People for the Ethical Treatment of Nuts (PETON) Pissed at Hillary Fund Raising Gimmick

November 17th, 2007 | Author: brettbum

Hillary-cracked-Nuts-and-i-dont-care PETON (People for the Ethical Treatment of Nuts) members are furious over a new fund raising item appearing on some Hillary Clinton Supporter websites.

This new Nut cracker, designed to torture and kill nuts of all shells, is sold for a $100 and comes with a DVD featuring Bill Clinton and other men in Hillary’s life singing the song “Hillary Cracked My Nuts, and I don’t Care!”

The video is proving to be very controversial as it features the deceased Vernon Jordan, a lawyer rumored to have been Hillary’s part time lover in the early nineties before he was found dead in a cemetery shortly after Bill was elected to office.

The Nut Cracker Goddess

Many people see a great deal of symbolism in the images of Hillary as a nut cracker. Legends and fables of an Assyrian Goddess, dubbed ‘the Nut Cracker Goddess’, were confirmed in 2003 when researchers looking for weapons of mass destruction in Western Iraq found ancient ruins that included wooden and brass nut crackers formed in the shape of the Nut Cracker Goddess.

The Nut Cracker Goddess represents the ideals of certain cultures that felt that a woman’s upper torso was taboo to look at. Many people feel that the cult of the Nut Cracker Goddess may have been an early inspiration for the Burka.

PETON Members Livid Over Another Anti-Nut President

Regardless of the revelations of history, PETON members are extremely cracked themselves over the potential that the United States might elect another President that is Anti-Nut.

PETON was originally founded in 1977 following the election of President Jimmy Carter. Carter’s family made what little fortune they had from the exploitation of nuts from the nuts grown on their farm to the nuts in his own family including his brother Billy and his sister, recently portrayed in a movie covering the life of Larry Flynt.

Larry Flynt and Brother Above are now believed to have been conceived during a peanut orgy. Their mother was allergic to peanuts and may have been a high priestess in the same cult that Flynt later joined at the bequest of June Carter.

The congregation would then flail nuts at the high priestess by spitting them through hollow crucifixes. If the priestess did not wake from her reverent trance then it was thought that the spirit of Christ had confirmed the savior of the participants.

The news show 60 Minutes however unveiled that the high priestess was usually drafted from a select pool of young women that were allergic to nuts. The trance was actually a coma and many young women did not survive the coma. The episode was never aired, but recently leaked onto YouTube where it has subsequently removed and added again over and over again.