State Department Outsourcing Terrorist Insurgents in Iraq
Following on the unprecedented success of outsourcing mercenary contractors in Iraq via Blackwater, the US State Department has decided to expand their outsourcing efforts. Starting on October 1st, the US State Department decided not to rely on actual terrorists to rain chaos, disorder and death on Iraq.
Secretary of State, Condoleeza Rice stated, “We just can’t rely on Al Qaeda to do the entire job and we all know just how unreliable home grown insurgents can be. Working with these people is almost a quagmire.”
That was her pronouncement, right before Secretary Rice unveiled the new plan to outsource terrorism to 2 American corporations. The lucky contract winners are Mattel, the makers of GI Goe and Hershey’s, who is rumored to have bought the patent on Jarts out of bankruptcy following a consumer products ban in 1988.
The Mattel contract is rumored to be roughly $8.2 billion and the Hershey’s contract is half that at $4.04 billion. Mattel will provide contract terrorists that will be shipped in from plants in China. These contract terrorists are the same workers that would have been fired for painting barbie dolls with lead paint.
Flying Improvised Explosive Devices
Hershey’s on the other hand is going to be working on an unprecedented project to revamp the production of GPS enabled jarts. These jarts will be armed with grenades, helium balloons and GPS devices. They have already been dubbed as Flying Improvised Explosive Devices. The terrorists from China will then air up the balloons with helium, launch them with jarts and grenades attached, and release the jarts from the balloons when the jarts fly over targets of opportunity that the State Department will identify. The GPS devices will help the mostly uneducated Chinese Terrorist Transplants in Iraq (CTTII’s) identify where the grenade enabled jarts are and hit the button when necessary to drop some fire in the hole.
The State Department wants to end the chaos of unplanned terrorists attacks. They are hoping that by telling the terrorists where to attack, they will then be able to respond with US counter terrorism force much more effectively in order to “make a good show for the cameras.”
Presidential Candidate John McCain declared on CNN this evening that this concept seems just ludicrous enough to work. When asked to elaborate, he stated, “President Bush has done many things based on principal. Everything that he has done on principal has gone horribly wrong. Not so much because his principals were wrong, but instead because he is an ineffective twit.(Pause for gulp of Hennessy) That twit could kill his mother trying to tie his own shoes. No, I think this plan just might work, because if President Bush tries to make it work, it is very likely to back fire and I suspect that this will then bring down North Korea, Sudan and bring about the release of the captured Israeli soldiers.”
Other’s were not quite as positive (nor as drunk). Barack Obama, who was only half as drunk (and a little high- have you ever noticed that everything is goofy smile he has?) stated, “I do not think this is the best plan I have ever heard of, but there have been many plans that were worse. As I see it, it does work to eliminate Al Qaeda by Outsourcing them to the Chinese and that can’t be a bad thing.”
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2 Responses to “State Department Outsourcing Terrorist Insurgents in Iraq”
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Yes, and soon there will be a ban on paper; we can’t have sheets of paper being folded into little airplanes!
You are definitely a very wise reader with an incisive mind capable of cutting through the garbage on the internet and getting to the real problem.
I would normally agree with your assessment, but its my way to be a devil’s advocate. In that regard, I would point out to you that most paper is not produced in the US any longer, especially that paper used by the US.
As such, the US is completely incapable of halting the flow of paper as the global economy runs on paper, especially the counterfeit greenback industry.
Besides, you miss the opportunity in these potential weapons of confetti destruction. If the terrorists fight us with paper airplanes we will obviously need to fight back, fighting paper with paper, airplane against airplane, spitball against spitball.
That will enable our beloved and ever practical and capable US Congress to enact legislation that will provide vast amounts of government spending to the paper lobbies to produce more paper (from the Amazon rain forest preferably as those bastards obviously have too many useless trees and far to few Wal-mart parking lots). That paper can then be used to create a paper airplane defense System capable of shooting paper airplanes out of the air from space with a gigantic magnifying glass that will harness the power of the sun burning planes just above the ground and possibly cooking off some of that useless ozone that hovers around on the outer edge of our atmosphere.