Timmy the Squirrel, the notorious squirrel assassin of Central Park, has accepted an unusual commission.  Timmy has accepted the commission to cut off Michael Vick’s Nuts. 

The commission is unusual in that Timmy is such a successful and notorious assassin, often attributed with the murder of JFK and Abraham Lincoln. 

Timmy comes from an unusual breed of long lived squirrels that have been involved in religion and political wars for thousands of years.  Timmy’s grandfather was a half cousin of Brutus, the killer of Ceasar.  Ceasar’s ‘et tu’ reference actually referred to, Timmy’s grandfather’s killing of Ceasar’s favorite squirrel prostitute.

Ceasar was well known to practice beastiality with small rodents, and Timmy’s grandfather was avenging his sister, the squirrel prostitute in question that was enslaved and sent to a Roman bath house at the tender young squirrel age of 78.

The amazing thing about this story is that the commission for the assassination of Michael Vick’s nuts was paid for by a dog.  One of Michael Vick‘s former pitt bulls, Sneaky.

Sneaky the Pitt bull apparently met Timmy online when she was looking to get some clothing that Vick had purchased for her exchanged for a larger size.

Sneaky started chatting with the customer service representative, who happened to be Timmy.  Timmy owns his own custom animal armor business that has been making and selling quality animal armor for 350 years.  Timmy’s company even provided the armor for many of the animals in the movies Narnia and The Lord of the Rings.  Timmy also sits on the board of Samsonite luggage.

Inspiration:  Dodgeblogium » Blog Archive » For dogs in tough neighbourhoods…

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