The world is changing and sexual harassment in the workplace sometimes takes place online.  Here are 7 online sexual harassment tips to help you keep your dumb ass in a job and out of court. Now sober up and pay attention! 

1. Before starting video Skype calls check to insure you are not wearing underwear, insure no sexual devices are in the background, Yell loudly 3 times "Skype in the Hole, Skype in the Hole, Skype in the Hold" this tells anyone else in the house/office that Skype video is starting and it won’t be appropriate for them to walk naked behind you (just happened to a friend on a client call 2 days ago, true story)
2. Do not install any software on your computer that changes your image to some alternate avatar like a cute kitten, a Martian or someone with a dildo for a nose
3. Avoid wearing your ‘Balls to the Wall’ t-shirt while on a call or any t-shirt that references Balls. Balls are still taboo in corporate America despite the resurgence of skinny jeans and skinny suit pants.
4. Don’t engage in sexy chats with coworkers on Skype as all messages are saved in history, and tracked even if you clear history or think you are smart enough to cover your tracks. Those corporate security dudes are the kinkiest in the world and they love to do inappropriate things reading your messages
5. Don’t repeatedly tilt the laptop screen towards your crotch and pretend you were just adjusting something
6. Don’t start a screen sharing session if you have a sexually inappropriate background on your computer unless the image has a large red circle with a line through a’la ghost busters which would signify that such images are inappropriate for the corporate workplace, you can check with your local HR person to download some of these images to help spread the word.
7. Discussions about any politician will certainly result in inappropriate sexual conversations in the work place because politicians are always engaged in inappropriate sexual relations with just about anything that moves and in some cases things that don’t

Thanks to (Aladin Matthias Kühlthau Moslem seit 1995 Sulzbach-Rosenberg Skype: Mekkaarabia2) and ({{Information |Description=Anti-Sexual Harassment Graffiti reading: No Touching allowed: Castration Awaits You |Source=[http://www.flickr.com/photos/lilianwagdy/6012339752/ DSC_7943] |Date=2011-08-04 22:17 |Author=[http://www.flickr.com/people/60329285@N0) for images.

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  The TSA under John Pistole, who last week advanced the new 4 finger grope rule,  launched a new PR campaign this week backed by President Obama.  The new campaign is running with the phrase, “When you get Embarrassed the Terrorists Win”.  This PR campaign comes closely on the heals of the decision to broadcast ALL full body scans live on the internet or via an itunes subscription for a small fee which will help offset the cost of the war on Terror, which now costs the United States $6 trillion dollars per year.

The campaign will feature videos played on wide screen TV’s provided to President Obama as a gift after his recent trip to China.  The videos will show short montages acted about by TSA employees local to the airport where the video is played.

In these videos the TSA employees playing the part of passengers and terrorists will portray real life situations.

TSA employees as terrorists will act out scenarios where they are too scared to board a plane if it involves a full body scan that will be broad cast live on the internet.

“You mean my body in all of its naked glory will be seen by my brothers and sisters in internet cafes in Kabul?" asks a TSA Terrorist actor.

“Yes.”

“I can’t do it.  Its against my morals and religious beliefs.  It’s too embarrassing,” and the terrorists turns around and leaves the airport.

In another video a fifty something frumpy female TSA employee is asked to enter the full body scanner.  At first she balks, saying, “Its against my morals and religious beliefs to bare myself in front of anyone but my husband.”

Another TSA employee playing her daughter says, “Oh Mom, its your civic duty.  If you don’t allow a full body scan, then the terrorists win.  If every passenger stopped allowing the TSA to scan our images and transmit them live across the internet, the airline industry would loose money, our economy would grind to a halt, this requirement would be removed and terrorists could again fly our airways with liquid explosives hidden in catheters around their genitals with no one the wiser.”

Both mother and daughter are then seen posing and hamming it up in the Body Scanner as viewed on a laptop screen in an internet cafe in Kabul, where a prospective terrorist sees the video, gets scared and tears up is Al Qaida membership card.

Note.

John Pistole advanced the new 4 Plus 1 Grope rule last week, recommending that TSA employees performing body cavity searches should no longer rely on just a single finger, but should go with at least 4 and possibly a fifth for some passengers.

The 1 finger grope rule had been the standard since the days of Roberto Gonzalez.  Both John Pistole and Roberto Gonzalez had to personally demonstrate their respective guidelines before Congress before the law could be passed.

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For decades GQ has lead the search for the G Spot, a quest almost as old and tired as the search for the fountain of youth.  Therefore, it came as a complete surprise to GQ editors this week when they discovered the G Spot during a Glee cast shoot.  Glee cast members who are almost as old as GQ itself, were just as dumb founded, not that finding dumb has ever been difficult.

GQ editor Morton Grunesvald even stated, “There’s no way we could have found the G Spot, its just not possible.  Hell, I wouldn’t know a G spot if I fell in it.”  Which is apparently exactly what Morton did about 5 minutes after that statement according to publicly disclosed workman’s compensation claims filed in New York City on Monday.

Of course, the the rest of the upright and proper media was outraged by GQ’s G Spot discovery.  Anchors and Anchor’s foils from CNN, Fox, MSNBC, CNBC, ABC, CBS and even the CW were all quick to point out that GQ should get back to reporting stories about stuffy young metrosexuals parading around in designer clothes that only a designer would wear outside of Vegas.  GQ has always been just like playboy but without the semi-interesting pictures, a butch woman’s Cosmopolitan.  And now all of a sudden they decide to risk that tradition with a bunch of pictures that aren’t heavily scented with an advertisers perfume?  WTF GQ we’ve come to expect so much less from you.  Maybe, some photographer is jockeying for a new job at Maxim.  Maybe they just phoned this one in, or maybe just maybe the G Spot does exist.

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One of the funniest Shake Weight Parody videos on YouTube.

“In just 6 weeks you’ll be strong enough to jerk off a rhinoceros”

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President Obama (aka Stumpy in high school basketball ) doesn’t want to lose any Democratic Senate seats, and he’s not going to say no to ‘any’ request.  Even if that means rubbing some of his mojo off on Illinois State Treasurer Alexi Giannoulias, who is hoping to pick up Obama’s vacated senate position.

"I appreciate his strong sense of advocacy for ordinary Americans," Obama said during a fundraiser. "You can count on him."

Obama said he needs Giannoulias, and that he needs him in Washington too because, "I don’t know whether you’ve noticed, but we’ve(he and I) got a lot work to do."

So What’s the Problem with this Match Made in the Heart Land?

Well Giannoulias’s family bank has been seized by federal regulators in regards to questionable loans.  Not a good example for someone that worked as the state treasurer and wants to go to Washington in an environment where financial clean up is the staple of the day. 

Maybe Obama will just have to settle for a speech, dinner and a cold shower.

Spoof inspired by Obama Stumps for Democrat Seeking his old Senate Job

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Here’s a nice viral email making the rounds disguised as the ‘Polite Way to Pee’ on a date.

During one of her daily classes, a teacher trying to teach good manners, asked her students the following question:

“Michael, if you were on a date having dinner with a nice young lady, how would you tell her that you have to go to the bathroom?”

Michael said, “Just a minute I have to go pee.”

The teacher responded by saying, “That would be rude and impolite.

“What about you Sherman, how would you say it?”

Sherman said, “I am sorry, but I really need to go to the bathroom.  I’ll be right back.”

“That’s better, but it’s still not very nice to say the word bathroom at the dinner table.”

“And you, little Johnny, can you use your brain for once and show us your good manners?”

“I would say: ‘Darling, may I please be excused for a moment?  I have to shake hands with a very dear friend of mine, whom I hope to introduce you to after dinner.’”

The teacher fainted..

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Once a year, we must all submit to bathing our eye balls.  Those nasty orbs get relatively filthy without regular cleansing.  While it is true that water on your eye balls can infect you with demons who will make you succumb to the practices of the devil, it is also true you have to clean them regularly.

So in case you were feeling reluctant about this years eye ball scrub, we thought we’d share this nice image of David Hasselhoff wearing an 80’s style bikini.   

Enjoy your scrub!

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TEHRAN (Reuters) – President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad on Sunday told Iran’s Prophets Television (IPTV) to start broadcasting Iran’s version of Wonka Vision across Tehran.  Wonka Vision enables viewers to literally enter their television sets. 

This technology is extremely popular among Tehrans clerics and religious leaders who hope to broadcast television shows of a heavenly paradise filled with an infinite set of 72 virgins to go around, such that the masses can then proceed directly to heaven through their wide screen TV’s imported from China.

Many in Tehran have taken to the streets this week to protest that only rich Iranians will be able to afford Wonka Vision, leaving the poor on Earth to fend for themselves after all the rich leaders have gone on to a new realm.

Most G8 leaders have expressed their doubts that Iran really has achieved a working version of Wonka vision.  Press Secretary William Gibbs from the United States stated, “As much as we would love to see our friends in Iran disappear into a television set, we just don’t think they really have this technology.  They’re really just braggarts and blowhards.”

Israel has been remarkably quiet.  Rumors have been flying over the last 24 hours that top scientists in Israel are actually working to funnel Wonka Vision technology to Iran secretly through double agent scientists in Pakistan.  Israel is currently the only country in the world that has both the capability to transmit a person into and out of a television set.  All other countries have only been able to send viewers into their sets, where they remain stuck forever.

I see Oompa Loompas by GoodToGoTees
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Property of the Oompa Loompa Army by stefrosa
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This had most of the state of Michigan laughing for 2 days and a very embarrassed female news anchor who will, in the future, likely think before she speaks. What happens when you predict snow but don’t get any….a true story…We had a female news anchor who, the day after it was supposed to have snowed and didn’t, turned to the weatherman and asked:

"So Bob, where’s that 8 inches you promised me last night?"

Not only did HE have to leave the set, but half the crew did too they were laughing so hard!

In other news . . . Bobbing for tea bags to get a news job. 

Who says that journalism is dead?

That’s just stupid

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PONTE VEDRA BEACH, Fla.—Officials for the PGA publicly apologized to Tiger Woods today for thwarting sex addiction Friday, but the star golfer left unclear when or if he would return to the sport.

In his first public appearance since the November car accident that touched off the scandal, Mr. Woods defiantly denied rumors that his wife might have hit him out of anger or during their own private role playing fantasies.  He implored the media to leave his family alone.

Meanwhile, PGA officials acknowledged that they have been receiving in-patient therapy for their issues and talking with Greek Finance minister hoping to seek financial counseling advice to help them recover from the tsunami of losses racking up now that they have pushed out their primary source of income, Tiger Woods.

“We have a lot to atone for,” stated PGA Tour Commissioner Tim Finchen.

“If there is anything we can do to bring Tiger back to the sport of golf faster, we will.  Need stripper caddies, no problem.  Lap dances in golf carts, no problem.  Ménage à trois brunch events, we’re all over that.  The PGA is going to sex up our act to foster a more Tiger conducive environment where not only Tiger but any sexual deviant, pervert, whack job, flasher etc that can bring in advertisers and money like Tiger can is free to express themselves and rub one out with or without help as they like.”

Wearing a black sport coat and open collar—and often staring straight into the camera—Mr. Woods expressed his appreciation for the sentiments of the commissioner and other PGA Tour officials as they stood behind a podium at the TPC Sawgrass golf course where the PGA Tour is headquartered speaking in front of a group of some 40 people, including friends, associates his mother and a bevy of professional women that flew in from Las Vegas just for the public apology event.

“I do plan to return to golf one day,” Mr. Woods said. “I just don’t know when that day will be. I don’t rule out that it will be this year. When I return, I need to make clear that my behavior and actions performed in private will be my business and my business alone, but if I text you for help while I’m lying in a ditch after my wife has beat me over the head with a golf club while running me down in the family car, call an ambulance, please.”

Mr. Finchen concluded the tightly scripted event by saying, “Tiger, I ask you to find room in your heart to one day believe in us again.” He then hugged Tiger while giving him a hand job in front of the national press.

TIGER WOODS – golfer, Just Do Me by orlandocougarclub
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TIGER WOODS – I was in a FOURSOME with TIGER by orlandocougarclub
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TIGER WOODS, golfer, JUST DO ME by orlandocougarclub
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