Hillary Clinton is not only on the ballots to be the Presidential candidates of Democrats, but she is also running her working girl campaign to win last minute votes by winning an award this weekend at the Adult Video Awards in Las Vegas.

She is nominated this year for work that she did not actually do as industry rumors persist that either a body double was used in her sex scene featuring a man that looks eerily similar to Vince Foster and a youngish looking John Edwards in a three some. 

Despite not actually being in the movie, Hillary’s head is in the movie either from a double or somehow the porn industry has worked their movie magic yet again.

Hillary is election hungry.  She hasn’t had any in years since Bill turned her out years before winning the Presidency himself.  So sources close to the AVN world are indicating that Hillary will be there, possibly in disguise (wearing a gimp mask), a tactic that she often uses on the campaign trail when she wants to see the real world without being bogged down with questions or interviews.  Hillary Clinton also uses this tactic when she just wants to get a good spanking.

“It helps me shed a tear and find my voice . . . .”

This is not Hillary’s first nomination for the AVN awards.  Eager to prove that she had a mouth as powerful as Monica Lewinski, Hillary is widely reputed to have appeared as a walk in roll on the low budget film Mouth’s Gone Wild.  Mouth’s Gone Wild is a video featuring women that are typically very drunk.  They are rapidly and easily convinced to let their mouth’s go wild on camera.

One thing is for sure, Hillary would do anything for your vote! 

She’ll take any press, any award, and any momentum she can get.  Wouldn’t surprise me to see her name show up on specialty bumper stickers designed to fit on your card for auto insurance, so if you get pulled over for a ticket, she’ll have a chance to convince the police officer writing you a fat ticket to vote for Hillary!

The AssClowns at Webster’s Dictionary have once again REJECTED the inclusion of AssHat into their dictionary that contains and ass full of words. 

Origins of AssHat

The word AssHat traces its origins back to the movie City Slickers produced in 1991.

[Ed Furillo accuses Mitch Robbins of flirting with Bonnie Rayburn]

Mitch Robbins: That was “Have a pleasant and restful evening.”

Ed Furillo: No, that was “I like your ass. Can I wear it as a hat?”

Hence, asshat…

A lobby of Fark enthusiast’s has actively lobbied the Webster’s AssClowns since shortly after the etymology was reported there in 2002.  The word AssHat has been defined by the Urban Dictionary for some time as those smart asses never miss a beat. 

Definition of AssHat

Second Most Popular (Butt the most accurate definition of AssHat)

A general term for someone who carries out actions with such stupidity that they might as well wear their ass as a hat.

Pete begins looking for his sunglasses, unknowing to the fact that they are on his head. He asks Ed where his glasses are. Ed takes them off his head saying, “You are such a fucking ass-hat.”

  ~Urban Dictionary

Recto-Cranial Inversion Tangentially Relates to AssHat

Unfortunately, the Webster’s AssClowns suffer from Recto-Cranial Inversion Syndrome (R-CIS), which is not to be confused with RectAL-Cranial Inversion Syndrome and coincidentally is often an alternate definition of the word AssHat.

1. Recto-Cranial Inversion Syndrome is the condition of having your head up your ass.
2. Rectal-Cranial Inversion Syndrome is the condition of having your head stuck in your ass.

The first condition inflicts side effects that include the impairment of being able to see or understand anything because of the obvious (your head is up in your ass).    This condition can be corrected by wearing the appropriate posture correction, orthotic bustiers.

The second condition inflicts the side effects that people can barely tell your head from your ass as the head and the ass appear to be fused together.  This condition is very typical of people characterized as tight asses or buttheads. 

This is also not the same thing as getting your head stuck in someone else’s ass.

Petition to Include AssHat in Webster’s Dictionary Starts with Pooh

So it would appear the Referendum to Include AssHats in the dictionary will have to wipe their asshat slate clean and start over again working to get the Websters Assholes off their asses and get this joyous word included properly in the English lexicon.  We would like to encourage this effort and call upon our readers to please consider signing the petition to sponsor the inclusion of the word ‘AssHat’. 

To submit your petition, simply sign your name, address, and phone number on the next wad of toilet paper that you insert into your toilet and eventually Websters will get the message by the assload.

Other AssHat Links

1. How to Feed Your Trowser Snake to Boost Its Growth (Note if I had to put food in my trowser snake, I’d probably scream or cut it off)
2. Women would perform your every wish if you were well-hung (That’s Bullshit.  I can attest that is bullshit. So for any of you that wish you were well hung, its bull shit and doesn’t help.  Although they might make a cast of your action and then license its reproduction by the sex toy industry)
3. We come to the rescue of your male pride (Thank God, my male pride needs to be rescued.  Those stupid male lions just won’t hunt for themselves and they are starving to death)
4. Increase your fertility with WonderCum! (Ah Hell, that’s just what I need, increased fertility.  I’ve got 3 kids already and I planned to stop at 2!)
5. I’m So Stupid; They even Call Me A Dummy! (Sorry for your Luck Pal)
6. Baby Horse Toilet Typewriter Leather Jacket Shop Airport (Now this schmuck isn’t the only one hoping to benefit from this crazy keyword combination)
7. Obtain a male package that all your buds would envy!  (My Buds aren’t the envious types.  Besides if I could obtain such a package, then so could they and they wouldn’t be envious any longer)
8. Elongate your Short Sword to fit her Scabbard Better (But don’t elongate it too much – You know I do not recall ever seeing anything in the tales of King Arthur, Lancelot and Guinevere that talked about King Arthur or Lancelot, rubbing Guinevere’s scabbard a whole bunch)
9. More Sperm Means Longer Orgasms (And it means messier bed sheets, increased likelihood of condoms breaking, more rug rats under foot and ah hell, who needs that!)
10. Experience Masturbation like never before (Oh?  Do Tell!, How might that be possible?  In outer space, using my own foot . . .)
11. The Ultra realistic and best male masturbator available (What they do not tell you is that the best male masturbator is NOT available and you have to settle for second rate AVAILABLE models.)
12. OK, now this one wasn’t a spam email, but a spam comment on my blog.  This was from a supposed psychic medium from Kentucky, who was apparently not psychic enough to predict the impact of akismet on their spammy comments.
1. 

Back when I was in High School, we used to regularly turn in local Crack Houses to CrimeStoppers for the $350 reward money.  We would then use that cash to buy a keg and throw a party, the proceeds were then used to pay rent!

The reward money is not as rich today, but there are still many ways you to can earn beer money from CrimeStoppers with our tips below:

1. Not everyone knows where to find a Crack House these days, but if you do, that’s easy reward money.  Turn them in and you might be a few hundred dollars richer.
2. Every good College student has a few drug dealers on speed dial, skype or AIM.  If your drug dealer isn’t giving you a good price, ripped you off with some oregano, or sold you aspirin instead of E, then turn them in.  Not only will you get some reward money, but it will send a message to your other drug dealers to be more careful and keep their customers happy!
3. Fraternities and Sororities are easy pickings for people in need of beer money. They throw lots of parties with under aged drinkers.  Turn them in when you aren’t invited (or when you pay $5 and end up waiting in line for an hour only to find an empty keg). 
   1. Bonus Tip – Use the reward money to buy your own Beer (byob) and invite over those under aged girls that don’t have a place to party now!
4. Turn in that dope smoking professor!  Every college has one or a dozen.  Turn them in and you can buy a round of drinks to commiserate their misfortune at the local pub and score friends and a hot girls saddened by the loss of a great professor.
5. Turn in the Gas Station or Liquor Clerk that sells to under aged students.  If you are over 21 yourself, you can easily get some reward money this way, plus you increase the demand by those under aged college students to come to you to buy their alcohol for them.  This tip puts reward money in your pocket and it brings you a steady income, free alcohol and a BJ or two every month.
6. Don’t know any criminals to turn in?  Plant some evidence!  Get even with that geek down the hall that won’t let you copy his work anymore or nail the all too hot but overly religious chick that won’t go past 2nd base.  Plant some acid in their dorm room. 
   1. Acid is cheap, That means you get a great return on your investment with reward money.
   2. doesn’t take up a lot of space and
   3. packs a punch with jail time. (10 Years!)
   4. Note – Make sure you test the acid first to make sure its real.
7. Screw your Freaking Landlord, is your money hoarding landlord a prick?  Report the bastard to the IRS if he’s pocketing your rent money and not paying taxes on it.  If he’s demanding sexual favors, turn him into the police as well.
8. Did you win Backstage passes to a concert?  Well, be sure to take a video enabled cell phone and capture the band hitting the drugs and the under aged girls on camera.  Not only can you turn this over to the authorities, but after the authorities make arrests you can sell the footage to the tabloids!
9. Is Roid Rage a problem at your school?  Turn the jocks in for using steroids.  Look for the jocks with the smallest testicles, the squarest jaw, and the ones that have put on the most mass in the least amount of time. 
   1. If they get caught beating their girl friend that might be a good tip off too!  Then you can turn them in, get the reward, and take their co-dependent Co-ed off their hands.
10. How to Handle that Over Zealous Freak of a Frat brother during Rush week.  There’s always one frat brother that acts a little too much like Zed from Pulp fiction preparing to work over a gimp of a pledge and enjoy it a little too much.  Anonymously send them lots of gay porn before rush week, get them stoked up, then turn them loose on the pledges with a hidden camera rolling.  Turn them in for sexual assault when they get their rocks off. 
    1. Again this one pays derivatives. 
       1. The news eats this shit up, so sell it to the tabloids or
       2. put a water mark on the video with your website or blog so that it will be plugged when you turn it over for free on CNN and load it up on YouTube or Revver.
    2. The George Bush factor, Plus, if that same S&M Gimp loving dolt, ever runs for President, you can call in a chit and demand a Cabinet position or if you kept the video private like both Al Gore and Dick Cheney did, you can get yourself a job as the Vice President!

So get ready to get started (only some of the tips above are illegal, please consult a lawyer before you proceed).  If earning money in this fashion injures your delicate sensibilities, then you are reading the wrong blog and we suggest you hit the books and go find a nice square job designing assisted living software software or working as a Senate Page for Larry Craig.

If you need information to contact your local CrimeStoppers organization, check here at CrimeStoppers USA.

Always a Nominee Never a Winner

George W Clooney, not to be mistaken for the popular actor George Clooney, is routinely nominated mistakenly for People Magazine’s Sexiest Man of the Year and he rarely makes it past the 2nd or 3rd rounds of selections.  In 2001 after eating nothing but burgers on the Atkins diet, he managed to get down to a fighting weight of 278 and made it to the high end of the 4th round of cuts.

He still hopes for the day when he might adorn the cover of People and from there, the sky is the limit.  Maybe he can even accept a cameo to Ocean’s 43.  In the meantime, he sits back at his home office in Tulon, Ohio where he works as an internet stalker after being laid off from a business performance management consulting gig when his clients refused to pay the cost for a second seat on Southwest Airlines.

He is also currently working on an optical mouse that will work on his own belly without the need for a mouse pad.

The Illuminati of America officially announced their endorsement today of Mitt Romney.  The endorsement was announced by a former Illuminati Grand Wizard George Herbert Walker Bush. George H Bush also held the lesser office of President of the United State (POTUS) from 1988 until 1992.  During his tenure as POTUS, he made a famous speech referring to the Thousand Points of Light, a call to action for the Illuminati to advance out of their secret conspiracies and act openly on the world stage.

George H Bush failed in this movement when a separate faction in the Illuminati rallied their troops and elected Bill Jefferson Clinton to the office of Grand Wizard and then shortly after that he also gained the lesser role of POTUS, replacing George H Bush in both offices within a 7 month span while he and his wife Hillary, a High Priestess in the Church of Isis, both had 7 different affairs each with 7 different people.

Barbara Bush, a lower Priestess in the Church of Isis, later stated on October 23, 1993, “They just wanted it more than George and I.  Plus, George just didn’t have it in him any longer to have that many affairs and run the Illuminati and dabble with the US economy.  However, our’s will rise again, for as we left the Oval office I consecrated that House of Light with my own flesh and blood, who will fulfill the prophecies of the ancients.”

In a recently released biography about Bill Clinton titled, “The Impact of Curses and Hexes on the Clinton Presidency”, it was revealed that Bill Clinton learned of this quote by Barbara sometime around 1995, and shortly thereafter began working with a White House Intern in the Oval office to break the spell of consecration performed by Barbara Bush.  The challenge for Bill at that time came in his need to guess at which ‘flesh and blood’ relative Barbara had performed the consecration, a sexual act involving one’s own child and a family pet and some designer inspired jewelry.

Many people close to the President guessed that the consecration was performed with Jed Bush.  Based on that presumption Bill Clinton had to perform certain acts with the intern.  These acts are normally considered sexual in nature, but when used to remove a Hex of Consecration, they are decidedly not sexual, which ultimately led to his honest confession that he did not have sexual relations with Monica Lewinsky.

Unfortunately, Clinton chose Bush offspring poorly, the consecration was not broken, and the spell ultimately influenced the voters of Florida and the Supreme Court in a way that allowed George W Bush to take the White House and the office of Illuminati Grand Wizard. 

Illuminati Incumbents

The Bush family is now the incumbent leaders of the Illuminati Seers and George H Bush today announced the Illuminati’s endorsement of Mitt Romney. 

The Clinton’s are not sitting idly by.  They learned in 1999 that George W Bush was the person that would defeat them and since that time, they have forged a bond between Clinton’s faction of the Illuminati and Hillary’s Sisterhood of Isis.  They are hoping to have Hillary named as the next Grand Wizard of the Illuminati, while retaining her position as the High Priestess of the Church of Isis and also picking up the POTUS belt.

They hope that their efforts and their use of the Law of 3’s will enable Hillary to once and for all end the factional infighting in the Illuminati and enable the Illuminati to remain hidden from the public for another thousand years.

Yesterday it was revealed by the White House that Iran gave up pursuing nuclear weapons almost 4 years ago.  Apparently the intelligence community knew this at least a year ago and provided a report to the president last summer, but he was not able to hear that report let alone understand what it meant.

When asked when he knew about the report, the President stated that he should have heard it last summer and known about it then, however he admitted to suffering from hearing loss that prevented them from hearing the update about Iran’s nuclear capabilities and intentions.  He elaborated that it’ll lifelong passion for hip-hop music especially Bobby Brown’s music, have resulted in significant amount of hearing loss such that he could not hear everything that his advisors told him.

“I am not denying that they told me about Iran’s nuclear capability, I just could not hear it.”  Said the President in a White House press conference yesterday.

George Bush’s hip-hop background has long been the subject of controversy in the rap world.  Rappers such as Fifty Cent ($.50) have been attacking George Bush for quite some time hiding behind the specter of the Iraq war, when in reality this is a rap versus hip-hop war.

George Bush of course has a major reputation for getting royally pissed off when anyone tries to tell him his business. Before George got into politics he even toyed with the notion of becoming a hip hop star and, but drugs and alcohol and religion had all taken their toll on him.  He just didn’t have the rhythm anymore and he was already starting to lose his voice and his ability to rhyme.

When GW Lost His Groove

People are always very nice publicly about George loosing his groove, because they do not want to touch the source of his problem, Laura Bush.  Laura Bush is publicly viewed as the nice librarian that has kids in mind all the time.

For George though, Laura’s librarian Shooshing forced George to turn down his hip hop music far too often.  Little did Laura know that when she was away the George would play “My Perogative” by Bobby Brown at insane levels (past 11!).  This hip hop binge consumption resulted in major hearing damage and neurological issues that have resulted in the President’s rapid decline in recent years.  A decline that has rapidly cut off connections in his brain.  This became evident early on when he lost his own ability to rhyme and sing and over the last 8 years, he has rapidly lost his ability to put together a complete sentence.

Bobby Brown and Laura Bush Might Be Responsible for Starting World War III

News Anchors around the world are secretly talking about the irony that has resulted in a scenario where the leader of the free world has been physically impaired by his wife and by Bobby Brown’s music.  As the US inches closer to full scale thermo nuclear war (words that George Bush used to be able to say clearly during drinking games at Yale), it is with a sad inevitability that things could have been different if George W Bush had been allowed to consume his hip hop at rational levels.

Oddly enough Singer Bobby Brown seems to suffer from some of the same physical problems that George Bush suffers from, even though many people in the know admit that comparisons really can’t be made as George W Bush did far more cocaine than Bobby Brown could have ever dreamed of, even with Whitney’s money.

Barack Obama is living the American man’s dream.  He is running for President of the United States.  He has a successful career.  He’s married.

And now he has convinced his wife to have a Menage a Troi with Oprah Winfrey once they reach the White House together.  Barack is working to achieve the ultimate hook up.  Its not a Hugh Hefner like dream of 3 Playboy Bunnies taking care of your every need.

The Power Broker Menage a Troi

Barack is working to build a Menage a Troi with what will be three of the most powerful people (1 man and 2 women) in the world.  He’s hoping to become President, make his wife First Lady and Billionaire Media Mogul Oprah Winfrey as Vice President.  He’s going to enlist Oprah and his wife to make an Obama’s Your Mama Hoagie.

The Invisible Democratic Party Plank 

Then he will live up to that invisible plank in Democratic Party that says

We uphold to get busy, freaky, and excessively sexually active in a way or manner not previously scandalized by our predecessors.

Obama has some big Freaky shoes to fill from FDR who used to secret himself behind a 1 way mirror with his mistress while he watched Eleanor getting it on with her own girlfriend, to JFK took his hot wife to the White House and played with Marylin Monroe in Vegas, to President Johnson that had a foot fetish and would routinely crawl under church pews to grope women and sometimes men, to President Carter the originator of that urban legend about the girl that was caught with peanut butter plaster over her torso to entice a dog (it was actually the President and not a girl, that was just disinformation planted by the CIA), and then to the poorest example, Slick Willy himself. 

Slick Willy Almost Run Out of Office For Not Being Freaky Enough

He almost did not live up to the plank as he just had regular ol’ sexual relationships with lots of women.  When he lost Democratic control of Congress in 1994 (the Democrats staged a revolt because he was not freaky enough for the plank and then they purposefully lost seats in the race), Clinton was forced to find a way to get freakier.  So he turned to a then unknown intern that the Secret Service assured him would blossom into a super freaky cigar fetish driven madam. 

Oprah Hitting Barack’s Stump

Oprah will be hitting Barack’s Stump this month as they prepare to hit the campaign trail together.  Make no mistake about it, this is a courtship of the American people.  They are hoping to feel out the concept of whether or not the American people will get on the train and accept Oprah Winfrey as an Obama running Mate.  It could take weeks for the market research to come back and so they have to start now.  They have previously performed several focus studies in key markets across the country, but the next step will be to expand the research through the primary states and then nationally.

Then Oprah will help get Obama nominated for the Democratic ticket and he will name her his FVP (Freaky Vice President) and then the good times march to the White House will truly begin.

Detroit, the motor city, was recently named the most dangerous city in the country and that suits illegal alien opponents just fine.

“We sure as hell do not have an Illegal Alien problem here in Detroit.  No Canadian in their right mind would want to sneak across the border and end up here in Detroit.”  Stated Detroit Commissioner of Illegal Alien Affairs.

Detroit’s violent crime rate is a major factor in scaring off Canadians looking for a better life in the United States.  When Canadians look across the border and see people getting assaulted, raped and robbed, they do not want to come to the United States.  In fact 83% of Canadians think that the rest of the United States is as dangerous as Detroit.  Canadians still think South Florida is safe as they have been conditioned to accept the safety of Florida over generations of migratory behavior.

San Diego would love to have a fear factor working to scare people away from a city that always has perfect weather and a roast on every hill top.  Detroit’s model could be the answer.

The report looked at 378 cities with at least 75,000 people based on per-capita rates for homicide, rape, robbery, aggravated assault, burglary and auto theft. Each crime category was considered separately and weighted based on its seriousness, CQ Press said.

Last year’s crime leader, St. Louis, fell to No. 2. Another Michigan city, Flint, ranked third, followed by Oakland Calif.; Camden, N.J.; Birmingham, Ala.; North Charleston, S.C.; Memphis, Tenn.; Richmond, Calif.; and Cleveland.

Motor City Named Nation’s Most Dangerous

San Diego is hoping to recreate the image of the Wild West.  Their new Six Shooters for Kids program is arming middle schoolers with Smith & Wesson 357 Magnums.  Teens of course are already packing and do not need the hardware, but middle schoolers are often much more disruptive and less careful with their guns.  They are more likely to shoot at passing cars and pedestrians and San Diego City Council Leaders hope that the laws of percentages will work in their favor.

City Council Member, Hector Guiterrez states, “If we can see a boost in crime at even a tenth the level that Detroit experiences, we can spin that up in the press and make San Diego look twice as dangerous as say Mexico City.  If Mexican Immigrants feel like they and their families will be safer living in Mexico City or Tijuana instead of getting shot in San Diego we might just be able to beat this immigration issue.”

City Council leaders are also looking to take advantage of recent wild fires.  They are considering adopting proposals whereby they would buy burned down homes and partially destroyed properties.  They would then leave the burned structure remnants in tact and hope to display a sense of a corroding city rotting from the inside out with vacant and burned out homes.

“If we get lucky, maybe some of these vacant city houses will even be used as Crack Houses!” gushed Guiterrez.