Viral Grape Vine

Alternatively, you could try and buy some plastic bottles of beer to teach her with. Just don’t take it too far. Before you know it, she’ll be doing jello shots off your belly and we all know what urban legend involving peanut butter that can encourage.

I’d hate to read about you for the next 10 years in a viral email….

Then again if you look like this chick, it might be bad for my hear 10 years from now, pushing up the bpm on my heart with racy viral images like this.
Mobile post sent by brettbum using Utterz.  Replies.

In one episode of ‘Cheers’, Cliff is seated at the bar describing the Buffalo Theory to his buddy, Norm. I don’t think I’ve ever heard the concept explained any better than this .

‘Well you see, Norm, it’s like this . . . A herd of buffalo can only move as fast as the slowest buffalo. And when the herd is hunted, it is the slowest and weakest ones at the back that are killed first. This natural selection is good for the herd as a whole, because the general speed and health of the whole group keeps improving by the regular killing of the weakest members. In much the same way, the human brain can only operate as fast as the slowest brain cells. Now, as we know, excessive intake of alcohol kills brain cells. But naturally, it attacks the slowest and weakest brain cells first. In this way, regular consumption of beer eliminates the weaker brain cells, making the brain a faster and more efficient machine.

And that, Norm, is why you always feel smarter after a few beers.

ViralGrapeVine was the first organization to break the news to Obama supporters and lovers across the country and across the world.

Barack Obama is Out of the Race! 

He’s out of the Democratic Primary and he is out of the race for the 2008 Presidential election.  Barack Obama was found to be unqualified to be President of the United States after a public demonstration in Altoona, Pennsylvania.  Barack Obama showed up to what he thought would be a casual working class campaign stop. 

He bowled 10 frames with a staffer and racked up the amazingly low score of 37.  That’s right, he rolled the ball 20 times at 10 pins and only hit 37 pins (hard enough to knock them down).  The candidate was plagued by gutter balls and velcro shoes.

Little did Obama know that this was actually a test of the Bavarian sect of the Illuminati.  The Bavarian Illuminati have run the United States after substituting George Washington with a look alike actually named Adama Weishaupt (Vise Hopt’d) shortly after the American Revolution.

Since then the Illuminati have used their satanic ritual of testing potential Presidential candidates with seeming simple and innocent games such as nine pins, horse shoes, bowling and even tick tack toe.

The game used to test Abraham Lincoln in 1859 when he played against a chicken a match that many Illuminati insiders claimed as a rigged and unfair contest.  In 1859 it was almost impossible for a person to actually win a game of tic tac toe against a chicken.

In the modern age people today have a much better chance at besting chickens today after generations of Tyson led fowl genocide.

Barack Obama went up against the Illuminati this weekend and lost.  Many politicos have understood for some time that Obama was a member of the Ancients of Mu a Pacific Rim secret society that has fought distantly against the Illuminati, whom originated in Atlantis and later migrated to Greece, took over the Ottoman empire, then migrated through the Austro-Hungarian Empire and back across the Atlantic to the United States through their Bavarian sect.

Many people feel that the Illuminati are preparing for another transition out of the United States and back to the Middle East either to settle in Iraq, Pakistan, or Afghanistan so that they can prepare an offensive against the seat of the Ancients of Mu in Beijing.

All of that maneuvering seems to have gone against Barack Obama who was prepared to sweep the 2008 election until he was undone by a poison pill planted by the Illuminati grand wizard Harry Truman back in 1947.  Truman realized in 1947 that managing the US Nuclear arsenal could never fall into the hands of anyone belong to the Ancients of Mu and setup a secret program to test potential candidates by subjecting them to a bowling test. 

Since then many people have unknowingly taken this test in bowling allies across the United States.  Presidential material was typically identified early in life and tracked very closely, but Obama grew up in Indonesia and later Hawaii and fell off the radar of the Illuminati.

It wasn’t until this last weekend that an Illuminati spy working deep inside the Obama campaign, organized the stop engineered to test Obama and remove him ultimately from the campaign and contest for the Presidency.

That Illuminati plot has succeeded and the Ancients of Mu have to venture back to the drawing board.

Here’s a nice little Viral Email joke with no curse words

I promise its still funny or else I will guarantee you a $1 - our normal policy.  Just send me $5 and a self addressed stamped envelope and I will send you a dollar for our guarantee.

The Smiths were unable to conceive children and decided to use a surrogate father to start their family. On the day the proxy father was to arrive, Mr. Smith kissed his wife goodbye and said, ‘Well, I’m off now. The man should be here soon.’

Half an hour later, just by chance, a door-to-door baby photographer happened to ring the doorbell, hoping to make a sale. ‘Good morning, Ma’am’, he said, ‘I’ve come to…’
‘Oh, no need to explain,’ Mrs. Smith cut in, embarrassed, ‘I’ve been expecting you.’

‘Have you really?’ said the photographer. ‘Well, that’s good. Did you know babies are my specialty?’

‘Well that’s what my husband and I had hoped. Please come in and have a seat’.

After a moment she asked, blushing, ‘Well, where do we start?’

‘Leave everything to me. I usually try two in the bathtub, one on the couch, and perhaps a couple on the bed. And sometimes the living room floor is fun. You can really spread out there.’

‘Bathtub, living room floor? No wonder it didn’t work out for Harry and me!’

‘Well, Ma’am, none of us can guarantee a good one every time. But if we try several different positions and I shoot from six or seven angles, I’m sure you’ll be pleased with the results.’

‘My, that’s a lot!’, gasped Mrs. Smith.

‘Ma’am, in my line of work a man has to take his time. I’d love to be In and out in five minutes, but I’m sure you’d be disappointed with that.’

‘Don’t I know it,’ said Mrs. Smith quietly.

The photographer opened his briefcase and pulled out a portfolio of his baby pictures. ‘This was done on the top of a bus,’ he said.

‘Oh, my God!’ Mrs. Smith exclaimed, grasping at her throat.

‘And these twins turned out exceptionally well - when you consider their mother was so difficult to work with.’

‘She was difficult?’ asked Mrs. Smith.

‘Yes, I’m afraid so. I finally had to take her to the park to get the job done right. People were crowding around four and five deep to get a good look’

‘Four and five deep?’ said Mrs. Smith, her eyes wide with amazement.

‘Yes’, the photographer replied. ‘And for more than three hours, too. The mother was constantly squealing and yelling - I could hardly concentrate, and when darkness approached I had to rush my shots. Finally, when the squirrels began nibbling on my equipment, I just had to pack it all in.’

Mrs. Smith leaned forward. ‘Do you mean they actually chewed on your, uh…equipment?’

‘It’s true, Ma’am, yes.. Well, if you’re ready, I’ll set-up my tripod and we can get to work right away.’

‘Tripod?’

‘Oh yes, Ma’am. I need to use a tripod to rest my Canon on. It’s much too big to be held in the hand very long.’

Mrs. Smith fainted

Unanswered Questions

If you are very astute you may have noticed several unanswered questions that I did not mention in our article on How Taxes Really work for the sake of brevity.  If by chance you do not like these questions or the answers to these questions then do something to fix the system that is creating them or send me $100 and I will write an alternate version for you within the next 10 years.

1. Why didn’t the bar just give the tenth man $ 1 instead of taking $9 and paying $10?
1. The tenth man needed a receipt for the governments $10 paid to the bar, and the bar needed to launder $9 in drug and prostitution money they brought in under the table.
2. What happened to the United States?
1. The United States was seized by France that holds control over the country in the name of the Chinese that are moving here by the boat load.  France was chosen to appease them as they still have nuclear weapons and they were seen as the lesser of two evils by the Chinese as compared to Russia.
3. What Happened to the President of the United States?
1. He fled the country, sought sanctuary in Saudi Arabia where he converted to Islam.  His wife and daughters fled with him and they have not been seen since.  It is assumed that they are simply veiled now, but many people suspect that his wife was stoned to death and that his daughters were sold into bondage to a Bin Laden family member related to Osama.
4. There are several company names mentioned in this article, do they refer to actual companies or actual events?
1. These refer to actual events but do not refer to actual companies.  Any similarity of names in this account and real company names are solely the result of chance and possibly a faulty spell check system.  Any possible real companies with similar names would likely be far more greedy.
5. After the tenth man didn’t have to pay for beer, how did you come up with the percentages?
1. At $18, $12, $7, $3, and $1 the remaining paying people were paying a total of $41 dollars.  I then determined what percentage of $41 each was paying.  That broke down as  57%, 38%, 22%, 10% and 3%.  So I was then easily able to multiply these percentages by the new total of $130.
6. Did the bar have to shut down after they lost all of their customers and their aluminum kegs?
1. No, because they made their real money in prostitution and drugs, which increased as more people got into financial trouble and as more people needed to make money.  The bar actually expanded and eventually took over an old Wal-mart (the non super type) where people could go to buy their drugs and spend 5 minutes with a prostitute.  Ironically by that time most of the prostitutes were former wives of their customers.  The bar was also by now owned by the Chinese, who had essentially learned how to prostitute American Wives to their American husbands and take their money for the privilege.
7. Is the ViralGrapeVine Guarantee for Real?  How about the Tooth Fairy?
1. No, I we do not want your money and we definitely do not want your self addressed stamped envelopes that’s why we did not provide an address.  If you send us money, we’ll charge you a $5 fee for wasting our time, and then we will do our best to write up something witty to make the rest of our readers laugh.
2. The Tooth Fairy is definitely real, She’s also very hot in bed!  I’ve got pictures, if you want to see them send me $5 along with a self addressed stamped envelope.  The lighting is a little dark, but you can make out enough to know whether I’m pulling your leg or not.

There is a bogus viral email that you may notice floating through your email from time to time called “How Tax Cuts Work” by David R. Kamerschen, Professor.  First, no one knows who really wrote this article or joke (below) Professor Kamerschen refutes the fact that he is the author.  It was in fact originally circulated in 2001 or 2002 under the name of T. Davies.

The article is written in a way to make a political point about taxes.  It hopes to present a truism with a simple analogy.  In the simplicity of the analogy the truth is supposed to be revealed that it takes someone with money to pay for things and make expensive things affordable for the poor.  (like Cake) 

Below is the original story and below that is the way that tax systems would really work with this type of an analogy in a full political and economic system.  The full system analogy is neither simple nor altruistic.

Now, this is a long bit of an article to read, but I promise you that it is interesting. 

The ViralGrapeVine Guarantee

If you do not find it interesting, send me $5 for postage and handling along with a self addressed and stamped envelope and I will send you a dollar!  You will then have $1 and an interesting story to tell about how you earned that dollar.

“How Tax Cuts Work” - the original viral email

Let’s put tax cuts in terms everyone can understand.

Suppose that every night, ten men go to their favorite bar for beer. The tab for all ten
comes to $100 for ten pitchers. If they paid their bill the way we pay our taxes, it would go something like
this:

• The first four men (the poorest) would pay nothing.
• The fifth would pay $1.
• The sixth would pay $3.
• The seventh $7.
• The eighth $12.
• The ninth $18.
• The tenth man (the richest) would pay $59.

So, that’s what they decided to do. The ten men drank in the bar every night and seemed quite happy with the
arrangement, until one day, the owner threw them a curve.

“Since you are all such good customers,” he said, “I’m going to reduce the cost of your nightly tab by $20.”

So, now drinks for the ten only cost $80. The group still wanted to pay their tab the way we pay our taxes.  So, the first four men were unaffected. They would still drink for free.

But what about the other six, the paying customers?

How could they divvy up the $20 windfall so that everyone would get his ‘fair share’?

The six men realized that $20 divided by six is $3.33. But if they subtracted that from everybody’s share, then the fifth man and the sixth man would each end up being ‘PAID‘ to drink beer!

So, the bar owner suggested that it would be fair to reduce each man’s bill by roughly the same amount, and he proceeded to work out the amounts each should pay.

And so:

• The fifth man, like the first four, now paid nothing (100% savings).
• The sixth now paid $2 instead of $3 (33% savings).
• The seventh now paid $5 instead of $7 (28% savings).
• The eighth now paid $9 instead of $12 (25% savings).
• The ninth now paid $14 instead of $18 (22% savings).
• The tenth now paid $49 instead of $59 (16% savings).

Each of the six was better off than before. And the first four continued to drink for free. But once drunk and outside the bar, the men began to compare their savings.

“I only got a dollar out of the $20,” declared the sixth man. He pointed to the tenth man “but he got $10!”

“Yeah, that’s right,” exclaimed the fifth man. “I only saved a dollar, too. It’s unfair that he got ten times more than me!”

“That’s true!!” shouted the seventh man. “Why should he get $10 back when I got only $2? The wealthy get all the breaks!”

“Wait a minute,” yelled the first four men in unison. “We didn’t get anything at all. The system exploits the poor!”

The nine men surrounded the tenth and beat him up.

The next night the tenth man didn’t show up at the bar, so the nine sat down and drank without him. But when it came time to pay the tab, they discovered something important. They didn’t have enough money  between all of them for
even half of the tab!

And that, boys and girls, journalists and college professors, is how our tax system works. The people who pay the highest taxes get the most benefit from a tax reduction. Tax them too much, attack them for being wealthy, and they just may not show up to pick up the tab anymore.

David R. Kamerschen, Ph.D.
Distinguished Professor of Economics
536 Brooks Hall
University of Georgia

OK, so in that example you are treated like ‘boys and girls’ and offered up a simple analogy that any beer drinker could relate to and it is asserted by someone that would appear to know what they are talking about.

Its all bogus, including the lesson,

How Taxes Really Work

To start with . . . .

In the US and throughout most of the rest of the world, the tenth man would have paid off a politician for $10 to get a beer subsidy of $30 per night(to create jobs for the bartender). Of this $30, $10 of course would have covered the lobbying expense, $10 would go in his own pocket, $1 would go to the bartender to keep his mouth shut, and $9 would go to the bar.

The Bar would give him a kickback of $10 each night for bringing in his 9 buddies to make them into alcoholics, repeat customers for life.

The Bar would then raise their prices to $130 citing inflation and higher taxes.

The tenth richest man would then secure his finances in a Dutch Holding Company managed by a trust in Ireland which invests in Chase and Bank of America. He would then explain to his buddies that he is as poor as the rest of them and can’t afford to pay himself as he cries into his beer that night citing his latest financial report which shows him to be broke on paper so that he doesn’t have to pay taxes in the United States ever again.

Citing his former generosity, the other nine men would agree that the tenth man can now pay nothing like the 4 poorest.

The others would then be faced with an adjusted amount of

• The fifth would pay $3.
• The sixth would pay $10.
• The seventh would pay $22.
• The eighth would pay $38.
• The ninth would pay $57.

Now the group would recognize that this is not fair and so would lobby the Government for an Earned Drinking Credit for the Poorest men. The government would oblige and give the four poorest men $2 each, but they would tax the 5th - 9th men $2 each as well.

• 4 men receive a total of $8 and 5 men pay $10.

The adjusted amounts would then look like this for all 10

• First Receives $2 pays $2 | Net 0
• Second Receives $2 pays $2 | Net 0
• Third Receives $2 pays $2 | Net 0
• Fourth Receives $2 pays $2 | Net 0
• Fifth Pay $1 to bar pays $2 to tax | net paid $3
• Sixth Pay $8 to bar; pays $2 to tax | net paid $10
• Seventh Pay $20 to bar; pays $2 to tax | net paid $22
• Eighth Pay $36 to bar pays $2 to tax | net paid $38
• Ninth Pay $55 to bar; pays $2 to tax | net paid $57
• Tenth Man:  Tax Credit Received: $30 ;
  Pays $10 to politician;
  $1 to bartender;
  Receives $10 from Bar
  Net RECEIVED $29 per night and free beer

Of course this can not go on forever as the sixth, seventh, eighth and ninth men can’t afford to pay those rates forever. So they start paying with their credit cards held by Bank of America and Chase.

The tenth man would start demanding a higher Return on Investment from his investment managers, who would be hearing similar requests from all of their other investors. They would then expand their holdings into mortgaged back securities where a good deal more profit could be made.

Meanwhile the Fifth through ninth men are racking up debt on their credit cards from drinking every night, their health care costs are increasing as their liver fails, and they are also spending more on gasoline as they drink and drive as they can no longer afford to cab it.

Ultimately, they end up refinancing their credit cards into their house where they have equity. The mortgage broker promises them a 4.9% interest rate on the refinance which sounds good as their credit card interest rate is up to 21%. The broker promises them that they will not have to verify their income, provide W2’s nor copies of their tax paper work.

Their mortgage broker doesn’t tell them, but lies about the value of their house in order to refinance their credit and help them avoid paying private mortgage insurance. At their current income levels, and without verifying their income, their mortgage would be classified as Sub Prime and the interest rate would be 10.9%

The mortgage officer lies about their income levels as well to boost the internal credit scoring mechanism and get them financed, not at 4.9% but 5.9%, which is better than 10.9% and happens to pay the mortgage broker a higher commission than a loan at 4.9% that is not sub prime.

The mortgage broker also promises them a payment of $900 per month, but fails to mention the balloon payment of $50,000 in the 5th year and doesn’t mention the adjustable rates in year 3.

The men separately show up with a hangover and sun glasses on the date of their close for their new mortgages. They trust their broker and do not read the paperwork in detail flipping and signing almost as fast as they could raise a beer bottle to their lips.

The loan closes, the mortgage broker gets a fat commission, the bank securitizes the mortgages by selling them to an Irish Hedge Fund and pockets collectively a billion dollars in profits that year.

The hedge fund holds the investment for a year, shows a 35% gain on paper and starts selling shares to retirement funds and 401ks in the US that the Sixth through 9th men just happen to have the rest of their life savings sitting in.

The tenth man sees the writing on the wall, literally magic marker on a stall in the restroom of the bar.

“The end is Nigh”

He pulls his money out of the Irish Hedge fund invested in real estate and invests in Gold at $600 a troy ounce.

Meanwhile, he lobbies congress to tighten bankruptcy laws for credit cards which he still has a sizable investment in. Congress tightens bankruptcy laws and makes it impossible to absolve credit card debt, forcing people into chapter 13 where they must pay off the debt within 3 years or go to debtors prison where they can work it off in 7 years.

Gas prices are still going up so the President ignores a minor terrorist threat, allows the terrorists to blow up a major building and then goes to war with the terrorists home country where there is no oil, and simultaneously with a country that sits on 10% of the worlds oil reserves that has a decimated military infrastructure.

Oil prices shoot through the roof with Gold following close behind. The President whose family comes from oil barons make a fortune and become famous at their skull and bones country club outside of Yale.

Meanwhile our famous 10 guys, start paying even more money at the pump. The first 4 guys end up taking second jobs working at Wal-Mart and have to give up drinking at the bar so that they can try and beat their teenage kids out of a promotion.

The fifth and sixth guys get foreclosed upon. They were forced to stop paying their mortgage payments so that they could pay their mandatory credit card payments as required by the new bankruptcy law.

The seventh, eighth and ninth men all previously traded up their homes for McMansions that they can not afford with interest only payments of $2300 a month. When foreclosures start happening their plans on flipping their McMansions and cashing in on the equity slips through their fingers.

To make matters worse seven and eight get laid off from the companies they work for when their jobs get outsourced to China. The ninth man keeps his job at a law firm, but fails to notice that his 401k fund is slipping and has lost 10% in the last year. Things are looking up as his law firm seems on the edge of landing a big contract with Merrill Lynch.

Then the real estate crash and sub prime mortgage scandal erupt. Banks start dropping like flies to be saved not by the cash strapped government that can barely afford the war for oil any longer, but by China. Oil and Gold soar, Gold hits $900 a troy ounce and Oil hits $130 a barrel (about the same amount for 10 rounds of beer prior to the crash). Beer prices hold steady for the first few months, but then start to edge up as gas prices for delivery creep into the bar owners expenses.

Then the first four men one night remember their favorite bar. They sneak around back around 4:30 am and steal 50 empty kegs that just happen to be made of pure aluminum. Those kegs are now worth about half the value of a keg that is full in scrap metal prices or about $80.

They are not stupid and don’t want to get caught turning the kegs in at the dump where the police are already looking for keg thieves. So they head out to the closed down manufacturing plant where they used to work. They start a big fire, and melt down the aluminum into big messy aluminum splashes on the cement.

They turn in the aluminum for cash and get caught up on their back alimony and child support before heading back to work at Wal-mart where they now work for their teen age kids that beat them out for that promotion earlier in the month because their job skills weren’t as good as recent high school graduates.  They then begin dreaming of new ways to find aluminum alimony allowances.

Meanwhile, the banks and mortgage companies lobby congress spending about $10,000 a head in an election year to bail out the economy. Congress provides the major banks with government backed loans to refinance the bad sub prime loans so that the government can personally guarantee those bad loans. They also put $100 billion of actual cash into the hands of Americans hoping to stimulate the economy.

Americans however, are all in debt up to their eye balls and use the extra $1200 they receive to make 2-3 credit card payments. They take the $300 for each kid and buy groceries for the month and then they start worrying about next month.

The banks get away free as they have Chinese financing now and no bad loans as they have refinanced them over to the US Government. The US government had to print more money to pay for all of these actions and so Gold goes up to $1500 a troy ounce.

The tenth man is now worth Billions and moves to Costa Rica to retire taking the new trophy wife that used to be the bartenders girl friend with him.

The first four men end up going to county prison for 3 months for stealing aluminum dog crap receptacles after running out of kegs to steal.

The fifth and sixth men end up living in an apartment and then homeless after they lose their jobs at Wal-Mart.

The seventh and eighth men whom we previously left hanging in our story after they lost their jobs and ability to pay for their homes, end up losing their homes, and their kids. They and their spouses are each convicted of mortgage fraud by the FBI in a major sting operation after it is revealed that they lied on their mortgage applications. Their mortgage brokers who actually did the paper work cop a plea agreement in exchange for immunity with the Feds and rat out each of their unsuspecting customers.

The ninth man ends up losing his entire retirement fund which took a big hit as the dollar rapidly plummeted into free fall. He ends up refinancing his own house under a government backed loan for $650,000. Unfortunately, a tornado comes through that winter in a freak coincidence and levels the home. FEMA promises to provide assistance but never shows up and the ninth man freezes to death attempting to salvage the shreds of his belongings. His home insurance policy refuses to pay as they claim that his house was over valued and then they prove it with comparables studies from his own mortgage brokers database.

The tenth man ends up dumping his new bride a year later, moving back to the states a year after that when the US appears to have hit rock bottom and he leads up a Chinese real estate investment initiative in the states. He makes another $10 billion in ten years, but is then executed in Beijing for espionage.

Meanwhile, the bar tender goes on to win American Idol and sleep with Paula Abdul. They are now blissfully happy, doped up on anti-psychotics, and the biggest two idiots the world has ever seen.

Hillary Clinton is not only on the ballots to be the Presidential candidates of Democrats, but she is also running her working girl campaign to win last minute votes by winning an award this weekend at the Adult Video Awards in Las Vegas.

She is nominated this year for work that she did not actually do as industry rumors persist that either a body double was used in her sex scene featuring a man that looks eerily similar to Vince Foster and a youngish looking John Edwards in a three some. 

Despite not actually being in the movie, Hillary’s head is in the movie either from a double or somehow the porn industry has worked their movie magic yet again.

Hillary is election hungry.  She hasn’t had any in years since Bill turned her out years before winning the Presidency himself.  So sources close to the AVN world are indicating that Hillary will be there, possibly in disguise (wearing a gimp mask), a tactic that she often uses on the campaign trail when she wants to see the real world without being bogged down with questions or interviews.  Hillary Clinton also uses this tactic when she just wants to get a good spanking.

“It helps me shed a tear and find my voice . . . .”

This is not Hillary’s first nomination for the AVN awards.  Eager to prove that she had a mouth as powerful as Monica Lewinski, Hillary is widely reputed to have appeared as a walk in roll on the low budget film Mouth’s Gone Wild.  Mouth’s Gone Wild is a video featuring women that are typically very drunk.  They are rapidly and easily convinced to let their mouth’s go wild on camera.

One thing is for sure, Hillary would do anything for your vote! 

She’ll take any press, any award, and any momentum she can get.  Wouldn’t surprise me to see her name show up on specialty bumper stickers designed to fit on your card for auto insurance, so if you get pulled over for a ticket, she’ll have a chance to convince the police officer writing you a fat ticket to vote for Hillary!

The AssClowns at Webster’s Dictionary have once again REJECTED the inclusion of AssHat into their dictionary that contains and ass full of words. 

Origins of AssHat

The word AssHat traces its origins back to the movie City Slickers produced in 1991.

[Ed Furillo accuses Mitch Robbins of flirting with Bonnie Rayburn]

Mitch Robbins: That was “Have a pleasant and restful evening.”

Ed Furillo: No, that was “I like your ass. Can I wear it as a hat?”

Hence, asshat…

A lobby of Fark enthusiast’s has actively lobbied the Webster’s AssClowns since shortly after the etymology was reported there in 2002.  The word AssHat has been defined by the Urban Dictionary for some time as those smart asses never miss a beat. 

Definition of AssHat

Second Most Popular (Butt the most accurate definition of AssHat)

A general term for someone who carries out actions with such stupidity that they might as well wear their ass as a hat.

Pete begins looking for his sunglasses, unknowing to the fact that they are on his head. He asks Ed where his glasses are. Ed takes them off his head saying, “You are such a fucking ass-hat.”

  ~Urban Dictionary

Recto-Cranial Inversion Tangentially Relates to AssHat

Unfortunately, the Webster’s AssClowns suffer from Recto-Cranial Inversion Syndrome (R-CIS), which is not to be confused with RectAL-Cranial Inversion Syndrome and coincidentally is often an alternate definition of the word AssHat.

1. Recto-Cranial Inversion Syndrome is the condition of having your head up your ass.
2. Rectal-Cranial Inversion Syndrome is the condition of having your head stuck in your ass.

The first condition inflicts side effects that include the impairment of being able to see or understand anything because of the obvious (your head is up in your ass).    This condition can be corrected by wearing the appropriate posture correction, orthotic bustiers.

The second condition inflicts the side effects that people can barely tell your head from your ass as the head and the ass appear to be fused together.  This condition is very typical of people characterized as tight asses or buttheads. 

This is also not the same thing as getting your head stuck in someone else’s ass.

Petition to Include AssHat in Webster’s Dictionary Starts with Pooh

So it would appear the Referendum to Include AssHats in the dictionary will have to wipe their asshat slate clean and start over again working to get the Websters Assholes off their asses and get this joyous word included properly in the English lexicon.  We would like to encourage this effort and call upon our readers to please consider signing the petition to sponsor the inclusion of the word ‘AssHat’. 

To submit your petition, simply sign your name, address, and phone number on the next wad of toilet paper that you insert into your toilet and eventually Websters will get the message by the assload.

Other AssHat Links

1. How to Feed Your Trowser Snake to Boost Its Growth (Note if I had to put food in my trowser snake, I’d probably scream or cut it off)
2. Women would perform your every wish if you were well-hung (That’s Bullshit.  I can attest that is bullshit. So for any of you that wish you were well hung, its bull shit and doesn’t help.  Although they might make a cast of your action and then license its reproduction by the sex toy industry)
3. We come to the rescue of your male pride (Thank God, my male pride needs to be rescued.  Those stupid male lions just won’t hunt for themselves and they are starving to death)
4. Increase your fertility with WonderCum! (Ah Hell, that’s just what I need, increased fertility.  I’ve got 3 kids already and I planned to stop at 2!)
5. I’m So Stupid; They even Call Me A Dummy! (Sorry for your Luck Pal)
6. Baby Horse Toilet Typewriter Leather Jacket Shop Airport (Now this schmuck isn’t the only one hoping to benefit from this crazy keyword combination)
7. Obtain a male package that all your buds would envy!  (My Buds aren’t the envious types.  Besides if I could obtain such a package, then so could they and they wouldn’t be envious any longer)
8. Elongate your Short Sword to fit her Scabbard Better (But don’t elongate it too much - You know I do not recall ever seeing anything in the tales of King Arthur, Lancelot and Guinevere that talked about King Arthur or Lancelot, rubbing Guinevere’s scabbard a whole bunch)
9. More Sperm Means Longer Orgasms (And it means messier bed sheets, increased likelihood of condoms breaking, more rug rats under foot and ah hell, who needs that!)
10. Experience Masturbation like never before (Oh?  Do Tell!, How might that be possible?  In outer space, using my own foot . . .)
11. The Ultra realistic and best male masturbator available (What they do not tell you is that the best male masturbator is NOT available and you have to settle for second rate AVAILABLE models.)
12. OK, now this one wasn’t a spam email, but a spam comment on my blog.  This was from a supposed psychic medium from Kentucky, who was apparently not psychic enough to predict the impact of akismet on their spammy comments.
1. 

Back when I was in High School, we used to regularly turn in local Crack Houses to CrimeStoppers for the $350 reward money.  We would then use that cash to buy a keg and throw a party, the proceeds were then used to pay rent!

The reward money is not as rich today, but there are still many ways you to can earn beer money from CrimeStoppers with our tips below:

1. Not everyone knows where to find a Crack House these days, but if you do, that’s easy reward money.  Turn them in and you might be a few hundred dollars richer.
2. Every good College student has a few drug dealers on speed dial, skype or AIM.  If your drug dealer isn’t giving you a good price, ripped you off with some oregano, or sold you aspirin instead of E, then turn them in.  Not only will you get some reward money, but it will send a message to your other drug dealers to be more careful and keep their customers happy!
3. Fraternities and Sororities are easy pickings for people in need of beer money. They throw lots of parties with under aged drinkers.  Turn them in when you aren’t invited (or when you pay $5 and end up waiting in line for an hour only to find an empty keg). 
   1. Bonus Tip - Use the reward money to buy your own Beer (byob) and invite over those under aged girls that don’t have a place to party now!
4. Turn in that dope smoking professor!  Every college has one or a dozen.  Turn them in and you can buy a round of drinks to commiserate their misfortune at the local pub and score friends and a hot girls saddened by the loss of a great professor.
5. Turn in the Gas Station or Liquor Clerk that sells to under aged students.  If you are over 21 yourself, you can easily get some reward money this way, plus you increase the demand by those under aged college students to come to you to buy their alcohol for them.  This tip puts reward money in your pocket and it brings you a steady income, free alcohol and a BJ or two every month.
6. Don’t know any criminals to turn in?  Plant some evidence!  Get even with that geek down the hall that won’t let you copy his work anymore or nail the all too hot but overly religious chick that won’t go past 2nd base.  Plant some acid in their dorm room. 
   1. Acid is cheap, That means you get a great return on your investment with reward money.
   2. doesn’t take up a lot of space and
   3. packs a punch with jail time. (10 Years!)
   4. Note - Make sure you test the acid first to make sure its real.
7. Screw your Freaking Landlord, is your money hoarding landlord a prick?  Report the bastard to the IRS if he’s pocketing your rent money and not paying taxes on it.  If he’s demanding sexual favors, turn him into the police as well.
8. Did you win Backstage passes to a concert?  Well, be sure to take a video enabled cell phone and capture the band hitting the drugs and the under aged girls on camera.  Not only can you turn this over to the authorities, but after the authorities make arrests you can sell the footage to the tabloids!
9. Is Roid Rage a problem at your school?  Turn the jocks in for using steroids.  Look for the jocks with the smallest testicles, the squarest jaw, and the ones that have put on the most mass in the least amount of time. 
   1. If they get caught beating their girl friend that might be a good tip off too!  Then you can turn them in, get the reward, and take their co-dependent Co-ed off their hands.
10. How to Handle that Over Zealous Freak of a Frat brother during Rush week.  There’s always one frat brother that acts a little too much like Zed from Pulp fiction preparing to work over a gimp of a pledge and enjoy it a little too much.  Anonymously send them lots of gay porn before rush week, get them stoked up, then turn them loose on the pledges with a hidden camera rolling.  Turn them in for sexual assault when they get their rocks off. 
    1. Again this one pays derivatives. 
       1. The news eats this shit up, so sell it to the tabloids or
       2. put a water mark on the video with your website or blog so that it will be plugged when you turn it over for free on CNN and load it up on YouTube or Revver.
    2. The George Bush factor, Plus, if that same S&M Gimp loving dolt, ever runs for President, you can call in a chit and demand a Cabinet position or if you kept the video private like both Al Gore and Dick Cheney did, you can get yourself a job as the Vice President!

So get ready to get started (only some of the tips above are illegal, please consult a lawyer before you proceed).  If earning money in this fashion injures your delicate sensibilities, then you are reading the wrong blog and we suggest you hit the books and go find a nice square job designing assisted living software software or working as a Senate Page for Larry Craig.

If you need information to contact your local CrimeStoppers organization, check here at CrimeStoppers USA.