If you have ever wanted a pair of your own Twits so that you could stay home all day playing with your twipples, here’s your chance!

But just like everyone girl has learned by the time they turned 16, you eventually run out of things to do with these twits.  You can only flounce your twits around so long before your twipples will rebel and even worse chafe.

Very few people have ever really sat down to consider just how big the areolitters might be on a twit twipple.

We have the answer.  We have been analyzing our own twits with a magnifying glass and a ruler and have determined that at 70 degrees Fahrenheit our areolitters are exactly 28 millimeters across.

The consumer products division has been working very hard this year with a reduced staff and even smaller budget.  When their budget was cut again in October, the head of the consumer product division did not mind at all.

“Many people think we need a big fat budget to go audit manufacturing plants in China to insure that our children are not being poisoned by led paint in baby bottle nipples.  But that’s just stupid.  Those babies will have decades to be poisoned by Chinese products.  Why rush it?” claimed Nancy Nord Head of the CPSC and soon to be private citizen.

Apparently, not worrying about lead in Chinese products didn’t mean that the CPSC wasn’t concerned for the health of Americans.

Today they issued a recall on a popular craft product made by a deranged blogger and wife duo (see Old world craftsmanship it ain’t! ) in Florida.  The product is a Ballpark Penis Bracelet.  It features a glazed beaded bracelet with one of the beads formed in the fashion of a glazed penis.

Glazed penis may be all the fashion in Beverly Hills this year and even more so on the Red Carpet for many award shows.  Its even believed that People’s Sexiest Man Alive for 2007, Matt Damon has succumbed to the fad and had his own penis glazed and baked in a clay oven. 

This glazing and baking process, much like a very cold swimming pool, shrinks the penis down to the size of a craft bead.  It can then be drilled and threaded onto a bracelet with beads that are in the same ballpark size.

“Beading your shrunken glazed and baked penis onto a bracelet would have been just fine by our standards,” stated Nord on Larry King Live Friday night, “the problem is that many people are wearing these bracelets while they drink.  After they have had a few too many, they are much more likely to zip their shrunken, glazed and baked penis in their zipper.”

Emergency rooms all across the southeast and in California are reporting an alarming increase in the number of patients that need their glazed and baked testicles or penis removed from their zippers.  Its apparently this excessive penis zipping that triggered complaints to the CPSC and the pre-emptive recall this week.

Its expected that more than 3.2 million shrunken, glazed and baked penises will be returned, even though Mr. Fab and his wife Mrs. Fab only produced 3 themselves.

PETON (People for the Ethical Treatment of Nuts) members are furious over a new fund raising item appearing on some Hillary Clinton Supporter websites.

This new Nut cracker, designed to torture and kill nuts of all shells, is sold for a $100 and comes with a DVD featuring Bill Clinton and other men in Hillary’s life singing the song “Hillary Cracked My Nuts, and I don’t Care!” 

The video is proving to be very controversial as it features the deceased Vernon Jordan, a lawyer rumored to have been Hillary’s part time lover in the early nineties before he was found dead in a cemetery shortly after Bill was elected to office.

The Nut Cracker Goddess

Many people see a great deal of symbolism in the images of Hillary as a nut cracker.  Legends and fables of an Assyrian Goddess, dubbed ‘the Nut Cracker Goddess’, were confirmed in 2003 when researchers looking for weapons of mass destruction in Western Iraq found ancient ruins that included wooden and brass nut crackers formed in the shape of the Nut Cracker Goddess. 

The Nut Cracker Goddess represents the ideals of certain cultures that felt that a woman’s upper torso was taboo to look at.  Many people feel that the cult of the Nut Cracker Goddess may have been an early inspiration for the Burka.

PETON Members Livid Over Another Anti-Nut President

Regardless of the revelations of history, PETON members are extremely cracked themselves over the potential that the United States might elect another President that is Anti-Nut.  PETON was originally founded in 1977 following the election of President Jimmy Carter.  Carter’s family made what little fortune they had from the exploitation of nuts from the nuts grown on their farm to the nuts in his own family including his brother Billy and his sister, recently portrayed in a movie covering the life of Larry Flynt.

Larry Flynt and Brother Above are now believed to have been conceived during a peanut orgy.  Their mother was allergic to peanuts and may have been a high priestess in the same cult that Flynt later joined at the bequest of June Carter.

The congregation would then flail nuts at the high priestess by spitting them through hollow crucifixes.  If the priestess did not wake from her reverent trance then it was thought that the spirit of Christ had confirmed the savior of the participants.

The news show 60 Minutes however unveiled that the high priestess was usually drafted from a select pool of young women that were allergic to nuts.  The trance was actually a coma and many young women did not survive the coma.  The episode was never aired, but recently leaked onto YouTube where it has subsequently removed and added again over and over again.

As a break away and extremely dangerous respiratory virus claims the lives of 1 to 10 people in the US from the East Coast to Texas to Oregon, CDC Experts are worried that the press is inaccurately portraying their concerns.  Multiple reports by different members of the press portray the CDC as worried or not worried and this worries the CDC.

“How are we supposed to feel, when the press bobbles are feelings so ineptly?  If I’m worried about a virus, I want the world to know.  If I am not worried about a virus, the world better know about that too!” said Dr. L. Ron H. Anderson.

Google news recently ran over 400 articles on a mutant respiratory virus that has recently surged.  The virus discovered in Netherlands Military recruits sourced from a notorious red light district sheep farm in the mid 50’s is now killing people across the US.  Some of the articles indicated that CDC officials were either worried or not worried about this virus.

How are Americans Supposed to Feel When CDC Officials Appear to Have Bi-Polar Disorder?

Editorial

Now its obvious to consumers of the media that the fine news professionals of the world are always right and always accurate.  The problem here is that these damn CDC officials have bipolar disorder and are apparently suffering from mood swings from one interview to the next.

The people that safe guard the United States from infectious disease and work to come up with vaccines to fight them need to get their mental house in order.  Get to a shrink, get on the couch, get some meds in your system to curb out those feelings.

Come on you smart bastards, get your act together and sit down in a room together. 

Then get on the horn with the next reporter and let the rest of us know whether or not we should be scared shitless or not!

In this modern age, where there is a Jackass on every corner and more importantly on every reality TV show, it is getting much more difficult for good nominees to be identified for Darwin awards.  Reality TV has made crazy stunts too safe.  People are much more likely to survive the crazy stunts that they engage in and that has many people worried that people will not learn the lessons needed in order for the human species to evolve.

“When these dipshits survive stunts like getting bitten in the ass by a shark or shooting the lug nuts off of a car, it decreases the quality of the human gene pool.” Pope Benedict claimed as he stopped to speak briefly before heading out to tour Ground Zero.

Pope Benedict has been a long time outspoken critic of impurities in the gene pool.  Some claim that his outspoken beliefs date back to his days as a Hitler Youth.  Most believe that his heart felt words are much more puritanical. 

“Jesus can not return to earth if the gene pool is filled with too many stupid people.  Jesus doesn’t suffer fools well.  He died for our sins not our stupidity,” was the ellaboration offered by Vatican spokesman Cardinal Jose Montegno.

Most people could care less about the religious ramifications, but they are extremely concerned about the dwindling list of Darwin Award nominees to giggle at during coffee breaks at work.  Darwin Award Nominees are supposed to remove themselves from the human gene pool and more and more, these selfish bastards are failing to actually remove themselves.

Will the Honorable Mentions Kill the Darwin Awards?

When people engage in an amazingly stupid and life threatening activity, such as flying with helium balloons over LAX, they receive an honorable mention.  This trend however is starting to displace the actual nominees.  Too many survivors are turning our world into a very dangerous place. 

It is just possible that if the number of Honorable Mentions continue to climb, that the human race could be in peril.  Many a person used to wake up in the morning and look in their bathroom vanities and envision themselves as the person that just might successfully fly an El Camino with an Air Force Jet engine bolted on to the back of their truck bed. 

We might not survive the continued existence of so many fools.  The next Darwin Award might just go to all of us.

This morning analysts around the country are trying to figure out whether or not Hillary Clinton’s Campaign purposefully leaked documents that appear to prematurely identify Hillary’s Vice Presidential choice.  Everyone was surprised to learn that Hillary intends to choose her husband and former President Bill Clinton as her Vice President.

Constitutional scholar Betty Goibels says it is constitutional. “Hillary can definitely choose Bill as her running mate.  It is constitutional.  Bill only served 8 years and the Constitution allows a President to serve no more than 10.  If Bill were to become President, he could serve for 2 years.  He could then step down and hand the Presidency over to his own future VP.”

The Arkansas Duo Strike Again

No one in the Clinton campaign has denied the memo’s authenticity.  It appears to be signed by Hillary, cc’d to Bill, who initialed the document. 

Finger Printed in their Own Blood?

There are also two red-brown finger prints at the bottom of the document.  Initial tests have confirmed that the red-brown color comes from blood, and many people believe that they are the middle finger prints of Hillary and Bill pressed in their own blood.  Finger print analysis has yet to confirm the identity of the prints, but many people readily identified what appears to be a scar on one of the prints.  Bill Clinton reportedly has a very similar scar on his left middle finger.  Its a wound he accidentally inflicted on himself with a cigar cutter while attempting to cut the tip off of a cigar given to him by a former lover. 

Bill’s Higher Pitched Voice – Presidential Veto Stamp Gets Snipped?

Others believe that Hillary inflicted the wound on his finger and simultaneously inflicted a much harsher wound on another area of his person with the same cigar cutter.  Some convincing voice analysis has even been done that seems to indicate that the Bill today, speaks with a slightly higher pitched voice as a possible result of that second wound performed by a First Lady untrained in the arts of working as a Mohel.

Fun Fact – Complaints were actually filed by the Mohel Association of America against Hillary for operating a Mogen without a license, but were later dropped when it was conclusively determined that it was not a mogen but Bill’s fancy Cuban Cigar cutter.

What if Bill Kills Hillary Clinton?

Despite the political and vote drawing power that Clinton on Clinton would bring to the 2008 election, some more sinister and cynical pundits like Ann Coulter have raised the question, “What if Bill kills Hillary Clinton while in office?”

1. He would have access to the President
2. He would have motive (see the note above about his veto stamp getting snipped)
3. He might even have the power to keep the Secret Service out, and would only need to find a silent way to put Hillary out of her misery. (And everyone knows how much the Clintons have been in to asphyxiation.  Tales of belts, and towels and neck ties and the Clintons date back to their time in college.)

More Importantly Bill Could Pardon Himself for Killing Hillary Clinton

As Vice President, if Bill kills Hillary, and if he does it silently, her body could be discovered in the morning.  At which time Bill would be sworn in as President.  He could then issue himself a pardon while doctors are still trying to determine if Hillary’s death was murder or an accidental kinky death that was likely to happen some day.

Sure Bill might face impeachment for killing Hillary, but the pardon would be complete and he would be off the hook for murder.  He’s been through the impeachment process before and that would be no big deal.  He would also finally be free of Hillary!

Barack Obama Would be Bill Clinton’s Choice for Vice President

So after Hillary is gone, it would be very likely that Bill Clinton would choose Barack Obama to be his own Vice President.  Obama and Clinton are two peas in a pod.  Barack like Clinton is a chick magnet and can’t say no to the ladies.  Plus, Obama, who has recently begun to turn more negative towards Hillary on the campaign trail after she snubbed his sexual advances during the last debate, is over Hillary now according to sources close to the candidate.

“Loose Lips Sink Shit” a slogan rumored to be printed on one of Bill’s favorite jogging t-shirts.

Clinton would look for a Vice President this time around better suited to screen incoming White House interns for that proper level of curvature.  Despite Bills preference for women with a Big Mouth, he has learned his lesson and would probably continue to avoid his favorite fetish, just like he has for the last 7 years.  One investigative gonzo reporter that freelances for the Drudge Report part time and lives out of a card board box outside the Billtmore hotel the rest of the time, recently dug up receipts of a purchase made by Bill along with a note detailing the purpose of a pair of Skagen watches on the back of the receipt.  A quote of a possible incscription for the watches.

“Barack, in 2011, you will be President.  This watch is synchronized to count down until the date when you will be President.”

Senator Chuck ‘Easy Going’ Schumer and Senator Diane ’sleepy eyes’ Feinstein were both tortured by the Bush Administration this week.  Operatives from Blackwater’s intelligence agency, Total Intelligence Solutions, flew the senators to Syria where they were water boarded and photographed in compromising wet naked poses.

They then flew the Senators back to the US where Friday they both indicated that they would, NOW agree to vote to pass Attorney General nominee Michael Mukasey out of the Judicial Committee and on into the Senate for a confirmation vote.

Michael Mukasey had ironically stated during his confirmation testimony that he did not know if water boarding was constitutional.  People close to Judge Mukasey said that he is actually about as smart as a dried up newt. 

Few people though that the Senate acceptance of torture methods employed by the Bush Administration would spread to the point where those same techniques would be used against actual members of the Senate. 

Betsie Jefferson, a 165 year old South Carolina woman and former slave, said, “Once you let something happen to one person, it can happen to any person.”  Elie Weisel, a holocaust survivor and Nobel Prize winner declined to comment, but was spotted attempting to sell all of her family’s material possessions in New York as she and hers prepares for an exodus to New Zealand.  Many people think she’s being over reactive. “There can’t be any parallels between the holocaust and the war on terror.  We just need to find an answer for this terrorist problem,” claimed retired Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld.

When asked to defend the use of torture against sitting US Senators, President Bush stated

People do not realize that we are in a war on terror.  If we do not get all the tools necessary to fight the terrorists then the terrorist win.  People that stop us from getting those tools are helping the terrorists.  We decided that we could fight the terrorists faster if we tortured the people that were helping the terrorists.  We thought about torturing your average Americans that voted for these politicians that tried to stop us from fighting the terrorists, but instead we opted to make an example of those political leaders that opposed us.

When asked when the President had learned to put together a cohesive sentence and why he was speaking with a New England accent now, the President said

“I really do not have to pretend anymore now do I?  I can torture senators.  I can and will do anything.” 

He then promptly pulled out a copy of a pocket bible, threw it on the floor of the White House Press Conference room, pulled down his zipper and proceeded to urinate on the Bible while laughing non-stop.  This performance was followed quickly by an order from the President to have Helen Thomas shot by the Secret Service.

He then left the room and placed several orders for products as seen on tv.  Laura Bush reportedly broke down in tears when she learned about the order.

“He has always had a weakness for product advertisements on TV.  His addiction was in check but must be getting away from him.  He must have brought up a demon that he couldn’t put down during that last ritual satanic sacrifice.”

The First Lady has not been seen since.

Atlanta Police recently pulled over a GTO for running through a stop sign in an upscale Buckhead community.  Officers with squad car video camera rolling proceeded to approach the not so fast but stop sign furious GTO with guns drawn yelling for the driver to, “Show Your Hands!”

The driver did not present his hands and as the police officers approached the car windows from both sides, they holstered their guns and pulled out two tazers.  The officers then both simultaneously tazed the driver in the car.  The passenger seemed to let out a muffled, exclamation . .

“Ron’t Rase Re Rude! Ron’t Rase Re Rude!”

The video then shows the police officers opening the drivers door and pulling the suspect driver out of the car.  The driver was not a person but a large dog, a boxer in fact.  The dog stumbled out of the car and the officers both tackled the animal and attempted to apply hand cuffs, but the suspect escaped the hand cuffs and proceeded to urinate on one of the officers Hi-tech shoes.

The internet and YouTube are now being over run with boxer images and viral videos of the police scuffling with the pooch.  Subsequent field sobriety tests were performed showing the dog being forced to walk a straight line, sit, and beg which brought out cries from many people that the police officers over stepped their bounds.

Ingred Newhound, spokewoman for PETA (People for the Exceptional Treatment of Alcoholics) stated, “No Drunk should ever be forced to sit on a street and beg in front of a camera.  It is demeaning.”

Captain Mullhowlin of the ATLPD, indicated that the video tape was under review.  When questioned further, she stated that it was being reviewed that evening at a fellow officers house in conjunction with cross training previously scheduled with fire and rescue units.  Inside sources claim that the ‘review’ was actually a very large cross departmental party and that the video was the highlight of the party with officers and firemen taking turn playing the perpetrator.

Subsequent toxicology reports and stool samples later indicated that the canine was in fact drunk.  The boxer, named GW (pronounced GEE Dubb Uh Yuh) apparently licked a 1.2 during a breathalizer and then proceeded to gnaw the testing device in an obvious effort to destroy evidence.  The stool sample later confirmed the read out and is now piled in a box in the evidence locker room, which reportedly stinks like dog crap.

Unfortunately, GW escaped the next morning before arraignment as he was being transported to the court room a squirrel made the suspect excessively distraught and once again GW slipped both his hand and leg cuffs and even jumped out of his orange jump suit in one swift movement.

Bailiff Jimmie Lee Fry, made a statement claiming that the jail took its prisoner and dog responsibilities very seriously and that a dog hunt was under way.  Over 3 dozen dogs have escaped from Atlanta jails in the last 10 years.  Unfortunately for the prisoners they are often picked up by animal control and put to sleep before they ever have the opportunity to have their day in court.

David Copperfield has joined the ranks of a number of high profile celebrities to be fingered in a potential crime.  Copperfield’s Fingerer is a woman that claims she was sexually assaulted by the great illusionist in the Bahamas.  Details of the Caribbean act have not been made public yet, but many people are already questioning whether the assault was real.

Oddly enough recent revelations from the Anna Nicole investigation have provided a possible alibi or at least a character witness for David Copperfield.  Copperfield’s attorney David “snappy pants” Chesnoff snapped his fingers and magically produced a letter from thin air.  The letter is from Anna Nicole Smith and is dated 2 days before her death. 

In the letter, Anna states that she feels that David might be the father of both of her children, and that anyone that might claim in the future to have been assaulted sexually by Copperfield is just experiencing ‘an illusion.’  Upon another snap of the fingers, Copperfield’s attorney produced a DVD with a video of Smith on stage being hypnotized by Copperfield.  She walks clucking like a chicken and then downs a bottle of pills before leaving the stage.  The video shows a date that is the day before Smith passed away.

Reporters were quick to applaud the lawyer’s magic skills and followed up with requests for his famous billing tricks.  Chesnoff is famous for billing people for work that may or may not have been done, but is impossible to prove or disprove.  He is the attorney that the book The Firm was based on.  When asked if Copperfield had magical fingers capable of performing an invisible assault on a woman, Chesnoff lifted his arm, looked at his Rolex, and said, “Look at the time,” and he promptly disappeared with a flash and puff of smoke.

The FBI was quick to drop their investigation into Smith’s death and jump on top of the allegations against Copperfield.  The FBI has a long history of targeting magicians in their investigations ever since Houdini hypnotized Jay Edgar Hoover and made him act like a woman.  Hoover suffered recurring bouts of acting like a woman for many years and decades to come.  Some people even speculate that Hoover’s G-Men may have been responsible for Houdini’s unfortunate death.

A dozen FBI agents stormed the warehouse and took a computer hard drive and a memory chip from a digital camera system, as well as $2 million in cash that was inside a safe, reported CNN affiliate KLAS in Las Vegas, citing a source close to the investigation.  Police look into sexual assault claim against Copperfield

What’s most peculiar about the fact that cash was found inside a safe in a warehouse is that the safe was supposed to contain one of David Copperfield’s assistants.  Copperfield has long maintained a security force to guard his money inside his safe’s as he knows just how easy it is to get in and out of a safe.

In fact, he is rumored to have provided private consultations to Dick Cheney, showing the VP how to magically appear and disappear through his own man sized safe located in the White House.

Hillary Clinton and Republican Conservatives including the Christian Right all share a similar goal.  They want to make families more important.  They differ publicly on the means by which they hope to increase the importance of the family, but behind closed doors its a bit more of a circle jerk.

It all started back in 1994 when Bill Clinton’s Surgeon General, Jocelyn Elders went before the United Nations.  She was asked in the context of World Aids Day, whether or not children should be taught to masturbate.  Her reply was diplomatic, but indicated that masturbation like abstinence was a form of safe sex.  Bill Clinton promptly fired Elders and a year later gave up masturbation himself to have an oral sex affair with Monica ‘Blue Dress’ Lewinsky.

During the year when Bill’s affair with Monica was coming to a head, Hillary published her book ironically titled, It Takes A Village, which was attacked by Bob Dole, who was running for President at the time.  He said something like ‘I’m here to tell you, it doesn’t take a village.  It takes a family.’

More and Bigger Families: A Common Goal of Politicians in the 90’s

The truth is that Hillary Clinton and the Doles and conservatives in general, they all held the same goal.  They wanted to make families play a bigger role in our culture.  Science is exploding with new data that indicates that masturbation plays an important role in the creation of families.  Masturbation also brings more cohesion to families and counter intuitively it in can increase the size of families.

There’s Wives’ Tales and then There is First Lady Tail

For hundreds of years men have fallen under the spell of their wives when it came time to make a baby.  Women had it rough.  Having a baby could kill them and for hundreds of years, birth control as a life saving device was not available.  So if having sex, makes babies, and babies might kill you, what would you do?

Have less sex!

History of Having Less Sex to Increase Male Fertility

So women would hold their partners off for longer and longer intervals.  In the 1400’s there are even conversations documented within the Vatican library.  Letter’s between spouses that all offer a similar sentiment in Italian and French, they say, “If you want a son, then we have to wait long enough for your sperm count to build up again.”

It was around this time that Galileo had invented the microscope in order to study his own sperm.  He had daughters but no son and was trying to determine if there was a correlation to sperm count and male sons.  This is actually the real reason why the Church tried him.  It was far more damaging for the church to conceive of sperm counts, the essence of life under a magnifying glass.  They could care less whether the sun was the center of the Universe or not, but the finger of God coming out of the head of a man’s penis to make a baby?  That was heresy.  Watching the finger of God under a microscope and counting the touches, that was almost akin to looking up the Pope’s Robes to determine if he were truly a man.

During the twentieth century this concept of holding the male off to increase fertility persisted, even after the advent of multiple forms of birth control.  During the new modern age, the wives’ tale had sunk into our consciousness as common sense.  We looked on things like the number of sperm in a man was finite, like the number of eggs in a woman.  That is not the case however. 

Men create sperm.  Like a car or an engine, if you do not run it regularly, it starts to break down.  Maybe a better analogy is the concept that if you do not practice, you do not make perfect sperm.  Or as recent science has now started to realize, if you make Sperm at the beginning of the month, and sit on it all month long waiting for your partner’s perfect day, that sperm might just go bad.

Dr Allan Pacey, the secretary of the British Fertility Society, said that while not having sex allowed the numbers of sperm to build up, there was a “trade-off” between quality and quantity.

“This research shows that when you put people on a daily ejaculation regime, it reduces the figure for DNA damage.

“If you can go from 30% to 20% that is quite a big shift and that should have some implications for fertility.

“There are men out there who think, or whose partners think, that limiting ejaculation will make them more fertile.

“I remember one couple in which the woman would only let the man ejaculate when she was in her fertile period, so the poor chap was going without for almost a month at a time.”

He said that if a couple was initially trying to get pregnant, an interval of two to three days was probably advisable – whereas a man with high DNA damage and a “decent” sperm count should try more often.

‘More sex needed’ to boost sperm

The Masturbation Connection to Better Sperm

Now let’s face facts, a man’s penis does not know the difference between Mary and her five sisters and his wife’s vaginal tract.  Here’s the logic of how the penis really works:

1. If you do not work the pipes, the pipes get rusty. 
2. QED -> So when you work the pipes, you the pipes stay clean.

If you prefer a process analogy, NASA spent 10 years working on launching a phallic payload that would reach the moon.  After they raced and raced to shoot off their rockets, they forgot to document their efforts well for posterity.  Today, we have lost that knowledge and wisdom of how to consummate a Moon Landing.  If you stop doing a thing, you start to forget how to do the thing bit by bit. 

Its not a question of “Is the man Shooting Blanks?”

It is a question of “Is the man Shooting Duds?  Has his sperm gone stale?”

When the milk goes bad, a farmer goes out and pumps some more.  When your sperm goes bad, you don’t shoot it over to your wife and say,

“I’ve been saving this stale sperm for you all month honey!”

Men have to get out there and make fresh sperm.  Stronger sperm.  Rejuvenated sperm.

Making ‘Good’ Sperm is not Like Riding a Bike

You may be able to get on a bike and ride after 10 or 20 years of abstinence, but can you get on the same bike and do a back flip off a launch or get 10 feet of air on a half pipe?  Not likely.

Sure, you can dust off the pipes and make a mess after a few weeks of inactivity, but that doesn’t mean that you are making quality stuff.  Men have to keep their production lines and quality checks running a full speed.  They have to improve their sperm building technique working towards the day when their battle hardened sperm will make the grade and break through to the other side.  We don’t lose our Purity of Essence by spending it in sexual acts.  We build up our Purity of Essence like super excited electrons bouncing up a Valence at a time.

Heavy Masturbation Evidence by Population Numbers

Now obviously certain cultures have been depleted by the myth that spending sperm is bad, that too much sex is bad for building a family, that masturbation is bad.  This can be traced by looking at population explosions and population stagnation trends.

China and India have swelling populations, each mounting into the billions.  Their men obviously do not shoot too many duds.

If you look at populations in Europe, in the US and other places you see a population growth that is much slower.  The West is shooting duds and its their own oral traditions that are to blame.  Science is catching on just a bit and that might balance things out.  The west could balance out its population with the rest of the world, by ending the myth that abstinence makes the sperm grow stronger.

Furthermore, China as an example has attempted to practice population controls in the past.  A public campaign in China to utilize Western Wives’ tales could actually make masturbation a taboo, which could in turn increase the Duds in the sperm count in China, thus slowing down population control.

Putting your Boys on Ice – Urban Legend Torture Concept

I’d like to point out one last fallacy.  Many male fertility doctors will often times subject their patients to prostate ice torture.  The concept is that if you put your balls on ice, it should increase fertility.  So men around the US and Europe will put on special undergarments filled with ice packs.

Gentlemen, I posit to you that this is Nuts!  If putting your Boys on Ice really helped fertility, don’t you think that the Eskimo population would be approaching 2 billion by now?  The death rate in Siberia is higher than the birth rate.  Chilling your Johnson makes it smaller. 

Don’t believe me, you can run a simple test with a glass of ice water.

1. Get a 20 ounce glass
2. fill it with about 10 ounces of water and crushed ice and a half teaspoon of salt
3. Stick your man hood in the glass and stir for 2 minutes. 
4. Don’t bother reporting the results to me, just trust your own eyes, your stirring stick will shrink (and it might not be your best friend anymore . . .)

I’m not saying that you should heat your boys up either.  A pair of sweaty twins is not always the turn on for your wife that you think it might be. 

Just keep things normal, and keep things regular if you want to be a fertility god.

Men Starting to Gain the Wisdom to Control their Fertility Levels

That last point has an inverse that can be very empowering for men.  We might be looking at a male sexual revolution in the making.  For years, men have been playing Russian Roulette with their Guns.  Its currently popular and conventional wisdom that single men, should rub one out before they go on a date.  If you want to pay attention to your date, and not get super distracted by being as Randy as a Billy Goat, you ease the tension before the date.

The problem with that notion is that by doing this, you are cleaning the pipes, oiling the mechanism and making yourself more fertile!

When you finally do make it to the promised land with your date, you are now firing off hollow tipped bullets at your dates eggs.

Teenage Pregnancy Increasing Due to Masturbation

Teenager boys are actually at the most risk for this type of behavior.  The poor little dudes can’t hardly stop themselves from jerking off long enough to get to class.  Their packing uranium tipped tank busters shells and they don’t even know it.  They get a girl for the first time or even the twentieth and they are infinitely more likely to end up a daddy.  The poor girls never know what hit them.

Their mothers might have even told them some of the wives’ tales mentioned above.  They probably think that since their boyfriends are wanking themselves silly, that there is actually a lower sperm count in armory.  They think they are having safer sex, when its actually the other way around.

We need to educate the kids and let them know just how potent they are making their sperm.  The Surgeon General encouraged masturbation not because it made for safer sex, but because it would propagate more births!

The Conspiracy Unfolds in Partisan Gridlock

OK, stay with me here.  So the Surgeon General said in 1994 that it would not be a bad thing for children to learn about masturbation.  Sure back then that was safer than aids, but look what has happened in the last 13 years.

Teenage Pregnancy is at an all time high.  Lets face it, teens are going to have sex.  Encouraging them to masturbate more doesn’t slow that down, it speeds it up and it makes them more potent from a fertility perspective.

The Clinton’s Surgeon General laid the foundation to move us away from a 2-4 person family and into a household environment that was populated like a village!  Hillary Clinton’s secret agenda is to become President and rapidly increase our population by encouraging more masturbation. 

I’m not saying that there is anything wrong with that.  Maybe we need a billion people to fend off China.  Maybe we need 4 billion people so that we can masturbate our way through the galaxy.  Regardless we need to understand what is going on.

Republicans and Democrats are actually tooling for the same goal here.  They just differ in their approach.  Republicans simply want marriage before the kids go off and mate like bunnies.  The problem is that the gridlock between their fight has resulted in a lot of mating like bunnies, but with no understanding of the inputs and outputs.

Cleaning Up Afterwards

So to wrap things up, we need to understand what is really going on.  We have to see the politics, the global dynamics, the pseudo science, the science, and the bull shit so that we can be empowered to find our own path.