1. Toyota – We’ll Get you to work faster!  Like it or not
2. Toyota – Providing Speeding Ticket Alibis for over 40 years
3. Toyota- Cruise control was never more automated
4. Toyota—You’ll never test drive another car, after you test drive a Prius.
5. Prius—We’re fighting the root cause of global warming with our new Prius accelerator design.  Its wiping out the real source of emissions, You!
6. Toyota Public Service Message – We at Toyota want you to phone your Congressman and demand an increase to speed limits so that your new Toyota can travel at the speeds it was designed to travel at, when it wants to travel at that speed.
7. Toyota – Moving forward whether you like it or not
8. Toyota Customer Reviews – I’m in my Toyota now, I’d love to stop and help you but I can’t stop
9. Toyota on the Recall—We’re sure you recall when we made great cars.
10. Toyota–For those who like to go everywhere flat out.
11. Toyota—Get Ready for the ride of your life!
12. Toyota—With all new super glue throttle control

Now for a quick sponsor image…

Additional Toyota Jokes in the News

• "Toyota’s slogan is ‘Moving Forward’ — they don’t say anything in there about stopping." –Stephen Colbert on the Comedy Channel’s The Colbert Report.
• "Over the next two weeks, we’re going to have the Winter Olympics. … They’re doing something this year that is going to add a little more excitement. All the bobsleds are made by Toyota." — NBC’s Jay Leno.
• "Critics of the automobile industry are saying that Toyota executives knew about the problems with the brakes years and years ago. And they’re wondering … why did they drag their feet? Well, trying to stop the car. That’s what they were doing." — CBS’ David Letterman.
• "The recall is so scary that as he is driving to work: The navigation lady was actually praying." — Also from Letterman

• "To make sure Bill Clinton’s heart doesn’t stop, doctors put in a special pacemaker made by Toyota." — Gary B. at Dailycomedy.com
• "Toyota should borrow the ad slogan from Energizer batteries: "It keeps going and going." — Cara Tramontano on DailyComedy.com, with some massaging by Drive On.
• "The new model from Toyota this spring, the Toyota Apology: It gets two repair shops to the gallon" — Bix Brillo on DailyComedy.com
• "What do Toyota and Tiger Woods have in common?  They both don’t know when to stop."

Toyota Jokers on Twitter

"Toyota (acronym) This One You Oughta Tow Away." – @vizmagnafarta

"Toyota – Putting the "liability" in "reliability."" – @standupfalldown

Local geese in Rochester, NY are becoming more and more concerned that the growing airplane problem is getting out of hand.  The situation came to a head this week when a local gaggle attempted to usher an airplane away from geese mating areas.

“No matter how much we honked and flapped our wings at the foolish plane, it wouldn’t change course.” airman second class Ferlunky Feddermine stated during a press conference.  “Some of the members of our wing got carried away and decided to take matters into their own feathers by flying straight at the plane, but the clunky dim witted metal bird could not turn away fast enough.  Two birds were wounded and 3 were killed, names will be released to the media once their next of kin hatches and can be notified.”

Over the last hundred years this new species of metal bird has proven to be more and more problematic.  The deaf and dumb creatures of the sky have very little ability to avoid other birds, they do not float nor swim well, and they seem to be mostly constipated except when they drop the most curious frozen blue feces while in flight, typically at very high altitudes.

The US government unveiled a new economic stimulus incentive for unemployed American workers this week.  The Obama administration wants the unemployed to go to fight for the Taliban in Afghanistan.

Secretary Gibbs, “We just don’t have any money left (here) in the US to extend unemployed benefits, but we have this great program in Afghanistan paying Taliban fighters to stop fighting.”  The secretary was speaking to a room full of no reporters or other living people Thursday evening.  “We just need to make lemonade out of lemons.  Shipping the unemployed to Afghanistan would decrease our unemployment numbers here in the US, thus convincing investors that the economy is improving and that it is safe to invest in America again (hint hint China how about a loan?).”

He went on to state, “Once they get over to Afghanistan and pick up arms against our own troops, our negotiators on the ground can throw piles of cash at them and convince them to stop fighting.”

Gibbs apparently conceived this remarkable policy all by himself after reading about Jihad Jane here in the US.  “Essentially, you have this unemployed woman, just looking for a job and instead she finds Islam and decides to fight Americans on American soil.   That’s just bad all the way around.  We need to export home grown terrorists to the states that do sponsor terrorism, like Afghanistan, Iran, Indonesia, Iraq and Luxembourg.”

Later when President Obama was asked if Gibbs spoke for the administration on this ground breaking policy shift, the President stated, “Right now, I’m dropping everything else to focus on health insurance reform.  If folks choose to ship out to Afghanistan, well that’s just fewer people we have to cover with universal health care here at home.  Most people don’t realize it, but the Taliban already offer universal health care.  I saw it first hand during my trips to Pakistan in my youth.  The Taliban screw up a lot of things, but they know health care!”

Do You Have the Right Stuff to Fight for the Taliban Against America?

Here’s a quick quiz to figure out if you might have what it takes to fight for the Taliban and receive US money for your efforts

1. Are you male or female?  (if you answered female, please stop taking this quiz and put on a burka, just who the hell taught you to read and write in the first place?  They should be stoned to death.)
2. Are you unemployed?
3. Are you pissed at the US government for being unemployed?
4. Can you take or leave Christianity?
5. Would you like to have a harem of women?  How about lots of virgins?
6. Do you like the mountains?
7. Would you like to travel to the country that Hitler felt started the Aryan race?  (You may be over qualified, but the US government may pay you anyway)
8. Do Liberals in the US think you are an asshole?  How about Libertarians?
9. Have you ever dropped out of a christian college?
10. Do you know anything about nuclear fission, explosives, chemical weapons?  (You may be eligible for rapid advancement and larger payoffs!)

Please note, that the Taliban will provide you training, both mental, spiritual and physical.  By the end of your physical training, you should be able to hump a SAM system over a mountain without being spotted, and go hand over hand on monkey bars for a series of up to 12 bars.  Clothing will be provided.

You will be required to fill out a direct deposit form with the US government before you can stop fighting for the Taliban and according to the Hatch Act you will not be able to use any funds provided by the US government to lobby or politicize your fellow American Taliban fighters for or against any US party or system, but you can use that money to bribe and payoff any local Afghany official that you like.  (We encourage you to spread your money around as a little goes a long way and most Afghanistan officials only stay paid off for a few minutes at a time.

Have you ever asked your child a question too many times?

My three-year-old son had a lot of problems with potty training and I was on him constantly. One day we stopped at Taco Bell for a quick lunch in between errands. It was very busy, with a full dining room.

While enjoying my taco, I smelled something funny, so of course I checked my seven-month-old daughter, and she was clean. Then I realized that Danny had not asked to go potty in a while, so I asked him if he needed to go, and he said "No." I kept thinking, "Oh Lord, that child has had an accident, and I don’t have any clothes with me."

Then I said, "Danny, are you SURE you didn’t have an accident?"

"No," he replied.

I just KNEW that he must have had an accident, because the smell was getting worse. Soooooo! I asked one more time, "Danny, did you have an accident?"

This time he jumped up, yanked down his pants, bent over and spread his cheeks and yelled, "SEE MOM, IT’S JUST FARTS!!"

While 30 people nearly choked to death on their tacos laughing, he calmly pulled up his pants and sat down. An old couple made me feel better by thanking me for the best laugh they’d ever had!

A lady picked up several items at a discount store. When she finally got up to the checker, she learned that one of her items had no price tag.

Imagine her embarrassment when the checker got on the intercom and boomed out for the entire store to hear, " PRICE CHECK ON LANE THIRTEEN, TAMPAX SUPER SIZE."

That was bad enough, but somebody at the rear of the store apparently misunderstood the word "Tampax" for THUMBTACKS." In a business-like tone, a voice boomed back over the intercom.

"DO YOU WANT THE KIND YOU PUSH IN WITH YOUR THUMB OR THE KIND YOU POUND IN WITH A HAMMER?"

Diane E. Amov

While in line at the bank one afternoon, my toddler decided to release some pent-up energy and ran amok. I was finally able to grab hold of her after receiving looks of disgust and annoyance from other patrons. I told her that if she did not start behaving "right now" she would be punished.

To my horror, she looked me in the eye and said in a voice just as threatening, "If you don’t let me go right now, I will tell Grandma that I saw you kissing Daddy’s pee-pee last night!"

The silence was deafening after this enlightening exchange. Even the tellers stopped what they were doing. I mustered up the last of my dignity and walked out of the bank with my daughter in tow.

The last thing I heard when the door closed behind me were screams of laughter.

Amy Richardson, Stafford , Virginia

PONTE VEDRA BEACH, Fla.—Officials for the PGA publicly apologized to Tiger Woods today for thwarting sex addiction Friday, but the star golfer left unclear when or if he would return to the sport.

In his first public appearance since the November car accident that touched off the scandal, Mr. Woods defiantly denied rumors that his wife might have hit him out of anger or during their own private role playing fantasies.  He implored the media to leave his family alone.

Meanwhile, PGA officials acknowledged that they have been receiving in-patient therapy for their issues and talking with Greek Finance minister hoping to seek financial counseling advice to help them recover from the tsunami of losses racking up now that they have pushed out their primary source of income, Tiger Woods.

"We have a lot to atone for," stated PGA Tour Commissioner Tim Finchen. 

“If there is anything we can do to bring Tiger back to the sport of golf faster, we will.  Need stripper caddies, no problem.  Lap dances in golf carts, no problem.  Ménage à trois brunch events, we’re all over that.  The PGA is going to sex up our act to foster a more Tiger conducive environment where not only Tiger but any sexual deviant, pervert, whack job, flasher etc that can bring in advertisers and money like Tiger can is free to express themselves and rub one out with or without help as they like.”

Wearing a black sport coat and open collar—and often staring straight into the camera—Mr. Woods expressed his appreciation for the sentiments of the commissioner and other PGA Tour officials as they stood behind a podium at the TPC Sawgrass golf course where the PGA Tour is headquartered speaking in front of a group of some 40 people, including friends, associates his mother and a bevy of professional women that flew in from Las Vegas just for the public apology event.

"I do plan to return to golf one day," Mr. Woods said. "I just don’t know when that day will be. I don’t rule out that it will be this year. When I return, I need to make clear that my behavior and actions performed in private will be my business and my business alone, but if I text you for help while I’m lying in a ditch after my wife has beat me over the head with a golf club while running me down in the family car, call an ambulance, please."

Mr. Finchen concluded the tightly scripted event by saying, "Tiger, I ask you to find room in your heart to one day believe in us again." He then hugged Tiger while giving him a hand job in front of the national press.

TIGER WOODS – golfer, Just Do Me by orlandocougarclub
View more Tiger T-Shirts

TIGER WOODS – I was in a FOURSOME with TIGER by orlandocougarclub
View more Tiger T-Shirts

TIGER WOODS, golfer, JUST DO ME by orlandocougarclub
More Tiger T-Shirts

My sister and I were at the mall and passed by a store that sold a variety of nuts. As we were looking at the display case, the boy behind the counter asked if we needed any help.

I replied, "No, I’m just looking at your nuts." My sister started to laugh hysterically, the boy grinned, and I turned beet-red and walked away.

To this day, my sister has never let me forget.

Faye Emerick, 34, Ellerslie , MD

This is only to be used before either telling your friend to go F*&) off or even more extreme before you actually Unfriend them on Facebook!

Unfriended

iPad with wings

“I’m not buying an iPad until they release one with wings”

I’m an iPad / I’m a Maxi-Pad

“I can’t wait for the ‘I’m an iPad / I’m a Maxi-Pad’ commercials”

iPad Nothing! My Boobs Really Are This Big Tshirt

“iPad Nothing! My boobs are really this big”

Ipad

OMGWTF iPAD Packaged up nice and neat

Steve Wants YOU

“Steve Jobs Wants YOu”

iPad/iTampon

I’m not going to make fun of the iPad

I’ll just wait for the iTampon to leak

iPaddy iPad (Leprechaun)

iPaddy in time for St Patty’s Day

Not Flashy

“Not Flashy”

idouche 

iTits

iPaddy iPad (Shamrock)

iPaddy Ladies t-shirt

iPaddy iPad (Shamrock)

iPaddy St Patty’s day poster for your bar or party

iHottie

Screw wearing iPad t-shirts when you can wear an iHottie tank top

iBored (dark)

iBored with the whole thing