A lady picked up several items at a discount store. When she finally got up to the checker, she learned that one of her items had no price tag.

Imagine her embarrassment when the checker got on the intercom and boomed out for the entire store to hear, " PRICE CHECK ON LANE THIRTEEN, TAMPAX SUPER SIZE."

That was bad enough, but somebody at the rear of the store apparently misunderstood the word "Tampax" for THUMBTACKS." In a business-like tone, a voice boomed back over the intercom.

"DO YOU WANT THE KIND YOU PUSH IN WITH YOUR THUMB OR THE KIND YOU POUND IN WITH A HAMMER?"

Diane E. Amov

Scientists at NASA are about to realize a space dream of nerds everywhere that has been almost 60 years in the making.  Under the ‘guise’ of a Hubble Space Telescope mission, NASA has engineered a scenario where two space shuttles will unite in space for a Shuttle 69 lesbian sex scene.  The two naughty shuttles have been equipped with a robotic tongue for hot wet space action.

NASA admits that this mission could risk the lives of up to 11 astronauts.  “We have been working on conquering space since the fifties.  Now as the Obama administration is planning to mothball all of our toys, we figure this is our last chance to pull this off and rub a collective one out for mankind,” says Mission Control Commander Harry Goodhand. 

Many insiders are laughing at the ruse of the Hubble ‘Space’ telescope.  A device that claims to take pictures of deep space, when it is actually pointed at the Earth so that NASA scientists can take pictures of people on Earth in various states of undress. 

New imaging technologies deployed in the late nineties even allow NASA deviants to see right through roofs on single family homes.

The big shebang in space will enable all NASA employees to climax simultaneously and leave their mark permanently on NASA equipment before they receive their pink slips from President Obama, who intends to turn NASA over to the banking industry. 

Obama said on Friday, “Only the banking industry really knows how to achieve the impossible, making things go into outer space has been refined to an art by the banking industry that has a long history of raising consumer credit card interest rates to astronomical levels.  NASA wastes our tax money sending a few people at a time into space.  Bank of America alone sent 4 million people into orbit this spring when it raised their credit card rates from 5% to 30% and they plan on sending people to the moon as indentured servants by 2010!  That’s the type of change I promised, and the change America can believe in.”

Inspiration

This article has been adapted to fit your sense of humor.

HOUSTON (VGV) — Astronauts tinkled Sunday in a troublesome piece of equipment designed to help convert urine and sweat into drinkable water, which is vital to allowing the international space station crew to double up to a six pack from a three pack of Miller Lite.

Station commander Michael Fincke and space shuttle Endeavour astronaut Donald Pettit changed how an air freshener is mounted in a urine processor, which is part of the newly delivered $154 million beer and water recovery system. The air freshener is a spinning device that helps separate the beer from urine, creates enough electricity to power a blow dryer in space from the spinning of the air freshener, and helps remove the smell of both urine and beer farts from the International Space Station.

It was placed on rubber grommets to reduce vibrations, and Mission Control asked Fincke to remove them and just bolt the piece down (or up its all relative in space) so that they could get on with their televised game of floating Asshole.

"We’re very hopeful for this, and if not, we have a few other pricks we can aim at this problem," Fincke said from the space station after the task was finished.

The astronauts have been trying to get the system running for four days, but the urine processor has worked for just two hours at a time before shutting down. A normal run is about four hours.  This has proven to be very problematic for astronauts trying to get a good buzz going, only to have to stop drinking or hold it for 2 hours when they are already 4 beers in to the game.  If they hold it in the weightless environment of space, they risk not only bladder rupture, but the increased pressure triggers more beer farts.  The air handling units on the ISS is not equipped to keep pace with beer farts at a level produced by a six pack of beer, hence the need for the air freshener.

An initial test after the repair ran for 3 1/2 hours and processed about a case and a half of beer before shutting down Sunday night. Engineers again were trying to figure out a fix.

"It looks like we made things better, but we’re maybe not there yet," Fincke hick-upped to Mission Control.

As a last resort, Endeavour could bring the problematic part back to Earth for repairs when the shuttle departs on Thanksgiving. That option could complicate plans to add crew members to the station since several converted beer-to-water samples need to be brought back for tests before astronauts can drink from the contraption.

Samples will be brought back on Endeavour and in February on space shuttle Discovery.

The water recovery system, delivered a week ago by Endeavour, is essential for allowing six astronauts to live on the space station by the middle of next year.  It will enable astronauts to not only convert beer into water in space, but they will then be able to brew that same water back into beer again, creating a continuously malting process.

"Without being able to recycle urine, that does take down some of our capability," Fincke said. "It’s not necessarily a show-stopper but it’s something that we definitely need to address.  The Egyptians were able to build the pyramids with the benefit of beer.  When the Romans lost this technology and switched to wine, the world entered into a 500 year dark ages period."

Engineers were studying whether six people could still live at the station with the urine processor working two hours at a time, said flight director Courtenay McMillan.

"We don’t know if it’s a good idea to start and stop drinking multiple times," McMillan said. "We may suffer from a ridiculously high series of headaches and hangover until we really understand what’s going on."

Flight controllers had hoped the water samples would have a mixture of 50 percent from condensation and 30 percent from urine and 20 percent sloppy belches. Given the problems with the processor, that ratio stands at 80 percent condensation, 5 percent urine, and 15 percent sloppy belches.

Mission managers have decided not to extend Endeavour’s trip by an extra day since the astronauts have enough water samples.

While Fincke worked on the processor, Endeavour’s seven astronauts had part of the day off Sunday, except Pettit who gave up some of his off-duty to drink more beer and spend more time ‘working’ on the water recycler.

Astronauts Stephen Bowen and Robert "Shane" Kimbrough prepared for the fourth and final spacewalk of the two-week mission. The spacewalkers will finish cleaning and lubing a jammed joint, which allows the station’s solar wing to rotate in the direction of the sun. They also will lubricate a twin solar-wing joint, which is running without any problems. Before undertaking a space walk astronauts must first test out of a safety inspection designed to check their ability to dress themselves, not piss themselves, and stop themselves from opening their visor so that they can touch their nose when ordered.  These procedures are designed to ensure that astronauts can be safe in space, but also designed to insure that they have enough brains, drunk or sober not to go losing stuff in outer space as well.

After watching some Adult Swim videos on Youtube, I came across this Star Wars classic. My favorite part of this video is at about 1:50 when the Emperor goes off on Vader about rebuilding the Death Star. Great video, another Seth MacFarlane classic!