddies, no problem.  Lap dances in golf carts, no problem.  Ménage à trois brunch events, we’re all over that.  The PGA is going to sex up our act to foster a more Tiger conducive environment where not only Tiger but any sexual deviant, pervert, whack job, flasher etc that can bring in advertisers and money like Tiger can is free to express themselves and rub one out with or without help as they like.”

Wearing a black sport coat and open collar—and often staring straight into the camera—Mr. Woods expressed his appreciation for the sentiments of the commissioner and other PGA Tour officials as they stood behind a podium at the TPC Sawgrass golf course where the PGA Tour is headquartered speaking in front of a group of some 40 people, including friends, associates his mother and a bevy of professional women that flew in from Las Vegas just for the public apology event.

"I do plan to return to golf one day," Mr. Woods said. "I just don’t know when that day will be. I don’t rule out that it will be this year. When I return, I need to make clear that my behavior and actions performed in private will be my business and my business alone, but if I text you for help while I’m lying in a ditch after my wife has beat me over the head with a golf club while running me down in the family car, call an ambulance, please."

Mr. Finchen concluded the tightly scripted event by saying, "Tiger, I ask you to find room in your heart to one day believe in us again." He then hugged Tiger while giving him a hand job in front of the national press.

TIGER WOODS – golfer, Just Do Me by orlandocougarclub
View more Tiger T-Shirts

TIGER WOODS – I was in a FOURSOME with TIGER by orlandocougarclub
View more Tiger T-Shirts

TIGER WOODS, golfer, JUST DO ME by orlandocougarclub
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iPad with wings

“I’m not buying an iPad until they release one with wings”

I’m an iPad / I’m a Maxi-Pad

“I can’t wait for the ‘I’m an iPad / I’m a Maxi-Pad’ commercials”

iPad Nothing! My Boobs Really Are This Big Tshirt

“iPad Nothing! My boobs are really this big”

Ipad

OMGWTF iPAD Packaged up nice and neat

Steve Wants YOU

“Steve Jobs Wants YOu”

iPad/iTampon

I’m not going to make fun of the iPad

I’ll just wait for the iTampon to leak

iPaddy iPad (Leprechaun)

iPaddy in time for St Patty’s Day

Not Flashy

“Not Flashy”

idouche 

iTits

iPaddy iPad (Shamrock)

iPaddy Ladies t-shirt

iPaddy iPad (Shamrock)

iPaddy St Patty’s day poster for your bar or party

iHottie

Screw wearing iPad t-shirts when you can wear an iHottie tank top

iBored (dark)

iBored with the whole thing

Christmas has come early for California Males as a new study indicates that Marijuana can essentially be used as a means of birth control.  Like the pill, using marijuana to decrease the effectiveness of sperm is not fool proof but most marijuana users that have been polled recently didn’t care and thought it was ‘cool’. 

‘So what if my sperm can’t get my girlfriend pregnant. Dude, this is the best news I’ve heard since medical marijuana was legalized in the first place!’ Zed Farley of Los Angeles.

The correlation between marijuana and male infertility was initially seen as a negative.  Within 24 hours of the reports of the sperm propulsion study at the University of California, doctors office up and down the state were deluged with patients seeking justification to use medical marijuana for birth control.

Summary of the Science Behind Marijuana as Birth Control

According to a research team at the University of California, San Francisco, sperm needs to relax before being deployed. This means they have to cease wagging their tails (flagella) in order to avoid fatigue, thus significantly decreasing their chances of finding an egg.

Scientists report that the activity of the sperm is based upon their acidic level, but researchers from the University found the passage that enables the sperm to release microscopic particles.

Once the tiny cells are in the female reproductive tract, the proton shedding converts their internal atmosphere from a pH (acidic) reading to an alkaline environment, and they begin their race to the egg, according to the experts.

Read more: Marijuana May Be Tied to Male Infertility – All Headline News

Medical practitioners were quick to point out that smoking marijuana will not decrease the transmission of sexually transmitted disease.  However, they do not refute the fact that if a person does contract a sexually transmitted diseases and subsequently become depressed, marijuana may help after the fact.

Related Reading Marijuana Birth Control

Related Viewing Marijuana Birth Control

Just when Health Care Insurance Reform seemed almost dead, the Obama Administration and Democrats received the best gift a politician can receive, an evil insurance empire acting very badly and painting a massive bull’s eye that any Democrat could hit, even with Nancy Pelosi’s pitching arm.

Thursday morning, Health Secretary Kathleen Sebelius called to thank Anthem CEO Robert Hillman, who succeeded the unlikely duo of Larry Glasscok who begat the next CEO Ben Lytle who begat Hillman.  With so much begatting taking place it is impressive to note just how much business Anthem has been able to capture.  Rumors that Secretary Sebelius also sent lude images of herself wearing a hot little red chemise from Fredericks of Hollywood circulated the internet later tomorrow as well.  Her office denied the rumors and stated that the red chemise was standard attire for the Secretary, who frankly does have a nice body and likes to show off her ‘healthyness’ as a role model and Secretary of Health.

Sebelius is not the first hot mama to go to the mattresses over health care, Hillary Clinton made a hell of a push and almost won some awards over a decade ago as well, but Hillary didn’t have the luxury of fat cat Insurance companies acting like complete morons in the middle of a political fire storm.  Back in the 90’s Insurance companies were still a lot more tentative, but 17 straight years of increasing health care costs coupled with increasing health insurance company profits have made them fat and stupid.

Regardless, it should be pretty easy now for Sebelius and Democrats in Washington to cook up some health insurance witches just after they finish their short sited hunt in Anthem land.

Anthem may get support from an odd crowd however as Tea Baggers are starting to get their hackles up.  Anthem is also the name of an Ayn Rand short story.  Its likely that the Tea Party types might rush to Anthem’s defense mistaking it for a Rand book as opposed to an insurance company.  Its so hard to fight those pesky Democrats when they keep pulling bait and switch tactics like books and insurance companies after all.

1. You know you are a teabagger when
   1. Your dog rides in your truck, but your wife stays home and mixes ammonium nitrate.
   2. You can remember the fertilizer, pellets and ammonium nitrate mixture ratios, but cannot recall your wife’s birthday.
   3. You have stolen gravel from the county road to cover your AK -47 ground stash.
   4. You shout down someone who is talking, because you believe they are trying to limit your freedom of speech.
   5. You’ve used the same knife to whittle a shiv, and threaten your Congressman.
   6. You have been asked to leave a yard sale.
   7. You put the beatdown on your tattoo artist for spelling “MOM” backwards.
   8. You hate government health care, and don’t want them to touch your Medicare.
   9. The Rush Limbaugh show ended and you cried like John Boehner.
2. Teabagger’s Leader Questions:
   1. What is the smallest limb diameter that will support hanging your Congressman in effigy?
   2. How many car radiators are necessary to condense 200 gallons of moonshine?
   3. How long will it take your nine children to build a bomb shelter?
   4. Going 60 miles an hour, for 12 hours, from your house, how long will it take you to get to Graceland?
   5. If a man and woman get married in Texas and move to Washington D. C., are they still first cousins?
   6. If your canon fuse is 15 ft. long, and it burns at 1 inch per second, how long does it take to reach the payload?
3. Teabagger’s Computer Vocabulary:
   1. Backup – What you do when you run across a liberal in the woods.
   2. Bug – What you do to your Congressman at a town hall meeting.
   3. Byte – What your pit-bull did to your Barack Obama doll.
   4. Chip – The smart son who can load a magazine in 32 seconds.
   5. Terminal – Socialist Amtrak station.
   6. Crash – When you go to a Starbucks Coffee by mistake.
   7. Digital – Counting to nine on your fingers.
   8. Fax – Rush Limbaugh’s opinion.
   9. Hacker – Your wife after 26 years of smoking.
   10. Hardcopy – Picture looked at when selecting tattoos.
   11. I nternet – Where you put your hair at work.
   12. Keyboard – Where you hang the keys to the Hummer.
   13. Mac – Your favorite restaurant.
   14. Megahertz – How your head feels after listening to “Barry”.
   15. Modem – What you do to liberals who want socialist health care.
   16. Mousepad– Nancy Pelosi’s office
   17. Network – Fox News.
   18. PC – Losing your freedom of hate speech.
   19. ROM – Where the pope lives.
   20. Screen – Camouflaged netting to hide ammo stash.
   21. Serial Port – Boones Farm with breakfast.
   22. Superconductor – Glenn Beck, but Lou Dobbs is getting better every day.
   23. SCSI (pronounced scuzzi) – Your first cousin after sex.
   24. WYSIWYG – 5.5  inches.
   25. Serial Port – Boones Farm with breakfast.
4. Why did the teabagger fail his humanities test?        Because he took it.
5. Why did the teabagger cross the road?       Because Fox News told them to.
6. How many teabaggers does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
   1. 36. One to screw in thw lighbulb, and 35 to protest the Obama Administration’s policy on creating darkness.
7. What is Teabagging?
8. Where did the term teabagging come from?
   1. John Waters popularized the term ‘teabagger or teabgging’ in the movie Pecker but did not invent it.
9. Distantly about teabagging. . . . The Republicans strip and form a huge naked pile – a gay sex orgy in an attempt to stop the Obama Socialist future – preventing themselves from reproducing.  A few Democrats come along, and start making some reasonable suggestions: resolving our differences with diplomacy, nuclear disarmament, economic stimulus, coming together, holding hands, singing Kumbaya.  People are starting to agree, then one of the Republicans interrupts saying “Wait! This is gay!”  “OK everyone, back in the pile!”
10. A man walked into a bar and asked the bartender, “Hey, have you heard the latest Teabagger joke?” The bartender replied, coldly, “No. And I’ll have you know I’m a Teabagger .” That’s O. K.,” said the man, “I’ll talk slow.”
11. The Teabaggers were getting really pissed off about people telling all these Teabagger jokes so they decided to stage a march on Washington . . . When last heard from they were 10 miles out of Seattle.
12. Teabagger’s Joke Book
13. Yet another Tea Bagger T-shirt

THE TEABAGGER by TheManticore666
Buy shirts at zazzle.com

14. Here’s a set viralized on facebook recently starting with Q: How do you drive a teabagger mad?
A: Put him in the oval office and tell him the President’s Kenyan Birth Certificate is hidden in the corner.

15.   Q: What does a teabagger have in common with a beer bottle?
A: They’re both empty from the neck up.

16. Q: How do you start a teabagger parade?
A: Roll a few cans of Skoal down the street.

17.  Q: How do you hide something from a teabagger?
A: Put it in a textbook.

18.  Q. Why wouldn’t the teabagger Dad let his twelve year old daughter smoke at the table?
A. It would set a bad example for their kids.

19. Q: What’s the difference between UFOs and at teabagger with a college degree?
A: UFOs have been spotted.

20.  Here’s one from MikeMalloy.com that follows with one one of those politico articles about the situation, make fun of them first then debate them, it worked for the Blues Brothers fighting Illinois Nazis!

A man walked into a bar and asked the bartender, “Hey, have you heard the latest Teabagger joke?” The bartender replied, coldly, “No. And I’ll have you know I’m a Teabagger .”

That’s O. K.,” said the man, “I’ll talk slow.”

21. After this wave of jokes, I know what you are thinking.  How can I get on this band wagon and quick!  No you don’t want to be a teabagger (that wagon swings a different way), you want to dress up as a teabagger for halloween!  Here’s a G rate Teabagger halloween costume.