PONTE VEDRA BEACH, Fla.—Officials for the PGA publicly apologized to Tiger Woods today for thwarting sex addiction Friday, but the star golfer left unclear when or if he would return to the sport.

In his first public appearance since the November car accident that touched off the scandal, Mr. Woods defiantly denied rumors that his wife might have hit him out of anger or during their own private role playing fantasies.  He implored the media to leave his family alone.

Meanwhile, PGA officials acknowledged that they have been receiving in-patient therapy for their issues and talking with Greek Finance minister hoping to seek financial counseling advice to help them recover from the tsunami of losses racking up now that they have pushed out their primary source of income, Tiger Woods.

"We have a lot to atone for," stated PGA Tour Commissioner Tim Finchen. 

“If there is anything we can do to bring Tiger back to the sport of golf faster, we will.  Need stripper caddies, no problem.  Lap dances in golf carts, no problem.  Ménage à trois brunch events, we’re all over that.  The PGA is going to sex up our act to foster a more Tiger conducive environment where not only Tiger but any sexual deviant, pervert, whack job, flasher etc that can bring in advertisers and money like Tiger can is free to express themselves and rub one out with or without help as they like.”

Wearing a black sport coat and open collar—and often staring straight into the camera—Mr. Woods expressed his appreciation for the sentiments of the commissioner and other PGA Tour officials as they stood behind a podium at the TPC Sawgrass golf course where the PGA Tour is headquartered speaking in front of a group of some 40 people, including friends, associates his mother and a bevy of professional women that flew in from Las Vegas just for the public apology event.

"I do plan to return to golf one day," Mr. Woods said. "I just don’t know when that day will be. I don’t rule out that it will be this year. When I return, I need to make clear that my behavior and actions performed in private will be my business and my business alone, but if I text you for help while I’m lying in a ditch after my wife has beat me over the head with a golf club while running me down in the family car, call an ambulance, please."

Mr. Finchen concluded the tightly scripted event by saying, "Tiger, I ask you to find room in your heart to one day believe in us again." He then hugged Tiger while giving him a hand job in front of the national press.

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Quick spoiler, he makes a splat

The Preparation for the jump

Oops wrong headline for this jump. 

ViralGrapeVine was the first organization to break the news to Obama supporters and lovers across the country and across the world.

Barack Obama is Out of the Race! 

He’s out of the Democratic Primary and he is out of the race for the 2008 Presidential election.  Barack Obama was found to be unqualified to be President of the United States after a public demonstration in Altoona, Pennsylvania.  Barack Obama showed up to what he thought would be a casual working class campaign stop. 

He bowled 10 frames with a staffer and racked up the amazingly low score of 37.  That’s right, he rolled the ball 20 times at 10 pins and only hit 37 pins (hard enough to knock them down).  The candidate was plagued by gutter balls and velcro shoes.

Little did Obama know that this was actually a test of the Bavarian sect of the Illuminati.  The Bavarian Illuminati have run the United States after substituting George Washington with a look alike actually named Adama Weishaupt (Vise Hopt’d) shortly after the American Revolution.

Since then the Illuminati have used their satanic ritual of testing potential Presidential candidates with seeming simple and innocent games such as nine pins, horse shoes, bowling and even tick tack toe.

The game used to test Abraham Lincoln in 1859 when he played against a chicken a match that many Illuminati insiders claimed as a rigged and unfair contest.  In 1859 it was almost impossible for a person to actually win a game of tic tac toe against a chicken.

In the modern age people today have a much better chance at besting chickens today after generations of Tyson led fowl genocide.

Barack Obama went up against the Illuminati this weekend and lost.  Many politicos have understood for some time that Obama was a member of the Ancients of Mu a Pacific Rim secret society that has fought distantly against the Illuminati, whom originated in Atlantis and later migrated to Greece, took over the Ottoman empire, then migrated through the Austro-Hungarian Empire and back across the Atlantic to the United States through their Bavarian sect.

Many people feel that the Illuminati are preparing for another transition out of the United States and back to the Middle East either to settle in Iraq, Pakistan, or Afghanistan so that they can prepare an offensive against the seat of the Ancients of Mu in Beijing.

All of that maneuvering seems to have gone against Barack Obama who was prepared to sweep the 2008 election until he was undone by a poison pill planted by the Illuminati grand wizard Harry Truman back in 1947.  Truman realized in 1947 that managing the US Nuclear arsenal could never fall into the hands of anyone belong to the Ancients of Mu and setup a secret program to test potential candidates by subjecting them to a bowling test. 

Since then many people have unknowingly taken this test in bowling allies across the United States.  Presidential material was typically identified early in life and tracked very closely, but Obama grew up in Indonesia and later Hawaii and fell off the radar of the Illuminati.

It wasn’t until this last weekend that an Illuminati spy working deep inside the Obama campaign, organized the stop engineered to test Obama and remove him ultimately from the campaign and contest for the Presidency.

That Illuminati plot has succeeded and the Ancients of Mu have to venture back to the drawing board.