Viral Story Topics & Videos

I was very intrigued today when the term Asshat came up in polite conversation on the topic of Michael Vick and his scandalous treatment of dogs.

 I did some further digging and learned that the ‘asshat’ was a device developed back in the late sixties and early seventies.  Asshat’s were originally padded devices that were shaped like a bowler (hat).  They were worn inside or beneath mens pants (in the rear). 

In our cosmetic society today, we might think that this device might have been desirable to give daddy the appearance of having more back.  But that was a different time and the devices were actually used so that daddy wouldn’t let the door hit him in the ass on the way out of the house.

Hillary Clinton’s has hired 5 former exotic dancers to serve as her Secret Service detail.  Contrary to popular internet rumors all five agents are females.

Patti Doyle confirmed the move at an Iowa event, explaining, “Hillary needs to generate more interest from male voters.  Its proven impossible for physical as well as strategic reasons to make Hillary more sexy.”

Many political pundits have speculated that the move will increase the overall level of sexy around the democratic front runner. Barack Obama experienced a big ‘sexy’ boost in polls after a YouTube video surfaced with a vampy vocalist singing “I got a crush on Obama.”

Hillary needed to take immediate action to respond to that political ploy by the Obama camp.  Patti Doyle had complained last month, “Obama’s got all the good hoes.  Its obvious that we are in a bit of a Ho gap, but you mark my word words, Hillary will close that Ho gap, and she will close it up tight!”

High ranking staffers have indicated that there is a predominant perception in the campaign that sexy secret service agents will give male voters something focus on in the Clinton campaign.  The theory is that sexy women surrounding the Senator will attract more men to the events.  “We’re not looking to create a sausage fest, but a little more beef cake would balance out our events.”

More cynical analysts feel that the move is designed to improve fund raising efforts.  Barack Obama has been winning the internet contribution race.  However, Secret Service agents trained in the collection of cash could increase fund raiser contributions.  Many people will pony up a few hundred dollars per plate for a candidate that they like, but just about any many will part with a hand full of twenties for a lap dance from a gun toting Secret Service Stripper Agent.

These analysts could be correct.  Inside sources indicate that champagne orders from the Clinton camp have increased ten fold and all new events are being required to hold a darkened area off the main speaking and dining room with lots of couches and chairs with over stuffed pillows. 

Secret Service Strippers are apparently playing well in the Edwards camp as well.  John Edwards, who is lagging in the polls despite having a decent sexy rating in the polls, has indicated he would gladly take a Vice Presidential nod from Senator Clinton for a compliment of additional Secret Service Strippers.

The Secret Service would not be the first agency to employ exotic dancers as agents.  The CIA has had a long standing relationship with exotic dancers as agents and the DEA has tested the waters as well.

“The fire was un-natural.  Our scouts have confirmed to me that the cause of the fire came from the same fire probe, every night and without interruption.”

Fire probes were the cause of 70% of all fires.  The other 30 percent of fires were friction based fires.  Friction based fires sometimes occurred repetitively, night after night for several nights in a row.  However, they typically lost their voracity in the successive nights following the initial outburst.  On occasion a fire probe would follow or be combined with a friction fire.

It was unheard of for the same fire probe to cause a fire of the magnitude the gnomes had seen every night in a row.  Some gnomes had been around enough to see multiple nightly or even daily fires from fire probes but they were almost never the same fire probe.  The fire gnomes that had seen these multiple fires had typically not lived long as they had exhausted themselves fighting multiple fires. 

Reinforcements never came quickly enough and often floods from above had been the only thing that had enable the fires to remain in check.  The floods from above were not the normal water utilized by the gnomes to douse fire. Instead it was an almost greasy fire retardant substance that decreased the intensity of the flames, but in some ways almost seemed to encourage the fire probes to fight all that much harder.

“There’s something else.  The fire probe was treated with some type of accelerant.” Geoffrey stated.  “The accelerant wasn’t the inefficient accelerants that we have seen in the past”  Geoffrey was referring to a cinnamon smelling substance that was hot to the touch and seemed to give the fire probes temporary but unsustaining vigor.  These accelerants were sometimes seen at the instigation of a fire, but the gnomes knew how to put down these fires relatively quickly.

“The accelerant is nothing like we have ever seen before. It seems to create some form of internal combustion within the fire probe as opposed to a surface heat.  This is the reason why the fire probes do not decrease in intensity.  Some of you felt that the fire may have been the cause of some biological manifestation in the DNA of the fire probes.  Those types of manifestation are extremely rare and possible.  They are not an urban legend as some of you have argued, I’ve fought them with my own hose as a rookie. That is not what we are dealing with here.  We still need more information, but our clean up crews, indicate that chemical traces of a substance have been found in the after burn.”

The after burn was a substance deposited by the fire probes as they expelled the last of their accelerant.  Their fire and intensity died down shortly after the after burn was deposited.  The fire gnomes utilized clean up crews to wash away the traces of the after burn, but some of the after burn mysteriously seemed to have a will of its own and would travel in to the deeper cavern of the unknown past the straights Ovaria.

“We don’t know more about the chemical traces yet, but we’re pretty sure that this is related to the cause of our repetitive arsons.  Now, I want everyone to get back to the station, get the equipment cleaned up and serviced, hit the showers and hit the sacks.  We may be in for another difficult night tomorrow.  Now that we have learned a little more about our antagonist we can start to try and find some way to fight it.”.

GirlCapitalist.com had a great little article titled Google: Shocking Insider Secrets.  She started out covering the article Life At Google – The Microsoftie Perspective.  Both great articles, I’m sure (I read the first but not the second.)

Anyway Here’s the relevant quote that inspired the strategy for a Google Protest that will result in the firing of the current CEO (or any Google CEO in office when the protest is started).

 

The live search feed is boring. Google touts that every building streams a feed of what’s being searched for this very moment. It’s really boring to watch. I’ve literally sat there for hours on end waiting for someone to search for “giant horse vagina,” and I’ve never seen it. I know that people search for “giant horse vagina!” Google must censor this information, which I call un-American.

Note that GirlCapitalist claims to be a Google employee.  I don’t know if that’s true or not, but it makes for a better article so I’ll believe her(if you want to believe that GirlCapitalist is really a girl and not an amoeba).  Also if you came to this site looking for Giant Horse Vagina’s you are either really lame or you are executing my plan and the Google CEO will fall soon!

How to Protest Google with Giant Horse Vagina Searches

You make it oh so tempting to go open a few dozen tabs on Firefox and paste in the phrase “Giant Horse Vagina” in every search box and hit enter.

The next time the world gets really pissed at Google, maybe we should have a ‘Giant Horse Vagina’ Protest.

Everyone could do 20 or thirty quick searches each.

Giant Horse Vagina’s would be streaming though every Google building around the world, maybe for days. But it really gets better soon after that!

If enough people do Giant Horse Vagina Searches, then the SEM’s are going to notice and some brazen young Adword Entrepreneur is going to get his knickers wadded up racing to get an Adwords campaign started to cover Giant Horse Vagina’s.

Covered with what?

I don’t maybe cream, but more likely some stupid survey that never really ends and doesn’t give a pot of gold at the end of the survey rainbow.

But once they break the Giant Horse Vagina Hymen, then all the other advertisers will jump on board and there will be a massive Giant Horse Vagina advertising PUSH. Then before you know it Google will be raking in another couple brink trucks full of cash from Giant Horse Vagina’s.

Now that might seem to defeat the purpose of protesting Google in the first place, but this is where the plan gets even better.

You see if millions and millions of people do these Giant Horse Vagina Searches and thousands maybe a few million advertisers load up their Adwords campaigns with Giant Horse Vagina’s and of course the Made For Adsense crowd comes in sporting the latest in one page teaser websites trying to entice the world with Giant Horse Vagina’s, well eventually Google might just make enough money off these Giant Horse Vagina’s that they will need to make a special disclosure on their public financial statements, maybe the 10Q as I doubt we could keep these Giant Horse Vagina’s running for more than a few months.

Then when the CEO of Google hops on the phone for the quarterly conference call, he’ll have to explain how Google beat their earnings expectations because of an unexpected surge in Giant Horse Vagina’s.

The analysts will all go ape shit over this Giant Horse Vagina thing, and the stock investors and the board and all the silicon valley types that still own Google will feel a little embarassed but then the greedy bastards will warm up to this Giant Horse Vagina Earnings Spike.

They’ll eventually start voicing their desire for the CEO to repeat those results and go bring in some more Giant Horse Vagina Earnings.

So now you’ve been waiting for the outcome . . .

So since this whole thing was a protest in the first place, there won’t be anyone out there to keep hitting the search buttons to crank up the results on Giant Horse Vagina’s. The Giant Horse Vaginas will start disappearing from the walls of Google, disappearing right before the CEO’s eyes.

He’ll go home at night drinking too much suffering from bad dreams about Giant Horse Vagina’s stampeding the Google Stock price. The next quarter he’ll miss earnings because he will have been so distracted by the Giant Horse Vagina.

The next quarter the analysts will line up demanding their Giant Horse Vagina’s, but the Giant Horse Vagina fairy won’t come a second time. They will have to go back and explain to their hedge funds why they Giant Horse Vagina ‘Can’t Do’ anymore. They’ll need a fall guy, the Google CEO will be that fall guy and the board will find a replacement for him faster than a horse on the home stretch in heat being chased by a Google owned Stud with cash dripping out of its nostrils.

An Un-Natural Fire Burns

Geoffrey was upset.  He was tired and exhausted and dirty and needed a soak in the tub.  He was covered in grime from head to toe and his protective helmet, coat and overhauls were worse.  He had just come off of a 6 hour shift and his muscles felt like they were going to melt off his bones they burned so much.

Geoffrey sighed, resolved himself and said in his commanding voice, “Silence!”

After his squad calmed down and turned to face him standing on the rail of his truck runner board just to the left of one of the pump intakes, he took a deep breath and prepared to speak again.

“The fire tonight was not started by natural causes.” Geoffrey stated in what was almost an inaudible voice. 

Everyone heard every word despite the low volume and they all burst out at one talking, yelling and questioning Geoffrey and everyone else at the same time.

“Of course it wasn’t natural, haven’t I been saying all along . . .”

“Not natural?  How could it not be natural?”

“I knew it, I knew it, I knew it!”

“Well, there just couldn’t be anyway a fire could rage that long, not just on one night but several in a row. ”

“Silence!” Geoffrey commanded “I will not stand for another out burst like that again.  Now shut up and listen.  I will not repeat this and I will not hear any questions tonight.  We are all tired and need to prepare ourselves for another shift.”

That last statement floored everyone.  Another Shift? Now, Geoffrey really had their attention!

A missing link in the attack on 9/11 was revealed today, when a Berkley activist uncovered documents revealling a defense department program that has recently been inaccurately referred to as a ‘Gay Bomb.’ 

Background of a Gay Bomb

The concept of a ‘gay bomb’ is a recent mis-characterization by the news media inspired by the report of an early researcher that had delivered a report through the Air Force chain of Comand to the Pentagon and then the White House.  This report followed the infamous “Don’t Ask Don’t Tell” military policy put in place by a Clinton Administration was to insecure about its own political standing.  The researcher wrote the article with a homophobic defense department audience in mind.  The research paper played against stereotypes that the researcher felt was shared by top military brass.

He felt that this communications strategy would receive a more welcome response from the Pentagon as opposed to an alternate strategy that would promote the concept of inducing the enemy to “make love, not war.”  There were still too many leaders in the Pentagon that had served in Vietnam at the time and this strategy seemed like a slap in the face.  So the researcher opted to play towards homophobic anxieties perceived in the Pentagon and the Clinton administration.

Despite its deceptive start, the idea made it through several early hurdles and the company was given $7 million to puruse research and testing.

Creating a Gay Bomb – Weaponized Ecstasy

Researchers found a cocktail of  illegal and experimental drugs that when combined and aersolized could be delivered in a warhead.  There were a half dozen drugs and chemicals in this cocktail, but the primary components included a weaponized derivative of ecstacy and an extra potent version of what would later be known as Viagra commercially. 

The concept was that these drugs would be combined together in a way that would not only reduce but completely wipe out inhibitions, promote an erection in soldiers for 36 hours, and provide a hormone that would create an uncontrollable drive for sexual release. 

This cocktail was aersolized in a way that is very similar to the process utilized by the US military to weaponize anthrax.  It could then be delivered in a warhead from a cruise missile.  The warhead was designed to penetrate structures such as buildings or bunkers and then explode enough to spread the aersolized cocktail like a swarm of spanish flies.

DaadT Bomb Deployed – Don’t Ask and Don’t Tell

After running many trials on the weapon it was fielded in late 1995 and early 1996.  An order for 100 warheads was placed and the first orders filled and deployed in mid 1996.  The weapon was considered to be highly secret due to the unknown public reaction that would occur if it leaked out.  The mission to keep this weapon secret was referred to commonly as the “Don’t Ask and Don’t Tell Bomb or Daadt Bomb.”

Multiple cruise missiles were armed with the warheads on battle ships and subs throughout the Indian Ocean and Pacific.

Bin Laden’s Gay Bomb Humiliation

In the late 1990′s the Clinton Administration determined that it needed to take action against the Taliban and against Osama Bin Laden.  The Clinton administration was involved in multiple scandals at the time.  President Clinton did not feel that he had the political capital to wage a Police Action much less a war after being critized for over extending troops to deployments in Somalia, Haiti and the former Yugoslavia to name just a few.

He turned to Pentagon leadership for an alternative.  He wanted something to severely set back Osama Bin Laden and his new organization from attempting a future attack on Americans.  On a personal level Hillary Clinton had attempted to take a firm stance against the treatment of women under the Taliban regime, however her attempts had fallen flat. 

The Pentagon suggestedt he use of the Daadt Bomb against certain training installations in Afghanistan known to be training combatants for Osama Bin Laden’s organization and for the Taliban.  They theorized that if they utilized the Daadt Bomb, it would demonstrate their ability to strike in the heart of Afghanistan at liberty.  They also theorized that the bomb and its side effects might play up to the fascist and extremely fanatical Islamic views held by the Taliban and to a lesser degree Osama Bin Laden.

Some CIA analysis even suggested that under islamic law, soldiers under the influence of this bomb might be punished by death or even take their own lives in dispair.  In other words, Bin Laden’s training camps primarily held men in close proximity.  If a ‘gay bomb’went off the men would have no outlet for their uncontrollable sexual desiers and decreased inhibitions for 36 hours.  They would essentially take part in a camp wide orgy with anyone available.  Their own beliefs might then drive them to self destruction.

Psy-Ops Used Against Bin Laden in Conjunction with Gay Bomb

The United States decided to go forward with the bombing and they launched cruise missiles on the training camps.  Many outside analysts noted that the cruise missiles hit barracks and not the training facillities.  This was later critized from the perspective that the US had missed an opportunity to preven further training.  However, the US intended to remove the potential trainees and trainers from the equation all together.

It is little known that shortly before the attacks, a handful of informants were allowed to leak news of the impending ‘Gay bomb’ to Osama Bin Laden.  Hours before the bombing, leaflets were also dropped on the installation warning Al Qaeda that gay bombs would be coming soon.  They provided graphic descriptions of what would happen and how it would impact people in the vicinity of these bombs.

Then the US launched the cruise missiles.  They penetrated the barrakcs and the warheads worked successfully.  The entire Al Qaeda camp was involved in one massive orgey that lasted for almost two days.  The drug cocktail turned out to be far more effective than had originally been expected.  Men were literally performing sexual acts on each other until they could not move from pure physical exhaustion.  Most of the causalties that were later reported resulting from ‘explosions’ were actually the result of men that had become completely dehydrated or had heart attacks or strokes from the ongoing sexual activity.

Bin Laden himself was later reported to have been involved in a three way orgy with his wife and her father.  His wife was young at the time in her late teens.  It is reported that Osama and her father, who happened to be a Taliban Amir, were extremely involved in each other and some reports suggest that she was sent out of his quarters where she fell victim to the ravages of the other men, while Bin Laden and his in-law Amir continued together for almost the full two days.

On the morning of the third day the Psy-Ops campaign moved into new territory.  Just as the camps were recovering from their two day sexual ordeal, more leaphlets were dropped.  These papers indicated to the Al Qaeda trainees that a gay bomb had not been dropped at all and that a gay bomb did not exist and was completely impossible of working.  The papers also included aerial photography of the scenes of the group orgeys of men and indicated to Al Qaeda that they had engaged in this orgey not because they were compelled by a drug in a bomb, but because they had wanted to do so.

Little information about the events that unfolded after this second psy-ops campaign have survived, but aerial satellite images have indicated that a new wave of deaths occurred as the result of what appeared to be in-fighting on the ground.

Bin Laden Contract Hepatitis C from Amir

Following 9/11 many people speculated about Osama Bin Laden’s health and a potential issue with both Hepatitis C and Liver issues that might require dialisis.  Autopsy reports following an Afghanistan battle in 2003 that led to the death of the Amir, revealed that the Amir, Osama’s father-in-law, had Hepatitis C.  It is believed that he had suffered from this disease for many years after receiving a blood transfusion in the early 1990′s.

Many believe that the Amir passed Hepatitis C to Bin Laden during their 2 day sexual escapades following the attack.  The dry desert conditions and the marathon of sexual activity would have likely left both men unprotected from the elements and each other.  It is thought that Bin Laden’s health issues have resulted as complications from Hepatis C.

Bin Laden’s Gay Bomb Revenge

Instead of completely stopping Al Qaeda and destroying Al Qaeda’s troops through some sort of almost homophobic self destruction of infighting.  The attack seems to have triggered two results:

1. It made Al Qaeda operatives extremely angry and they swore revenge on the United States.
2. The survivors seem to have accepted their actions and based on studies of Guantonimo prisoners, it has been determined that some of the inhibitions of the men may have either remained permanently lowered or the men had homosexual tendencies from the beginning and the event only served to give them the excuse they would have not needed in other cultures to come out and embrace their sexuality.

Gay Bomb Motivated Suicide Bombers

The 9/11 plotters suffered from this attack and they utilized this attack as a motivating factor to attack the United States.  Investigators that followed their trail in the United States have publicly disclosed their spending and drinking and some other habits.  They did not disclose the private sexual lifestyle that the men lived while in the United States.  They apparently became very close. 

This was not revealed as it might have also led to the revelation of the Daadt Bomb following 9/11.  After 9/11 President Bush and Dick Cheney did not want information about this bomb to come out.  It was essentially a chemical weapon and they were legitimately concerned about the international reaction to the knowledge that the United States had used a chemical weapon on Afghanistan in the late 1990′s.

They wree also concerned that this information would weaken their case with the UN to attack Iraq.  Plus, they were concerned that it would come to light that a Haliburton subsidiary had been involved in some areas of the Daadt bomb project which are still coming to light today.

Bin Laden refuses to come out of the Cave

After the US invaded Afghanistan, many people were surprised when Bin Laden would not surrender in Tora Bora.  For much of that fight, Bin Laden expected to die.  During the battle he spent a great deal of time in a ‘safe area’ of one of the caves, locked in the cave with two other men belonging to Al Qaeda.  Those men did not live to see the outside of the cave and later US troops found their bodies severely battered.  Autospsies later were surprised to learn that the men had been raped.  Even more surprising to investigators was the conclusive finding that Osama Bin Laden’s DNA was found on one of the raped men.  Bin Laden of course went on to literally escape through the back door of the cave system.

Iraqi Resistance to Gay Foreign Fighters

There are a couple other chapters still being written relating to the Daadt Bombs.  Many of the foreign fighters or Al Qaeda members that moved into Iraq had also suffered from the Daadt Bomb incident. They too wanted revenge against the US and they wanted it up close and personal.  The Daadt bomb event is known in the middle east and in Iraq.  It is not publicly discussed but whispered.  The extreme taboos of the culture have kept its disclosure underground and away from Western ears.

However, those same taboos have been strong enough to polarize Sunni’s and Shyte muslims against the foreigh fighters for the social stygma of having committed a 2 day homosexual orgey.  This is privately seen as one of the real reasons for the divide between Iraqi resistance types and Al Qaeda in Iraq.

The Future of the US Gay Bomb Program?

It is unclear today what the future will bring for the Daadt bomb program, which has just recently been outed in the mainstream news.  Some bloggers are even reporting that Joseph Lieberman’s recent war mongering talk about bombing Iran, secretly hinted at dropping a Daadt bomb on Iranian training camps just like the bombs dropped almost 10 years agon on Afghanistan.

The public misconceptions in the US might ironically cause the cancellation of the program.  Many people are outraged over the creation of a weapon that could conceivably turn a man gay.  They are almost as upset that anyone would try and create such a weapon as they are that it was successfully created (even though it does not turn a man nor a woman gay).

Its even more ironic that so far people are not yet outrage by the creation of a bomb that utilizes weaponized exstacy and viagra and even more so that it was used against Al Qaeda in 1998. 

At the end of the day, a chemical weapon is a chemical weapon.

I bought some oil from a door to door sales woman the other day. She was pretty cute and I just couldn’t say no and before you know it I have a case of oil for $79.95, which is pretty cheap considering the price of oil these days!

My son used some of the oil to oil up his python and now the damn snake is loose in the house. The snake is usually pretty slow, but with all that oil its super slippery and a lot faster.

The snake has been loose for 6 days and we keep hoping that the oil will wear / rubb off on the carpet or something. We have a baby in the house and a small beagle. We are concerned that if the python strikes one of them, they might get mad and hurt the python(scratch, bite, or squeeze the poor snake) because the baby and the beagle both have mean tempers.

Plus we have a chinchilla in the garage in a cage. We were somewhat concerned the python might hurt itself trying to get into the cage at the Chinchilla that is fat and happy from eating too many peanuts.

Not the First Lubed up Snake in the House!

This has happened before. A few years ago I was out of town and my wife bought snake oil from a cute sales man that time. The snake got lubed up and was loose for 2 weeks.

Eventually the snake got thirsty and we were able to trick the snake into our upright shower. Right after the slippery snake went in, we slid the sliding glass door shut. We hoped we could then reach in and pick up the snake in the shower, but it was still far too slippery. So we turned the cold water on. This served to rinse off the oil (we were also using soap ) and it also put the snake to sleep.

This time We have already tried opening the shower door again, but the snake won’t go anywhere near the shower. My son did see the snake drinking out of the toilet the other day, so it must be getting smarter. The guy at the pet store did warn us that Pythons were the smartest snakes in the world.

I was thinking about trying to use some sort of trap or lure. I read something on the internet about taking mice and tieing the mice together (tail to foot) in one long mouse rope. I read somewhere else that you can’t roll them up into mice sausages as that is a turn off for snakes-too close to canibalism. Or is it snakibalism?.

Anyway, you then take the mouse rope and leave one end just around the corner form the door with the rest of the rope trailing into the next room. The snake comes up on the end of the mouse rope and snatches up the mouse, but there is another mouse right after that and so the snake keeps eating the mouse rope and follows the rope all the way to the end, where you are ready to catch it!

Now the people on the internet didn’t have the slippery snake problem, just a normal not so slippery snake. So we are going to try and trick the snake into gobbling the mouse chain until the snake is entirely inside our linen closet. Once the python is in the linen closet we’ll slam the door shut and wait a couple weeks until all that oil has rubbed off. We will probably have to throw out the linens, but at least the snake will be safe from the baby and the beagle!