PGA Officials Apologize to Tiger Woods for Thwarting His Sex Addiction

PGA Officials Apologize to Tiger Woods for Thwarting His Sex Addiction – Please Come Back!

February 19th, 2010 | Author: brettbum

PONTE VEDRA BEACH, Fla.—Officials for the PGA publicly apologized to Tiger Woods today for thwarting sex addiction Friday, but the star golfer left unclear when or if he would return to the sport.

In his first public appearance since the November car accident that touched off the scandal, Mr. Woods defiantly denied rumors that his wife might have hit him out of anger or during their own private role playing fantasies. He implored the media to leave his family alone.

Meanwhile, PGA officials acknowledged that they have been receiving in-patient therapy for their issues and talking with Greek Finance minister hoping to seek financial counseling advice to help them recover from the tsunami of losses racking up now that they have pushed out their primary source of income, Tiger Woods.

“We have a lot to atone for,” stated PGA Tour Commissioner Tim Finchen.

“If there is anything we can do to bring Tiger back to the sport of golf faster, we will. Need stripper caddies, no problem. Lap dances in golf carts, no problem. Ménage à trois brunch events, we’re all over that. The PGA is going to sex up our act to foster a more Tiger conducive environment where not only Tiger but any sexual deviant, pervert, whack job, flasher etc that can bring in advertisers and money like Tiger can is free to express themselves and rub one out with or without help as they like.”

Wearing a black sport coat and open collar—and often staring straight into the camera—Mr. Woods expressed his appreciation for the sentiments of the commissioner and other PGA Tour officials as they stood behind a podium at the TPC Sawgrass golf course where the PGA Tour is headquartered speaking in front of a group of some 40 people, including friends, associates his mother and a bevy of professional women that flew in from Las Vegas just for the public apology event.

“I do plan to return to golf one day,” Mr. Woods said. “I just don’t know when that day will be. I don’t rule out that it will be this year. When I return, I need to make clear that my behavior and actions performed in private will be my business and my business alone, but if I text you for help while I’m lying in a ditch after my wife has beat me over the head with a golf club while running me down in the family car, call an ambulance, please.”

Mr. Finchen concluded the tightly scripted event by saying, “Tiger, I ask you to find room in your heart to one day believe in us again.” He then hugged Tiger while giving him a hand job in front of the national press.