For decades now, Baptist Preachers have been hiding their repressed homosexuality, hiding behind homophobia, hiding behind their congregation, and hiding tightly behind their church Deacons, but Baptist Preachers have a new hidden secret.  Baptist preachers are no longer divorcing their wives solely due to their latent homosexual feelings that they have hidden from themselves and sometimes the world.

Today almost as many Baptist Preachers are divorcing their wives, not because they are gay, not because they covet children or animals, not just because they like to smoke crack and whoremonger, Baptist Preachers are increasingly divorcing their wives because they have a lot of money in the bank.

For many years, researchers thought they were seeing a correlation between rich televangelist homosexual explosions and the size of their bank account.  Many people cynically judged Baptist Preachers thinking that these preachers must have always been gay, born gay, and just lied to everyone else so that they could accept donations for the weak, poor, destitude, sick and elderly to amass fortunes of wealth that would entice King Solomon to offer a blow job for a crumpled twenty dollar bill.

Ditch Her When the Well Runneth Over

Many successful and rich evangelicals are ditching their wives now when the bank account runneth over.  They have watched the Davinci code too and they now know what Jesus would do.

Jesus would ditch the bitch!

Jesus to Mary Magadaelen, “Mary we need to talk, I have something I need to tell you.”

Mary, “You son of a bitch, don’t you fucking tell me that you are gay.  Paul told his wife he was gay last week so that he could go gambling in Rome one last time.  Don’t even try that shit on me.”

Jesus looking pious, “Sorry its not like that. Mary, you may have the same name as my mother, you may have even been the mother of my children, but I have a real following now.  The church is taking off, and my disciples . . .”

Mary looking and sounding pissed, “You mean your drinking buddies, you horses ass, show some balls and just tell me your gay.  I new there was something fishy, when you said you wanted to go fishing for men and then had your buddies write something different.”

Jesus getting pissed too, “No God damn it!  Ah fuck, I promised dad, I wouldn’t curse at him when I was mad at you, now see what you made me do?”

Mary, “Oh just stuff it you big pansy.”

Jesus, “Fine, I’m leaving.  I’m going to spend some time in the desert.  I’m taking all my money out of the bank, I never did trust those money lending relatives of yours.  You can go be a prostitute for all I care, but I’m taking all the money and there’s nothing you can do about it.”

Mary, “I’d rather be a prostitute than put up with your sorry ass for another day.  Just who do you think you are?  The fucking savior or something?”

Digression Ends Here

So anyway, evangelicals after studying the dead sea scrolls, a historical accounting of police records from the days of Jesus where disturbing the peace reports recorded the exchange above, shortly before Jesus was hauled off to jail on a domestic battery charge, evangelicals are leaving their wives of many years left and right.  They are hitting the bricks, high tailing it out of town, sneaking out before the rail rides them out and looking for the ‘cheapest peace of tail’ (their Baptists and have their own lexicon of slang) that they can find.  They are heading to the desert just like Jesus and finding their dreams and fulfilling their desires in Nevada. 

They are giving the working girls of Nevada new tails to tell themselves and making a down right nuisance of themselves, but at least they are stealing money from the poor, the elderly, the sick, the desperate or even from starving little children.