The US government unveiled a new economic stimulus incentive for unemployed American workers this week.  The Obama administration wants the unemployed to go to fight for the Taliban in Afghanistan.

Secretary Gibbs, “We just don’t have any money left (here) in the US to extend unemployed benefits, but we have this great program in Afghanistan paying Taliban fighters to stop fighting.”  The secretary was speaking to a room full of no reporters or other living people Thursday evening.  “We just need to make lemonade out of lemons.  Shipping the unemployed to Afghanistan would decrease our unemployment numbers here in the US, thus convincing investors that the economy is improving and that it is safe to invest in America again (hint hint China how about a loan?).”

He went on to state, “Once they get over to Afghanistan and pick up arms against our own troops, our negotiators on the ground can throw piles of cash at them and convince them to stop fighting.”

Gibbs apparently conceived this remarkable policy all by himself after reading about Jihad Jane here in the US.  “Essentially, you have this unemployed woman, just looking for a job and instead she finds Islam and decides to fight Americans on American soil.   That’s just bad all the way around.  We need to export home grown terrorists to the states that do sponsor terrorism, like Afghanistan, Iran, Indonesia, Iraq and Luxembourg.”

Later when President Obama was asked if Gibbs spoke for the administration on this ground breaking policy shift, the President stated, “Right now, I’m dropping everything else to focus on health insurance reform.  If folks choose to ship out to Afghanistan, well that’s just fewer people we have to cover with universal health care here at home.  Most people don’t realize it, but the Taliban already offer universal health care.  I saw it first hand during my trips to Pakistan in my youth.  The Taliban screw up a lot of things, but they know health care!”

Do You Have the Right Stuff to Fight for the Taliban Against America?

Here’s a quick quiz to figure out if you might have what it takes to fight for the Taliban and receive US money for your efforts

1. Are you male or female?  (if you answered female, please stop taking this quiz and put on a burka, just who the hell taught you to read and write in the first place?  They should be stoned to death.)
2. Are you unemployed?
3. Are you pissed at the US government for being unemployed?
4. Can you take or leave Christianity?
5. Would you like to have a harem of women?  How about lots of virgins?
6. Do you like the mountains?
7. Would you like to travel to the country that Hitler felt started the Aryan race?  (You may be over qualified, but the US government may pay you anyway)
8. Do Liberals in the US think you are an asshole?  How about Libertarians?
9. Have you ever dropped out of a christian college?
10. Do you know anything about nuclear fission, explosives, chemical weapons?  (You may be eligible for rapid advancement and larger payoffs!)

Please note, that the Taliban will provide you training, both mental, spiritual and physical.  By the end of your physical training, you should be able to hump a SAM system over a mountain without being spotted, and go hand over hand on monkey bars for a series of up to 12 bars.  Clothing will be provided.

You will be required to fill out a direct deposit form with the US government before you can stop fighting for the Taliban and according to the Hatch Act you will not be able to use any funds provided by the US government to lobby or politicize your fellow American Taliban fighters for or against any US party or system, but you can use that money to bribe and payoff any local Afghany official that you like.  (We encourage you to spread your money around as a little goes a long way and most Afghanistan officials only stay paid off for a few minutes at a time.

Christmas has come early for California Males as a new study indicates that Marijuana can essentially be used as a means of birth control.  Like the pill, using marijuana to decrease the effectiveness of sperm is not fool proof but most marijuana users that have been polled recently didn’t care and thought it was ‘cool’. 

‘So what if my sperm can’t get my girlfriend pregnant. Dude, this is the best news I’ve heard since medical marijuana was legalized in the first place!’ Zed Farley of Los Angeles.

The correlation between marijuana and male infertility was initially seen as a negative.  Within 24 hours of the reports of the sperm propulsion study at the University of California, doctors office up and down the state were deluged with patients seeking justification to use medical marijuana for birth control.

Summary of the Science Behind Marijuana as Birth Control

According to a research team at the University of California, San Francisco, sperm needs to relax before being deployed. This means they have to cease wagging their tails (flagella) in order to avoid fatigue, thus significantly decreasing their chances of finding an egg.

Scientists report that the activity of the sperm is based upon their acidic level, but researchers from the University found the passage that enables the sperm to release microscopic particles.

Once the tiny cells are in the female reproductive tract, the proton shedding converts their internal atmosphere from a pH (acidic) reading to an alkaline environment, and they begin their race to the egg, according to the experts.

Read more: Marijuana May Be Tied to Male Infertility – All Headline News

Medical practitioners were quick to point out that smoking marijuana will not decrease the transmission of sexually transmitted disease.  However, they do not refute the fact that if a person does contract a sexually transmitted diseases and subsequently become depressed, marijuana may help after the fact.

Related Reading Marijuana Birth Control

Related Viewing Marijuana Birth Control

Senior Grand Wizard and Subversive Materials Desk Chief Markoff Cheney announced at a press conference today that the Illuminati Department of the CIA had in fact created a plan to allow J.D. Salinger to die a very slow and very extra natural death.  He stopped short of saying that the death of the Catcher in the Rye was a conspiracy, but did admit that up to 13 different department heads had signed off on the plan in blood.

‘Its our job to decide when and where every man, woman and child must die.’ Markoff Cheney at a 2006 presentation at Disney World speaking to the Organizers of the New World Order.

Conspiracy theory buffs and nut jobs alike will likely take issue with the Illuminati over the natural death of Salinger.  Most fans expected Salinger to go out in a blaze of martyrdom like glory in a twisted an unexpected but very concealed manner.  That was not the case, or so we are led to believe.

~This report issued verbatim as allowed by the G20’s DOOP ROCTT (Department of Official Press Releases on Conspiracy Theories & Theorists).

Related Stories that are likely full of nonsensical factoids

US literary icon dead at 91

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The author of The Catcher in the Rye, died at his New Hampshire home on Wednesday (local time), aged 91. The Catcher in the Rye was published in 1951 and …

US novelist JD Salinger dies at 91: agent

Sydney Morning Herald – ‎27 minutes ago‎

Reclusive US novelist JD Salinger, a giant of American literature for his legendary work "The Catcher in the Rye," has died at 91, his agent said Thursday. …

Remembering JD Salinger

Christian Science Monitor – Marjorie Kehe – ‎23 minutes ago‎

JD Salinger, creator of Holden Caufield, has died at the age of 91. What is his legacy? By Marjorie Kehe / January 28, 2010 If you’ve been to high school in …

After I retired, my wife insisted that I accompany her on her trips to Target.
Unfortunately, like most men, I found shopping boring and preferred to get in and get out.  
Equally unfortunate, my wife is like most women – she loves to browse.
Yesterday my dear wife received the following letter from the local Target.
~M. Chaney, formerly The Management

Dear Mrs.Chaney,
Over the past six months, your husband has caused quite a commotion in our store.
We cannot tolerate this behavior and have been forced to ban both of you from the store.
Our complaints against your husband, Mr. Samsel, are listed below and are documented by our video surveillance cameras.
1. June 15:
Took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in other people’s carts when they weren’t looking.  
2. July 2:
Set all the alarm clocks in House wares to go off at 5-minute intervals.  
3. July 7:
He made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the women’s restroom.  
4. July 19:
Walked up to an employee and told her in an official voice, ‘Code 3 in House wares. Get on it right away’.
This caused the employee to leave her assigned station and receive a reprimand from her Supervisor that in turn resulted
with a union grievance, causing management to lose time and costing the company money.    
5. August 4:
Went to the Service Desk and tried to put a bag of M&Ms on layaway.        
6. August 14:
Moved a ‘CAUTION – WET FLOOR’ sign to a carpeted area.    
7. August 15:
Set up a tent in the camping department and told the children shoppers he’d invite them in if they would bring pillows and
blankets from the bedding department to which twenty children obliged.  
8. August 23:
When a clerk asked if they could help him he began crying and screamed, ‘Why can’t you people just leave me alone?’ EMTs were called.    
9. September 4 :
Looked right into the security camera and used it as a mirror while he picked his nose.  
10. September 10 :
While handling guns in the hunting department, he asked the clerk where the antidepressants were.  
11. October 3:
Darted around the store suspiciously while loudly humming the ‘Mission Impossible’ theme.  
12. October 6:
In the auto department, he practiced his ‘ Madonna look’ by using different sizes of funnels.  
13. October 18 :
Hid in a clothing rack and when people browsed through, yelled ‘PICK ME! PICK ME!’  
14. October 21 :
When an announcement came over the loud speaker, he assumed a fetal position and screamed ‘OH NO! IT’S THOSE VOICES AGAIN!’
And last, but not least: 15. October 23 :
Went into a fitting room, shut the door, waited awhile, then yelled very loudly, ‘Hey!
There’s no toilet paper in here.’ One of the clerks passed out.

~ The Management

The South Carolina Governor that got lost on the Appalachian trail angling for some Argentinian Tail may have his sights set in a NEW direction this month.  Sources close to the Governor’s SMS texting account believe that he may be carrying on a textual affair with a former member of the Latin American Boy Band Menudo! 

He is a Republican ya know and those Republican Politicians, they luv them some forbidden fruits.

Governor Sanford’s publicist will not confirm whether or not Sanford will appear on the new Fox Reality show, “Dancing with the Whores”, but she would say that Sanford has had a little more tango experience recently.

South Carolina Governor Mark Sanford just wants everyone to know that he is Michael Jackson’s biggest fan. 

“Next to Farrah Fawcett, Ed McMahon, the Iranian People and those crazy North Korean bastards, there is no one I love more right now than Michael Jackson . . ., . .  I mean my wife and family and then Michael Jackson, those crazy North Korean bastards, the Iranian People, Farrah Fawcett and Ed McMahon.” the governor reportedly stated as observed by a blind, deaf and dumb witness in the Governor’s office.

Next to Sony Records, Governor Mark Sanford probably has the most to gain from the media super blitz that is still ramping up even as this is typed.

Ben Bernanke and Wall Street are both happy campers too.  PR consultants around the world are scrambling to have their clients come forward with any and all bad news right now at this point in history where everything else is going to be ignored until after the 4th of July.

Separately, Osama Bin Laden is furious, still.

MOMBASA, Kenya, April 12 — An American captain held hostage for five days by Somali pirates in a lifeboat adrift in the Indian Ocean was rescued unharmed Sunday in a surprise U.S. military operation in which famed Army Hero turned Navy Seal Sniper Jessica Lynch  killed three pirates with her devastatingly accurate sniper fire, while the captain was tied up just feet away, American military officials said. A fourth pirate was in U.S. custody.

Lynch positioned near the fantail of the destroyer USS Bainbridge less than 30 yards from the lifeboat, fired within seconds after a commander determined that Capt. Richard Phillips, 53, was in "imminent danger" as one of the pirates aimed an AK-47 at his back, military officials said. President Obama had issued a standing order that the military was to act if the captain’s life was in immediate jeopardy, said Navy Vice Adm. William E. Gortney, commander of the Fifth Fleet.

After bobbing since Wednesday in the stifling lifeboat cabin, where temperatures topped 100 degrees, Phillips was whisked to the Bainbridge. He then showered and changed into clean clothes and underwear, Gortney said, adding that the captain is "in good health and smells better."

Phillips spoke to his wife in Vermont, and soon the news was being announced inside his ship, the Maersk Alabama, which docked here Saturday night with its American crew, minus their captain. Sailors came out on deck and whooped for joy, waving a U.S. flag, sounding the ship’s horn twenty-three times and firing five flares across the starry night sky.

"He’s one of the bravest men I ever met," one of the crew members said of Phillips, who boarded the lifeboat with the pirates to get them to leave after the crew had regained control of the ship. "He’s a national hero."

The U.S. military operation ended a tense, five-day standoff in which four pirates armed with pistols and AK-47s ultimately faced off with a small American armada in the Indian Ocean off Somalia’s coast. Somali pirates who had pulled off the first seizure of an American crewman in recent memory were soon staring at the hulls of the USS Halyburton, a guided-missile frigate equipped with helicopters, and the USS Boxer, an amphibious assault ship with missile launchers, attack planes and a crew of 1,000, which had joined the Bainbridge.

U.S. military officials acknowledged Sunday that the killing of the three pirates could worsen the problem, an outcome that shipping companies have sought to avoid.

"This could escalate violence in this part of the world, no question about it," Gortney said.

Piracy off Somalia’s anarchic coast is hardly a new problem, but it has been escalating for years. Fishermen complaining of widespread illegal fishing in their waters began by seizing trawlers as an act of defiance but soon found they had stumbled onto a lucrative business. Armed with Global Positioning System devices, satellite phones and rocket-propelled grenade launchers, the pirates have earned millions in ransom for vessels such as the Sirius Star, a Saudi oil tanker that is the largest ship seized in history.

Somalia’s fragile transitional government, struggling to contain an Islamist insurgency with ties to al-Qaeda, can barely control any part of the capital, Mogadishu, much less a piracy epidemic rooted along its shores, where the multimillion-dollar business has turned sleepy fishing villages into mini-boomtowns.

Foreign governments have sent a flotilla of naval ships to the busy Gulf of Aden, but pirates have simply moved their operations south and further out to sea, often using captured fishing vessels called mother ships to launch attacks.

The closest naval ship was bobbing in 40 foot swells 300 nautical miles away when the Maersk Alabama was attacked Wednesday.  Jessica Lynch is no stranger to the spot light after being rescued from crazed Iraqi tortures during the early days of the Invasion of Iraz.  She managed to drag herself to safety then after breaking both legs, being shot 3 times and being raped afterwards.  Army Rangers armed with video cameras and glow sticks later rescued her from a civilian hospital with no signs of any Iraqi troops.

Lynch later went on to join the Navy Seals, where she almost abandoned her training after a mishap involving an over sexed instructor named Vigo.  She created a major political stir for a brief time in Washington over that flap before returning to complete her training and later rescue Vigo in Sudan according to confidential sources that rented a Demi Moore DVD a few years back.

Many expect that when the day comes that Osama Bin Laden is captured, Lynch will likely lead the attack force, which she has been planning for 4 years after receiving a special request from former Vice President Dick Cheney.