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Pundits around the US were buzzing this week when Barack Obama changed tactics and started talking about Hillary Clinton on the campaign trail. 

Barack Bucking Conventional Wisdom With Bedroom Talk

Many political insiders from Dick Morris to Snake Eyes have been saying that Obama, despite his campaign fund raising success needs to take Hillary Clinton down a peg or two. 

Barack showed an uncanny level of political astuteness despite his relatively youthful age (Obama should turn 35 just before the election according to our sources.)  Instead of opening up a can of whoop ass on Hillary, Barack pulled out the trusty political companion of the modern YouTube Age and released an internet sex tape of Hillary spanking Obama and then performing oral sex on Obama.

He then made a number of oblique double entendre references to getting spanked by Hillary during speeches throughout the week.  The New York Times  captured a quote and reference to Hillary Clinton as he was discussing her vote to allow the Iraq War to take place as such,

“Leading Democrats – including Mistress .. . I mean Senator Clinton – echoed the erroneous line that there was a connection between Saddam Hussein and Al Qaeda,” Mr. Obama said.
(Copied by Our Source here at the ViralGrapeVine)

Hillary has long been a celebrated and skillful dominatrix of the highest quality.  She was even featured on the cover of Spy magazine in full regalia several years ago.

Rush Limbaugh was quick to jump on this latest political move stating, “This is the best thing to mobilize the Conservative Base that I have ever seen.  Plus, its actually pretty hot.  Hell, I’d even shut up, if Hillary would come spank me like that and rub my ‘Ditto Head.’

*Rush Limbaugh has been a severe detractor of the Clinton’s for years after he learned that a cigar gift given to him by President Clinton had been used during sexual relations with Monica Lewinsky.

Clinton/Obama Sex Tape Manufacture

The entire episode was reminiscent of the Paris Hilton sex tape as it was filmed with night vision gear.  This gear gives Hillary a very youthful appearance. 

“Her jowls almost entirely disappear!” remarked one stoned college student from the University of Kansas.

The students MILF savvy room mate offered the rebuttal, “Her jowls aren’t disappearing because of the light, but because she has the next best thing to Botox going into her cheeks .. . . . A Obama Mama Injection.”

The Obama Mama Injection has in actuality been under study for several years.  Researchers have been studying this phenomena in pirated sex clips of dubious quality and authenticity for close to 15 years.  The concept is simple, when a person accepts Obama into their ‘life’ their cheeks tend to fill up with the ‘essence of Obama.’

The Obama Spiritual Connection

Beltway insiders have attempted to spin this 8 ways to Sunday, claiming that its the best thing since sliced bread and the worst thing since the Cuban Cigar shortage occurred shortly after The Lewinsky craze swept across high schools on the East Coast.

People in the now, claim that the ‘Essence of Obama’ is almost a spiritual experience. 

One DC Prostitute offered to Debunk they myth and came on the record anonymously stating, “There’s nothing spiritual about the Essence of Obama.  He pays an extra $50 and we are ordered to purr for more.  He also makes us refer to ourselves in the third person as ‘Obama Mama.’  He would make me say, ‘Come give your Obama Mama a little essence of Obama baby.’ It didn’t make sense, but hey I’m a prostitute.  No one ever said that my clients were supposed to make sense.  Its just not in the contract.”

Alpha Males that Like to Be Spanked by Alpha Females

Barack is not the first Alpha male that liked to be spanked good and hard like the bad boy that he claims to be.  Presidential hopefuls have for years been susceptible to a good spanking.  There were several sordid news paper exposes dating back to before the civil war covering the brawling escapades of Abraham Lincoln and the victory parties he would have with the wives of his opponents.  Many claim this was the real reason why Mary Todd went a little nuts, she just never got used to spanking his bony ass.

Since then history has offered up numerous examples from FDR, to Bobbie “Spank Me Marilyn” Kennedy to Ronald “I’m sorry Mommy” Reagan, who apparently learned of the pleasures of spanking from a fellow actor.  Coincidentally, this actor, Don Knots is famous for writing a Guide to Alpha Spanking Success, which Barack Obama reportedly (again our trusted source) keeps on a red satin pillow on the floor next to his bed.

Rumors of Barack Lusting After Condi Rice are Inaccurate

Many people had erroneously been interested in potential links between Barack Obama and Condi Rice.  It was rumored that Condi was a spanker herself after many political parodies started appearing featuring Condi with a rice and after a rumored affair that Condi had with a Canadian diplomat that was a notorious masochist. 

Many people thought this would definitely attract Obama to Condi like a bee to honey, but it turns out Condi’s honey pot was dry.  A divorce proceeding of a former Condi boyfriend revealed that Condi didn’t actually like to spank men at all.  She apparently was all bark and no bite.  Lots of sexy talk and no delivery, lots of intellectual ideas with no sound results . . . the list goes on with her.

Sources for this Article

Our Primary source for this article was Jeffrey Turbane.  Jeffrey previously worked as a stunt man on the set of the latest Batman, but was released when a stunt went wrong and a technician died.  Jeffrey lacks vision and cannot hear.  He’s also unable to speak or read, but he knows how to copy and paste with a mouse, hence his quotes are usually fairly accurate.  He communicates with us through his talking dog named after George Stephanopoulis, a man that really knew how to take a spanking from Hillary Clinton.

Jeffrey Turbane featured in an advertisement when he worked as a model.  Those are his real clothes, he has very big ears, despite their disfunctionality.

Following on the unprecedented success of outsourcing mercenary contractors in Iraq via Blackwater, the US State Department has decided to expand their outsourcing efforts.  Starting on October 1st, the US State Department decided not to rely on actual terrorists to rain chaos, disorder and death on Iraq. 

Secretary of State, Condoleeza Rice stated, “We just can’t rely on Al Qaeda to do the entire job and we all know just how unreliable home grown insurgents can be.  Working with these people is almost a quagmire.” 

That was her pronouncement, right before Secretary Rice unveiled the new plan to outsource terrorism to 2 American corporations.  The lucky contract winners are Mattel, the makers of GI Goe and Hershey’s, who is rumored to have bought the patent on Jarts out of bankruptcy following a consumer products ban in 1988.

The Mattel contract is rumored to be roughly $8.2 billion and the Hershey’s contract is half that at $4.04 billion.  Mattel will provide contract terrorists that will be shipped in from plants in China.  These contract terrorists are the same workers that would have been fired for painting barbie dolls with lead paint.

Flying Improvised Explosive Devices

Hershey’s on the other hand is going to be working on an unprecedented project to revamp the production of GPS enabled jarts.  These jarts will be armed with grenades, helium balloons and GPS devices.  They have already been dubbed as Flying Improvised Explosive Devices.  The terrorists from China will then air up the balloons with helium, launch them with jarts and grenades attached, and release the jarts from the balloons when the jarts fly over targets of opportunity that the State Department will identify.  The GPS devices will help the mostly uneducated Chinese Terrorist Transplants in Iraq (CTTII’s) identify where the grenade enabled jarts are and hit the button when necessary to drop some fire in the hole.

The State Department wants to end the chaos of unplanned terrorists attacks.  They are hoping that by telling the terrorists where to attack, they will then be able to respond with US counter terrorism force much more effectively in order to “make a good show for the cameras.” 

Presidential Candidate John McCain declared on CNN this evening that this concept seems just ludicrous enough to work.  When asked to elaborate, he stated, “President Bush has done many things based on principal.  Everything that he has done on principal has gone horribly wrong.  Not so much because his principals were wrong, but instead because he is an ineffective twit.(Pause for gulp of Hennessy) That twit could kill his mother trying to tie his own shoes.  No, I think this plan just might work, because if President Bush tries to make it work, it is very likely to back fire and I suspect that this will then bring down North Korea, Sudan and bring about the release of the captured Israeli soldiers.”

Other’s were not quite as positive (nor as drunk).  Barack Obama, who was only half as drunk (and a little high- have you ever noticed that everything is goofy smile he has?) stated, “I do not think this is the best plan I have ever heard of, but there have been many plans that were worse.  As I see it, it does work to eliminate Al Qaeda by Outsourcing them to the Chinese and that can’t be a bad thing.”

A Judge has agreed to hear Larry Craig as he attempts to appeal a 1999 guilty plea for playing footsie at a dinner table at a fund raiser for George W Bush.  Craig initially signed a misdemeanor ticket and sent it into the court along with a check for $300 hoping that it would go away in the mail.

Craig later decided that he did not want to be guilty any longer and asked the courts to over turn his own guilty plea.  In his defense Craig is expected to take the witness stand and describe his life long battle with a medical condition that forces him to speak out of both sides of his mouth.

I thought my condition would suit me well in Washington, DC.  I was correct, but it still doesn’t work well in other parts of America where double speak is frowned upon.

Double Speak Advocates have been protesting the persecution of Craig all summer, claiming that many Republicans are simply double speak bashing.  One tell all faction even claims that all Republicans and maybe all politicians are closet double speakers.  They are threatening to release names and dates of double speakers if Craig’s guilty plea is not over turned.

Fox News the Red Eye is reporting that President George W Bush has a life threatening case of Wombat Warts.  The report came out on September 22, 2007 at approximately 2:24 am.  The Red Eye definitely had the scoop on this breaking story.

Wombat Warts are rapidly becoming the leading killer of US Presidents still in office all around the world.  The Red Eye is reporting that President Bush is expected to live approximately 48 hours.  Wombat Warts are deadly when contracted.  There is no known cure.  Wombat Warts can only be contracted when a person has sex with a wombat while wrapping cellophane around the wombats head during the sexual act causing the Wombat to expire from lack of Oxygen at the point of orgasm.  The lack of oxygen in the Wombats lungs causes a peculiar release of fluids from the Wombat that causes Wombat Warts.

President Bush has a long history of reckless and self destructive behavior from his business dealings with the Bin Laden family, which bailed out one of his failed oil businesses to his coke and alcohol habits to his predilection for dancing with serpents and speaking in tongues in the Lincoln bedroom.

I’m sitting here watching the Red Eye as they walk through the facts of the situation.  Its a little difficult to pick up all the facts as I have my TV muted.  That means that I have to read the commentators lips, and I do not know how to read lips.

Many people had their eyes glued to the TV watching the Patraeus report last week or they spent their weeking plotting ways to steal their personal memorabilia back from friends hawking their signature for $20 a pop after the courts took away their only way to earn a living by writing about the murder of their dead wife, whom they probably killed, even though they beat the rap with an acquittal and a dream team.  Many people didn’t hear about Noah Rouch.

Noah committed suicide on Wednesday.  Noah was defeated in a midget wrestling contest on Tuesday night, despite the fact that Noah is the World’s Tallest Midget, as featured on 60 Minutes back in July.  (see feature clip below)

Noah had attempted to make his way through life as an activist, but he found that it was just not possible to live partly in the two very different worlds of midgets and non midgets.  After suffering through an embarassing defeat, after a midget wrestler stomped on Noah’s toes, punched him in the nuts, and forced him to smell his own flatulence in front of an audience of 6 at a Indianapolis strip mall, Noah went home, got drunk, passed out, woke up, almost got drunk again.

It was at this point that authorities believe that Noah, started his garage, intending to purchase more alcohol, but instead fell asleep at the wheel and killed himself.

He is survived by two sisters, and a half brother, who must now ponder how to purchase a casket for the worlds former tallest living midget.

*Note, Noah is not the tallest midget in history to ever have lived.  Abraham Lincoln is actually the tallest midget to have ever lived.

For decades now, Baptist Preachers have been hiding their repressed homosexuality, hiding behind homophobia, hiding behind their congregation, and hiding tightly behind their church Deacons, but Baptist Preachers have a new hidden secret.  Baptist preachers are no longer divorcing their wives solely due to their latent homosexual feelings that they have hidden from themselves and sometimes the world.

Today almost as many Baptist Preachers are divorcing their wives, not because they are gay, not because they covet children or animals, not just because they like to smoke crack and whoremonger, Baptist Preachers are increasingly divorcing their wives because they have a lot of money in the bank.

For many years, researchers thought they were seeing a correlation between rich televangelist homosexual explosions and the size of their bank account.  Many people cynically judged Baptist Preachers thinking that these preachers must have always been gay, born gay, and just lied to everyone else so that they could accept donations for the weak, poor, destitude, sick and elderly to amass fortunes of wealth that would entice King Solomon to offer a blow job for a crumpled twenty dollar bill.

Ditch Her When the Well Runneth Over

Many successful and rich evangelicals are ditching their wives now when the bank account runneth over.  They have watched the Davinci code too and they now know what Jesus would do.

Jesus would ditch the bitch!

Jesus to Mary Magadaelen, “Mary we need to talk, I have something I need to tell you.”

Mary, “You son of a bitch, don’t you fucking tell me that you are gay.  Paul told his wife he was gay last week so that he could go gambling in Rome one last time.  Don’t even try that shit on me.”

Jesus looking pious, “Sorry its not like that. Mary, you may have the same name as my mother, you may have even been the mother of my children, but I have a real following now.  The church is taking off, and my disciples . . .”

Mary looking and sounding pissed, “You mean your drinking buddies, you horses ass, show some balls and just tell me your gay.  I new there was something fishy, when you said you wanted to go fishing for men and then had your buddies write something different.”

Jesus getting pissed too, “No God damn it!  Ah fuck, I promised dad, I wouldn’t curse at him when I was mad at you, now see what you made me do?”

Mary, “Oh just stuff it you big pansy.”

Jesus, “Fine, I’m leaving.  I’m going to spend some time in the desert.  I’m taking all my money out of the bank, I never did trust those money lending relatives of yours.  You can go be a prostitute for all I care, but I’m taking all the money and there’s nothing you can do about it.”

Mary, “I’d rather be a prostitute than put up with your sorry ass for another day.  Just who do you think you are?  The fucking savior or something?”

Digression Ends Here

So anyway, evangelicals after studying the dead sea scrolls, a historical accounting of police records from the days of Jesus where disturbing the peace reports recorded the exchange above, shortly before Jesus was hauled off to jail on a domestic battery charge, evangelicals are leaving their wives of many years left and right.  They are hitting the bricks, high tailing it out of town, sneaking out before the rail rides them out and looking for the ‘cheapest peace of tail’ (their Baptists and have their own lexicon of slang) that they can find.  They are heading to the desert just like Jesus and finding their dreams and fulfilling their desires in Nevada. 

They are giving the working girls of Nevada new tails to tell themselves and making a down right nuisance of themselves, but at least they are stealing money from the poor, the elderly, the sick, the desperate or even from starving little children.

A toddler is being prosecuted in Providence, Rhode Island under Federal Hate Crime statutes.  The toddler of Caucasian and African decent, crossed his eyes at Muslim baby girl in the Toddler Christian Academy in downtown Providence.

A teacher and school administrator both witnessed the obvious hateful attack and called authorities immediately.  Police responded within 15 minutes, handcuffed the toddler and were later forced to taser the toddler in the squad car, when the infant became belligerent and spit up on the officer.

Providence has recently come under fire as a hot bed for hate crimes against babies. The crimes have not been limited to Muslims alone.  Similar hate crimes have been noted against almost every race and religion in Providence.  This once happy city is now considered to be one of the most bigoted and hateful places in America.  One news pundit even made the claim that small children were being taught to cross their eyes at a very early age.  The practice of making ‘GooGoo’ eyes at babies has been depicted in cartoons and movies for decades, but it was only recently noted that eye crossing and GooGoo eyes is racially and sometimes religiously offensive and when performed within a close proximity of less than 3 feet, it is a Federal Offense.

With the advent of HIV, it is now also considered to be attempted murder with a weapon when a toddler blows air raspberries in the general direction of other toddlers.  The transaction of blowing raspberries often times results in potentially infectious spittle being transmitted from one hateful child to another.

These situations has led the ACLU to sponsor lawsuits that would require that children convicted of these hate crimes and hate crime assaults to have their eyes and tongues physically removed.

1. Buy some Marijuana and roll a joint and smoke it to remove any lingering anxiety about having to build a bong.
2. Call your buddy that’s good at building shit and tell him that you are going to build a great bong and that you have a lot of smoke.
3. When your buddy arrives, roll another joint and smoke it so that your buddy owes you one
4. Now roll another and start brain smoking and storming what type of great bong you are going to make, what you will make it with, and how much pot it should be able to hold.
5. Take a break and grab something to eat before you actually begin building.
6. Now, roll another and head to the garage, your local Home Depot, Pet Store, Wal Mart or Cracker Barrel to find just that right thing for making a Kick Ass Bong.
7. Smoke the joint before you go, don’t get busted with pot at Cracker Barrel or those crackers might string you up (or steal your dope)
8. Grab a soda or an energy drink for the trip and get some more munchies before you go too.
9. Check your TiVo to make sure that you have at least 90 minutes of Sponge Bob recorded, if not look the next episodes up and record it.  If you aren’t into Sponge Bob when you are stoned, feel free to substitute this with anything on SciFi, Comedy Central or the religious Network of your choice.  While you are looking this stuff up, go ahead and smoke another joint.
10. Now that your TiVo is set, Call a friend with a ride to take you to Cracker Barrel, KEY POINT – Don’t tell this friend that you are already high.  Tell them that you are going to buy them a roast beef dinner at Cracker Barrel or something. 
11. Once they are on their way over, you can pass the time, by lighting up another joint, but smoke it fast and deep before your friend gets there.
12. If you actually hear your new friend knocking or ringing the door bell, make sure you answer the door and don’t just sit their giggling.
13. If you don’t successfully answer the door before they leave, call them on their cell phone and explain that you are a little high or that you were in the garage looking for bong building material.
14. If that doesn’t convince them to turn around tell them that you still have a lot of weed left, and encourage them to come back and loosen up with a fattie before you go for grub.
15. Once they get back, let them roll a joint as you are probably having a hard time keeping your head up by this point in time.
16. Pass the time by watching the 700 Club while you smoke this next joint.  It will probably be a lot funnier for you and your first buddy, and the fact that you get the joke more than your new friend will make the entire situation even funnier.
17. At this point in time, you might be getting a little low on buds, so feel free to call out an order for take out pot.  (If you don’t live in New York City where this is prevalent, call Michael Bloomberg and inform him that you are interested in establishing a franchise in your area.)

    Mayor Michael R. Bloomberg
    City Hall
    New York, NY 10007
    PHONE 311 (or 212-NEW-YORK outside NYC)
    FAX (212) 788-2460
    E-MAIL:
    http://www.nyc.gov/html/mail/html/mayor.html

18. Tip! – Make sure your most sober friend actually places the call as your fried ass probably can’t deal with the only two options on the stoner’s hotline.
19. After you make the call, roll your last joint and smoke up until your delivery arrives.
20. When the delivery girl arrives ask her if she can give you a ride to Cracker Barrel, make sure you give her a big tip first!
21.  The four of you get into her new Hyundai Sedan (all dope delivery girls drive Hyundai’s- they have great warranties, get decent gas mileage and they don’t look like drug dealers)
22. Don’t be tempted to light up during the drive to Cracker Barrel, remember you are in a Hyundai loaded with dope in Chinese food containers.  Also, don’t eat the dirty rice either, it’s very expensive and its not rice.
23. Key Point! – When you finally get to Cracker Barrel, don’t forget to get OUT of THE car.
24. Its going to take you a long time in Cracker Barrel to find something that will make a good bong.  You will need to get in the right frame of mind for this next step, so head around to the back of the building and smoke a joint with the dishwashers behind the gates to the area where they keep the dumpster.
25. Time for Fun!- Head into the gift shop in Cracker Barrel and feast your blood shot eyes on the funniest crap you have ever seen.  Feel free to try every toy, gizmo and wiz bang in the place, spending extra time on the hand puzzles.
26. Don’t forget to ask the hostess to seat you at a table for 4 or 5 (depends on if you can remember how to count or if you can actually count how many of you actually made it inside of the Cracker Barrel without getting stuck in a rocking chair on the faux concrete porch.
27. The Kick Ass Tip!  The John Deere tractors make the best bongs.  John Deere was originally founded by hemp farmers. They used to run a bong built into the early John Deere tractors.  The deer in the emblem used to aim downward like they were landing and now they aim up.  They aimed down to signify the high deer that would stumble and fall after leaping over a fence in a field full of marijuana.  Deer are notorious stoners, talk to one sometime and you will see what I mean.

OJ Simpson complained to the LA Times that he thought that ‘What ever happened in Vegas, stayed in Vegas.’

After happening on some people that had his “Stolen shit, MotherF***er!” that he didn’t really own, he ramped up his bad boy image and tried to do what any football player, actor hero would do, He tried to steal it back.

But Las Vegas police and prosecutors apparently aren’t real big on pleasing the tourists.  Instead of letting the issue stay in Vegas, they let the whole world know what Simpson did, where he stashed his off shore financing and more.  Plus, they are probably going to send him to state prison if he’s found guilty.

Simpson fired back by filing a lawsuit on Monday against the Las Vegas Chamber of Commerce claiming false advertising or at least breach of implied contract.

Roy “Goonie Eyes” Rodolfo, the President of the LVCC, made a statement clarifying that the Chamber’s claims of keeping what happens in Vegas in Vegas applies in the Simpson situation, as they fully intend to keep Simpson himself in Vegas for 5-10 years.

If you were a hot dog, and you were starving, would you eat yourself?

This is a future headline prediction

OJ Simpson was taken into custody in connection with an armed robbery in Las Vegas Nevada.  It’s expected that if charges are filed against OJ, bail will likely be set at a minimum of $400 million as OJ is the poster child for flight risks.

The presiding Judge in the case also stated that if Al Rowlings picks up OJ from court after posting bail, the bail amount will be doubled, Tripled if OJ, signs autographed copies of his new bestseller “If I did it” and passes them out while running from the police in a white Prius.

A Las Vegas Judge ordered OJ Simpson to go under the knife.  OJ was subjected to court ordered surgery to search for suspected items relating to the murder of his ex-wife Nicole Brown.

TSA representatives at the Las Vegas airport reportedly identified something that looked like the potential murder weapon.

Authorities expected to find the famous knife that almost beheaded Nicole, but instead were surprised to find some of her costume jewelry and a plastic spork from an unidentified fast food establishment.

OJ awoke from the surgery feeling happy and lighter.  When questioned about the jewelry, OJ stated, “I was hiding that jewelry for Nicole so that her murderous drug dealers wouldn’t steal it from her.”

When asked about the spork, OJ firmly stated, “If I did it, I sure wouldn’t have used a spork.  Come on fellas, give me a break at least I didn’t kill any dogs.  I sure as hell am no Michael Vick!”

Michael Vick appears to have unofficially renounced Satanism and Church of Satan elders are not happy.

“Michael Vick was shaping up to be the best poster child of Satanism our Church has seen in decades, possibly since Bishop Charlie Manson himself,” said Elder Malaclypse The Younger(Clinton Portis) during an interview on CNN Sunday.

According to court reports, it is alleged that Michael Vick sacrificed 7-8 dogs with his own hands.  Vick also led several black masses posing under his pseudonym of Ron Mexico.  In one ritual gone wrong, Vick brought up a demon in a female host that he could not put down and contracted Herpes, a historical test of the Devil’s for all his future high level disciples.

But now Michael Vick is turning away from the Church of Satan to save his fortune.  His choice of religion seems tied to his pocket book.  This has rubbed many satanists the wrong way.  Most Americans do not realize that the Bible belt is laced with a Satanic Cult belt that stretches from Salem, MA down to Savannah, Georgia and over to New Orleans.  

In recent years Satanism has experienced a surge in popularity especially with young rich entertainment and sports moguls, but also with politicians such as George Bush that have been trying to capture the Satanic Vote. 

“I’d sell my soul and Laura’s soul to the devil if it would get me re-elected,” George Bush promised during a campaign stop in Macon, Georgia in late 2003.  Macon is the recognized Satanic capital of the new world.  Its name is derived from the word Draconemacon, a term used to describe the incarnation of the dark lord walking on earth.

Many people incorrectly speculate that the Iraq War was inspired by a Christian need for a new crusade.  This is entirely untrue.  In fact, this was the small price George Bush had to pay to win the election in 2004. Despite his quote, George is a little slow even for a Devil worshipper and had forgotten that he had sold his soul to the devil for a few lines of coke in the early seventies when he was AWOL from the Air National Guard.  His speeches that have called out “Evil Doers” is not a condemnation but a challenge to the competitive forces of darkness that George is fighting against as he hopes to bring about the Emancipation of the Eschaton.  In fact no evil doer outside of George Bush has done so much in this regard since Hitler.

Many people expected that Michael Vick would actually enter into politics after his career in the NFL.  Some feel that he will still do so and now that he has publicly turned away from Satanism and accepted Christ into his heart (at least as he has payed lip service to this concept, like an Idaho Senator pays lip service to a boy in the can) some others feel that Vick is positioning himself to enter politics much earlier as a born again reformed sinner, just like Vick’s hero George Bush.

Tony Snow announced today that he would be leaving the White House on September 14, 2007, resigning from his position as the White House Press Secretary.  Un-Reliable sources in the West Wing are grumbling that Snow resigned so that he could travel to Cuba for Cancer Treatment sessions on September 15, 2007.

Snow was apparently inspired by the Michael Moore film Sicko.  In the film Moore filmed 9/11 workers that traveled to Cuba to seek medical help for ailments stemming from their work cleaning up ground zero.

Cubans Close to Synthesizing Fountain of Youth

Few people realize that the fountain of Youth is located in Cuba.  Fidel Castro reportedly found the fountain in the 1940′s in the mountains of Cuba and utilized its regenerative powers to inspire his troops to over throw the government (and refresh and heal wounded soldiers.) 

The fountain turns out a limited supply of water, but the Cuban government has spent most of their oil revenues on biotech in order to find a way to synthesize the healing properties of the water.  Many believe that the Cubans are getting close to their goal and once they achieve it, they hope to popularize smoking and cigars.

Once lung cancer can be healed, it will be anything goes with drugs and alcohol around the world.

It is unknown why the Spanish conquistadors were unable to find the fountain of youth as it is dramatically easy to recognize.  Its location is remote, but its not exactly hidden in the jungle.

Dogs around the United States thought they were getting their revenge on Michael Vick after pet loving owners swarmed to the stores to purchase Michael Vick Chew Toys.  Unfortunately, previously undisclosed documents in the Mattel Toy recall have just been made public and it appears that the same manufacturer that produced toys for Mattel with lead based paint also produced the Michael Vick chew toy.

It is expected that this recall will impact 15 million dogs and 10 million dog owners.

A state run laboratory in Belarus confirmed yesterday that their lab tests had confirmed that the popular Michael Vick chew tows were dipped in lead covered paint.  The head of Belarussian Product Safety declined to provide copies of the laboratory results when pressed by  . . . the press, stating, “My dog ate my lab results.”

Belarus has led the world in product recalls over the years since gaining independence from the Soviet Union and rapidly giving up their personal freedom in an attempt to revert back to the glory days of Stalinistic rule under the motto, “We only regret that we have a limited number of citizens to persecute and sacrifice.”

More Bad News for Dogs

The real problem with the Michael Vick chew toy is that when dogs rip the Vick figure to shreds, those shreds may flake lead paint, which can cause the dogs to get very sick.

One dog speaking on conditions of anonymity shortly before passing away made the following death doggy bed statement,

That son of a bitch!  I wanted to chew on his ass because he killed one of my cousins 9 times removed and now I find out that some evil Chinese corporation has poisoned me.  This karma stuff really really sucks.

Even worse, I’m dying now and I learned just a few minutes ago that I’m supposed to come back in my next life as a jihadist camel in Iraq.  I’ll probably last about 3 years there.  All of this for killing a couple million people in SouthEast Asia when I lived as Poll Pot.

Well at least I got to lick my own balls a couple times this time around.  I’ve been one form of mosquito killed by car windshields for my last 48 incarnations.