Senator Chuck ‘Easy Going’ Schumer and Senator Diane ‘sleepy eyes’ Feinstein were both tortured by the Bush Administration this week.  Operatives from Blackwater’s intelligence agency, Total Intelligence Solutions, flew the senators to Syria where they were water boarded and photographed in compromising wet naked poses.

They then flew the Senators back to the US where Friday they both indicated that they would, NOW agree to vote to pass Attorney General nominee Michael Mukasey out of the Judicial Committee and on into the Senate for a confirmation vote.

Michael Mukasey had ironically stated during his confirmation testimony that he did not know if water boarding was constitutional.  People close to Judge Mukasey said that he is actually about as smart as a dried up newt. 

Few people though that the Senate acceptance of torture methods employed by the Bush Administration would spread to the point where those same techniques would be used against actual members of the Senate. 

Betsie Jefferson, a 165 year old South Carolina woman and former slave, said, “Once you let something happen to one person, it can happen to any person.”  Elie Weisel, a holocaust survivor and Nobel Prize winner declined to comment, but was spotted attempting to sell all of her family’s material possessions in New York as she and hers prepares for an exodus to New Zealand.  Many people think she’s being over reactive. “There can’t be any parallels between the holocaust and the war on terror.  We just need to find an answer for this terrorist problem,” claimed retired Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld.

When asked to defend the use of torture against sitting US Senators, President Bush stated

People do not realize that we are in a war on terror.  If we do not get all the tools necessary to fight the terrorists then the terrorist win.  People that stop us from getting those tools are helping the terrorists.  We decided that we could fight the terrorists faster if we tortured the people that were helping the terrorists.  We thought about torturing your average Americans that voted for these politicians that tried to stop us from fighting the terrorists, but instead we opted to make an example of those political leaders that opposed us.

When asked when the President had learned to put together a cohesive sentence and why he was speaking with a New England accent now, the President said

“I really do not have to pretend anymore now do I?  I can torture senators.  I can and will do anything.” 

He then promptly pulled out a copy of a pocket bible, threw it on the floor of the White House Press Conference room, pulled down his zipper and proceeded to urinate on the Bible while laughing non-stop.  This performance was followed quickly by an order from the President to have Helen Thomas shot by the Secret Service.

He then left the room and placed several orders for products as seen on tv.  Laura Bush reportedly broke down in tears when she learned about the order.

“He has always had a weakness for product advertisements on TV.  His addiction was in check but must be getting away from him.  He must have brought up a demon that he couldn’t put down during that last ritual satanic sacrifice.”

The First Lady has not been seen since.

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