Viral Sex Topics & Videos

Two young boys walked into a pharmacy one day, picked out a box of tampons and proceeded to the checkout counter.

The man at the counter asked the older boy, "Son, how old are you?"

"Eight," the boy replied.

The man continued, "do you know what these are used for?"

The boy replied, "not exactly, but they aren’t for me. They’re for him.  He’s my brother. He’s four. We saw on TV that if you use these you would be able to swim and ride a bike. Right now, he can’t do either."

Male Tampon Commercial

Sit Down and Clap for this Tampon Commercial

How Not to Size a Tampon Commercial

Insiders are reporting that Marge Simpson’s Playboy cover and pullout centerfold also features an interview of the Blue Haired bombshell.  In that interview Marge reportedly discusses her recent months at the Playboy bunny ranch and her skype phone counseling sessions with the Octomom. 

Octomom reportedly had a short term fling with former child star Bart Simpson this summer, something many close friends described as payback against her ex husband.  Marge got involved to make sure that her son was not ‘emotionally injured in the crossfire’ but later became close with Kate.

Now, in the interview in Playboy, Marge seems to be extending an olive branch to Kate to reconsider posing in the world’s most famous gentlemen’s magazine.

Separately, the Simpson camp is fighting off a bit of a scandal as pictures of Marge receiving a Brazilian wax job in preparation for her centerfold have been leaked to the internet.  Her people were quick to point out that the images were probably doctored as “Mrs. Simpson is a cartoon character and with the exception of her Blue Doo, doesn’t have much body hair to speak of…”

 Homer Simpson reportedly recently purchased a digital camera and a Mac with Photoshop.

Anyone viewing this years collection of Victoria Secret designs will rapidly jump to the conclusion that the maker of ladies lingerie, swim suits and other optional clothing items has gone completely stupid-nuts.  The CEO last year complained that the designs had gotten ‘too sexy’ and this years line up appears to fix that by making runway models look ridiculous ugly and frumpy and well like something out of a soft porn version of Alice in Wonderland.

See for yourself

“OK, like, these costumes really suck ass Victoria.”

“Anyone seen my Chiquita banana headset?”

One stupid way to hide a nice rack

Some things are worse when wrapped in a bow.

I’m Fat Bastard’s wet dream gone wrong just to piss off Austin Powers.

I wanted to be a Victoria’s Secret model when I grew up.  I was so screwed in the head.

Could only look worse if she were on roller skates

Way too much fabric for lingerie

The Edelweiss meets Thors neighborhood tramp get up

Just throw any ole nasty panties together with faux fur

“This is why Ulysses Shrugged”

“This has to be a joke right?”

Hey Victoria, Ayn Rand and Austin Powers called, they say your looking pretty ugly baby.

After billions of posters sold, the late Farrah Fawcett now will get a chance to turn the tables on a world full of jerk offs.  Now, every time someone attempts the thinkable, while gazing at Farrah’s famous swimsuit image, Farrah might just be gazing back from the great unknown. 

Don’t fool yourself into thinking that lets you off the hook for your necrophilia yearnings.  She’s gone now, just let that one go sicko…. 

South Carolina Gov. Mark Sanford, whose whereabouts had raised questions earlier this week, admitted Wednesday he had rejected Federal bail out money from the Federal Government because he did not trust himself.

“If I had that much cash under my control, I’d likely blow it on hookers and drugs in South America.” the extra transparent GOP Governor stated during a press conference today.

He recently admitted that he had also flown to Argentina to meet with a woman with whom he’s been having an affair for a year.

“I’ve been unfaithful to my wife,” an emotional Sanford said at a news conference Wednesday. “I developed a relationship with what started as a dear, dear friend from Argentina, but my real affliction is hooker’s and drugs.”

Sanford, 49, said he had spent the last five days “crying in Argentina” but that the affair was now over.

His former girl friend, returned to the states and stated, “I’m looking for a man that is not such a god damned cry baby, someone that loves NASCAR and the Republican Party and doesn’t mind spanking me when I’ve been bad.”

The governor, considered by some to be a rising star in the Republican party and a possible presidential candidate for 2012, apologized to his wife, Jenny, and his four sons.

Sanford said he had revealed the affair to his wife five months ago.

“My wife is almost as understanding as the former first lady of New Jersey.  Unlike the former New Jersey Governor, I was never able to talk my wife into a menage a trois and that ultimately proved to be my emotional undoing.”

He would not say whether he would resign as governor but said he will step down as head of the Republican Governors Association.

He said he had known the woman for about eight years and had been romantically involved with her for about a year, seeing her three times since the affair began.

“What I did was wrong. Period,” he said, “but what I could have done with a few hundred million dollars, some Columbian blow and a line up of naked hookers could have really hurt the South Carolina economy.  The People of South Carolina are a bunch of lucky bastards, lucky that their Governor has so much self control to reject the temptations of the Obama Administration and keep our unemployment rate sky rocketing while our education rates drop into the gutter where I can keep an eye on it.”

The governor had not been seen in public since June 18, and reporters began asking questions about his whereabouts.

His staff had said he had gone hiking on the Appalachian Trail, something people in social media circles have been ridiculing all day.

“RT I said I was going out for some Argentinian Tail, they thought I said Appalachian Trail”

The Governor has never hiked more than 25 feet and that was to get in line for a spanking at Hooter’s on his Birthday.

His family did not attend the news conference, but his wife issued a statement saying she asked the governor to get himself checked by a physician, leave two weeks ago and not contact the family.

The governor said he wants to reconcile with his wife, and Jenny Sanford’s statement said her husband has earned a chance to resurrect their marriage since he didn’t get caught with any pictures on the internet.

“This trial separation was agreed to with the goal of ultimately strengthening our marriage,” she said, “and giving me a chance to find a good lawyer, publicist and ghost writer for my future book”.

Sanford’s announcement came a day after another prominent Republican, Sen. John Ensign of Nevada, apologized to his GOP Senate colleagues after revealing last week that he had an affair with a campaign staffer nick-named “smurfette” due to his penchant for wearing white dresses, and dipping his butt in toilet bowl cleaner. Sen. John Ensign is resigning from the GOP leadership.

The Governor is not expected to resign his office until arrangements have been made to pardon him of the South Carolina crime of Adultery.

Inspiration: Mostly My own but a little bit from cbs

After working for a decade and a half under the Don’t Ask’; Don’t Tell Gays in the military policy established under a compromise of the Clinton Administration, Military Top Brass are trying to swallow President Obama’s transitional policy, "’Don’t Rub; Don’t Repel’ policy.

Under this new gays in the military policy, service members would be prohibited from making rubbing advances on other members of the military without prior approval.  However, if an inadvertent advance or perceived advance results in a brush, pat, or rub against a service member, the receiving service member is prevented from repelling said advance especially in a fox hole environment.

“We’re striving for an integrated culture of sexuality in the military.  Its time for us to evolve past the fear and environment of loathing that has persisted for centuries.  A time of socialization will need to be required and regulated if straight and phobic service members are to ultimately come to truly accept other members of multiple, mixed or alternative sexualities, “ stated Secretary Gates.

He went on to state that the military doesn’t want things to result in advances at every turn in the bend, but if an advance or touch happens, he wants members to accept the circumstances and adapt and later if they are uncomfortable with the resulting encounter they can request an After Action Review with their Commander (provided that their Commander is not the person that made the advance in which case service members could request a review with a chaplain, doctor or higher level Commander).

“The pendulum has been stuck so far to one side for so many years that we need to force things to the other side if we are ever going to achieve balance.  The days of compromise have not made enough progress in this case, just like the days of compromise in regards to slavery did not create an appropriate result,” said President Obama in a Memorial Day Address at Arlington Cemetary on Monday.

Opponents on the right were quick to complain that the ‘chaplain clause’ needed to be amended because Chaplains subjected to too many counseling sessions might themselves be too tempted to engage in homosexual practices (as preachers, reverends, priests etc are prone to do, especially in the military).  They called for a clause that would provide counselors of the opposite sex to be provided in an environment conducive to a proper military setting and provided a long list of such locations surrounding military bases all over the world. 

Critics claim that these establishments are nothing more than strip clubs and brothels, to which opponents on the right replied, “Damned Straight”.

That statement has also been picked up by protestors carrying signs that read, “Damned OR Straight!”

Scientists at NASA are about to realize a space dream of nerds everywhere that has been almost 60 years in the making.  Under the ‘guise’ of a Hubble Space Telescope mission, NASA has engineered a scenario where two space shuttles will unite in space for a Shuttle 69 lesbian sex scene.  The two naughty shuttles have been equipped with a robotic tongue for hot wet space action.

NASA admits that this mission could risk the lives of up to 11 astronauts.  “We have been working on conquering space since the fifties.  Now as the Obama administration is planning to mothball all of our toys, we figure this is our last chance to pull this off and rub a collective one out for mankind,” says Mission Control Commander Harry Goodhand. 

Many insiders are laughing at the ruse of the Hubble ‘Space’ telescope.  A device that claims to take pictures of deep space, when it is actually pointed at the Earth so that NASA scientists can take pictures of people on Earth in various states of undress. 

New imaging technologies deployed in the late nineties even allow NASA deviants to see right through roofs on single family homes.

The big shebang in space will enable all NASA employees to climax simultaneously and leave their mark permanently on NASA equipment before they receive their pink slips from President Obama, who intends to turn NASA over to the banking industry. 

Obama said on Friday, “Only the banking industry really knows how to achieve the impossible, making things go into outer space has been refined to an art by the banking industry that has a long history of raising consumer credit card interest rates to astronomical levels.  NASA wastes our tax money sending a few people at a time into space.  Bank of America alone sent 4 million people into orbit this spring when it raised their credit card rates from 5% to 30% and they plan on sending people to the moon as indentured servants by 2010!  That’s the type of change I promised, and the change America can believe in.”

Inspiration

Make Up: $40

Hair Stylist: $75

Body Waxing: $110

Custom Tattoo: $150

Sexy Designer Outfit: $225

Collagen Lip Enhancement: $400

Boob Job: $6,000

Forgetting To Tuck In Your Nuts…Priceless

Attractive Girls Union Refuses To Enter Into Talks With Mike Greenman

A couple of weeks ago a friend told me that someone she knew had their car broken into while they were at a football game. The break in of the car was not initially discovered.  The woman had been sitting in the stadium at the game hoping for her son to get a chance to play. 

The son was second string on special teams.  Many bystanders sitting around the woman claimed that she started acting peculiar towards the end of the 1st quarter.  She started shouting and moaning which was not unusual at a football game, but then she started using the lords name in vain and inserting both blasphemies and expletives. 

Just as a parent was making her way to notify security of the woman’s inappropriate behavior, the woman fell backwards in the stands at first shrieking and moaning and then clutching at her chest.

She was rushed to a local hospital where she was treated for a heart attack.  She was a well known distance runner in the area and had arranged many 5k and 10k events.  She had never been know to have either a heart problem nor issues with her public behavior. 

Her teenaged son rode in the ambulance to the hospital with her.  He phoned his father, her husband, by cell phone and the father met them at the hospital just a few minutes after they arrived.  The father had worked late and had just left for the game, hoping to catch the second half.

Doctors were able to revive her and kept her over night under a strong sedative. 

It wasn’t until the next morning that the father returned home with the son to clean up and get a few things from home.  Upon arriving at home they were shocked to find that their house had been ransacked and a great deal of their valuables had been stolen. 

Investigators were later able to determine many of the events that had happened the night before that led both to the burglary and the woman’s heart attack.  She had parked her Prius on the green which was adjacent to the football stadium and specially allotted to football fans. Things stolen from the car included 2 garage door remote controls, some money and a GPS which had been prominently mounted on the dashboard.

The thieves had used the GPS to guide them to the house. They then attempted to use the garage door opener to enter the garage.  However, when they pushed the first button, the door did not open, but they could hear a woman moaning through a speaker on the back of the garage door opener.  They pushed the other button on the garage door opener and the woman’s moans turned to shrieks. 

Apparently, this surprise result did not deter the thieves from their business.  They then used the other garage remote control to open the garage door and gain entry to the house. The thieves knew the owners were at the football game, they knew what time the game was scheduled to finish and so they knew how much time they had to clean out the house. They even brought a truck to empty the house of its contents.  The truck left large tire tracks near the edge of the drive way curb.

Apparently the crooks continued to press the first garage door opener over and over again during the robbery.  It was suspected and later confirmed when one of the crooks was caught and questioned, that they had pressed the remote at first out of curiosity and maybe humor thinking the device was just a type of prank device that made lude noises.  However, they eventually realized that they could also hear the cheers and loud speaker of a football game going on in the background.  They then found the flat panel HD TV in the bedroom.  They pressed play and were treated to a intimate video created by the couple, who apparently utilized remote control sexual stimulation systems with built in auditory feedback. 

Once the crooks learned this, they each took turns pressing and playing with the device while their fellow criminals finished loading up the truck.  They figured that as long as they could keep the woman ‘occupied’ she would not be able to call the authorities or her husband and learn that he had not been the one to arouse her at the game.

When they heard the woman shriek her last scream, they at first gave each other high fives, but when they heard the voices of the crowd calling for an ambulance and a doctor, they panicked and left the home abruptly.

Police were able to track down the crooks using a GPS device located in a box mixed in with the stolen loot.  The husband’s own vibrator was an even fancier model that literally enabled his wife to track his location via GPS while she was able to manipulate him sexually from a distance. 

Police used this GPS to track down the criminals and capture several of the crooks at an undisclosed warehouse.  The crooks were charged not only with burglary, grand larceny, breaking and entering but also assault and kidnapping.  Prosecutors tried to make the case that by keeping the woman under constant stimulation they had held her hostage, while they stole the families possessions.

Post Script I received this in the form of a viral email and have not yet been able to confirm its accuracy, but you can bet your sweet ass that I’m not going to be wired up the next time I go to a football game!